A Hole in the Heart
by Caskett1960
Summary: Sequel to 'A Bright, Shining Hope.' Kate and Castle receive troubling news regarding the newest member of their family, while facing a possibly more sinister threat. Rated T, but that rating will probably change. Completely AU.
1. A Joyous Arrival

**DISCLAIMERS: 'Castle' is the property of Andrew W. Marlowe and ABC Studios Productions. No copyright infringement is intended. The story is the property of the author and may not be archived without her permission.**

 **SUMMARY: Sequel to 'A Bright, Shining Hope.' Kate and Castle receive troubling news regarding the newest member of their family, while facing a possibly more sinister threat. Rated T, but that rating will probably change.**

 **A/N #1: I want to thank everybody who has waited so long for me to write the next chapter in my Castle family universe. I hope this will be worth the wait.**

 **A/N #2: To understand the events that are going to take place in this story, it will be necessary to read 'Mind Games' and 'Freefalling into an Abyss.'**

 **A/N #3: This story will take up immediately following Baby Hope's birth.**

 **A HOLE IN THE HEART**

 **CHAPTER 1: A JOYOUS ARRIVAL**

Kate was lying on the hard hospital bed in the emergency room, exhaustion taking over from the adrenaline rush of just a couple of hours earlier. She was still waiting for Castle to get there from home. He'd promised to be right behind her as soon as he threw on some clean clothes.

She never in a million years would've imagined that her husband would also have to act as her midwife, being there to catch their daughter when she decided that she wasn't waiting for paramedics to get there. At first she'd read the terror in his eyes, but the moment that she told him that she needed him, he'd immediately snapped into action, safely delivering Hope shortly before the paramedics arrived on the scene.

Kate sleepily opened her eyes when she heard footsteps at her bedside. She smiled at the sight of her doctor, who was slowly shaking her head. "You never do anything by convention, do you, Kate?"

"I guess not. How long do I have to stay here?"

"A few hours. We want to give your new daughter a head to toe checkup and make sure that you're not running a fever. Then we'll send the both of you home."

"That sounds great," her smile widened when Castle walked into the room. "There you are," she held her hand out to him.

"Sorry I took so long. I wanted to clean up our bathroom since it resembled a crime scene," he made a face before leaning down and kissing her before turning to face the doctor. "How is she?"

"She's doing great. How are you? I heard that you had quite the exciting morning," the doctor teased.

"Hey! I'm the one who gave birth!" Kate protested.

"But I was the one who had to catch the kid. I wish somebody had told me that they're like holding onto a fish."

"Castle, that's our daughter you're referring to," Kate managed to look suitably hurt as Castle bent down and kissed her again.

"Speaking of which, I'm going to go and check on her. I'll have someone get you moved to a room."

"You have to stay?" Castle was disappointed.

"Just for a few hours. They want to make sure Hope is healthy and they want to make sure I don't start running a fever. We should be released later this morning. I'm glad that you were there, Castle," she clutched his hand. "I couldn't have done it without you."

"Well, you could have, but it wouldn't have been as easy. Kate, I can't even explain what being there like I was tonight means to me. There aren't words," he blinked back tears, smiling when she pulled him forward and kissed him.

They broke apart when they heard someone clearing their throat. "I'm here to move you to a room on the maternity floor," the orderly said, pushing a wheelchair in front of him.

"As soon as you're settled, I'll call our families," Castle said, following the orderly and Kate to the elevator.

Once she was settled in her room, Kate patted the spot on the bed beside her, smiling when Castle climbed up on the bed and pulled her against him. Within moments, she was sound asleep, her head sagging heavily against his shoulder. With her asleep, Castle checked his watch before taking out his phone. Since it was still so early, he made the decision to text everybody as opposed to calling to wake them up. Since Hope had already arrived, there was no sense in the family coming to the hospital, especially since Kate and Hope would be going home later that day.

After texting the family, Castle settled himself more comfortably and closed his eyes. He awoke with a jerk a couple of hours later to find Kate beside him, almost frantic with her need for her baby. "Why is it taking them so long to bring her to us, Castle? I'm sure that she needs to nurse! Ari nursed almost immediately. Even after having a c-section, I still got to nurse Jack the next day! Go find Hope, Castle!" She shoved at him. "Go bring her to me!"

"Okay," Castle did his best to placate her fears. "Okay, sweetie. I'll go and see what's going on with her."

Castle slipped into his shoes before leaving the room and walking in the direction of the nursery. He expected to see Hope in one of the rows of layettes in the newborn nursery, but when he looked in the huge glass window, she was nowhere to be found. One of the nurses saw him and motioned for him to wait. Moments later, she came out of the door leading to the nursery. "May I help you, sir?"

"My wife gave birth to our daughter at home earlier this morning, and they promised to bring her to us. That was a few hours ago and my wife is getting very upset."

"What is the last name of the baby?"

"Castle."

"Castle, Hope," the nurse consulted her clipboard. "Right now, she is still with the pediatrician."

"Why is she still with the pediatrician? She was brought in hours ago. Is something wrong?"

"Mr. Castle, in cases of emergency home births, the doctor tends to be more thorough in their examination since your daughter was born in a less than sterile environment. I assure you that there is nothing to worry about. I'm sure that you and your wife will be reunited with Hope very soon."

"You're sure?"

"I'm positive. I've seen it before."

"Thank you."

Kate looked up and wiped her eyes with the sheet when Castle walked back into the room. "I thought that you went to find Hope! Castle, where is our baby?"

"Shh, she's fine," he walked over and once again sat on the bed beside her. "I spoke to one of the nurses in the nursery. Hope is still with the pediatrician. Apparently, they're more thorough with babies who are born in unexpected locations like home or the backseat of a Buick. She said they should be bringing her to us at any time now."

"But she said that Hope was all right?"

"She said that she's fine. It's just that being born on the bathroom floor isn't the cleanest of places to be born as opposed to a super sterile hospital."

"I just want to hold her, Castle. I want to hold her and breathe her in."

"I know and we will very soon."

"Tell me a story, Castle," she settled her head against his shoulder once again, her worries lessened somewhat for the time being.

"Once upon a time there was this kick-ass detective named Kate, who was married to a ruggedly handsome writer named Rick. They were the parents of two beautiful kids and were getting ready for baby number three. Kate woke Rick up in the wee hours of the morning to tell him that baby number three was making her debut now. As in this minute. Now Rick didn't know what to think. While he had written a number of best-selling novels, he didn't know the first thing about birthin' no babies," he said, causing Kate to smile.

"Keep going with the story, Prissy," she urged him.

"Well, it turns out that when a baby is on the way, thought goes right out of the window—" he stopped talking when the door opened.

Kate looked at the doorway and smiled when she saw a nurse walking into the room pushing an isolette in front of her. At the sound of her newborn daughter's squalls, Kate's breasts immediately began to ache. "What took so long?" Kate sat up as the nurse reached in and removed Hope, handing her over to her mother. "I was starting to worry."

"She's fine, Mrs. Castle. When a baby is born in an unsterile environment, the doctors like to take every precaution to make sure that they're healthy. Dr. Jimenez will be in shortly to release her to go home."

"Thank you," Kate loosened her gown and let Hope root around before she finally latched on. "Ooh, it's been a long time since I've felt that," she let out a hiss before glancing at Castle, who was giving her a peculiar look. "From a newborn, Castle. Why do you have to make everything about sex?"

"Because everything is about sex. After all, sex is why Hope is here."

"You know, it's hard to argue with that logic," she looked down at their new daughter. "She's perfect, Castle."

"Yes, she is. But, I told you," he kissed the top of her head, "we only make perfect babies. But why do they make it sound like our house is a pig sty? I can guarantee you that there are probably less germs on our bathroom floor than in this entire hospital."

"I'm sorry if I sounded like a hysterical mom. I was just worried about her. When I had Ari, she was handed right to me and almost never left my sight. I thought they'd bring me up here and bring Hope right to me."

"You have every right to act like a hysterical mom." He noticed that Kate was frowning while she watched their daughter nurse. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing," she was quick to give him a reassuring smile. "I think I'm just tired." She unlatched the baby and handed her over to Rick. "It's your turn, daddy. I'm going to get a little more sleep before the doctor comes in."

"Are you sure you're okay?"

"I'm fine. _We're_ fine."

Rick threw a towel over his shoulder before lifting the slight weight of Hope up, rubbing her bony back as he talked to her. "Hope, welcome to the world. I'm your daddy. I was so glad to be the first person who got to see you when you made your debut."

Kate listened to Rick talking nonsense to Hope while her eyes got heavier and heavier. But as she fell asleep, she couldn't erase the nagging thought in the back of her mind that there was something wrong with their daughter. She felt like there was something that the doctors weren't telling her.

 **A/N #4: First off, Hope isn't going to die. In fact, her condition is going to be the secondary story because I have something planned that is much bigger as my primary story.**

 **A/N #5: Originally, this was going to be a Winter Ficathon entry, but since I inadvertently, unknowingly violated a couple of rules, I have decided it'll just be a regular, old fan fiction story.**

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 **Twitter: at Caskett1960**

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	2. Adjustments

**DISCLAIMERS: No, I don't own 'Castle.'**

 **SUMMARY: Kate receives news regarding Hope, which sends her into a tailspin. Meanwhile, Ariel and Jack try to adjust to their baby sister, with somewhat differing results.**

 **A/N #1: I promise that I will include more of Jack in this story, but please keep in mind that Hope's story will soon be the secondary story. The primary story will probably start beginning at the end of this chapter. In the meantime, please don't send me reviews telling me how to write my characters. I've been doing this for a long time and I know by now what I'm doing.**

 **A HOLE IN THE HEART**

 **CHAPTER 2: ADJUSTMENTS**

 _Three days after Hope's birth_

Kate was sitting in the master bedroom, rocking and humming to Hope, who had once again fallen asleep at her breast. "Come on, Hope," Kate flicked the bottom of the baby's feet, waking her once again. "You need to stay awake long enough to eat."

She remembered that Jack had also been bad about falling asleep at her breast, but he'd stopped after a few weeks at home. But there were other things that nagged at her about her new daughter. Things that she couldn't quite put her finger on. She had a well baby checkup with the kids' regular pediatrician at the end of the week. She hoped that Dr. Kiley would put her mind at rest.

Her thoughts were interrupted by a small body in the doorway. "Hi, little man," Kate motioned her son to come forward. Now almost four years old, he looked more like Castle with every passing day. "Did daddy make you and Sissy breakfast?"

"I like it when you make breakfast. Will you make breakfast tomorrow?"

"I'll try, but if Hope wakes up, I have to feed her. Do you want to hold her before I change her and put her back to bed?"

"She's too little."

"Jack, you don't have to be afraid to hold her. You're not going to hurt her."

"No," he stubbornly shook his head. "She's too little."

"Jack, there you are," Castle came in behind his son. "You need to get your backpack so that you can get ready for school."

"I want to stay home and help mommy," he turned his small face up to his father.

"Do you know how you can help mommy right now?" Castle knelt down, wincing when his knees audibly popped. "You can help mommy by going to school and learning as much as you can."

"Your friends at school will miss you," Kate added. "Daddy will pick you up later and then you can have lunch with us. Okay?"

"Okay," Jack kicked at the ground. "Bye mommy," he ran over and kissed her on the cheek before turning his attention to Hope. "Can I kiss Hope bye?"

"Very gently on her forehead," Kate pointed to a spot on the baby's head.

"Bye, Baby Hope," he placed a smacking kiss to the baby's forehead as Kate looked at Castle and shared a smile with him.

"Come on, buddy!"

"Where's your sister?"

"She's . . . uh, she's already outside."

Kate sighed as she went back to attending to Hope. She had thought that she'd have an issue with Jack being jealous. But except for his fear of holding her, Jack seemed to adore his sister. Ari, on the other hand, was extremely jealous. This was despite the fact that Kate tried to spend time with both of the older children. As excited as Ari had been during the pregnancy; that excitement had vanished the second Hope was born.

"I'm going to take Ariel and Jack to school. I'll be back in half an hour or so," Castle gave her a gentle kiss before bestowing an equally gentle kiss to his daughter.

"Okay. Be careful." After hearing the front door close, she removed Hope from her breast and held her up, smiling when still unfocused blue eyes opened sleepily to look at her. "Baby girl, you seriously need to stop napping on my boobs. I know that if I put you down, you're going to be awake and screaming in an hour because you're hungry."

Hope yawned widely before closing her eyes once again. Kate rearranged her gown with one hand while putting Hope to her shoulder. She then rubbed her bony back, smiling at the feel of Hope's warm breath on her neck. It still amazed her how much love she could feel for one tiny human being, who at this moment, did nothing more than eat, sleep, poop, and scream every hour to be fed.

Once Hope was asleep, Kate took her over to the changing table in the corner of hers' and Castle's bedroom and quickly changed her before placing her in her bassinet, covering her with a blanket. She then took the quiet time to take a quick shower and put on some clean clothes, feeling human for the first time in what felt like days.

She was making her something to eat when the front door opened and Castle walked back in. "Did you get her to eat any more?"

"Not any more than she has since we brought her home. She falls asleep and it's impossible to keep her awake," Kate sighed as she took a drink of her apple juice.

"What about the heel flicking thing that you used to do to Jack when he was a baby?"

"It doesn't work. Hope wakes up for a second and then goes right back to sleep. Castle, we can't keep going like this. Neither of us is getting any sleep."

"Kate, every baby is different."

"And I'm telling you with a mother's intuition that there is something wrong with Hope!"

"Hey," he walked over and pulled Kate into his arms, feeling her hands clutch at his shirt. "It's okay. You're going to see the doctor on Friday."

"But you're not going to be there," she mumbled, knowing that Castle had meetings at Black Pawn. "I can't face it if I get bad news and you're not there with me, Castle."

"Kate, you have to go in there with the belief that everything is going to be fine. And if you need me to be there with you, then I'll be there. Paula and Gina know that you guys always come first."

"I want you to be there, but I understand that you can't be," she moved away so that she could touch his face. "I'll call and see if Martha or Alexis can go with me." Just then, they both heard a sharp cry over the baby monitor. "Right on time," Kate sighed.

Castle rubbed his face wearily before following Kate to their bedroom, watching as she lifted a loudly screaming Hope from her bassinet. He felt like they were both running on fumes. He knew that Kate had to be about to drop because she was the one who was having to nurse Hope every hour and a half to two hours. "Kate, maybe you should think about switching to a bottle."

"Castle, switching to bottle feeding isn't going to change the fact that Hope goes to sleep while she's eating. We'll figure it out," she quickly swaddled the baby before going out to the living room.

"I'm just saying that if you were to put her on a bottle, I could take over some of the feedings. You need to sleep, Kate."

"I'll be okay," she settled into a recliner and slowly rocked the baby.

***CCC***

Castle left Kate and Hope sleeping while he took Jack with him when he picked Ariel up at school later that afternoon. "Where's mommy?" Ariel asked when they walked back into the house.

"She's taking a nap with the baby. When she wakes up, I'll make dinner. Come on, let's go and do your homework."

"She's always asleep or taking care of the baby," Ariel sulked.

"I know that it seems that way right now, but it won't always be like that. You know, Ariel, I bet that mommy would really appreciate it if you could help her out."

"How?"

"Well, you could make sure that Salt, Pepper, and Royal all have fresh water. You can help Jack when he feeds Royal or you could help him with his letters and numbers."

"Why do I have to do everything? Why doesn't Jack have to do anything?"

"Ariel, Jack will have things to do, also. But you're the oldest. You're able to do more than your brother can right now."

"Daddy, can I tell you something? Will you promise not to be mad?"

"Sweetie, you can tell me anything. What's on your mind?"

"I liked having Hope, at first. But I didn't know she was going to take over everything," Ariel got up from the table. "I'm going upstairs to do my homework."

"Don't you want my help?"

"No!"

In the bedroom, Kate opened her eyes and looked across the room. She'd been asleep for the past two and a half hours, the most consecutive sleep she'd got since coming home. She sat up and looked over at the bassinet. "Jack, what're you doing?"

"She likes me," Jack had pulled a chair over and was now kneeling on it, softly patting Hope on her chest.

"Of course she likes you. You're a terrific big brother. Did you wake her up?"

"No, her was already awake."

"She," Kate corrected him. "Where's Sissy?"

"Doing her homework."

"Jack, can you ask daddy to bring me a big glass of iced water?"

"Yes, I can do that!" He jumped off of the chair and raced from the room.

Kate got out of bed after Jack left the room and made her way over to the bassinet, just as Hope started to fuss. "Hey, baby girl," Kate scooped her up and carried her over to the changing table. "You had a good nap. Do you think that you can stay awake long enough to eat?"

"Mommy?" Kate turned and smiled at Ari, who came toward her holding a large bottle of cold water. "Daddy asked me to bring you this. He's getting stuff ready for dinner."

"Thank you," Kate leaned down and kissed the top of her daughter's head. "How was school?"

"Fine."

"Why don't you tell me all about school while I feed Hope?" Kate wrapped Hope in a blanket and walked over to her rocking chair.

"Why doesn't Hope sleep in her room?"

"Because right now I'm still too sore to climb up and down the stairs with her. She'll be sleeping in her room before you know it," Kate lowered the sleeve of her gown far enough to expose her breast to Hope, who was rooting for what she was looking for. "Ari, is there something else on your mind?"

"Why does she do that?"

"Because that's how she eats."

"I _know_ that," Ari rolled her eyes, which made Kate chuckle. "Why does she move around like that? She knows where everything is."

"It's called rooting. You did it, too. So did Jack. When you're a mom with your babies, they'll also do it."

"I wish you had waited to have her so that I could have been here."

"Ari, believe me, it wasn't my plan to have your sister in the bathroom. I would've much rather have had her in the hospital. Is that why you're so upset?"

"I could've helped daddy. I knew what to do. You showed me the videos, remember? I could've talked to 9-1-1 while daddy helped you."

"Ari, you may have thought you would know what to do, but sweetie, you're seven years old. But that doesn't mean you can't help me with Hope in other ways," Kate glanced down, sighing at the sight of Hope asleep at her breast. She unwrapped her feet and flicked her, earning a sharp cry of protest and a grunt from Hope, but at least she once again began suckling.

"Why are you hurting her?" Ari asked in protest. "Why are you being so mean to her?"

"What's going on?" Castle rushed into the room.

"Why is mommy child abusing my sister?" Ari turned and ran crying from the room.

"Let me guess," Castle knelt down by the rocker, "she fell asleep again." He was shocked when Kate also burst into tears. "Kate, it's okay. Please don't cry. Come on, you're going to upset Hope and then she won't nurse. Take some breaths. Finish feeding Hope. I will go upstairs and talk to Ariel. I will explain to her that you weren't 'child abusing' her sister."

Castle walked out of the room and almost ran over Jack. "Why is my sister outside crying? She's hugging Royal and crying. Why, daddy?"

"Buddy, everything's okay," Castle knelt down in front of Jack. "I'm going to go talk to her and then we'll fix dinner. Okay?"

"Can I help?"

"Yes, you can."

Castle walked through the house and out the back door, walking over to Ariel, who was huddled on the patio with her arms around the neck of Royal, the Golden Retriever puppy Castle had got the kids the previous summer. The dog looked up and gave Castle a look that said 'I've got this.' Castle sat down on one of the patio chairs and waited her out. Finally, Ariel pulled back and looked up at her dad. "Why was mommy being mean to Hope?"

"Ariel, I know that you thought mommy was being mean. I used to think the same thing when Jack was a baby. She does that when Hope falls asleep when she's supposed to be eating. If she doesn't wake her up, then Hope won't eat and she'll wake up hungry in just a little while."

"Did she do that to me and Jack?" 

"She didn't have to do it to you, but she used to have to do it to Jack sometimes. You know that mommy wouldn't hurt you guys for anything in the world. You, Jack, and Hope are so special to her."

"You are too, daddy."

"Yes, but you three are special in a different way. Now, Jack and I are going to make tacos. I could really use some help tearing up lettuce."

"Okay," Ariel smiled.

"You need to wash up first."

***CCC***

Two days later, Kate was sitting in the pediatrician's office with Martha, who was only too happy to accompany her. "Richard was telling me how worried you are. I'm sure that the doctor is going to put all of your fears to rest."

"I hope so," Kate glanced down at Hope, who was soundly sleeping in her carrier. "Last night, when I was nursing her, I swear that it felt like her heart was going to beat out of her chest."

"Katherine, look at her," Martha followed Kate's line of vision. "She is perfect."

"Hope Castle," the receptionist called out as Kate picked up and carrier by the handle and headed back to the examination room with Martha at her side. "Dr. Kiley will be with you shortly. You can go ahead and get her undressed while you're waiting."

Kate placed Hope on the table and removed her one piece pajamas, leaving her clad in only her diaper. She then wrapped her in a blanket and moved to a nearby chair to wait. Within a few moments, Dr. Steven Kiley entered the room, smiling at Kate and Martha. "Good morning, Mrs. Castle. This must be Hope." He reached for the baby as Kate reluctantly handed her over. "My goodness, you are a little bitty thing, aren't you?" He removed the blanket and Hope's diaper before placing her on the scale. "How old is Hope?"

"She's five days old today."

"Hmmm," he made a notation on her chart. "How has she been eating?"

"Honestly, not very well. She seems to tire easily while she's nursing. Should I be concerned about this?"

"Is she like that for every feeding?"

"Yes."

Hope began to scream loudly on the scale. "I know, sweetie. You're cold. I'll be as quick as I can," he placed the ends of his stethoscope in his ears, listening to Hope's heart. After several minutes, he removed the stethoscope from his ears before lifting Hope from the scale and handing her back to Kate. "You can go ahead and get her dressed. I'll be back in a few minutes."

"Why am I suddenly scared to death?" Kate looked at Martha.

"Katherine, your daughter is cold. Get her dressed. I'm sure everything is all right."

"Martha, I want to call Rick. I want him up here now."

"You get Hope dressed and I'll call Richard. Everything is going to be okay," she squeezed Kate's shoulder before leaving the room to call her son.

Kate barely remembered redressing Hope while she tried to absorb what the doctor hadn't said. As a detective, Kate was well rehearsed in reading between the lines. Obviously, Hope's falling asleep during feedings wasn't good. She jumped when someone knocked on the door. "Where is your mother-in-law?"

"She went to call my husband. He should be here, shouldn't he?"

"Let's go and talk in my office. I'll have Terri bring your mother-in-law back." He opened the door and motioned for Kate to follow him. He opened his office door and led Kate inside. "Please, have a seat. Were all of your ultrasounds normal?"

"Yes. Why? Did my obstetrician miss something?"

"It's entirely possible that nothing showed up on the ultrasound. Sometimes things don't show up until a few days after birth."

"What's wrong with Hope?"

"When I listened to her heart a little while ago, I heard a murmur. First, let me tell you that a murmur doesn't necessarily mean anything. However, I do think that you should leave here and take Hope to New York Presbyterian for an echocardiogram. This is non-invasive—"

"I know. I've had them. What if it's something awful?"

"Mrs. Castle, I'm not going to sit here and discuss worst case scenarios with you. My colleague, Dr. Sayid, will be expecting you and Hope."

"How do we fix this?"

"Again, Dr. Sayid will explain everything to you once he's done examining Hope."

"Okay," Kate nodded.

Kate walked out into the waiting room where Martha was on the phone with Rick. "Katherine, what's going on?"

"Is Rick still on the line?" She asked as Martha nodded and handed her phone over. "Rick, I need for you to meet us at New York Pres. Call me when you get there and I'll tell you where we are."

"Okay, I'm on my way."

"I'll see if Alexis can pick up the children," Martha offered.

"Come on, we need to go," the possibility of an answer had strengthened Kate's resolve. Whatever was wrong with her tiny daughter, she was determined that somebody was going to fix it.

***CCC***

Castle ran into Gina's office and grabbed his jacket. "Rick, where are you going? We're in the middle of a meeting," Gina reminded him.

"I'll need to reschedule. Kate is taking the baby to the hospital."

"Oh my god, Rick," Gina was visibly shaken. "Is she okay?"

"I don't know. I'll call you later."

When Castle got to the hospital, he called Kate, who answered on the first ring. "We're on the 17th floor, waiting to see this doctor. Castle, please hurry."

"I'm on my way," he ran inside and punched the elevator button. "Is mother still with you?"

"No. I told her to go home to be with the kids. They're not as likely to be alarmed if she's with them. If Alexis picks them up, they're going to know something is wrong."

"I'm on the elevator now. I should be with you and Hope in one minute."

The second the elevator doors opened, Castle ran out like a shot and spotted Kate instantly. He ran over and wrapped his arms around her and the baby. "Thank you, Castle," she whispered against his chest. "Thank you for being here."

"Always. What did Dr. Kiley say?" He asked as they moved over to the waiting area.

"He heard a murmur. He said that it might not mean anything, but he seemed concerned about her tiring during feedings."

"She's going to be okay," Castle once again pulled her close.

"I'm looking for the Castle baby," they turned to find a doctor standing in the doorway of the waiting area.

"I'm Kate Castle and this is my husband, Richard. Dr. Kiley told me to bring our daughter here."

"I have spoken to Dr. Kiley. Please follow me," he left the room as Kate and Castle quickly followed behind him. "I'm Dr. Rasheed Sayid. I'm a pediatric cardiologist. I will be performing an echocardiogram on your baby," he continued to speak while walking down the hallway.

"Can we go with her?"

"Of course," he finally stopped and turned to face them. "I understand that you are frightened right now. I promise that I will answer all of your questions in due time."

He opened a door and led them into an examination room, motioning for them to take seats. "How old is your daughter?"

"She's five days old. She was born early Sunday morning."

"How many ultrasounds were performed during your pregnancy?"

"Five altogether."

"Dr. Kiley said that you mentioned your daughter—"

"Hope," Kate interrupted him. "Please refer to her by her name."

"Forgive me. Dr. Kiley mentioned that Hope doesn't feed well. Can you describe what happens during feedings?"

"She latches onto my breast and she seems to be eating fine for a minute or two, but then she goes to sleep. I flick the bottom of her feet to awaken her, but then she seems so lethargic afterwards."

"Have you noticed any changes in Hope when she cries?"

"No," Kate looked at Castle, who also shook his head.

"Can you please undress her down to her diaper? This procedure won't hurt her. However, she will probably make a fuss because the gel is quite cold."

Kate once again undressed Hope with shaking hands. "Do I hold her while you do this?"

"You can do that if it would help to ease your fears a bit," Dr. Sayid smiled before he placed a small dab of transducer gel onto Hope's chest. The baby jolted slightly, but a soothing word and touch from her mother calmed her down. The doctor then turned on the ultrasound machine and moved the transducer over the baby's chest.

Castle and Kate watched as an image of Hope's heart appeared on the screen. Having seen so many images of her own heart after her shooting, Kate immediately knew that something wasn't right. "There's a problem, isn't there?" She asked.

"Right here," he pointed to the upper part of the image, "there is a hole. There are many reasons why this didn't show up on your ultrasounds, but we have found it now. The good news is there don't seem to be any other defects," he turned off the ultrasound and wiped the gel from Hope's chest. "Go ahead and dress Hope. I will then talk to you about what is going on. I will be back in a few minutes."

Castle noticed Kate taking several deep breaths, trying not to fall apart. He was feeling overwhelmed also as well as incredibly guilty. Why hadn't he listened to her fears? He gently took Hope from her, securing her in one arm while he embraced his wife with the other. "She's going to be okay, love. Whatever is going on, we'll fix it."

"I know," Kate held onto him tightly. "It's just that Hope's so little, Castle. How do you fix a heart in such a tiny baby?"

"They'll fix her. Go ahead and dress her."

Kate had Hope dressed and was nursing her when the doctor re-entered the room. "I would suggest coming to my office, but since I see that Miss Hope is having lunch, we can talk here. Hope has an Atrial Septal Defect. This means that there is a hole between the two upper chambers of her heart. The good news is this is not a huge hole, so with luck, it will close on its own."

"What happens if it doesn't?" Castle asked just as Kate flicked a finger to the bottom of Hope's feet, earning a grunt from her daughter.

"I will want to carefully monitor her for the next six months. If it doesn't show signs of closing by then, I will then want to go in and do a surgical repair. In the meantime, I would like to start her on beta blockers to strengthen her heartbeat. This should help with her tiring during feedings."

"Is there . . . is there anything that we should or shouldn't be doing?" Kate was still trying to absorb everything.

"Mrs. Castle, Hope's heart defect should not take over either her life or that of your family. I will tell you right now that this condition isn't life threatening. You shouldn't treat her any differently than you would your other children. Now, I am going to get your prescription for the beta blocker and you can take her home."

"Castle?" Kate had removed Hope from her breast and was holding her out toward her husband to be burped. "Rick?" He finally turned to look at her.

"Hey, Baby Girl," Castle took the sleepy baby from Kate's arms and transferred her to his shoulder, rubbing her back softly. "You've had a long day, huh?"

The doctor returned to the room just as Castle was securing Hope into her carrier and covering her with a blanket. "It's important that you give Hope the medication at the same times every day. It will take a couple of weeks before you see the full benefit. But she will start nursing better. Here is my card," he handed his card to Kate. "I will need for you to make an appointment when you get home. I will need to see Hope once a month for right now. If I don't see improvement, I will see her more frequently."

"When will you know if the hole is closing on its own?" Kate asked.

"It may not be for several months. Sometimes there seems to be no improvement and then suddenly the hole will begin to close. Remember that Hope is a normal child who happens to have a heart defect. Treat her as such."

Kate rode in the backseat with Hope during the long ride back to Long Island. Castle stopped at a pharmacy near the house and dropped off the prescription before they headed the rest of the way home. The second they entered the house, they were bombarded by both kids. "Daddy! Mommy!" Jack raced into his father's arms.

"Hi, buddy," Castle hoisted Jack up into his arms.

"How is everything, kiddo?" Martha asked Kate.

"I think I'm going to make the kids a snack," Castle said. "Mother, why don't you help Kate put Hope into her crib?"

"I left the mail on the counter, Richard," Martha said as she walked back to the master bedroom with Kate. "Katherine, what did the doctor say?"

"First of all, it's not life threatening."

"Oh, thank god," Martha put her hand to her chest. "Sit down, darling. You look like you're about to drop."

"It's called an Atrial Septal Defect. Dr. Sayid said that there's a hole between the upper two chambers of Hope's heart. He said that a lot of times the hole will close on its own. However, he said that if it doesn't close by the time she's six months old, he'll go in and do a surgical repair on it."

"How do you treat her in the meantime?"

"He has put her on beta blockers. He said that it will strengthen her heart and will hopefully help with her going to sleep while I'm feeding her. But, he was very imperative that we treat Hope like a normal child, because he said that's what she is."

"Well, I'm glad that it's not as awful as I feared that it would be."

"Right now, Castle and I just want time to absorb everything. Of course I want my dad and Alexis to know, but I want to wait a bit before we tell everybody else."

"Why don't you get some rest? I'll keep the kids quiet."

"No, Martha. I need to be with my other babies," Kate argued. "I need to figure out a way to explain all of this to them."

Out in the dining room, Castle was leafing through the mail while the kids ate snacks at the table. "Daddy? Is Hope all right?" Ariel asked.

"She's fine, baby. Mommy and I will explain everything to you. How was school?"

"Jason threw up after recess. It was gross."

"That's nice," Castle mumbled, picking up a letter that was addressed to Kate.

"Nice? Daddy, did you hear anything that I just said?"

"I did, Sissy," Jack told her.

"Ariel, keep an eye on your brother. I'll be right back."

Castle went into the bedroom where Kate was still chatting with Martha. "Castle, what's wrong? You look like you've seen a ghost."

"Kate, you have a letter from the New York Department of Pardons and Parole."

 **A/N #2: Enter the ingredients for the primary part of my story.**

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	3. Going into a Freefall

**DISCLAIMERS: No, nothing belongs to me.**

 **SUMMARY: Things begin to spin out of control for Beckett after she receives a letter in the mail.**

 **A/N #3: Starting with this chapter, there will be references to my previous stories 'Mind Games' and 'Freefalling into an Abyss.' If you haven't read either of these two stories, I suggest that you read them before diving into this one. Otherwise, nothing is going to make sense.**

 **A/N #2: I want to thank both Gina and Averil for the suggestions for this story. Given Beckett's history of PTSD, it all makes perfect sense.**

 **A/N #3: I am basing this story on the premise that Castle and Beckett married in May of 2014. The year I'm using in this story is not an error.**

 **A HOLE IN THE HEART**

 **CHAPTER 3: GOING INTO A FREEFALL**

It was quiet in the master bedroom; the only sounds the soft breathing coming from the bassinet in the far corner and Castle's snores. Kate was wide awake, her head resting on her husband's chest, his arm protectively draped across her back. The words from the letter she'd received that afternoon kept running through her head.

 _Dear Mrs. Castle,_

 _We are required to inform you that inmate Joshua Davidson, Prisoner Number 279486, is scheduled for parole in April of 2024. You may request to speak to the parole board regarding this matter if you wish. If we do not hear from you or any of Mr. Davidson's other victims, we will consider this matter closed and the prisoner will be eligible for parole at the end of his hearing._

 _Sincerely,_

 _Charles Wiseman_

 _New York Department of Pardons and Parole_

How could this be happening? When Josh had escaped and had gone on his reign of terror against her and her family, Kate and Castle had both been assured that his sentence would be lengthened. His original sentence had been 10 years to life. How was he possibly eligible for parole now?

Kate heard movement from the bassinet and sat up just as a tiny hand lifted into the air. She wearily ran a hand through her messy hair before climbing out of bed and making her way over to the bassinet just as Hope began to cry. "Hey, baby girl," Kate lifted the baby into her arms, snuggling her against her chest as she felt her start to root. "Hold on, let's get comfortable first. I know you're hungry."

Kate quickly changed Hope before walking over and settling down in the rocker. She pulled down one side of her gown, as she lifted Hope up to her breast. Feeling her tiny daughter immediately latch on, her tiny fists held to her chest as she nursed, Kate felt tears sting her eyes. There was just too much going on right now. Too much that she couldn't process. First the news about Hope's heart and then the letter from the parole board regarding Josh. It had taken Kate years to even think his name again, much less say it out loud.

There were still holes in her memory from those five and a half days of hell. But she now remembered that day in the woods. The day that Castle and Ryan had found her; disheveled, her hands and feet bleeding from tree branches; her eyes wide and wild from the massive doses of Ketamine Josh had given her during her imprisonment. She remembered tentatively taking Castle's hand, feeling his fingers curl around hers before she allowed herself to be pulled into his arms. _"Take me home, Castle. Please take me home,"_ she remembered begging him.

She looked across the room at Castle, who was still soundly sleeping before turning her attention to her newborn daughter, who was staring up at her with wide eyes. "Your daddy was my knight in shining armor that day, Hope," she whispered. She softly stroked the baby's satiny cheek, smiling when she instantly felt her start sucking once again.

Castle woke up when he reached for Kate and she wasn't there. "Hey, I didn't even hear her," he sat up, rubbing at his face.

"I was already awake, so I got her when she started fussing. Go back to sleep."

"And miss bonding time? Not a chance," he got out of bed and walked over to the rocker, bending down to kiss the top of Hope's head before kissing Kate. "Did you go to sleep at all?" He settled down on the floor beside the rocker.

"I'm fine," she smiled at him. "My dad and Alexis got letters, too."

"I know. I talked to Alexis after you went to bed. What're you going to do?"

"There's only one thing that I can do. I can't allow him to get out, Rick."

"I know," he placed his hand on her knee.

"I let myself stop thinking about him. When they sent him upstate to Clinton, I never gave another thought to what he did to me after we got married or what he did to Alexis and my dad when he escaped. What he could've done to me, Alexis and Ari that day when he got into the loft. I thought I'd never have to think about him again."

"I don't understand how he can be eligible for parole. I thought he got time added to his sentence after he escaped, not to mention additional charges for assaulting Alexis and your dad."

"I'll call Gates on Monday morning and see if she can make some calls. I want to invite everybody over Saturday night to let them know what's going on. I also want them to know what's going on with Hope."

"I hate that everything's piling up all at once."

"Castle, I'm fine," her voice was firm.

"I know. You always are," he leaned against the rocker, his hand idly rubbing Kate's leg.

She didn't say anything more; she simply detached Hope from one breast and put her on the other. "At least she seems to be eating better."

"Maybe you're simply more relaxed since you know what's going on with her."

"Could be," she agreed. "You do a lot of reading, Castle. Did you read about Atrial Septal Defects after I went to bed?"

"I did," he admitted. "Everything that I read was pretty much spot on to what Dr. Sayid told us. If the hole doesn't close or if it seems to be impacting her health, they'll surgically repair it."

"How often do they close on their own?"

"There wasn't a percentage, Kate. But all of the sites that I went on all said that it's not a life threatening condition. It will be treated medically until it either spontaneously closes or it's repaired surgically."

"How do we tell Ari and Jack? They know that something's wrong, Rick."

"I know and we'll figure it out together how best to tell them. Now, is Miss Hope ready to be burped or are you going to keep her to yourself?" He smiled.

"She's all yours," Kate carefully handed the baby over to Castle, who was all ready with a burp cloth on his shoulder. "I'm glad that you were there, Castle. I couldn't have done it without you."

"Kate, you're exhausted. Get in bed. I'll be there as soon as I get her settled."

Kate got into bed and pulled the comforter over her, watching Castle struggle to get up with Hope still on his shoulder. He took Kate's place in the rocker, rubbing Hope's back and finally getting two burps out of her. He then got up and placed her back in her bassinet, covering her with a blanket that had been Ariel's when she was a baby. He then got back into bed, pulling Kate against his chest and pressing his lips to her neck. "For the record, I'm glad that I was there. It was by far the most incredible experience of my life."

Saturday morning, Castle was up bright and early putting things together for the family dinner they had planned for later that evening. Kate was out on the back patio, enjoying an atypical mild November day. She was enjoying the fresh air and her morning tea while watching Jack romp around the backyard with Royal. "Is everybody coming to my house tonight?" He ran up and threw himself at his mother, who hugged him tightly.

"Yes, everybody is coming to your house tonight. Grams, Pop-Pop, Lex and Brian, Uncle Kevin and Aunt Jenny with your cousins and Uncle Javi and Auntie Lanie. Are you excited to see everybody?"

"Yes! Are they bringing me lots of presents?"

"No, Jack. It isn't anybody's birthday. They're coming to see your new sister for the first time. Daddy's going to make lasagna and a big salad."

"Is anybody going to bring a cake?"

"I'm sure that Aunt Jenny will bring a dessert."

"I want a chocolate cake with lots of chocolate on it."

"Okay, I'll pass that along."

"Watch Royal catch my ball," Jack picked up a tennis ball and threw it, clapping excitedly when the puppy bounded after it, clutching it in his teeth and bringing it back to drop at his feet. "He's the smartest dog in the whole world."

Inside of the house, Castle was stirring a pot of pasta sauce when he sensed that he was being watched. He turned around to find Ariel standing right behind him, her arms crossed over her chest, looking very Beckett-like at the moment. "Good morning."

"Why are you making dinner right now?"

"This is my very special pasta sauce. It has to cook for a long time before it's ready."

"Why is everybody coming over today?"

"They're coming over to meet Hope for the first time. I thought that you'd be excited to see everybody."

"Is that the only reason they're coming over?"

"What's on your mind, Ariel?"

"Is there something wrong with Hope?"

"Why are you asking me that?"

"Because when you and mommy came home yesterday, you were whispering a lot with Grams. Then mommy was talking to Pop-Pop last night on the phone, but she started talking about something else when I came into the room. Is Hope okay?"

Castle took a deep breath, wondering how he was going to proceed. "Sweetie, I promise you that Hope is going to be fine. After I make breakfast, mommy and I will talk to you and Jack. Okay?"

"You pinky swear that Hope is okay?"

"I pinky swear it," he held out his pinky so that Ariel could hook her tiny finger with his. "Why don't you go and get dressed while I put out some food for Salt and Pepper?"

"Okay."

Castle was mixing batter for pancakes when Kate came back into the house with Jack. "Go upstairs and take your coat off," Kate instructed him. "Is Ari awake?" She kissed Castle on the cheek.

"Yes, she's upstairs getting dressed now. She knows that something's going on, Kate. I told her that we'd talk to her and Jack after breakfast. About Hope; not about the other thing."

"I don't want either of them knowing about that other thing if we can help it."

"Agreed. Keep an eye on these," he pointed to the griddle. "I have to make breakfast for the furry members of our family."

At the sound of the food box rattling, both kittens came running into the kitchen. "Ari, make sure they have fresh water," Kate told her daughter. "Castle, I'm going to check on the baby."

Kate walked into the master bedroom where Hope was still peacefully sleeping. She stood over the bassinet, her chest beginning to heave as she fought down waves of rising panic. She didn't know how long she stood there before she heard Castle's voice. She turned to face him, wiping her hands over her face. "Pancakes and bacon are on the table. Are you okay?"

"How are we going to tell them, Castle? How do we tell them not to be afraid when we're terrified?"

"Kate, she's going to be okay," he walked over to her and gently pulled her against his chest, stroking her back. "We just have to keep telling ourselves that. Come on, you need to eat something. We'll talk to Ariel and Jack together, just like we'll tell the others tonight."

"Okay," she breathed against him. "I'll be right there."

When Castle turned to leave, he found Ariel standing in the doorway. "Ariel, what have I told you about eavesdropping?"

"Don't worry, I didn't hear anything," she turned on her heel and walked back toward the kitchen.

Kate went into the master bathroom to wash her face and brush her hair. She was almost done when she heard Hope start to cry. "Oh, Hope," she sighed before leaving the bathroom and walking over to the bassinet. "Why can't you sleep for more than two hours at a time?" She scooped her up, holding her to her chest.

She could never remember feeling so tired, not even those first few weeks after Ari was born or after her c-section to deliver Jack. She didn't think she'd slept more than 24 hours in the past week. She'd try to sleep while Hope was sleeping, but her mind wouldn't shut down. And the night before her head had been filled with the letter she'd received regarding Josh, so she hadn't slept at all.

Grabbing the bouncy chair, she walked out of the bedroom to join her family for breakfast. She buckled Hope into the chair and placed it on the floor beside her chair, rocking it with her foot as she began to eat. "Ari, is there something that you want to ask me and daddy?" Kate looked at her daughter.

"We can wait until after breakfast," Ari stabbed a piece of pancake. "I don't want to ruin breakfast."

"Ari—"

"I said we can wait," Ari repeated, her voice firmer the second time around.

Kate jiggled the bouncy chair with her foot while she tried to eat breakfast, but Hope wasn't happy with being bounced. Kate next tried a pacifier, but that didn't work either. "Maybe she needs to be nursed," Castle suggested.

"Rick, she just nursed two hours ago. How can I get her on a four-hour schedule when she thinks that she needs to eat every two hours?"

Castle sighed, thinking of something to say. He knew that Kate was tired and he knew that she was scared. But he also sensed that she was in a freefall straight into a PTSD attack, which neither of the older kids needed to see. He got up and came around to her chair and removed Hope from the seat, placing her against his shoulder. "Finish your breakfast while I try to deal with Hope, okay?" She looked into his eyes and gave him a nod.

"Mommy?" Jack's voice was small as he tried to get his mother's attention.

"What, little man?" Kate looked over at him.

"Is Hope going to die?"

"Don't be stupid, Jack!" Ari shouted at him. "Babies don't die! Only really old people die!"

"Ariel, don't call your brother names!" Kate's voice came out much sharper than she intended. "I know that you heard me and daddy whispering to Grams, Ari. Believe me when I tell both of you that Hope is going to be okay."

"Is she sick?" Jack asked.

"Her heart has a boo-boo," she wanted to make things easy for the two of them, especially Jack, to understand. "The doctor has given her medicine to make her better."

"Does it taste yucky like when we get sick?"

"I don't know."

"Will it really make her better?" Ari asked.

"I hope so, baby."

"What if it doesn't?" Jack asked.

"Then the doctor will have to do an operation on her to make her better."

In the bedroom, Castle changed Hope and wrapped her up like a burrito, but Hope liked having her hands free, so he made adjustments. He then secured her in the crook of his arm and walked over to the rocker, sitting down and placing a pacifier in Hope's mouth, holding it in place so she wouldn't spit it out. "You are starting out to be our stubborn child, huh, Hope? You're just like you're mommy in that respect. Sweetie, I love you so much. I know that you and mommy are both having a rough time. But do you think that you could start sleeping for more than two hours? Just so that mommy can get some rest."

Holding Hope and gazing down into her beautiful face, Rick imagined how Kate must've looked when she was a baby. Hope lifted her fist to her face, trying to dislodge the pacifier from her mouth, but Castle managed to keep it in place. He began to slowly rock, patting Hope's tiny butt as the baby's eyes got heavier and heavier. He continued to hold her long after she went to sleep, watching her occasionally suck at the pacifier still in her mouth.

"How's she doing?" He looked up to find Kate standing in the doorway.

"Asleep. How are _you_ doing?"

"I don't know," she walked over to the rocker, removing Hope from him. "I talked to the kids, but you might want to talk to them, too."

"How did they take it?"

"They're scared and confused."

"Kind of like the rest of us, huh?" He gave her a sad smile. "Kate, why don't you put her in her bassinet and get some rest yourself? If not, you're going to drop before everybody gets here tonight."

"Okay."

When Castle came out of the master bedroom, he went upstairs where he found both kids playing with the kittens in Ariel's bedroom. He sat down on the edge of his daughter's bed and watched them with the two rambunctious kittens, a snow white one named Salt and a gray kitten named Pepper. Pepper had four white paws, which Ariel had found adorable when they'd adopted the two kittens a few weeks earlier. "Mommy said that she talked to you about Hope. Do you have any questions for me?"

"Are you scared?" Ariel's eyes were huge in her face.

"Well, I was a little scared when mommy told me that she was taking Hope to the hospital. But after the doctor talked to us, I felt a lot better. The doctor is going to make Hope better."

"Doctors make everybody better," Jack proclaimed.

"Yes, they do," Castle smiled at his son. "You guys stay up here and play nice with each other. I'm going to go and check on the pasta sauce."

***CCC***

Lanie was the first to arrive at around six o'clock. Kate answered the door, dressed in a pair of sweats and a NYPD sweatshirt. "Hey, girl," Lanie hugged her best friend. "Javi will be here in about half an hour. How are you?" Lanie pulled back, noticing that Kate looked extremely tired.

"I'm good," Kate said. "How are you?"

"I'm anxious to see the newest Castle baby. Lead the way."

"Okay."

Kate led Lanie into the master bedroom and over to the bassinet where Hope was sleeping, a tiny fist on either side of her head. "Kate, she is gorgeous!" Lanie looked at Kate, who was wiping tears from her face. "Kate, are you all right?"

"I'm okay. I just haven't been getting a lot of sleep. Come on, Castle's in the kitchen finishing dinner and the kids are upstairs."

An hour later, everybody else had arrived and was getting ready to sit down to dinner. "Rick, this smells wonderful!" Jenny praised the chef, who beamed proudly.

"Thank you, Jenny."

During dinner, the talk centered on many different subjects; Castle's upcoming book tour, a new play the Ryan's had recently seen, Jim's latest case at work, among other things. Jim was the one who noticed that Kate was barely touching her food, just moving it around her plate. "How's my new granddaughter doing?" He asked, knowing about Hope's heart condition, but hoping to draw his daughter out of the funk that she seemed to be in.

"She doesn't sleep as much as the other two did," Kate sighed.

"You didn't sleep much either when you were a baby. I remember that it used to drive your mom crazy."

"Kate still doesn't sleep much," Castle said as Kate glared at him.

After dinner, Castle led his children and the Ryan's two older children into his office where he'd already set up a movie night for them. "I need for you guys to listen to me. Mommy and I need to have a talk with everybody. That means we're going to be talking about grownup stuff. You have movies to watch and I made popcorn for you to snack on. Everybody has something to drink, right?" All of the children nodded. "Okay. Have fun and I'll check on everybody soon." He came out of his office and walked back to the dining table, where all of the adults were waiting for him. "They're all settled, so we can talk without interruption hopefully."

"What's going on, Beckett?" Javi asked.

"There are two things. Hope has a problem with her heart."

"Oh Kate, I'm so sorry," Jenny gasped, as Kevin took her hand.

"Please don't say that," Kate held a hand out to stop anybody from saying anything further. "First off, it's not life threatening. It's called an Atrial Septal Defect, which is a hole between the two upper chambers of her heart. Right now it's being treated medically, but if it doesn't close, they'll have to surgically repair it."

"When will you know which way they're going to go?" Kevin asked.

"The doctor is going to monitor her condition for six months. He said that if the defect doesn't close by then, then he'll repair it."

"How are you and Castle holding up, sweetie?" Lanie placed her hand over Kate's, giving it a squeeze.

"It's hard," Kate's voice caught on the words, but she smiled when she felt Rick behind her, giving her shoulders a light squeeze.

"You said that there were two things that you wanted to talk about. What's the second one?" Javi asked.

"I got a letter from the parole board. Josh is coming up for parole."

The looks on the faces of her friends told her more than their words ever could.

 **A/N #4: There you have it. The next chapter will pick up where this one leaves off, with everybody's reaction.**

 **A/N #5: I'm going to address a PM that I received from Linda, which goes back to an author's note I put in Chapter Two regarding my treatment of Jack. Yes, I probably do change some things to appease my readers. After all, part of improving as a writer is taking heed of what people like and don't like. I promise that I am trying to improve this situation, but it's not going to be an instant process. So yes, Linda, Jack is getting his scene for now. I can assure all of you that Jack was not born simply as a sibling to Ariel and I have no intentions of killing him off, now or in the foreseeable future, as one reviewer jokingly suggested to me in a previous story.**

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	4. Little Pitchers

**DISCLAIMERS: No, I don't own 'Castle.' If I did, Season 8 wouldn't be the train wreck that it started out to be.**

 **SUMMARY: A continuation of Chapter 3.**

 **A/N #1: For Kelly, who hasn't read 'Mind Games' and 'Freefalling into an Abyss,' I'll try to add enough flashbacks and details so that hopefully you won't become too lost. Thanks for reading over my chapters.**

 **A HOLE IN THE HEART**

 **CHAPTER 4: Little Pitchers**

" _I got a letter from the parole board. Josh is coming up for parole."_

"How can he already be eligible for parole?" Esposito was on his feet, pacing around the large dining table. "He escaped from prison, tried to kill your dad and Alexis and then he terrorized you, Alexis and Little Chica. How is he possibly eligible to be released after all of that?"

"I don't know. I'm going to call Deputy Chief Gates on Monday morning. I'm hoping that she can make some phone calls and get some answers."

"What're you going to do?" Ryan asked.

"I don't know about dad and Alexis, but I'm going to do whatever it takes to keep him behind bars for the rest of his life," Kate looked toward her father and stepdaughter for confirmation.

"He can't get out," Jim Beckett agreed.

Alexis cast her eyes down toward the dining table as she felt Brian take her hand. "Alexis? Are you okay?" She heard Brian's voice, sounding far away.

"I thought that I had put all of that behind me," her voice was hardly more than a whisper. "I don't want to have to think about him anymore."

"When he is going before the parole board?" Lanie asked.

"April," Kate answered just as she heard Hope's cries coming over the baby monitor. "Excuse me, let me go and get her."

"I'll go see if she needs help," Lanie offered, excusing herself from the group. Jenny got up from her chair to follow Lanie, leaving Alexis as the only woman with the men.

Kate was changing Hope when the two women entered the bedroom. "I was coming right back. I wanted to bring Hope out so that she could meet everybody before I bring her back here to nurse her."

"Kate, we've been friends for a long time," Lanie looked pointedly at her friend. "How are you really?"

"It's like I said, Lanie. It's hard," she looked down at the baby. "I just don't understand why nothing showed up on the ultrasound. I think I'd be able to handle this better if I had been prepared for it. Instead, I feel like Rick and I got hit by a train."

"May I?" Jenny nodded her head toward the baby.

"Oh, of course," Kate wrapped Hope in a blanket before handing her over to Jenny.

"Hi, Hope," Jenny whispered to Hope, breathing in the new baby scent of her. "Don't you just love how babies smell?"

"Well, usually," Kate said as the three women shared a laugh. "Come on; let's take her out to the dining room."

Back in the dining room, Castle was worried about how shaken Alexis still appeared. He went and sat down next to her. "Alexis, are you okay?"

"I . . . I just need some air," Alexis got up from the table and walked out of the back door.

"I'm sorry," Brian apologized as he also got up from the table. "She's been like this since getting the letter. I'd better go and see if she's okay."

Brian found Alexis sitting in one of the patio chairs with Royal's head resting on her knee. "I don't want to disappoint Kate," she looked up at her husband.

"Lex, you're not going to disappoint Kate. She'll understand if you don't want to talk to the parole board. Something tells me that with her and her dad, there's no way he's going to get out of prison."

"I really thought that I was okay. After all, if it hadn't been for Josh's attack on me, you and I would never have got together."

"Oh, I'm pretty sure we still would've got together, but there's nothing like needing comfort to move things along," he gave her a wry smile.

"Come on, let's go back inside. I want to hold my baby sister," she got up and grabbed his hand, tugging him back inside.

When Alexis and Brian rejoined the group at the table, they were just in time to see Hope being passed from one person to another. Jim had just taken his granddaughter from Ryan when Hope began to fuss loudly. "She's hungry," Kate said, taking the baby from her father. "I'm going to go give her dinner."

The children were still in Castle's office watching movies when Ariel got up and went to the door, standing next to it. "Daddy said we have to stay in here," Jack reminded her.

"What are the grownups talking about?" Colleen Ryan asked.

"My sister is sick," Jack announced. "Her heart is broke. But the doctor is going to fix her. My daddy said so."

"Is she so sick that she might die?" Five-year-old Liam Ryan piped up, which earned him a glare from Ariel.

"She's _not_ going to die," Ariel stated defiantly. "Everybody just wait here. I'll be right back."

In the few weeks since moving into her new house, Ariel had learned a few things. Not only did the house have an intercom system, there were also certain places in the house where you could listen to people talking unobserved. One of these places was in the floor of Ariel's closet.

The adults were still talking around the dining table when all talk suddenly came to a halt. Castle turned to find Ariel standing next to his chair, both hands clasped behind her back, looking nothing short of adorable in her pink shirt, black skirt, black tights and black ankle high boots on her feet. Her hair was tied up in two long ponytails. "Hi, sweet pea," he tugged one of her ponytails. "Are you enjoying your movies?"

"No, we're bored. Can we go up to my room and play with Salt and Pepper? Please?" She smiled, showing missing front teeth.

"Ask Uncle Kevin and Aunt Jenny if it's okay for Colleen and Liam to play with the kittens?"

Ariel made her way over to the other side of the table, placing herself between her unofficial aunt and uncle. "Uncle Kevin, is it okay if Colleen and Liam play in my room with my cats?"

"I don't see a problem with it," Kevin looked at Jenny, who nodded in agreement.

"Mommy's in the bedroom feeding Hope. Make sure that she knows you're going to be upstairs. Just for a little while, Ariel. We're going to have dessert soon."

"Okay!" Ariel ran from the room, returning to the office to tell the other kids. But instead of going down the hall to tell her mother as instructed, she led the others upstairs to her bedroom where the two kittens were curled up at the top of the catwalk that ran along the upper part of Ariel's wall so that the kittens could romp and play. She then walked to her closet and turned to her three companions with a finger to her lips. "You have to be quiet. That means you can't make any sound."

"Ariel, what are you talking about?" Colleen, who at 10 was almost three years older and didn't appreciate being bossed around by the younger girl, crossed her arms.

"There's a secret place in my closet where we can hear everybody talk."

"Can anybody else say really bad idea?" Liam looked at his sister, who nodded in agreement.

"If the grownups wanted us to know what was going on, they would tell us. Come on, Liam, let's go back and watch movies before we get in trouble," Colleen turned to leave the room.

"Are you going to tell on me?" Ariel stepped in front of Colleen, staring at her defiantly.

"I'm _not_ a tattletale. Come on, Liam," Colleen repeated before looking at Jack. "Jack, are you coming?"

"Can I pick the next movie?"

"Yes."

"Sissy, are you going with us?" Jack looked at his sister.

"I'll be down in a minute." Ariel walked over to her bed and sat down in the middle of it. Seconds later, Salt jumped down from her perch at the top of the catwalk and hopped up on the bed, settling down in Ariel's lap. "Maybe I should have said something about the letter that mommy got. Maybe then they would've wanted to listen." The cat just stared at her mistress with sleepy green eyes and purred contentedly.

Kate was exiting the bedroom when she heard footsteps on the stairs. She frowned when she saw Jack coming down with Colleen and Liam Ryan. "Jack, I thought you were in daddy's office watching movies."

"We were. Sissy wanted to do something in her room. Is my baby sister asleep? I wanted to show her to Colleen and Liam."

"She's not quite asleep, yet. You can go in there for a few minutes if you're quiet and don't bother her. Okay?"

"Okay. We won't bother her. I promise," Jack smiled his father's smile before they went into the bedroom.

Kate looked at the staircase and made a decision that she needed to find out just what it was Ari wanted to do in her room, although she had a pretty good idea. Castle was supposed to be calling a contractor about fixing the areas in the house where the kids could listen in on conversations. She had no problem with the intercom system, but the creepy 'spy vents' were another story.

When she walked into Ari's bedroom, she smiled at the sight of her daughter on the bed with Salt in her lap. Pepper was still curled up at the top of the of the cat perches that intersected the catwalk that her father had constructed so that the cats would have something to climb on. From what they had learned while researching cat ownership, cats apparently felt more secure and were happier when they could sit up high and observe everything. "Your brother said that you wanted to do something in your room," Kate sat on the edge of the bed. "That something wouldn't happen to have anything to do with the floor of your closet, would it?"

"Maybe," Ari hedged, looking down at the kitten, who was now swatting at one of her ponytails.

"Ari, you know that you can ask me or daddy anything. We will never lie to you or to Jack."

"I didn't mean to try and listen. I'd better go back downstairs to watch movies," Ari picked Salt up and placed her on the bed before getting up and leaving the room, leaving her mother completely dumbfounded.

Downstairs in the master bedroom, the other three children were gazing down into the bassinet at Hope who was asleep. "She's cute," Liam complimented the baby, "but not as cute as our baby sister."

"All babies are cute, Liam," Colleen reminded her little brother.

"Hey," they turned to find Kevin Ryan standing behind them. "Colleen, Liam, mommy was looking for you. We're about to cut the cake. What're you doing in here?"

"Auntie Kate said that we could look at the baby," Colleen answered.

"Well, you need to let Hope sleep now. Come on and get some cake."

At the dining table, the four children watched Jenny cut the chocolate cake she'd brought as a dessert. "See, Jack?" Kate told her son. "I told you that Aunt Jenny would probably bring a cake. Chocolate, with lots of icing, just like you wanted."

"My favorite," the little boy licked his lower lip as everybody laughed. "Can we eat it in daddy's office?"

"Uh," Kate looked at her husband for guidance.

"Come get me when you're finished and I'll get your plates. And don't touch anything when you're done," Castle guided the four children back toward his office.

"I found my kids and Jack in your bedroom," Ryan said.

"Yeah, I told him that he could show them the baby. I had to find Ari."

"Ariel asked if they could play in her room. Rick sent her to ask you if it was okay," Jenny said. "Is everything okay, Kate?"

"I really wish everybody would stop asking me that," Kate took a deep breath. "Everything is far from okay right now."

"Kate, what're you going to do?" Alexis asked. "Because all that I know is I don't want to talk about him. I just want to forget."

"When I think about him, I try not to think about the awful things that he did to all of us, Alexis. I think about the good things that happened despite what he tried to destroy. If it hadn't been for what he did to me during those five days, I'm not sure that your dad and I would've had Ari. If it hadn't been for his attack on you, you wouldn't have met the two men who rescued you. I also think that it brought you and Brian closer together."

"When he shot me, he made me realize how truly fleeting life can be," Jim remembered. "Alexis, I know that it's frightening, but you're not going to see him."

"You're just talking to the parole board and he's not going to ever learn about what was said or even who showed up to talk," Kate added.

"I just want to put it behind me," she looked at the group.

"Alexis, what if he gets paroled and he decides to come after you? What if he decides to go after Ariel, Jack, or the baby?" Javi challenged her.

"Hey, 'Sito," Castle had come back into the room, "take it easy. You don't need to put a guilt trip on my daughter."

"I'm not putting a trip on her, bro. I'm giving her simple facts."

"Alexis, you don't have to make a decision tonight," Kate spoke up, ending the brewing confrontation between her husband and one of his best friends. "I know that I'm going because I can't let him get out. That isn't even an option as far as I'm concerned."

"I have a wonderful idea," Martha spoke up. "Why don't we talk about something more pleasant? Richard, give us all of the details about delivering your daughter in the middle of the bathroom floor."

"Once I got over being scared shitless, it was the most awesome experience of my life!" Castle quickly warmed to his audience, regaling them of tales of playing midwife in the middle of a cold November night.

"Tell the truth, Beckett. Was he cool as a cucumber or did he lose his mind?" Lanie asked.

"Like he said, at first he was nervous but when I told him that I needed him, he became all business. He was great," Kate smiled at her husband, clutching his hand in hers.

"It must've been great knowing that her daddy was the first person Hope ever saw," Ryan took a drink of his wine.

"Yeah, it was," Castle suddenly became very choked up. "I think I'm going to go and check on the kids."

Kate looked up toward the ceiling and took a deep breath, trying to get her emotions under control. "Oh darling," she felt Martha's arms around her, "the two of you need to cry together. You need to get everything out of your systems so that you're ready to fight another day."

"I know," Kate wiped at her eyes. "I'm trying to stay strong for him and he's trying to do the same for me."

"And you are staying strong," Martha patted Kate's hand. "Crying and grieving isn't a sign of weakness."

"I know."

"I know that you do. You and Richard are going to be just fine. And so is my granddaughter."

"Thank you, Martha."

It was almost midnight by the time all of their guests left. After getting the kids settled into bed, Kate and Castle headed into their bedroom just as Hope was waking up to be fed. "I'm going to take a shower," he kissed Kate before heading into the bathroom.

Kate changed Hope's diaper and put her in a fresh sleeper before taking her to the rocking chair. Before nursing her, she gave her a dose of the beta blocker with a medicine dropper. She was rocking her, humming softly as Hope suckled. She looked up toward the ceiling when she heard sounds from up above. "Salt and Pepper are awake," she remarked when Castle stepped out of the bathroom.

"I know. I don't see how Ariel sleeps through that," he walked over and turned down the bed.

"Speaking of Ariel, you need to call the contractor and get that panel removed from her closet. She was upstairs earlier with the other three kids with the plan to listen in on our conversation."

"I'll call him Monday morning. First thing," he promised.

"Here, daddy," she held Hope out toward him. "She's all yours."

Kate watched Castle take the baby and hold her to his huge chest before he settled down in the rocker that she had just vacated. "How did it go tonight?"

"A little better, but I think it's because we have answers, so I'm not as tense. Maybe my milk is letting down better," she settled herself into bed, continuing to watch her husband with their youngest baby. "She loves cuddling with daddy. I know there's no place that I'd rather be," she caught his smile.

After burping her, he got up and took her back to her bassinet, covering her with a blanket before joining Kate in bed. She instantly rested her head against his chest, feeling his arm anchor her to him. "Is it okay to be this scared, Kate?"

"About what?" She looked up at him.

"Everything. The baby, Josh, everything." And the dam suddenly broke.

"I'm scared too, Castle," she reached for him as they cried in each other's arms, releasing the awful fear that had permeated both of them for over a week. "But it's okay to be scared. We're going to get through this together."

"I hope so, Kate. I hope so."

 **A/N #2: In typical Caskett1960 fashion, things are going to get very crazy starting in the next chapter.**

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	5. Baby Blues

**DISCLAIMERS: I don't own anything that you would recognize.**

 **SUMMARY: Beckett begins a downward spiral while Castle tries to figure out just what is wrong with her.**

 **A/N #1: While I will be using flashbacks from 'Mind Games,' I will also be putting in things that weren't used in the actual story, but occurred during that story.**

 **A/N #2: I don't know anything about postpartum depression, but I have been doing a lot of research. So, please bear with me on this topic. Feel free to share your experiences with me if you've been through it. I don't have any children, so I have no frame of reference.**

 **A HOLE IN THE HEART**

 **CHAPTER 5: Baby Blues**

Castle was in his office paying bills on a bitterly cold Tuesday morning when he heard it. It was the sound of a baby crying coming from their bedroom down the hall. He knew that the sound would stop when Kate got Hope from her bassinet to change and feed her. But when the crying continued after five minutes, he got up from his desk chair and made his way down the hall. "Hey princess," Castle lifted Hope from her bassinet, wrinkling his nose when he got a whiff of her. "Let's get you nice and clean; then we'll go to find mommy. How does that sound?"

While he cleaned the baby and put her in fresh clothes, his mind went over the past few days. He was beginning to worry about Kate. In the last several days, he'd noticed a change come over her. She was barely sleeping and was moving through the day like she was in a trance.

And then there was Hope. Castle had never found any fault in Kate's mothering skills. She had always been an attentive mother, even when she worked 12 and 16-hour days. But since getting the news regarding first Hope's heart and then the letter from the prison about Josh, he'd noticed that she'd been getting neglectful with the kids. He'd experienced the same thing with Meredith, but he knew with his first wife, it was due to being narcissistic. With Kate, he suspected something far worse. He was well aware of her past history with PTSD and he feared that it was back, manifesting itself in the form of severe postpartum depression.

He finished cleaning Hope, dressing her in a soft flannel sleeper before wrapping her in a blanket, making sure that he kept her tiny hands free. One of those fists immediately went to her mouth. "I know, sweetie. Let's take you to mommy so that she can feed you. How does that sound?"

After searching downstairs and finding no sign of her, he began walking up the stairs toward the kids' bedrooms. He finally found Kate in Hope's room, sitting on the window seat and staring out at the bare trees. The real estate agent had told them that in the spring, that tree would blossom with bright pink flowers, which was the deciding factor in Kate choosing this room for the baby.

Castle stood in the doorway, cradling the baby in his arms and watched his wife. Her forehead was resting against the cold glass and her legs were tucked up under her. He could tell that she wasn't even aware that he was standing there. He placed Hope in her crib before walking over and sitting across from Kate. It was only then that she finally looked at him. "Is everything okay, Castle?"

"The baby was crying. Didn't you hear her?"

"Is she okay?"

"She had a messy diaper and I think she's hungry. How long have you been up here?"

"A few minutes, I think. Did you take the kids to school?"

"Yeah, Kate. Two hours ago. Are you hungry?"

"No. You said that Hope is hungry. I just fed her."

"Kate, you fed her when I woke the kids up for school. That was more than three hours ago. Why don't you go downstairs and get back into bed? I can give Hope a bottle."

"No," she shook her head. "Meredith did that to you with Alexis. I don't want to be like Meredith."

"Oh, baby," tears filled his eyes as he pulled her close. "You will never in a million years be like Meredith."

"Rick," her voice was muffled against his shirt, "why have I never remembered everything that he did to me?"

"Hey," he pulled her back so that he could look into her eyes, "were you dreaming about what happened? Why didn't you wake me?"

Hope began to cry from the crib, which seemed to bring Kate out of whatever funk she'd slipped into. She got up and ran over to the crib, scooping the crying baby out and holding her to her breast. "Shh," she crooned to her. "I'm so sorry. Come on, let's go and have some breakfast."

She quickly left the room, leaving Rick more confused than ever. He didn't know a lot about postpartum depression, but he did know enough to realize if that's what Kate was experiencing, then he needed to get her some help and soon.

Downstairs in the master bedroom, Kate sat in the rocker by the window and put Hope to her breast, idling humming when she felt the baby latch on. She usually told Rick everything, but how could she explain to him that she didn't dare sleep, because when she slept, her dreams were filled with nightmarish reminders of the things Josh had done to her just over eight and a half years earlier.

 _It had taken her weeks before she felt safe enough to sleep once she'd been rescued. Rick had been her rock, holding her tight when she did finally close her eyes and holding her securely to his broad chest when her screams would wake him up, sometimes as little as 20 minutes after she'd closed her eyes. "He told me that you didn't love me," she sobbed after one particularly bad night when sleep refused to come. "He told me that you didn't care enough to come looking for me."_

" _Well, that was obviously a lie," he rocked her just like he had Alexis when she was small. "After all, I was the one in the woods with Ryan when you came stumbling out."_

" _Tell me," she looked up at him with eyes that were bleak with misery. "Tell me how much you love me."  
_

" _You are the last person that I want to see when I close my eyes at night and the first person that I want to see when I open my eyes in the morning. I love you so, so much," he kissed her softly._

"He's a monster, Hope. If he gets out, I'm going to kill him. Parts of it still don't seem real." She looked toward the doorway when she saw Castle standing there. "Did you call the contractor about those spy vents?"

"I talked to him yesterday. He'll be here tomorrow," he felt like reminding her that he'd told her that the day before, but he decided to let it go. "How about something to eat when you get her settled?"

"I need some air," she suddenly decided. "Can you keep an eye on her while I go into the city for a couple of hours?"

"Kate, I have to pick Jack up in an hour. It's 35 degrees outside. I don't want to get her out. Where were you planning on going?"

"Are you my keeper all of a sudden? I had a baby 10 days ago, Castle. I haven't been out of the house since I came home from the hospital. I thought that maybe I'd go see Lanie or my dad for a couple of hours. Is that a problem or are you going to chain me to the bed?"

"No, it's not a problem, Kate. Do you want me to fix you something to eat before you go?"

"I'm not hungry," she removed Hope from her breast and put her on her shoulder, gently patting her back to get her to burp.

Castle was in his office when Kate came out 20 minutes later, sloppily dressed in a pair of sweat pants and an old NYPD sweatshirt, her hair tied on top of her head in a messy bun. "I just need to get out for a little while," she tried to explain. "I won't be gone long."

Castle followed Kate to the garage, watching her get in her car and start the engine. He knew that she was in pain, but he didn't know how to help her. He went back inside once the garage door came down and pulled out his cell phone, sending a text to Lanie. **'Call me as soon as you get this. It's important.'**

Within a minute, his phone rang. "Castle, what's going on?"

"Lanie, I'm worried about Kate. She just left here and I'm scared. She said that's going into the city to either see you or her dad, but I'm not really sure where she's going."

"Okay, tell me what's going on. Tell me _everything,"_ she instructed him.

"I don't think she's sleeping," and with that opening, he told Lanie everything that had been going on the past several days. "Lanie, what do I do? Is it postpartum depression?"

"It sounds like it, but Castle, it could also be that Kate's just feeling overwhelmed by everything that's happened in the past week. If she shows up here, I'll try to talk to her. Did she take the baby with her?"

"No, she left Hope here."

"Did she take her phone?"

"I'm not sure. Let me check," he went into their bedroom, but he didn't find her phone. "I can't find it, so she must have it on her."

"Okay, that's good."

"Why is that good?"

"It means that hopefully she isn't going to do something stupid. If she shows up here, I will text you. I know these are empty words, but try not to worry. Call her dad and tell him the same things that you just told me, in case she shows up at his office."

"Okay, Lanie. Thank you."

"You're welcome. I promise you that we'll take good care of her, Rick."

"I know."

***CCC***

Kate was stuck in traffic when her phone rang. "Beckett," she answered.

"Hey, girl," Lanie's voice sounded over the line. "I'm just calling to check on you."

"Liar. Castle called you, didn't he?"

"He's worried about you, sweetie. And now I'm worried about you."

"I'm fine. I'll be there in about 10 minutes," she hit the 'end' button on her phone and started moving through traffic once again.

The guard at the OCME knew Kate, so he allowed her access without showing her badge. She walked into the morgue where Lanie was conducting an autopsy. "Mr. Miller here has an excuse for looking like death warmed over, since he is, after all, dead. But girl, I can't wait to hear what your excuse is. Why are you here instead of at home taking care of your new little bundle of joy?"

"I don't know," Kate leaned against one of the metal cabinets.

Lanie stopped what she was doing and walked over to her friend. "Is it the news about the baby? Are you worried about Josh coming up for parole? Kate, we can't help you if you don't talk to us."

"The day that he got sentenced, Castle and I went home," Kate stared down at the floor. "We used the baby making gifts that you gave me as a wedding gift and we made a baby. We conceived Ari on that day. For almost two years, I didn't give Josh another thought. And then he escaped from prison and terrorized my family. _My family,_ Lanie! He attacked Alexis; he shot my father; he almost killed me! I was promised that he'd never see freedom ever again! I can't sleep, Lanie. When I sleep, I either have nightmares about what Josh did to me during those five days or I have nightmares where he takes Hope away from me."

"Oh Kate," Lanie walked over and embraced her friend, "you have the power to keep him in prison. You have to use that power."

"I know. Lanie, I love Hope."

"Kate, I have no doubts about that."

"But I don't _feel_ anything toward her. Not like what I felt when Ari and Jack were babies. I loved nursing them and feeling them so close to my heart. What is wrong with me?"

"Kate, let's go and sit down," she led Kate into her office and took a bottle of water from the refrigerator, handing it to her. "You've had a rough few days. But there's nothing wrong with you. However, I do think you might need some help."

"Lanie, I don't have postpartum depression," Kate protested.

"Kate," Lanie got up and walked around to the front of her desk, stopping in front of her, "I didn't say that. I just said that you need some help. There's nothing wrong with admitting that you need help. Castle loves you. You know that he'd do anything in the world for you."

"I love him, too," Kate's eyes were bright with tears. "I feel like I'm letting him down."

"How?"

"I don't know. That's just it. I don't understand why I feel this way," she suddenly burst into tears.

***CCC***

Castle was worried about Kate. Lanie had texted him when she'd arrived at the OCME, but he hadn't heard anything since. He'd given Hope a couple of bottles, which she'd taken without too much trouble, bundled her up to pick Jack up at school, and then had repeated the process when it was time to pick Ariel up later that afternoon.

"Where's mommy?" Were Ariel's first words when they returned home just as the first flakes of snow began to fall from the leaden sky.

"She went to visit Auntie Lanie. She should be back soon," Castle answered as he removed Hope's snowsuit and tucked her into her bassinet, which he'd moved into the living room. "What do you want for a snack?"

"She didn't take Hope with her," Ariel followed her dad into the kitchen.

"It was too cold to take Hope," he opened the pantry and rooted through it for peanut butter and crackers. "How about some peanut butter crackers? Then I'll help you with your homework."

"I'll help her," Jack offered, which made Castle smile.

"You will, huh? While Sissy is doing her homework, why don't you get your tablet and we'll work on your letters."

"Okay!" Jack ran from the room, leaving Ariel alone with her dad.

Castle was making a snack for the kids when his cell phone rang. He looked at the caller id, breathing a huge sigh of relief when he saw Kate's smiling face on his screen. "Hey, gorgeous. Are you on your way home?"

"Castle, I can't do this," he could hear Kate's teeth chattering on the other end.

"Hold on," he looked over at Ariel, who was listening to every word. "Ariel, why don't you go and help Jack find his tablet." He waited until his daughter had left the room before he went back to his conversation with Kate. "Kate, where are you?"

"The park. Castle, I'm so scared."

"Kate, which park? Central or the one near the house?"

"Across . . . across from the OCME."

"Kate, let me call Lanie to go and get you while I call my mother to watch the kids."

"No, Castle. If Lanie shows up, I'll run. Only you, Rick. I just want you."

"Okay, Kate. But I need to take the kids to my mother. I'll be there the second that I drop them off. Where are you exactly?"

"There's a fountain . . . a man riding a horse."

"I'll be there as quick as I can," he ended the call before going over to the stairs leading up to the kids rooms. "Ariel! Jack! Get your coats on! I'm taking you to Grams for a little while! Hurry! Now!"

"What's wrong? Why are we going to Grams house now?" Ariel asked as she led her brother down the stairs.

"Mommy's having car trouble. I'm going to go and get her."

"Why can't we go?" Jack asked.

"Jack, do as I tell you!" He shouted, feeling immediately guilty when he saw his son's eyes fill with tears. "I'm sorry, buddy. It's just that we have to wait for a tow truck and it's too cold for the three of you to wait in the car. Come on, get your coats while I fix Hope's diaper bag."

"Come on, Jack. I'll help you with your coat," Ariel took her brothers hand.

***CCC***

Kate was beyond numb with cold, sitting on a bench near the fountain she'd described to Castle. While she waited for Castle, so many thoughts swirled through her head. She thought about her breakup with Josh after her shooting and then her awful lies to Castle. She looked up at the leaden sky, remembering the night she'd come to Castle in the pouring rain. He was always coming to her rescue, whether she wanted him to or not.

She loved being a mom. It was a role that she never thought she'd get to fulfill. But the moment Ari had been placed in her arms for the first time; she knew that there was nothing that she'd rather be than a mom. Watching them grow had been an obsession. Now she felt like she was losing her mind. She didn't understand what was happening to her. She just knew that she wanted it to stop. She wanted to feel normal again. She wanted to be herself again.

"Kate?" She looked up when she heard Castle calling her name. "Oh my god, you're so cold," he slipped out of his coat and wrapped it around her. "Are you all right?"

"Help me, Castle. Please help me," she began to weep as he pulled her into his arms and held her.

"I'm going to, babe. I'm going to." He pulled her away so that he could tighten the coat around her. "But the first thing that we need to do is get you warmed up. Come on, let's go across the street and get some hot chocolate."

"Castle, my boobs are killing me," she complained as they began walking across the park, his arm securing her to his side. "I need to nurse Hope."

"We'll go and get the kids after we get you warmed up."

"Is she okay?"

"She's fine," he guided her across the street into a small coffee shop. After getting her settled in a booth, he went up and bought two hot chocolates. He then came back over and slid into the booth next to her, placing the steaming cup in front of her.

Kate warmed her hands on the mug before picking it up and taking a sip, relishing the warmth of the beverage going down her throat. "Hope's really all right?"

"Hope's fine, Kate. I gave her a couple of bottles while you were gone and gave her a dose of the beta blocker. Do you feel better?"

"No, not really," she looked at him. "There's just too much going on, Castle. I feel like I can't cope with all of it."

"I know," he slid his hand over to hold hers. "I know that it's a lot to take in, but why don't you focus on one thing at a time."

"How? Castle, I can't sleep. Every time that I close my eyes, I go back to that basement. And then I start thinking that if he gets out again, he'll come after Hope. He was a heart surgeon, Castle!"

"Hey, slow down. When did the letter say his parole hearing is?"

"April . . . April 22."

"Kate, that's five months away. For right now, put that at the back of your mind and concentrate on Hope. I'll be the first to admit that the timing on all of this sucks, but we'll deal with it. Let's work on getting Hope healthy."

"Yeah," she nodded. "Yeah, I can do that."

"In your head, keep visualizing that hole in her heart getting smaller."

"Castle, I'm scared."

"I know. I'm scared, too."

"No, not about Hope's heart condition. I love her so much," tears began to once more fall down her cheeks. "But I'm afraid to let myself get too attached to her. What if she doesn't get better? What if the doctor is wrong and she dies?"

"Kate, we're not going to lose her," his voice was adamant. "And like it or not, you're already attached to her. You gave birth to her. You cuddle her and nurse her and hum to her just like you did with Ariel and Jack. Detaching yourself from her isn't going to protect your heart if something did happen to her. Now, let's go get our kids so that you can feed Hope."

"What about my car?"

"I'll call the car service tonight after the kids are in bed to bring me back here and I'll drive it back home."

***CCC***

Martha was sitting on the sofa with an extremely fussy Hope while Jack cuddled at her side. "You can give her a bottle. That's what daddy did today," Jack suggested.

"Your daddy and mommy are on their way here. Daddy said that mommy needs to feed Hope, so we can wait a few minutes," Martha told her grandson, while she looked across the room at Ariel, who was reading a book on her tablet.

"I like my little sister. Do you think that she likes me?" Jack gently touched Hope's tiny hand, feeling her fingers grip his.

"She loves you. You're going to be a terrific big brother. Ariel, would you like to come and join us?"

"No, thank you. I'm trying to finish my book. Grams, can I ask you a question?"

"Of course, darling. You can ask me anything."

"Who's Josh and why is mommy so afraid of him?"

 **A/N #3: And there you have it. Chapter 6 will pick up where this one left off.**

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	6. A Widening Chasm

**DISCLAIMERS: No, I don't own 'Castle.' If I did, Season 8 would not be the train wreck it's turning out to be.**

 **SUMMARY: Kate's descent into postpartum depression continues, with near tragic results. This one is rated M for language.**

 **A/N #1: The beginning of this chapter will pick up where Chapter 5 left off.**

 **A/N #2: Also remember that in my universe, Martha got the loft after the Castle's bought their house on Long Island.**

 **A/N #3: I'm sorry that I took so long to post this. But I've been doing a lot of soul searching and I realize that I might lose some readers. I lost interest in this story following some of the feedback that I received regarding Jack. Finally, one of my muses told me that she was going to 'severely bitch slap me' if I didn't remain true to myself. A forced story doesn't work and I felt like I was forcing some things that just weren't working.**

 **A HOLE IN THE HEART**

 **CHAPTER 6: A Widening Chasm**

Before Castle got his key into the front door of the loft, Kate could hear Hope's cries of hunger, which caused her breasts to leak copiously, soaking through her nursing bra and thick sweatshirt. She didn't even say anything when they entered the loft; she simply walked over to Martha and took the screeching baby from her arms. Martha looked at her son as Kate walked into the room that used to be Castle's office to find a quiet place to nurse the baby.

"Daddy, did you get mommy's car fixed?" Ariel asked.

"Uh, no. I'm going to meet someone later after I get you guys in bed. As soon as mommy feeds Hope, we'll go home and I'll make you and Jack some dinner."

In the other room, Kate lifted her sweatshirt up and unlatched the cup on her bra before settling Hope to her breast. She released a hiss of pain and relief when the hungry baby finally latched on. "Hope, mommy needs to make a note to herself to take the breast pump the next time I run away from home."

She looked at the doorway and saw Martha standing there. "Darling, is everything all right?" She came in and sat down in an armchair.

"It's just everything with her and then . . . the other stuff with . . . him," she said, not wanting to say Josh's name out loud.

"Speaking of _him_ , Ariel asked me who he was and why you were so afraid of him."

"What did you tell her?" Kate was horrified. She didn't want either of her older children knowing anything about Josh.

"I managed to steer her away from the conversation. For now."

"Martha, I don't want Ari or Jack to know anything about him. _Ever_."

"Katherine, need I remind you that you are the mother of a seven-year-old who is sometimes much too smart for her own good. I'm not saying that you need to sit her down tonight, but at some point, I do think that you're going to have to tell her something. You do remember that some good came out of that whole ordeal, don't you?"

"Yeah, I remember," Kate managed a watery smile. "Thank you for watching them on such short notice."

"Sweetheart, I'm a grandma. It's what I do," she got up and gently patted Kate's hand before leaving the room.

An hour later, Kate was sitting on the couch at home with a fed and bathed child on either side of her. She herself was so tired that she felt like she was about to drop, but she'd promised the kids that she'd read with them after dinner. So here the three of them were, reading The Wizard of Oz. "Mommy, I want to get a flying monkey," Jack smiled up at her, his smile so like his father's that Kate couldn't help but smile back.

"You are a flying monkey," she kissed the top of his head. "Two more pages and then it's off to bed."

"You cover me up, mommy," Jack insisted.

"Sweetie, I'm really tired. I promise that I'll cover you up tomorrow night. Let's finish reading so that daddy can get you into bed."

After finishing reading, she kissed both of them goodnight and sent them off to bed with their father. Their first stop was Jack's room where Castle tucked his son under his Spiderman comforter before getting up and turning on his Spiderman nightlight before leaving the room with Ariel. She got under the covers as Salt jumped down from her perch to hop onto the end of the bed. "Daddy?"

"What, sweetie?"

"Who's Josh?"

Castle looked into the beautiful eyes of his daughter, eyes that were half him and half Kate and tried to think of an answer. He and Kate were in complete agreement on one point. Neither of them wanted their children to know what a monster Josh Davidson was. "Josh is somebody that mommy and I used to know a long time ago," he said, which wasn't a lie. He and Kate had also agreed after the incident with Jerry Tyson, that they would never lie to their kids.

"He was a friend, like Uncle Kevin and Uncle Javi?"

"No, sweetie. He was just someone that we knew."

"Where is he now?"

"He lives upstate. Enough questions, Ariel. It's time to go to sleep."

"Do you know why mommy's scared of him? I heard her saying that she was scared of him."

"Go to sleep, Ariel," he kissed her forehead before getting up from the edge of the bed. "Pepper doesn't sleep on the bed with you and Salt?"

"When she gets on the bed, they start playing and I have to shoo one of them off."

"Goodnight. I love you."

"I love you, too."

Kate was standing at the back door, looking at the snow that was still falling. "Do you think Royal's all right? It's going to be so cold tonight."

"He'll be fine if he's smart enough to get in his doghouse. Come on, you need to get some sleep. The car service will be here in about half an hour to drive me into town to get your car. I should be back before Hope wakes up for her next feeding."

Lying in Castle's arms was Kate's favorite place in the whole world. She was warm and drowsy, slowly being lulled into slumber by Rick's hand softly rubbing her back, his heartbeat strong and steady under her cheek. She was almost asleep when she felt him start to get up. "No, Castle," she tugged on his hand. "Stay in bed."

"Babe, I have to go. The car is here. I should be back in a couple of hours," he kissed her softly before standing up and putting his shoes back on.

Soon after he left, Kate got out of bed, now wide awake. She padded into the kitchen, hoping that some cocoa would help her relax and go back to bed. When she opened the refrigerator, she saw it. The bottle of orange juice. She closed her eyes in order to rid herself of the memories of Josh making her drink orange juice that had been heavily laced with Ketamine. It had taken her almost three years before she could drink orange juice again. For over a year, she wouldn't even let Castle keep it in the house or order it when they went out for breakfast somewhere.

She'd just removed the milk and put it on the counter when she thought that she heard a noise coming from hers' and Castle's room. "Rick? Is that you?" She called out, slowly walking back to the bedroom.

What she saw filled her with heart-stopping terror. She hadn't seen him in six years, but she'd still recognize him anywhere. He was even wearing the black leather motorcycle jacket that she had once loved. Josh Davidson was standing over Hope's bassinet. Kate knew that he hadn't seen or heard her, so she took the opportunity to go to Castle's office and remove her Glock from the gun safe. Checking that the weapon was loaded, she went back to the bedroom. "Get away from my baby!" She screamed. "How are you even here? You're supposed to be in prison! You're not supposed to be here!"

"Kate," Josh turned toward her, his smile the same smile that she'd remembered from when they were a couple. "I'm a heart surgeon, remember? I save lives every day. I can save Hope, Kate. I can make her whole again." 

"How do you even know her name? Get out of my house or I swear to God, I'll kill you!"

"Mommy? Mommy?"

Kate turned to find Jack standing by her side. "Jack, go upstairs! Go before he gets you."

"Mommy, there's nobody there."

Kate blinked and saw that the only people in the room was her, Jack, and Hope, who was sound asleep in her bassinet. Kate dropped her gun to the floor before kneeling down and pulling Jack into her arms, hugging him fiercely. "Jack, are you okay? You didn't see a man in a black coat?"

"No," the little boy shook his head. "Nobody's here. Where's daddy? Daddy can help."

"Are you sure that you didn't see the man in a black coat standing by Hope's bed?"

"Mommy, you were pointing your gun at Hope's bed. Why were you going to hurt Hope?"

"Hey, what's going on?" Jack looked up and saw his father standing in the doorway. "Kate, why do you have your gun?"

"Mommy was going to shoot Hope."

Now, Castle was truly terrified. But he knew that he needed to get his son upstairs and calmed down before he dealt with his wife. "Jack, wait here. I'll be right back," he bent down and carefully picked up the gun, returning it to the safe in his office. He then came back and picked Jack up into his arms. "Kate, I'm going to put Jack back to bed. I'll be right back."

Castle carried Jack upstairs to his room and put him back in his bed. "Mommy said that there was a man in a black coat by Hope's bed. Daddy, there wasn't anybody there."

"Mommy's not feeling good right now, so she might be seeing things and hearing things."

"Like ghosts?" Jack's eyes were huge in his small face.

"Exactly," Castle forced a smile. "I want you to go back to sleep. Okay?"

"Okay, daddy."

When Castle returned to their bedroom, Kate was nowhere to be found, but he could hear muffled sobbing coming from behind the closed bathroom door. He walked into the bathroom to find Kate sitting on the cold floor, crying her eyes out. "Oh my god, Rick! I was going to shoot my own daughter! What in the hell is wrong with me?"

"Tell me what happened. Why did you get your gun?"

"I got up to make some cocoa," she wiped at her face. "I heard a noise from the bedroom. When I came in here, I saw Josh standing over Hope's bassinet. He was there, Castle! I saw him!"

"Kate, you haven't slept in days. I think that you believe that he was in here, but he wasn't." 

"Are you saying that I'm crazy?"

"No, Kate. I'm saying that you need to sleep."

"Castle, I can't sleep! By the time that I go to sleep, Hope's going to be awake!"

"Kate, we're going to figure this out. Why don't you express some milk and I'll give her a bottle when she wakes up? That way, you can get a few hours of sleep."

"Oh god, Castle," she buried her face in her hands. "What if Jack hadn't got up? Am I going crazy? You must be thinking that it's not safe for you to leave me . . . to leave me alone with our kids."

She began to cry again as Castle sat down beside her and pulled her into his arms. "You're not crazy, Kate. You're exhausted and overwhelmed. I know that you would never hurt our kids. Come back to bed. I'll stay with you until you're asleep."

"What about Hope?" She pulled back to look at him.

"Do you want to pump some milk for her?" He asked her as she nodded. "Okay, I'll go and get the pump."

An hour later, Castle was propped against the headboard of their bed watching Kate while she slept. He hoped that Hope's cries wouldn't wake her up, but he knew that she probably would. He wondered if maybe it was time to move the baby upstairs to her room. His mind kept going back to the scene of a couple of hours before. He couldn't help but wonder what would've happened if he hadn't come home when he had. He had to get help for Kate before a tragedy occurred.

"Castle?" Kate reached out blindly for him, her hand landing on his leg.

"Shh. Go back to sleep. I'm right here."

She struggled to sit up, running a hand through her now very tangled hair. "Why are you still awake?"

"I was waiting to give Miss Hope her early morning snack," he smiled. "She should be awake any time now."

"What time is it?"

"A little after midnight. How are you feeling?"

"Tired, confused, scared. Take your pick. Poor Jack must've been terrified."

"I think he was more worried for his mommy. Kate, I've been doing some research. Everything that I've read tells me that what you're going through isn't your garden variety post-partum depression."

"Great," she sighed. "Leave it to me to be unique."

"Kate, I don't think it's post-partum depression, at all. I think it's your PTSD manifesting itself."

"Castle, I haven't gone through any traumatic events lately."

"Yes, you have," he argued. "First, you learned that our baby has a health problem and then you got that letter from the parole board about Josh. For someone like you with PTSD, that's probably going to trigger all kinds of stuff. What happened right before you thought that you heard Josh in here? Walk me through it step by step."

"Right after you left to get my car, I couldn't sleep. I got up and went to the kitchen to make a cup of cocoa. I opened the refrigerator and took out the milk," she stopped and reflected back to earlier in the evening. "Before I grabbed the milk, I saw the orange juice. For some reason, I remembered how long it took me to even allow it back in the house and even longer before I could drink it."

"So, you heard him after you noticed the orange juice?"

"Yeah, I think so."

Castle was about to say something when they both heard the first squawks coming from Hope's bassinet. "I'm going to go get her bottle," he got out of bed and left the room.

Kate got up and walked over to the bassinet, lifting her tiny daughter out of it, laughing when Hope stretched her arms out and made a grunting noise. "Hi, Princess," Kate kissed her neck. "Let's get you changed before daddy gets back. How does that sound?"

Kate took Hope over to the changing table, marveling over her long fingers and toes. All three of their kids had inherited Kate's hands and feet. After cleaning her and putting her in a clean diaper and an onesie, she carried her back to the bed and got under the covers just as Castle came back in with the warm bottle. "Do you want to give this to her?" He held the bottle out to Kate, who accepted it with a smile. "I'm glad she doesn't mind taking a bottle."

"I think she just wants to eat and doesn't care where it comes from. I'll nurse her when she wakes up at 3:30."

"You should sleep."

"Castle, I want to nurse my baby," she said in a voice that brokered no argument.

"Let's compromise, okay?" He looked to where Hope had stopped drinking from the bottle when she felt her mother get upset. "First, you need to relax so that Hope will start nursing again. I'm not trying to keep you away from Hope. I'd never do that. But you need to sleep. How about I give her a bottle when she wakes up at 3:30 or so and then you can nurse her when she wakes up around six. That way, you can also have breakfast with Ariel and Jack before they go to school. And you can also get some sleep."

"Okay," she agreed, turning her attention to Hope, who had returned her attention to her bottle. "Do you remember when Jack was a baby? Do you remember how much he hated taking a bottle?"

"That's because he's a boob man, like his old man," Castle said, laughing when Kate gave him a look. "That so didn't come out the way that I intended."

"No kidding, pervert," she shoved at him.

Watching her with Hope cradled in her arms, Castle could make himself think that maybe she was okay. Maybe she was just having a bad few days. Anybody could have a bad few days.

***CCC***

"Is mommy still asleep?" Ariel asked, with a mouthful of cereal.

"She should be awake soon. Don't talk with your mouth full."

"Mommy woke me up last night," Jack told his sister. "She was yelling and she almost shot Hope."

"Jack, you were probably having a bad dream. Mommy shoots bad guys. She'd never shoot Hope."

"Jack," Castle cautioned his son to no avail.

"I wasn't having a bad dream. She said she saw a man in a black coat by Hope's bed, but he was invisible. She had her gun and she was going to shoot it, but I woke her up."

"Jack, enough!" Castle said, finally getting his son's attention. "Finish your breakfast and get your backpacks."

Castle heard a noise and saw Kate standing in the doorway, tears streaming down her face while she held Hope close to her. "Kate!" He ran from the room, following Kate to their bedroom where she'd just put Hope back in her bassinet before throwing herself onto their bed.

"Castle, I don't want to hurt our kids."

"I know that you don't want to hurt them and I don't think that you would hurt them."

"Your mother said that I should talk to them about Josh. How do you create a Disney version of a psychopath?"

"Ariel asked me last night who he was," Castle said. "I just told her that he was someone that we used to know and now he lives upstate."

"I need to feed Hope. And you should get the kids to school."

"Are you going to be okay?"

"Do you mean, am I going to try to shoot our daughter again? I hope not."

"That's not what I meant."

"I need to nurse Hope," she said when the baby began to scream.

Castle left the room, but he sent the kids in to tell her goodbye before taking them to school. Kate smiled when they walked in, dressed in their uniforms for school. "Have a good day at school," she motioned them over so that she could kiss them goodbye, like she did every morning.

"Bye, mommy," Ari smiled when her mother kissed her cheek.

"Bye, sweetie. Jack, come kiss me bye."

"Mommy, please don't hurt my baby sister."

"Jack, I won't. I promise. Last night I was having a really bad dream and thought someone was in the house. I'm sorry that I scared you."

"Okay," he finally smiled.

"Be good and have a great day," Kate kissed his cheek before giving him an affectionate squeeze.

"Come on, guys, or we're going to be late," Castle called from the doorway. "Kate, I'll be back in about an hour."

"Okay. Be careful."

After putting Hope back down for the morning, Kate went to the kitchen to make something to eat. She'd just popped two slices of bread into the toaster when she heard footsteps behind her. She turned to find Josh standing there. "No! You're not here!"

"Kate, my offer still stands to make Hope better. You always used to tell me what a brilliant heart surgeon I was. If it hadn't been for me, you wouldn't be alive now. You wouldn't have your beautiful family."

Kate ran past him into Castle's office, locking the door before going over to the gun safe and turning the combination to open it. Tugging on the handle, she was shocked and angry when the safe wouldn't open. Thinking she'd put the combination in wrong, she tried again with the same results. That's when she realized that Castle had changed the combination and hadn't told her. The son of a bitch thought that she'd hurt one of the kids. "Damn it, Castle!"

She ran back into the kitchen where Josh was still casually lounging against one of the counters. "Kate, what're you doing? You can't kill me," he watched her grab a butcher knife from the block on the counter.

"Get out of my house," she waved the knife menacingly in the air, becoming more agitated when Josh started laughing at her. "Get the fuck out of my house _now_!"

Castle unlocked the front door and walked in, hanging his coat in the closet before going to the kitchen to make a cup of coffee. The scene that greeted him shocked him to the core. Kate was sitting on the floor in front of the stove, rocking back and forth. There were huge smears of blood all around her and she was still clutching a bloody butcher knife in her hand. "Kate? Kate, what did you do?"

"I killed him, Castle," she held up her hand. "I couldn't get my gun, so I grabbed a knife. But I cut myself when I killed him."

"Oh, sweet Jesus," Castle grabbed a dish towel and quickly found the source of all of the blood. Kate had cut across her palm and three of her fingers. "Keep pressure on this! Kate, do you hear me? Keep pressure on this. I have to get the baby."

"Why? I didn't hurt her," her eyes were blank.

"Because you need stitches! Can't you fucking see that? Wait right there! _Do not move_!"

Running to the master bedroom, Castle made three calls; one to his mother, one to Kate's father and the third to the one person who might be able to give him back his wife.

 **A/N #4: Dr. Burke will be joining the story in the next chapter.**

 **A/N #5: This story is going to head down a very dark path starting in a couple of chapters. I will also be exploring the issue regarding Jack. I promise that everything is going to fit and it won't be forced by me. It will flow and it will make sense.**

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	7. A Cry for Help

**DISCLAIMERS: No, I don't own 'Castle.'**

 **SUMMARY: Castle and the rest of the family, with the help of Dr. Burke, try to help Kate through a difficult time.**

 **A/N #1: I want to thank all of my reviewers for their thoughts and their suggestions. However, I have to ask that you please not start attacking each other via reviews. I didn't mean to start a war with this neglect of Jack, which is solely my fault and not the fault of the characters in my story.**

 **A HOLE IN THE HEART**

 **CHAPTER 7: A Cry for Help**

"You said that your wife has been depressed. How long has that been going on?" A doctor was standing in front of Castle with a clipboard in his hands.

"For about a week. We got some news last week about our newborn daughter and then we got news about another matter later that same day. I think the combination of both events sent her reeling," Castle answered, his eyes going to the trauma room where Kate was waiting to be stitched up.

"Is this your first child?"

"No, our third. We have another daughter and a son."

"Did Mrs. Castle suffer from post-partum depression after those births?"

"No. But she does have a history of PTSD after being shot several years ago."

"I see."

"Look, I've spoken to her therapist and he should be here shortly to talk to her. He knows her history and she trusts him."

"Okay, Mr. Castle. Let me go and talk to your wife. I'll be back to talk to you shortly."

Castle walked over, sitting down beside Martha and Alexis. When he called his mother, she in turn, called Alexis. At the moment Alexis was rocking Hope, who was sound asleep, oblivious to the chaos swirling around her. Jim Beckett had called Castle to let him know that he was on his way. "Dad, what're they going to do? Are they going to admit her?"

"I don't know, pumpkin. I doubt it."

"Dad, she had her gun last night. She would've shot the baby if Jack hadn't woke her up."

"But she didn't think that she was aiming at Hope! She thought that she was aiming at Josh. That's what happened this morning. She's not a threat to herself or to the kids."

"Dad, Kate's clearly had some kind of psychotic break. That means she _is_ a danger to all of you. I love her, but I worry about you and the kids. What if she gets her gun again when she thinks that Josh is in the house? What if this time no one stops her?"

"She won't get her gun, Alexis. I changed the combination on the gun safe and I promise that I won't give it to her until she proves she's well enough to have it. When I get home today, I'll lock up the knives."

"Maybe I should take the kids home with me and Brian."

"No! I promised her that I wouldn't keep her from the kids!"

"Rick?" Jim Beckett ran over to them. "What happened? How's Katie?"

"She's been having these episodes," Castle ran a hand over his face. He suddenly felt 100 years old. "She keeps seeing Josh in the house. Last night I had to come into the city to get her car. While I was gone, she thought that Josh was trying to hurt Hope, so she got her gun and was about to fire it, but Jack heard her and woke her up."

"Oh my god," Jim sagged into a chair. "What happened today?"

"After I put Kate's gun up last night, I changed the combination for the safe. This morning she thought he was in the house again. When she couldn't get the safe opened, she grabbed a butcher knife. She cut herself pretty badly. I called her therapist and he should be here soon."

"Is it post-partum?"

"I don't think so. I think it's her PTSD. Either way, hopefully Dr. Burke can help."

***CCC***

In the trauma room, a doctor by the name of Willard was examining the cuts on Kate's hand. "I saw your baby out there. How old is she?"

"I'm . . . I'm . . . what day is it?" Kate stared at a spot behind the doctor's head, idly swinging her pajama clad legs back and forth.

"Today is Wednesday."

"She's 10 days old."

"Have you been losing time recently?"

"No. Why do you ask?"

"I just asked you how old your newborn baby is and you had to ask me what day it is. These cuts are pretty deep. I'm going to have to do layered sutures on a couple of them. Can you tell me how you did this?"

"Didn't you ask my husband?"

"Yes, and now I'm asking you."

"I thought that I heard an intruder in the house. I couldn't get into the gun safe, so I grabbed a knife. I don't know how I got cut."

"You don't remember what happened after you took the knife from the block?"

"No. Castle found me when he came home after taking our older two kids to school. That was when I saw all of the blood and noticed that my hand was hurting."

"Have you had hallucinations before?"

"Castle asked me the exact same thing when he was driving me here."

 _During the drive to the hospital, Castle glanced at Kate, who had her hand wrapped in a kitchen towel. "Were you hallucinating when you cut your arm that time?" He asked, referring to a jagged scar on Kate's forearm. "I noticed the bandage, Kate. You can hide stuff from Ryan and Esposito, but you've never been able to hide anything from me. Not even early on."_

" _No, I wasn't hallucinating," she looked at him. "I swear to you, Rick, that's not what happened. I heard sirens from my window and began having flashbacks. I knocked a glass onto the floor and cut my arm when I slid across my floor."_

"How long have you suffered from PTSD?" Dr. Willard asked her.

"Ten years. I haven't had an episode in a long time."

"Your husband has called your therapist. He should be here shortly. Would you be willing to speak to him?"

"You make it sound like I don't have a choice."

"You always have a choice, Mrs. Castle."

"I'll talk to him. Can I talk to my husband first?"

"Of course. I'll go and send him in while I get a suture kit." Dr. Willard left the room and walked over to where the family was sitting, waiting anxiously for news. "Mr. Castle, she wants to talk to you. I have to warn you that her mood is shifting back and forth between belligerent and extremely frightened. Try not to upset her further. I'm going to get a suture kit so that I can stitch her hand up."

Castle took a deep breath before walking over and slowly opening the door of the trauma room. Kate's shirt and pajama pants were covered in blood from her cut hand. She also had streaks of blood on her face. "Castle, I'm sorry. Please don't let them lock me up."

"Nobody's going to lock you up," he quickly walked over and put his arms around her, feeling her grasp his shirt with her good hand. "We just want to get you some help, so that we can figure out what's going on."

"You called Dr. Burke?"

"He's familiar with your history and I know that you trust him."

Dr. Willard re-entered the room with a nurse who was pushing a cart in front of her. "I'm going to suture your hand now, Mrs. Castle. Are you allergic to lidocaine?"

"No. Can Castle stay with me?"

"Sure, if he's comfortable watching a needle go through your hand and fingers over and over."

"How many stitches are we talking about exactly?" Castle asked, sitting beside Kate and taking her uninjured right hand in his, squeezing her fingers.

"I'm not sure. I'd say at least 20 in all, possibly more. Two of her fingers are going to need stitches on the inside as well as the outside. You're probably going to need to see an orthopedic surgeon about your middle and third fingers. Are you ready?"

She took a deep breath, looking at Castle, who gave her a small smile. She then looked at the doctor and nodded. "Castle, if you faint on me, I'll kill you," she warned her husband.

The doctor first injected the entire area with lidocaine, waiting a bit for it to take effect before he began. Unable to watch, Kate buried her face in Castle's shoulder. But Castle watched in morbid fascination as the doctor skillfully sutured the myriad cuts on Kate's left hand. "Ms. Bennett here is going to bandage you up and I'll go to get your aftercare instructions."

Outside the trauma room, Martha, Alexis and Jim were sitting when a tall, good looking African American man approached them. "Excuse me; are you here with Kate Beckett?"

"You must be Dr. Burke," Jim Beckett stood and shook the doctor's hand. "I'm Jim Beckett. I'm Katie's . . . Kate's father. She's being sutured right now. Rick is with her."

Down in the infant carrier at Alexis' feet, Hope began to cry loudly. Alexis opened the diaper bag, but there were no bottles in it, only diapers, wipes and a change of clothing. "Dad didn't bring a bottle for her. She's hungry and needs her mother," Alexis' voice began to rise in panic.

"Alexis, relax," Jim told the young woman. "Let's see if she'll take the pacifier. As soon as the doctor finishes with Kate, we'll see if she can nurse her. If not, one of us can ask if someone can find us a bottle with some formula."

"Do you mind?" Dr. Burke asked, picking up the baby carrier. "Which room?"

"The room directly over there," Martha pointed.

The nurse was still wrapping Kate's hand in several layers of gauze when they heard a light tap on the door. "Excuse me," Dr. Burke stuck his head in the door. "I'm Dr. Burke. I'd like to talk to Mrs. Castle and I have someone here who needs to be fed."

"Can I nurse her first and then talk to you? Because, no offense, but I don't feel comfortable talking to my shrink with my daughter on my boob."

"Okay, but let me leave her," Castle jumped off of the gurney and went over to retrieve the baby carrier.

"There's a chair over here that you can use," the nurse helped Kate from the gurney and over to a chair by the wall. "It's not the most comfortable thing, but I'm sure it's better than that gurney." She then took a peek into the carrier. "She is so cute."

"Thank you," Kate smiled, waiting until the nurse left before looking at Castle for help. "I don't know how I'm going to do this, Castle."

"Okay. One step at a time, okay?" He placed the carrier on the floor and walked over to Kate, unbuttoning four buttons on the pajama shirt that she was wearing. "Is that enough or do you need more?"

"No, I think this is good. You're going to have to help me because I'm not sure I can do this one handed and I don't know how I'm going to do it at all when I switch breasts."

He opened her shirt before going over and getting Hope from the carrier. She spit out her pacifier and began to shriek as Castle carried her over to Kate. "Put your right arm out like you normally do when you feed her. I'm going to put her on your arm, okay?" When Kate nodded, he carefully placed the baby in the crook of her arm. "Do you have her?"

"Yeah, I think so, but don't walk off, okay?"

"I'll stay right here. It might be easier to pump until you have some use of your left hand again."

"Castle, you don't understand," tears filled her eyes. "I love nursing my babies. I'll manage this somehow."

Castle watched his wife with the same feeling that he always had when he looked at her. She was so strong and so extraordinary. She never failed to take his breath away. He then looked down at his daughter and saw that she'd fallen asleep. Knowing that Kate couldn't flick her feet to awaken her, he did it for her. "You always hate it when I do that," she couldn't help but smile at him. "Ari does, too. She asked me why I was child abusing her sister. Speaking of the kids—"

"It's okay," he was quick to assure her. "I spoke to the Gallagher's next door. I already called the school to tell them. If we're not home when Ariel gets out of school, she at least will have someone to play with."

The Gallagher's daughter Evangeline and Ariel had become fast friends in the few weeks the Castle's had lived in their new house, although they went to different schools. Ariel had spent a few happy afternoons at the Gallagher's, who were the parents of six children, all named after actors or characters from the TV show 'Lost.' There was Evangeline, Sawyer, Shannon, Jack, Claire and Charlie. In the case of Jack, when the two Jack's were together, they were referred to as 'Big Jack' and 'Little Jack.' "I guess Denise figures what's two more kids when you already have six," Kate said.

"And they can always have more. There are still a few characters on 'Lost' that they could name their kids after," he said as Kate laughed.

"Okay, help me switch sides, Castle. You're going to have to use your finger to break the suction on my breast." She laughed at the look of horror on his face. "Come on, Castle. It's not like you haven't touched my boobs before. You've seen me do it a hundred times."

Castle took a calming breath before putting his index finger in Hope's mouth to break the suction before carefully lifting her and helping Kate place her left arm so that Hope's body didn't come directly into contact with her injured hand. "I'll keep my hands under your arm, okay?"

"That sounds like a great idea to me. At least she only weighs about six and a half pounds instead of ten or twelve."

"Yeah, your timing didn't exactly suck."

"Castle—"

"Shh. We'll talk about it later. I'm just glad that you're okay."

"I'm so tired," she put her head against the wall with a heavy sigh and briefly closed her eyes. But when she did, she felt Hope start to slip and she jerked awake.

"It's okay, Kate. I've got her. You're not going to drop her."

When Hope had had her fill, Kate took her finger and broke the suction in the baby's mouth. "Why don't you take her and burp her. Then change her and come over here and kiss me. Because I really need to feel that you still love me."

Castle complied with her requests, taking care of the baby before walking over to Kate. Tilting her chin, he bent down and kissed her, the soft kiss going on for several seconds before air became a necessity for both of them. "I will always love you. Nothing's going to change that. Now I'm going to button you back up because I'm sure that you're not going to want to talk to Dr. Burke with your shirt hanging opened."

He buttoned her back up, giving her one longer kiss before picking up the baby carrier and leaving the room, giving her a reassuring smile on his exit. "Alexis, do you still have a car seat in your car?"

"I rode over here with Grams."

"I have the infant car seat in my trunk," Martha told her son.

"We shouldn't be much longer, but Hope's fed now and Kate doesn't like her sleeping in her carrier. Can you take her to our house? Jack will be next door at the Gallagher's, but I'll pick him and Ariel up after she gets home from school. I want to get Kate home and settled."

"Won't Kate get upset that we've taken Hope?" Martha asked.

"Possibly, but I'll deal with that."

"Rick, if you'd like, I can break that to her when I speak to her," Dr. Burke volunteered. "She might take it better if it comes from me."

"Okay. If not, I'll talk to her. I'm used to her getting angry with me," he gave the doctor a rueful smile.

Kate was still sitting in the chair where she'd nursed Hope when Dr. Burke stepped in. "Congratulations on Hope. She's a beautiful baby."

"Thank you. What did Castle tell you?"

"He was very upset. He didn't tell me much except that he was concerned about you. What's going on?"

"My newborn daughter has a heart defect. The day that the doctor told us the news, I got a letter from the parole board telling me that Josh was coming up for parole. After that, I just felt like I was free falling. Nothing makes any sense."

"You've been having hallucinations?" He asked as she nodded. "What do you see?"

"The first one was last night. I saw Josh standing over Hope's bassinet. I got my gun and . . . I would've shot my baby if Jack hadn't heard me," she wiped at her face before continuing. "He woke me up. Then this morning, Josh was in my kitchen. I couldn't get in the gun safe. I think that Castle changed the combination last night."

"That was probably a very smart thing to do, wouldn't you agree?"

"It makes me feel like he doesn't trust me with the kids."

"Well Kate, you did try to shoot your daughter last night. What do you think would've happened this morning with the butcher knife if Castle hadn't come home?"

"I didn't go anywhere near our bedroom! I thought that I'd killed Josh."

"How?"

"I stabbed him with the butcher knife," she answered simply.

"But you were really cutting yourself."

"Apparently so," she looked down at her heavily bandaged hand.

"Did you want all of the pain to go away?"

"I didn't do this intentionally! I told you that I thought that I saw Josh! I don't understand why he's coming up for parole! We were promised after his escape that he'd be in prison until he was old and gray."

"You have the power to stop that from happening, Kate."

"Alexis doesn't want to talk to the parole board."

"How does that make you feel?"

"Angry," she admitted. "I understand that she just wants to put it behind her. But Josh almost killed her! He almost killed my father! He would've killed Ariel if I hadn't shot him in the loft that day! I can't let him get out and come after my family again."

"Kate, even if Alexis doesn't talk you and your father's voices should be enough to convince the board not to release him. Before I leave, I think that you should know that Rick's mother and daughter took Hope home."

"They took my baby? And Castle let them?" She was clearly enraged.

"Kate, relax. They took her to your house. Castle said that you don't like her sleeping in her carrier. He just wanted her to be comfortable in her own bed. Nobody is going to keep you from your baby. Is that what is worrying you right now?"

"Castle was so angry at me this morning. I don't want him to take the kids from me. I would die without my kids. I don't want him to hate me."

"He doesn't hate you. He's worried about you. Would you consider coming back to see me? I'll help you find your way back."

"Could you find a way to help me remember everything that happened during those days that Josh had me? There are still huge holes in my memory. I want to remember."

"Are you sure that's really a good idea, Kate? Some things are best not remembered."

Kate remembered telling Castle that after her shooting. "I don't think I'll ever move on from it until I know exactly what happened. Is there a way for that to happen?"

"Yes. We can try hypnosis, but that doesn't always work. Come and talk to me. Then we'll decide where to go from there. Can you come in tomorrow morning?"

"Yes."

"I'm going to go out and talk to Rick. I'll see you in the morning at nine." Burke stepped out of the room and walked over to Castle. "She's going to come in to see me tomorrow morning at nine. She needs a lot of reassurance right now. She became quite upset when I explained that your mother and daughter took the baby home. She's going to be okay, Rick. But it's not going to be as simple as a few sessions with me. She has a lot of unresolved feelings about her abduction. She wants me to hypnotize her so that she can remember everything. I've tried to talk her out of that, but she feels like she has to know."

"Will she have any more hallucinations?"

"I can't answer that because I don't know. I would recommend for right now that she not be left alone with the kids. Not only for their safety, but for her own. I'm not saying that she's dangerous, but if she has another episode in front of them, it could have long lasting effects on them."

"Right," Castle nodded. Just then he spotted Dr. Willard. "Doc, can I take Kate home?"

"I've got her discharge papers as well as her after care instructions. I have given her a referral to an orthopedic surgeon about her second and third fingers. She needs to call him as soon as possible."

"Okay. I'll see that she does."

"Then let's go and check your wife out," Dr. Willard motioned for Rick to follow him to the trauma room.

"We'll see you in the morning, Dr. Burke."

By the time they got home an hour later, Kate was physically and emotionally drained. "I'm going to lie down for a while before Hope wakes up again. Rick, can you lie with me?"

"Of course. Let me call Denise Gallagher to let her know I'll pick the kids up at around 3:30 or four."

"Okay," Kate walked toward their bedroom, not acknowledging either Martha or Alexis' presence.

"Dad?" Alexis asked after Kate left the room. "Is she upset because we brought Hope home?"

"Yeah, sweetie. Don't worry about it. It's okay." He pulled out his cell phone and called the neighbor. "Denise, it's Rick Castle. I hope Jack isn't causing any trouble. I was wondering if you could also get Ariel from school and let her play with Evangeline. I'll pick them both up later this afternoon. I can reimburse you the gas money."

"Rick, don't worry about it. Jack and Charlie are playing with G.I. Joes. He's fine and I don't mind adding Ariel to the mix. Is everything all right?"

"Yeah. We just had an emergency of sorts. Thank you, Denise." He then walked into the kitchen to get a plastic baggie and a roll of tape before coming back to the living room. "I'm sure Kate's going to want to take a shower."

"Richard, I can go next door and bring Jack home. I can also pick Ariel up at school."

"Mother, right now I have to focus my full attention on Kate. The kids are going to have a lot of questions. I want to think about what I'm going to tell them."

"Okay."

When Castle walked into their bedroom, he saw the bathroom door opened and saw that Kate was trying to unbutton her shirt with her uninjured hand. "Here, let me help," he walked over to her and began to slowly unbutton her shirt. "I brought you a baggie and some tape. I thought that you might want to take a shower."

"Can you shower with me? I can't wash my hair."

"Yeah, I'll shower with you," he kissed her forehead.

After they showered, Castle helped Kate change into clean pajamas before they both settled into bed. He placed a pillow in between them so that Kate had a place to rest her bandaged hand. "Rick, I love you," she whispered into his neck.

"I love you, too."

"I'm so, so sorry," she once again began to cry, her tears wetting his shoulder. "Please don't take my babies away from me."

"Hey," he sat up and gently rolled her so that she was lying on her pillow, her green eyes bleak with misery. "I would _never_ take your babies from you. I've never given up on you and I'm not about to start now. Get some rest, okay?"

"I need to tell the kids about him. I need to tell them why I've been acting like this. Will you help me do that?"

"Tonight, we'll talk to the kids. Right now, you need to sleep."

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	8. Plagued by Monsters

**DISCLAIMERS: I own nothing that anybody would recognize.**

 **SUMMARY: Kate's condition continues to worsen as Castle contemplates how to help her.**

 **A HOLE IN THE HEART**

 **CHAPTER 8: Plagued by Monsters**

 _Kate was running through the woods, branches scratching at her hands and face. She could hear her name being called, which only made her run faster. She had to get away. She couldn't let him catch her again. But then she heard another voice calling her, a voice that filled her with terror. A small voice calling for 'mommy.'_

 _She stopped running and turned around, shocked when she saw Jack standing in the forest clearing. But then she saw Josh approaching her small son from behind and began frantically waving her arms. "Jack, no! Go away! Go and find your daddy! It's not safe!"_

" _Mommy, no," Jack shook his head, running up and throwing his chubby arms around his mother's legs, burying his face into her thigh. "I'll stay with you, mommy."_

"No, Jack!" Kate bolted up in hers' and Castle's bed, her heart hammering in her chest.

"Mommy, are you okay? Daddy said you had an accident," Jack was sitting on Castle's side of the bed, his huge blue eyes filled with concern.

"Hi, baby," Kate smiled, reaching her uninjured hand up to stroke Jack's warm cheek. "I'm okay. I cut my hand. Does daddy know that you're in here?"

"Hope was crying, but I gave her pacifier to her. Did I do all right?"

"You did just fine. Can you go and let daddy know that she's awake?"

"I be back so fast, mommy!" Jack jumped off of the bed and ran from the room, calling out for his father. "Daddy, mommy needs your help! Hope's awake! Hurry, daddy!"

Lying back on the pillows, Kate closed her eyes. But she opened them when she heard Hope crying. The sound quickly became annoying and she just wanted it to stop. _'If you want her to stop crying, Kate, make it stop.'_ She opened her eyes and saw Josh standing by the bassinet. _'All you have to do is put your hand over her nose and mouth. It won't take more than a minute. She can be gone by the time Castle gets in here. Just think, Kate. No more crying baby; no more baby with a heart condition. All of your problems will be over.'_

"No. I can't. That would be murder."

' _It would be a merciful death, Kate. Can't you see that she's in pain? Do you want your baby to be in pain, Kate?'_

"No, Josh," she got out of bed and walked over to the bassinet. "Dr. Sayid said she's not in any pain."

" _Doctors bullshit their patients all of the time."_

Kate stood over her tiny newborn daughters' bed, staring down at her impassively as she screamed loudly. "Maybe you're right," she kept staring down at Hope. She then stared down at her hand before reaching down into the bassinet.

"Hey, what are you doing?" She turned to find Castle standing right behind her. "I'll get her. You can't get her out one handed. You'll hurt her. Why don't you go and get settled while I change her? I'll bring her right over to you."

"I don't want her."

"Excuse me?" He stared at her as if she'd just grown a second head.

"Maybe it would be better if you just gave her a bottle. I don't feel comfortable nursing her with only one hand."

"Kate, maybe we could rig something up," he suggested. "That way you wouldn't have to depend on me or my mother to help you."

"No," she closed her eyes and attempted to block out Hope's squalls. "Castle, please change her and go give her a bottle. I'm tired, my hand hurts and I have a headache. Please just take her out of here."

"I was going to go and make dinner after she eats. Did you want to eat?"

"I'm not really hungry."

"How about some tea?" He suggested as she nodded.

"Come get me when dinner's ready so I can come to the table and be with the kids."

"Okay."

Castle's brow was creased in concern when he walked into the kitchen with Hope in the crook of his arm. He quickly prepared a bottle and warmed it in the microwave. After testing to make sure the temperature was okay, he stuck the rubber nipple in Hope's mouth as her cries abruptly ceased.

"Is Katherine still asleep?" He turned to find his mother standing right behind him.

"No, she just didn't feel like feeding her. She asked me to give her a bottle."

"Richard, is something wrong?"

"I'm not sure, Mother. I walked into the bedroom just now and Kate was standing over Hope's bed and it looked like—"

"It looked like what, Richard?"

"I'm sure it was nothing. Can you take her and finish giving her this while I fix dinner for the kids?"

"Of course," Martha reached out and carefully took Hope from her father's arms, quickly putting the bottle back into her mouth. "Come on, darling. Spend some quality time with Grams."

As Castle opened the refrigerator and pulled out ingredients for dinner, his mind went back to what he thought he'd witnessed just moments before. He would've sworn on a Bible that Kate's hand was reaching down toward Hope's face. But, he was imagining things, wasn't he? Kate didn't even spank Ariel and Jack. It was unfathomable that she'd hurt any of the kids.

Kate was asleep when she again heard Josh's voice. _'Why didn't you do it, Kate? You were so close. It would've all been over in less than two minutes.'_

' _I love my baby, Josh. I can't hurt her.'_

' _But you've already tried. What about this morning with the knife? If Castle hadn't come home when he did, you would've butchered her.'  
_

' _No! I was attacking you, Josh!'_

' _No, Kate. I stopped you from coming into this bedroom and murdering Hope.'_

"No! I was attacking you!"

"Beckett?" She opened her eyes and saw Castle sitting beside her on the bed. "Are you okay? What were you dreaming about?"

"I . . . I don't know. Is dinner ready?"

"Just about. Do you still want to come to the table to be with me, mother, and the kids?" He asked as she sat up and nodded.

"I need to wash my face. I'll be right there," Kate got out of bed and went into the bathroom.

When she came to the dinner table, Ari's eyes grew wide at the sight of her mother's hand covered in several layers of white gauze. "Daddy said that you cut your hand. I thought it would be a little cut. Does it hurt?"

"Yes, it hurts, but I'm fine. I just had to get some stitches," she walked over to where the kids were sitting, kissing first Ari, and then Jack, on top of their heads. "I missed you two today. How was school?"

"Great! Jimmy Peterson threw up in the cafeteria," Ari grinned at her mother, who simply made a face and rolled her eyes.

"Ariel, we don't talk about stuff like that at the dinner table," Castle fixed Ariel with a look.

"Jack, what did you do at school today?" Kate sat down and looked at her son.

"I got a letter saying that I can go to the library if you or daddy signs it. Please, can I go to the library?"

"Jack's class is planning a trip to the New York Public Library," Castle filled in the blanks as Kate nodded in understanding. "We're to send him with a bagged lunch and a dollar."

"What's the dollar for?"

"It's a nation," Jack began eating his dinner.

"You mean a 'donation,'" Kate corrected him.

"Mommy, that's what I said."

"When are they going?" Kate asked Castle.

"Monday."

"Daddy will sign your permission slip," Kate told her son, who beamed happily. "I see that daddy made tacos. Did you two help?"

"I tore up the lettuce and Sissy grated the cheese."

"They're not spicy, so Hope should be fine," Castle promised Kate. "I know that you said you weren't hungry, but it _is_ tacos."

"Tacos are fine. Speaking of Hope, maybe we should switch her to a bottle. I'm so tired, Castle. I really need to sleep."

"Are you sure?" Castle looked at his mother, who like him, was genuinely puzzled. They both knew how much Kate had loved breastfeeding Ariel and Jack. He was perplexed by his wife's sudden change in behavior.

"Yeah, I'm sure. I don't want to nurse her anymore."

"Katherine, are you all right?"

"I'm fine!" She shouted, causing both children to jump in fright. "You both are acting like I'm the worlds worst mother because I don't want her on my damn boobs all of the time!"

"Kate, nobody is accusing you of anything," Castle lowered the tone of his voice in order to calm Kate's agitation. "Why don't we talk about this in a little while when we're _alone_ ," his eyes motioned to the kids.

"Fine. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to ruin dinner," she got up and quickly left the table.

He knew that Kate was in pain, but she'd be the last person to admit it. Without saying anything, he went into the kitchen and returned moments later with two Advil and a cold bottle of water. He went to the bedroom where he saw that the bathroom door was closed. He walked over and softly tapped on it, hearing a muffled 'come in.' He opened the door and found Kate standing in front of the bathroom sink. "You looked like you could use these," he handed the water and tablets out to her.

"Thank you," she quickly swallowed the pills. "Please don't be angry with me, Rick. I'm not sure that I can handle more criticism right now."

"I'm not going to criticize you. Wait! What do you mean 'more criticism?' I've never criticized your mothering abilities. If you don't want to nurse Hope, that's fine. Giving her a bottle doesn't mean that you love her less."

"Thanks, Castle," she walked past him back into their bedroom and got under the covers.

"I'm going to let you get some rest," he bent down and kissed the top of her head.

When he returned to the living room, Martha was slowly rocking Hope in an old fashioned cradle they had found in an antiques store shortly before Hope's birth. Ariel and Jack were sitting on the sofa, each engrossed in their respective tablets. "Hey, you two," he got their attention, "it's supposed to be cold and snowy this weekend, but Hope is almost out of diapers and we need a few things for the house. Would you two like to go to Sam's with me?"

"Can we have samples?" Ariel asked.

"I think the sample people have already gone home for the night, sweetie. Mother, do you think that you can hold down the fort for a couple of hours? Kate is sleeping and Hope shouldn't need to be fed until after I get back."

"I'm sure that I can manage. If Katherine wakes up while you're gone, I'll tell her that you'll be back shortly."

"Thanks. Ariel, why don't you go and help your brother get his coat and hat on?" Castle suggested as the two children left the room to get their things from the coat closet. "Mother, listen to me. If anything seems strange with Kate and I mean _anything_ , call her doctor."

"Richard, what do you think is going on?"

"When I went in to get Hope earlier, Kate was standing over the bassinet. She had her hand down over Hope. Mother, it looked like she was attempting to smother her."

"Richard Castle; that is the most asinine thing I've ever heard in my life!" Martha hissed at her son, not wanting the kids to hear her if they came back into the room. "Katherine would no sooner harm any of her children than take a trip to the moon."

"Then, how do you explain what happened this morning with the knife? Please be careful while I'm gone."

***CCC***

Castle was wandering through Sam's Club with a flatbed cart. Jack sat in the front basket of the cart while Ariel rode on the merchandise on the back of the cart. Jack watched his father grab two huge boxes of diapers and place them on the cart. "Daddy, that's a _lot_ of diapers. They'll last Hope forever."

"No, they won't," Ariel argued, glancing up from her tablet. "Hope poops a lot. So did you."

"So did you, Miss Thang," Castle reminded his daughter, who made a face. "Yes Jack, it's true that this is a lot of diapers, but your baby sister goes through a lot of diapers. Let's get some water and then we'll head home."

"I think we should get mommy something special," Jack piped up.

"I agree!" Ariel chimed in. "We should get her some gummy bears!"

"Why? So you can eat them all?" Jack glared at his sister. "I think we should get mommy something pretty."

"Jack, I would love to get mommy something pretty, but how about some flowers for today? I think flowers would make mommy feel a lot better."

"Okay, but can me and Sissy decide which ones?"

"You can do that. Let's get the water first."

***CCC*** 

When Kate again woke up, the room was dark except for a patch of light coming from the partially closed bathroom door. She thought about what Josh had said earlier about Hope. Maybe he was right. Her mind went back in time to the time when she and Castle had worked the dirty bomb case. She remembered Nazihah Alhabi's infant daughter, who also had been sick with some kind of expensive medical condition. Kate no longer remembered what it was. She remembered being in the interrogation room with Agent Fallon, when he had referred to the baby as a money pit.

Was Hope also a money pit? What if she was more ill than Dr. Sayid had told them? What if she had to have operation after operation, only to still die in the end? How could she put Castle and the kids through something like that? It wasn't fair to allow them to love somebody, only to have her snatched away by a painful death in the end. Josh was right. It was far more merciful to end Hope's suffering now.

Martha was reading in her room when she heard Hope's cries. Knowing that Katherine couldn't pick up the baby, she put down her Kindle and hurried down the stairs. When she walked into the master bedroom, she was startled by what she saw.

Kate was standing over the bassinet with Hope's blanket clutched in her good hand. The intense look on her face was what terrified Martha. Kate looked to be a woman on a mission. A mission that was going to end badly. "Katherine?" Martha called out to her. "Katherine?" Kate finally turned around. "What are you doing?"

"Where is Castle?" She asked, ignoring Martha's question.

"He took the children into the city to pick up some groceries," she answered, walking over and scooping up the screeching baby. "Shhh, my darling," she crooned, all the while staring at Kate. "What were you doing with her blanket, Katherine?"

"She's a money pit. Just like the Alhabi's baby. She's going to drain us until there's nothing left."

"Katherine, maybe we should talk about calling your doctor," Martha kept her voice calm, not sure what was going on, but not wanting to upset Kate further.

"Why? I'm not crazy. I'm just stating a fact. We can always have another baby. We can make sure that we have a healthy baby next time. Castle must hate the fact that I gave him a child who's not perfect."

"Katherine, Richard could never hate you. Why don't we go into the kitchen and I'll make us both some tea while I give Hope her bottle. Then afterwards, I'll take her up to my room so that you can get some rest."

"I know what you're trying to do. You're trying to keep Hope away from me so that I don't harm her. I'm only doing what Josh suggested. He's a heart doctor, so he would know how things are."

"Katherine, I'm going to change Hope and then I'll make us some tea. Why don't you go into the kitchen and start the tea kettle? I won't be long."

Kate stared at Martha impassively for several minutes before finally leaving the room. Martha quickly changed Hope and then searched until she found Kate's cell phone. She knew that Kate's password was hers' and Castle's wedding anniversary, so Martha quickly unlocked the phone and searched in the contacts list until she found the number of Dr. Carter Burke and hit 'call.' After reaching his answering service, Martha took a deep breath. "This is Martha Rodgers. I'm Kate Beckett's mother-in-law. I think that Katherine is having some sort of a mental breakdown. Please have him call me at 516-555-0227. This is an emergency. Thank you."

***CCC***

After putting both kids in their booster seats, Castle was loading up the car when his cell phone rang. He looked at the caller id and saw that it was Kate's phone. "Hey, miss me already?" He answered, thinking that it was Kate.

"Richard, it's me," Martha's voice came over the line instead. In the background he could hear the sound of the baby loudly shrieking. The sound filled him with instant terror.

"Mother, what's wrong? Why is Hope crying like that? Is Kate all right?"

"Richard, something is horribly wrong with Katherine."

"What're you talking about? Why is Hope screaming like that?"

"Hope is fine, Richard. I just changed her. She just wants to be picked up and fed. I left a message with Dr. Burke's service. Please tell me that you're on your way home. I'm not sure how long I can keep her calm."

"Would you please tell me what is going on? Why did you call Dr. Burke?" He looked in the back of the car at the kids, who were playing with their tablets.

"I heard the baby," Martha's voice was shaking. "When I went to get her, Katherine was standing over the bassinet with Hope's blanket in her hand. When I asked her what she was going to do, she started talking about how Hope is a money pit, just like the Alhabi's baby. Richard, I don't even know who that is. She then said that the two of you could always have another baby. That you must hate her for not giving you a perfect child. Hold on, Richard," he could hear Kate's voice in the background.

"Mother? Is everything all right?"

"Rick?" He heard Kate's voice.

"Kate, what's going on?"

"Where are you? When are you bringing my babies back home? They need to get ready for bed."

"I'll be home in a little while. Are you all right?"

"I wish everybody would stop asking me that." With that, the phone disconnected.

When Castle got off of the phone, he once again looked at his kids sitting in the backseat, each one oblivious to their mothers' inner torment. He took several deep breaths before getting behind the wheel of his car and starting the engine. "Ariel, Jack," he called out to the kids as they stopped playing and looked at him. "When we get home, I want you to get into your pajamas, brush your teeth and get into your beds. I'll be up to tuck you in as soon as I can, but I have to help Grams with mommy first. Do you think you can do that for me?"

"Is mommy all right?" Jack asked.

"She's fine, Jack. She's just still very upset. I promise that I won't be long."

Castle pulled out of the parking lot and got on the highway heading for home, driving as fast as he could without getting pulled over by the police. He hoped that he wasn't going to have to have Kate hospitalized.

***CCC***

Kate was sitting in the rocker in the master bedroom, tearstains streaking her cheeks. She watched her mother-in-law walk around the room, gently bouncing Hope, who was fighting sleep. "Would you like to hold her?" Martha offered the baby out to Kate, who immediately shook her head.

"I'm not crazy."

"Darling, no one has said that you are," Martha placed Hope in her bassinet and covered her before walking over and sitting on the edge of the bed.

"I know that you, Rick, and Alexis are afraid that I'm going to hurt them. That's why you won't leave me alone with all three of them," Kate's eyes were wide and wild looking. "I'd never hurt them, Martha. I'd sooner hurt myself than hurt one of them. They're my babies. I love them."

"Is that what happened this morning?" Martha asked, looking at Kate's bandaged hand. "Did you see Josh? Did he tell you to hurt Hope?"

"I saw him, but he never said anything about hurting the kids. I had to get him out of my house. I had to get him away from my baby. I didn't know that I was hurting myself. I thought that I was hurting him. I thought that I'd killed him. He did awful, _unspeakable_ things to me. He said awful things about Rick. He kept telling me that Rick didn't love me. That Rick wouldn't come to find me."

"Katherine, Richard would _never_ have stopped looking for you. Those five days destroyed him. They destroyed all of us. Alexis had nightmares; Richard didn't sleep. He and your friends were hell bent on finding you. We all wanted you back home so badly."

"I want to forget the things that he did to me, but I still have nightmares about them. How do you forget the bad things in your life?"

"You don't; but eventually you learn to put them somewhere where they don't affect you in the same way. Katherine, how long has it been since you slept?"

"I don't have time to sleep."

"You can express enough milk so that Richard or I can take over for a few hours; just so you can get some decent sleep."

"I can't," she once again shook her head. "It would be so much easier if she wasn't here."

"Katherine, did I ever tell you about my first few months with Richard?" Martha was desperate to get Kate's focus away from possibly harming Hope. "I was alone and he never stopped crying. He would cry and I would cry which would just make him cry harder. I was totally exhausted. It went on for three months."

"What did you do?"

"One day it stopped. One day I got him up and he started smiling. It was so much easier after that."

"But he wasn't sick, Martha. What if she dies? What if she dies some horrible, painful death?"

"Katherine, do you really think that you could hurt her?"

"I have to. Josh is right. It's the humane thing to do."

"Katherine, why are you taking advice from a man who treated you so horribly? Don't you remember what he did to you? He kept you chained up and drugged. He assaulted you repeatedly. Don't you remember any of that?"

They both heard the sound of the door leading into the house from the garage, followed by the beeping as Castle rearmed the burglar alarm. "Kate? Mother?" He called out.

"We're back here," Martha called out.

"Hey," Castle walked into the bedroom and over to the rocker where Kate was still sitting. "Are you okay?"

"I'm so sorry, Rick. You deserve a perfect baby. I'm so sorry that I failed to give you a perfect baby," tears began to run down her face.

"Mother, could you help Ariel and Jack get ready for bed?" Castle looked at his mother. "Close the door behind you, please." He waited until his mother left the room before turning his attention back to Kate. "Kate, you didn't fail. Hope is beautiful. Sure, she's a little broken right now, but we're going to fix her."

"What if they can't fix her, Castle? Wouldn't it be better to end her suffering now?"

"No, Kate. No," he took her hand in his. "Kate, what happened this morning? Why did you go and get the knife?"

"Josh was in the kitchen."

"Okay," he stroked her fingers, startling when the phone in the bedroom began to ring. "Let me see who that is." He got up and picked up the phone, recognizing Dr. Burke's number. "Hello?"

"Mr. Castle, my service received a call from your mother-in-law regarding Kate. Is everything all right?"

"No. Everything's _far_ from all right."

"Okay, take a deep breath and tell me what's going on."

"Hold on," Castle put his hand over his phone and looked at Kate, who was staring at him with eyes that were burning with anger. "It's Dr. Burke. Mother called him. Do you want to talk to him?"

Kate got up and took Castle's phone from his hand. "Hello?"

"Kate, what's going on? Your mother-in-law called my service earlier and said that she needed for me to call urgently. Are you all right?"

"They think I'm trying to hurt Hope."

"Are you?"

' _Tell him what he wants to hear, Kate. Otherwise they're going to lock you up and you'll never see your kids again,' she heard Josh's voice in her ear._

"I'm nervous about holding her with my injured hand. I'm scared that I'm going to drop her. I would never hurt my children."

"Kate, are you still coming to see me in the morning?"

"I told you this morning that I'd come back to see you. Is there anything else? Because I'm really tired and I still need to put my other two kids to bed."

"No, there's nothing else. Let me talk to Rick."

"He's going to tell you to have me committed if I look at my children wrong," Kate thrust the phone back at Castle. "Knock yourself out trying to convince him that I'm nuts."

"Kate!" He called after her when she stormed from the room.

"Rick?" The doctor waited until Castle came back on the line. "Keep an eye on her. If you think that she might try to harm Hope, it might be safer to put her in with your mother-in-law. We'll talk in the morning. If anything else happens tonight, you might have to make a hard decision."

Castle ended the call and went to find Kate, catching up with her in the middle of the staircase. She turned toward him and shoved at him, almost knocking him off of his feet. "I'm not crazy, Rick!"

"No, you're just listening to advice from a man who tried to kill you!" He shouted back at her.

"Katherine! Richard!" They both looked up and were horrified to find Martha standing at the top of the stairs with Ariel and Jack, who were staring at their parents with wide, scared eyes.

"Ari? Jack?" Kate started up the stairs, but Rick stopped her with a firm grip on her arm.

"No! You stay away from them! Mother, take Kate downstairs and keep her there."

 **A/N #1: Things aren't going to get any better anytime soon.**

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	9. A Troubled Mind

**DISCLAIMERS: Nope, I still don't own 'Castle.'**

 **SUMMARY: Everybody begins to get a glimpse inside of Kate's tormented mind.**

 **A/N #1: One of my muses had a daughter who was born with a congenital heart defect and passed away at the age of 13. She said that were times that she, like Kate in the previous chapter, resented her small daughter. For the next few chapters, I'll be exploring some of what Kate is feeling.**

 **A/N #2: In researching postpartum psychosis, I learned that it appears suddenly, but does tend to respond well to treatment, sometimes with hospitalization and sometimes without, depending on the severity.**

 **A/N #3: This chapter starts where the previous chapter left off.**

 **A HOLE IN THE HEART**

 **CHAPTER 9: A Troubled Mind**

"What's wrong with mommy? Why is she so mad at you?" Ariel asked after watching her grandmother lead her mother downstairs.

"It's okay, guys," Castle walked over and picked both of them up in his arms. "Let's go and talk in Gram's room so we can hear Hope if she cries."

"Why is Hope sleeping with Grams?" Jack asked after he was placed on the bed next to his sister. "Can Sissy and I sleep in here, too?"

"As much as I'm sure your Grams would love a giant sleepover, I think that you two should sleep in your own beds," Castle sat down on the bed between the two kids and gathered them close to his side. "Mommy's upset because I want her to go to the doctor and she doesn't want to go."

"Why do you want mommy to go to the doctor? Is she sick?" Ariel asked.

"Sort of. It's hard to explain. All that you two need to think about right now is that we still love all three of you and that we always will. Mommies and daddies fight sometimes and that's okay. Just like you and Jack fight sometimes, but you still love each other."

"Is mommy sick because of that letter that she got?" Ariel wanted to know.

"How did you know about that?"

"I heard mommy talking to Pop-Pop on the phone."

"I don't want you two worrying about that letter. I promise that I'll tell you all about it, but not tonight. Tonight, I want the two of you to go to bed and go to sleep. Everything's okay."

"You promise?" Ariel asked.

"I promise," he kissed the top of her head.

"You pinky swear, daddy?" Jack added.

"Yeah, buddy. I pinky swear. Come on, let's go to bed."

Downstairs in the kitchen, Kate was frantically pacing back and forth, her actions definitely on the manic side. Outside, Royal was barking and scratching on the door to be let in after Martha had let him out to do his business. She walked over and let the dog back in, surprised when he immediately ran over to Kate and began nudging her. "I'm okay, Royal," Kate began scratching his head. "You can relax."

Martha noticed that the dog's actions seemed to have an effect on Kate. She sat down and seemed to get much calmer. The older woman looked up when she heard her son's footsteps on the tile floor. "The kids are in bed," he looked at his mother. "I took the baby monitor, so I'll hear Hope when she wakes up."

"Richard, I'll be more than happy—" 

"I said I've got her. Goodnight," he said, dismissing his mother before turning his attention to Kate. He waited until his mothers' footsteps faded before pulling out a kitchen chair. "Would you like to tell me what happened tonight before I came home? Why did my mother call Dr. Burke's answering service?"

"I don't know. Hope woke up and I had her blanket."

"What were you going to do with her blanket, Kate? What was Josh telling you to do to our daughter?"

"No," she shook her head and reached for his hand. "No, Rick. You've got it all wrong. I wasn't going to hurt her."

"But you've heard him?"

"Yes. Do you remember the Alhabi's baby? During the dirty bomb case?"

"I remember the baby, Kate. What about her?"

"When I was in the interrogation room with Nazihah, the baby, and Agent Fallon, he called her a money pit."

"Kate, you know that we have excellent insurance on all three of the kids. Money isn't a problem. We can afford the best doctors in the country, if it comes to that. Hope's condition could even possibly resolve itself."

"But what if it doesn't?" Her eyes were wide and wild as she tried to make her point. "What if she has to have surgery after surgery only to die anyway? Castle, we can get pregnant again. I see the doctor next week to be cleared for sex, but I really don't have to wait. We can go to bed right now and make love."

"I love you; I really do," his voice was choked up. "But I can't deal with you when you're like this. Do you honestly think that we can just replace one child with another? You fought to get pregnant with Hope. Do you remember the ovarian cyst? Do you remember how scared you were that it would affect your fertility?"

"She's going to destroy us, Castle. I don't want the kids to get attached to her."

"You don't want—Do you even hear what you're saying? You're treating Hope like she's a puppy or a goldfish! She's their sister, Kate! Like it or not, they're already 'attached' to her! You're attached to her, too, whether you want to admit it or not. You gave birth to her in the middle of our bathroom floor, Kate! It was just you, me and Hope. I caught our newborn daughter in my hands. In my writer's hands. It was the most beautiful moment of my life, other than the day you became my wife."

"I don't want you to be angry with me," she moved forward in her chair so that she could cup his face in her hands, brushing her lips over his. "I love you so damn much. I hate it when you're mad at me."

"I want to help you, Kate," he wrapped his arms around her and buried his face in her hair. "I want to help you, but I don't know how. I don't understand what's going on in your head right now."

"Neither do I, Castle. Just promise that you won't send me away."

"Nobody's going anywhere tonight," he continued holding her. "Let's go to bed and we'll figure things out in the morning."

***CCC***

Kate was lying in Castle's arms, her head resting on his chest. Her mind was swirling and refused to rest. She needed to find something to do to burn off the excess energy that was burning through her body. Ordinarily, sex would do the trick, but she didn't want to wake Castle up when he was sleeping so soundly.

She got out of bed and made her way to the kitchen, alerting Royal, who was sleeping on his dog bed in the living room. He got to his feet and followed his mistress, who pulled out the stepladder and put it in front of the pantry doorway. She then got her iPhone and scrolled through her music, stopping when she found a playlist that she was happy with. She put the phone in the docking station and turned it on. She then looked at Royal, who was staring at her with his head cocked to one side. "I'm fine, Royal," she assured him with a huge smile.

It was the sound of Frankie Valli and the Four Seasons that rousted Castle out of a sound sleep. He then noticed that Kate's side of the bed was empty. Not only empty, but cold, signifying that she'd been up for some time. He got up and pulled on his bathrobe before following the sound of the music. When he got to the kitchen, he was stunned to find Kate standing on the small stepladder, pulling things from the pantry shelves with her uninjured hand. "Kate? What do you think you're doing?"

"I've wanted to organize these pantry shelves for weeks. At first I couldn't do it because I was pregnant. I couldn't sleep, so I decided to do it now."

Castle walked over to the docking station and turned off the music, causing Kate to stare at him. "Kate, it's almost four o'clock in the morning. If you'd like, I'll gladly help you reorganize the pantry after I take the kids to school in the morning."

"I don't need your help. I'm sorry about the music. I didn't realize that it was so loud."

"Are you going to come back to bed when you're done?"

"Probably. Don't worry about me, Castle. I'm fine. I did this on my own."

"Okay. Just please come back to bed when you're finished," he said before turning and going back to their bedroom. Once there, he picked up his phone and opened it, sending a quick text to Lanie. **'Will you please call Kate in the morning? Suggest lunch. Something's going on and I want to know that I'm not crazy. I think that Kate needs serious help.'**

The buzzing of his phone seconds later startled him. He was surprised to see that Lanie was calling him back. "Castle, what's wrong?" Lanie's voice came right to the point when he answered the phone.

"A lot. I can't go into all of it over the phone. I didn't mean to wake you up." In the background, he could hear Espo's voice. "I hope that I didn't interrupt anything."

"Don't worry, you didn't. Is Beckett still freaking about Hope?"

"Yeah, but I think it's gone way beyond that. Maybe she'll talk to you. If nothing else, you can see for yourself what I'm talking about. I have to go before she comes back to bed."

"Is she feeding the baby?"

"No, she's reorganizing the pantry. Please call her tomorrow, Lanie."

"Okay, sweetie. I will. Relax and try to get some sleep."

Castle put his phone on the nightstand and got back under the covers. His thoughts went back in time to when Alexis had been a baby. Meredith hadn't wanted anything to do with her daughter, but it was different than what was going on with Kate. He could feel in his bones that this was very different. Meredith was self-centered and only cared about herself. Kate loved being a mom. She didn't have a self-centered bone in her body.

He sighed when he heard Hope's cries over the baby monitor. He once again got out of bed and went into the kitchen to make a bottle. Kate was still busy in the pantry when he popped a bottle in the microwave. He stood against the counter, silently watching her. When the microwave beeped, he took the bottle and tested it against his arm before leaving and walking upstairs to the guest room, where Hope was crying and waving her arms in the air. "Hey, princess," Castle whispered, lifting the baby into his arms. "Let's go eat, okay?"

He walked back to their bedroom and made himself comfortable in Kate's rocking chair, listening to it squeak in protest when he sat back in it. He got Hope settled in the crook of his arm and placed the nipple in her mouth, smiling when she began to suck hungrily. She was almost finished when Kate came into the room. "She's almost finished, but do you want to give her the rest of her bottle?" Castle offered the baby out to Kate, who physically backed away from him.

"No," she bumped into the dresser. "She's comfortable and happy. I'll just make her jumpy and cranky."

"Kate—"

"It's okay, Castle. If I was Hope, I wouldn't like me very much right now either."

Castle removed the bottle from Hope's mouth and put her on his shoulder, rubbing her back while pressing his lips to her downy hair. After several minutes, he felt Hope's body sag when she fell asleep on his shoulder. He got up and quietly walked from the room and up the stairs to the guest room where he placed Hope back in her bassinet and covered her before returning back downstairs to his and Kate's room. The second that he got into bed, Kate moved to her usual place on his chest. He knew that the second he went to sleep, the alarm was going to go off, signaling that it was time to get the kids up for school.

***CCC***

When Kate opened her eyes, Castle's side of the bed was empty, but she could vaguely hear the sounds of the kids getting ready for the school day. She rolled over and picked up her phone to check the time, but she saw that she had a text message from Lanie. Kate rolled onto her back and hit Lanie's number. "Hey, you texted me. What's up?" Kate's voice was rough from lack of sleep.

"I was just wondering if you wanted to get together and have lunch today. You have to be going stir crazy sitting at home."

"Lunch actually sounds nice. I'll have to see if my keeper will let me out of the house."

"What is that supposed to mean?"

"Nothing. I didn't mean anything. Uh, what time did you want to meet and where?"

"How about Remy's at twelve?" Lanie suggested.

"Okay. I'll see you at noon."

Now that she'd made the decision to no longer nurse, Kate decided that she needed a cup of coffee. She walked into the kitchen and grabbed her mug from the cabinet. "Good morning, Katherine," she turned to find Martha standing behind her with the baby. "Richard is upstairs with the children. Do you want to take over?"

"No," Kate continued staring at her mother-in-law and baby daughter like they were strangers. "She seems fine."

"Mommy, you're up!" Jack ran over and threw his arms around Kate's legs. "Can you take us to school today?"

"Daddy's going to take you."

"But I want you to," Jack began to whine.

"Jack, please don't whine," Kate tiredly ran a hand through her hair.

"You never take us to school, anymore," the small boy began to kick at the ground, his lower lip thrust out.

"Hey, good morning," Castle walked into the room, smiling cheerfully until he saw the look on Kate's face and his small son on the verge of a fit. "What's going on?"

"Mommy won't take us to school and I want her to take us to school. She never takes us anywhere, anymore!" Jack's whining escalated into full-blown wailing.

"Castle, will you please do something about him? I can't deal with this right now!" Kate fled from the room as if it was on fire.

"Mother, will you go upstairs and see if Ariel's almost ready for school?" Castle looked at his mother before kneeling down in front of Jack, who was crying like his heart was about to break. "Jack? Hey, buddy. Come here," Castle lifted him into his arms and walked from the kitchen to the dining room, where he sat in one of the dining chairs and perched Jack on his knee. "Take some deep breaths and calm down. Mommy's having a really rough time right now. When she's feeling better, she'll drive you and Sissy to school once again."

"I miss my mommy," Jack threw his arms around his father's neck and cried on his shoulder.

"I know, buddy. I miss your mommy, too," Castle's eyes filled with tears while he tried to comfort the little boy.

"Why is everybody crying?" Ariel asked, her blue-green eyes fixed on her father and brother.

"Not everybody's crying, sweetie," Castle smiled at Ariel.

"Yes, everybody is. Grams' crying in the guest room and I heard mommy crying when I was going to go in to say bye to her. And now you and Jack are crying. Why is everybody crying?" She repeated.

"We're all just worried about your mommy and Hope. Let me get Jack calmed down and then we'll head off to school."

"That doesn't make any sense."

"What doesn't?"

"If everybody is worried about mommy and Hope, then that would explain you, Jack, and Grams all crying. But why is mommy crying? You should go and take care of mommy. I'll make Jack laugh. I'm good at that."

"Yes, you are," Castle stroked his daughter's cheek. "Jack, let me go and tell mommy that we're leaving. I'll be back in five minutes."

Kate was sitting in the rocker with her cheek pressed against the cold window glass when she heard Castle's footsteps behind her. "I'm sorry, Castle."

"I'm not the one that you should be apologizing to, but I think that you already know that. Jack's three years old, Kate. He doesn't understand why you're acting like you are. All he knows is that he misses his mother. Anyway, we'll discuss this more when I get home."

"Lanie wants me to meet her for lunch. That's okay, isn't it?"

"Yeah, Kate. It's all right. Maybe you just need someone to talk to. But, will you call the car service instead of driving yourself?"

"That's probably for the best. Can you send Ari and Jack in here before you take them to school?"

"I'll send them right in."

A few minutes later, Ari walked into the bedroom, leading Jack by the hand. "You two look so shiny bright and ready for school," Kate forced a smile. "Have a good day, okay?"

"We will," Ari said.

"Jack, come here," Kate reached out her hand to her son, who finally stepped forward. "I promise that as soon as I start feeling better, I'll take you and Sissy to school again."

"Can we go to the park, too?"

"When the weather gets nice. I love you and Ariel so much."

"I love you too, mommy."

"I want the two of you to always remember that I love you very much," she pulled the two of them to her and held them tightly.

"Mommy, we're going to be late for school," Ari squirmed to get away.

After hearing the door close, Kate walked over to her purse and checked her wallet. She had money and her credit cards. She had to get away before Castle locked her up and took the kids away from her.

***CCC***

"Girl, there's this wonderful invention called sleep. You should try it sometime," Lanie commented after embracing Kate.

"That's what everybody tells me," Kate slipped out of her coat and sat across from her best friend. "Did Rick tell you to invite me to lunch?"

"I've been worried about you since the night that we all had dinner," Lanie said, stopping when Kate fixed her with a look. "He texted me early this morning. He's worried about you, but he didn't say why."

"They're all out to get me," Kate stopped speaking when the waiter stepped up and took their orders.

"Who's out to get you?"

"Castle, Martha; hell, he probably has my dad convinced that I'm crazy, too. So I don't want to take care of my baby. Does that make me crazy?"

"Kate, back up and tell me what's going on. Why in the world would you not want to take care of Hope?"

"She's so little and so helpless. She's going to cost Castle a fortune."

"Kate, all kids cost their parents a fortune. Have you read the latest numbers on how much it takes to raise a kid from birth to age 18? Hope's condition isn't the worst heart defect that there is. I did some research after you told all of us that night. There are many defects that are so much worse. Hope's going to be fine, Kate."

"They think that I'm trying to kill her, Lanie."

"What're you talking about?"

"Rick and Martha both think that I'm trying to kill Hope. They are conspiring to take my kids away from me and lock me up."

Listening to her best friend, Lanie knew that something was horribly wrong. Kate was sounding paranoid and clearly delusional. She knew from her medical training that Kate was showing symptoms of some sort of a postpartum breakdown. "Kate, Castle loves you. Martha loves you. They would never take your babies away from you. Have you talked to Dr. Burke?"

"Why does everybody think that I need to see my shrink? There's nothing wrong with _me_!" Several heads turned toward their table at the sound of Kate's raised voice. "Castle wants to raise our kids alone, just like he did with Alexis. He thinks that I'm crazy. Meredith is crazy, Lanie. I'm _not_ crazy."

"I know, sweetie. Why don't we get out of here? I can call Castle, and the three of us can talk this out."

"No," Kate got up and grabbed her coat. "I thought that you were my friend."

"Kate, I _am_ your friend."

"Then, why are you taking _his_ side?" Kate ran out of Remy's and toward the waiting Town Car, jumping into the backseat with Lanie running after her.

"Kate! Kate!" Lanie began banging on the window. After a few minutes, Kate lowered the window. "Please come back inside. We can talk about this."

"There's nothing to talk about," she leaned forward and put her hand on the driver's shoulder. "Let's go."

"Yes, ma'am," the driver put the car in gear and pulled away from the curb.

Kate took a few deep breaths before turning around and looking at Lanie, who was still standing at the curb. "Stephen, drive me to JFK," she said, turning around and facing the front of the car.

"Right away, ma'am," the driver looked in the rearview mirror at his passenger before heading out of midtown.

 **A/N #4: Why is Kate going to the airport and where is she heading?**

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	10. Old Habits Die Hard

**DISCLAIMERS: No, I don't own 'Castle.' I wish that I did, but alas, I don't.**

 **SUMMARY: A desperate search begins for Kate.**

 **A/N #1: Thank you so much, Kelly, for reading my chapters and letting me know what works and what doesn't. And for putting up with my whining.**

 **A/N #2: One of my muses has two daughters who were born with the same congenital heart defect. It's called Transposition of the Great Vessels. Her older daughter was also born 9 weeks premature and she fought a losing battle with this defect, which required several surgeries. Her youngest daughter has also had several surgeries, but is thriving. She is currently a Freshman at Texas A &M University, San Antonio, where she's studying veterinary medicine. She made me promise that I wouldn't force this condition on Hope.**

 **A/N #3: This is for Chacha, who sent me a review saying that this story is too dark and she'll come back when the story is finished. Anybody who knows my stories well knows that I don't write rainbows, bunnies, and kittens. I write dark, angst-y stories that reflect the way that I'm feeling most of the time. I'm not usually a happy person, so my writing reflects that. I'm sorry if that bothers you. Plus this subject matter is very dark. I promise that there will be a turn if you're willing to continue on the journey with me. It's just not going to be anytime soon. I apologize if the darkness is tedious.**

 **A HOLE IN THE HEART**

 **CHAPTER 10: Old Habits Die Hard**

Castle and Jack were sitting across from each other at the breakfast table, each deep in thought as they contemplated the chess board that was set up between them. Even at age three, Jack was beginning to understand the nuances of the game. "When can I go to big kids school?" Jack asked, finally moving one of his chess pieces.

"You already go to big kids school, buddy," Castle countered Jack's move with a move of his own. "Check."

"I mean big kids school where I go all day, like Sissy does."

"Oh," Castle nodded. "Well, right now you're in preschool, and when you're five, you'll be in Kindergarten. You'll go all day then."

"It's going to take forever for me to be five," Jack sighed. "When is mommy coming home?"

"Soon," Castle glanced at his phone. It was close to two o'clock and time for him to drive into the city to pick up Ariel from school. "She's having lunch with Auntie Lanie and they like to talk a lot."

"I know. Why do girls all like to talk a lot?"

"I don't know," Castle laughed.

"Is mommy going to feel better when she gets home?"

"I hope so, Jack. I have an idea," he looked at his son, who instantly brightened. "After we pick Sissy up from school, let's go to the store and pick up something to make mommy her favorite dinner. I know that'll make her feel better."

"I like that idea a lot!"

"In that case, let's get you and Hope ready so that we can go to get Sissy at school."

***CCC***

When Lanie got back to the OCME, she was shaken from what had happened during her lunch with Kate. She went into the restroom and locked herself in a stall, where she cried for 10 minutes. She then went into the morgue and took out her phone. "Esposito," Javi's voice came on the line.

"Javi, if you're not busy, can you come down here? I really need your advice about something."

"Are you all right? You sound strange."

"It's not about me. Please, Javi? This might be an emergency."

"Okay, Chica. I'll be right down."

Javier arrived about 20 minutes later. He was shocked when Lanie ran into his arms, sobbing all over again. "Lanie, what's going on? Did somebody die?"

"I had lunch with Kate. Do you remember when Castle texted me earlier this morning?"

"Yeah. Is she okay?"

"Javi, something's wrong. The Kate that met me for lunch isn't the same woman I've known for years. She was accusing Castle and Martha of conspiring to lock her up and take the kids away from her. Then she said something about not wanting to take care of Hope. And _then_ she said that they thought she was trying to kill the baby. She was paranoid and delusional."

"Did she appear to be on something?"

"No, Javi. I think that she's suffering from some sort of postpartum depression, maybe even psychosis. Castle said in his text that he thought she was in need of some serious help."

"Have you talked to him?"

"No, I was so upset when I got here that I couldn't think. So you think that I should call him?"

"Yeah. If for no other reason than to check to see if Kate got back home okay."

"Yeah, you're right. She had a driver, but I should call to check on her." She took out her phone and brought up Castle's number.

Castle was waiting in the car for one of the teachers to bring Ariel out when his phone rang. "Hey, Lanie. How was lunch with Kate?"

"Hi, Auntie Lanie!" Jack shouted from the backseat.

"Rick, I was just calling to make sure that Kate got home all right. And tell my baby boy that I said hi and I'm sending him kisses."

"Auntie Lanie is sending you kisses, Jack," Castle told his son, who giggled in response. "Well, she wasn't home when I left to get Ariel from school, but she might've decided that she wanted to either visit her dad or maybe do a little shopping. How did lunch go?"

"Where are you right now?"

"I'm waiting in front of the school for Ariel's teacher to walk her out to the car. Why?"

"Castle, I don't want to go into too much over the phone while you're sitting there with the kids. Call me back when you get home."

"Okay, I'll call you back in about 45 minutes," he ended the call just as Ariel got into the backseat and climbed into her booster chair. "Hi, sweet pea. How was school?"

"What tests do I have to take to not have to go to school anymore?"

"Wow," he shook his head. "Your brother can't wait to go to big kids school and you can't wait to be finished. Bad day at black rock?"

"What is that supposed to mean? There's no black rock at my school."

"It's just an expression, sweetie. It means you had a rough day."

"You can say that again."

"He said that you had a rough day," Jack repeated as Castle began laughing.

"God Jack, you're so literal," Ariel rolled her eyes, which only made her father laugh harder.

When Castle walked into the house almost an hour later, it was quiet except for Royal's nails on the tile when he ran to the door to greet them. "Kate!" Castle called out, walking toward their bedroom with the baby carrier looped over his arm.

The bedroom was empty, no sign of Kate anywhere. "Mommy's not here?" He turned to find Ariel standing behind him.

"Daddy, I thought that we were going to buy mommy something special for dinner," Jack reminded him.

"We are, buddy. I just need to find out when she's coming home, first. Why don't you go get started on your homework, Ariel. I'll be there in just a few minutes as soon as I change the baby."

"Come on, Ariel. I'll help you with your math," Jack offered.

"Are you kidding? You're three."

"Two plus two is four, three plus three is six, four plus four is eight."

"Fine, you can help me with my math."

Castle dialed Kate's phone, but all he got was her voicemail. 'Kate, it's me. Please call me back when you get this.' He then called her father, getting his voicemail, as well. After leaving a message, he called the car service. "Yes, this is Richard Castle. My wife was driven into Manhattan earlier this afternoon by one of your drivers. I was just wondering if he's still driving her around."

"One moment, Mr. Castle, and I'll check." After being put on hold for several minutes, the dispatcher came back on the line. "Mr. Castle, that driver returned to the garage at 1:30 and is currently out on another call."

"This is very important. When that driver returns, will you have him call me immediately? It's important."

"I'll have him call you, Mr. Castle."

"Thank you."

Castle removed Hope from her carrier and changed her before going into the dining room to check on the kids. Ariel was doing her math homework, but he noticed that she'd given Jack a piece of paper so that he could do her math problems, too. "Ariel, do you think that you two can do your work quietly for a little while? I need to call Auntie Lanie, and it's important that I'm not interrupted. If you guys want a snack, mommy moved some stuff to the bottom shelf of the pantry."

"Okay, daddy. Daddy?"

"Yeah, baby?"

"Is everything okay?"

"Everything's fine."

Castle went into his office and placed Hope in the cradle before calling Lanie back. "Lanie, what happened at lunch?"

"It was a train wreck," Lanie said as Castle closed his eyes and took a deep breath. "How long has she been like this?"

"Since right after we had all of you over for dinner. She's getting steadily worse, Lanie. And now I don't know where she is."

"What do you mean; you don't know where she is?"

"I don't know where she went after she left Remy's. Her driver returned to the garage at half past one. I'm waiting for him to call me. Was she upset?"

"Oh, she was upset, all right. She's accusing all of us of conspiring against her. She said that she doesn't want to take care of the baby and that you think she's trying to kill her."

"She's been talking crazy for days now. She keeps saying that we can have another baby to replace Hope; that all Hope's going to do is drain my finances and destroy us as a family. She was supposed to go in to see Dr. Burke, but she blew that off."

"Have you tried to call her?"

"It went to voicemail. She's either ignoring my calls or she has her phone turned off."

"Have you talked to the boys? They can track the GPS on her phone to see where she went."

"I didn't even think of that."

"Do that and wait to see if she calls you. Kate's stubborn, but she also loves you, Castle. Call me if you hear anything."

"I will, Lanie. Thank you."

"Oh, and Castle? Call Javi. I've already talked to him about Kate."

"Okay. Thanks, Lanie." He disconnected from Lanie and brought up Espo's number. "Espo, it's me," he said when the detective answered the phone. "I need for you and Ryan to do me a huge favor. Kate hasn't returned home from her lunch with Lanie. I need for you to track her cell phone and see where she is. She hasn't been herself and I'm concerned about her."

"Okay. I'll call you as soon as I get anything."

"Thanks, 'Sito."

Castle ended the call and looked back at his newborn daughter, peacefully sleeping in the cradle. "Hope, where is your mommy?" He wiped at his eyes before getting up to check on the kids.

"Did you find out when mommy's coming home?" Jack asked.

"Not yet," he looked down at his daughter's homework. "Good job. You are positively brilliant," he kissed the top of her head. "Are you sure that you want to drop out of school in the second grade?"

The kids jumped out of their chairs when they heard the front door open and close. "Kate, where have you—" his words dropped off when he saw his mother hanging her coat in the hall closet. "Oh, it's you."

"I'm sorry. Were you expecting someone else?"

"We thought that you were mommy," Jack turned around and walked back to the dining room, his feet dragging in disappointment.

"Kate went out?"

"Yeah, she had lunch with Lanie. We expect her home any time now."

"Richard, what is going on?"

"Ariel, if you're done with your homework, why don't you take Jack upstairs and play with your kittens?"

"Come on, Jack."

"Thank you," Castle called out after the kids retreating backs. "Kate met Lanie for lunch and it didn't go very well. I've got the boys tracking her cell phone, but she could be anywhere."

"Did you call her father?"

"I left a message, but he hasn't called me back, yet."

"You shouldn't have let Katherine leave the house, Richard. Not the way that she's been acting in the last several days," Martha chastised her son.

"What was I supposed to do, Mother? Tie her to the bed?"

Martha was about to answer him when Richard's cell phone rang. "Is that Katherine?"

"No, it's Esposito. I have him and Ryan trying to track Kate's phone. Espo?" Castle answered his cell. "Did you find her?"

"No, bro. She either has her phone turned off or she turned off GPS. Castle, I talked to Lanie. You might want to file a missing persons report."

"I'm waiting on a couple more phone calls. If they don't pan out, I'll call the police. Thanks, 'Sito," Castle disconnected the call and looked at his mother. "Kate either has her phone turned off or the GPS is disconnected, which means she doesn't want to be found."

"Richard, call it in. In her current state of mind, Katherine is a danger to herself."

Just then, Castle's cell rang again. He didn't recognize the number, so he was hoping that it was Kate's driver from earlier. "Hello?"

"Mr. Castle, this is Stephen Mathers from Tri-State Limousine. I was told that you needed to talk to me."

"Stephen, thank you for calling me back. I'm concerned about my wife. Where did you take Mrs. Castle after her errand?"

"She asked me to take her to JFK."

"Did she seem upset to you?"

"Sir, I'm not paid to notice my client's demeanor. I'm just paid to take them where they want to go. Mrs. Castle asked me to take her to JFK, so I did."

"Thank you, Stephen," Castle ended the call and hurled his phone across the room. "She went to JFK."

"Why in the hell would Katherine go to the airport? Where is she planning on going?"

"Mother, I don't know!" He shouted at her. He walked over and picked his phone up, inspecting it for damage before once again calling Esposito. "Espo, it's me. Kate was dropped off at JFK."

"Are you fucking kidding me? Did the driver say which terminal?"

"No. Pick me up and we'll head to the airport."

***CCC***

"At 3:30, the current temperature is 34 degrees. Tonight's forecast calls for blustery northwest winds with snow flurries in the Upper Adirondacks. The low is expected to be 27 degrees with a wind chill of 20."

Kate knew the way to her father's cabin just north of Lake Placid with her eyes closed. The landmarks hadn't changed since she was a little girl. She was focused and determined as she reached the halfway mark to her destination. She knew that Castle would probably find her, but this would at least buy her some time. She'd be damned if he was going to ruin her career by locking her up in a loony bin.

After Stephen had dropped her off at the airport, she'd made her way over to one of the car rental kiosks and rented a Hyundai Sonata. "Will I need snow chains?" She asked the woman behind the counter.

"Where are you heading?"

"Upstate," Kate answered vaguely.

"No, the roads are still good. If you're staying over the weekend, you'll probably need snow chains then. They're expecting snow Friday night and Saturday."

"Thanks. I don't think I'll need the car for that long. Mine is in the shop, but I expect it back by tomorrow or the day after."

"Here's your contract. Just sign it at the bottom, Ms. Beckett."

It was shortly after four when she arrived in Lake Placid, the last town before heading up the mountain to the cabin that her father had owned for more than 30 years. Her hand was throbbing from pain and the cold. She pulled into the parking lot of a small liquor store and killed the engine. She then picked up her phone and looked at it. She'd missed more than 40 calls from Castle and almost as many from the boys and Lanie.

She took a deep, shuddering breath before getting out of the car, shivering in her light jacket. She opened the door and jumped slightly at the sound of the bell jangling above the door. "Good afternoon," the young man behind the counter greeted her as she perused the aisles.

"Uh, good afternoon," Kate absentmindedly answered back, stopping in front of the shelves holding all of the different varieties of Scotch. Did she want Scotch or did she want Tequila? Both were fully capable of dulling her pain, not to mention her senses. Why not buy a bottle of each? She grabbed a bottle of Dewar's before walking over to the Tequila's and taking a bottle of Patron. She then walked up to the counter and placed her purchases down in front of her.

"You having a party or something?" The cashier asked as he rang up her sales.

"Something like that," Kate took out her wallet.

"I just want to say that you have excellent taste in Tequila. Did you need some limes or salt?"

"I don't need limes or salt."

"A straight up Tequila drinker. Bitchin'. Your total is 75.58."

Kate handed him two fifty dollar bills and waited for her change. She then walked out to the car and got back behind the wheel. "Dad, I'm sorry that I'm taking liquor to your cabin," she whispered as she started the engine and backed out of the parking lot.

***CCC***

Castle, Ryan, and Esposito split up at the airport, hitting every ticket counter in the domestic terminal before meeting up again. "Nobody's seen her," Castle groused, getting more worried by the second.

"You said that her passport's at the house, right?" Ryan asked.

"Yeah, we checked while I was waiting for you guys. Her passport's still locked up along with mine and the kids."

"Maybe she rented a car," Espo suggested. "Castle, if she rented a car, the rental agency will have GPS on the vehicle. If she rented a car, we can track down her movements."

"It's worth a try."

Castle got in line at the Enterprise kiosk, impatiently waiting for the agent to finish with the man in front of him. The man finally finished and Castle quickly stepped up. "Hi, welcome to Enterprise. How may I help you?"

"I don't need a car, but I do need your help. My name is Richard Castle. Have you seen this woman?" He took out a couple of pictures of Kate and showed them to the young woman behind the counter. "Her name is Kate Castle, although she might also be using the name Beckett. I need to know if she rented a car. It's important that I find her."

"Is she wanted or something?"

"No, but she might be in physical danger. Did she rent a car here?"

"Let me check," the woman entered a few keystrokes before looking at Castle. "She was here earlier this afternoon. She rented a Hyundai Sonata."

"Hold on just a second," he pulled out his phone and called Esposito. "'Sito, it's me. I'm in front of the Enterprise counter."

"Did Kate rent a car from them?"

"Yeah."

"We'll be right there."

A minute later, the boys walked up to the counter and showed the woman their badges. "We need you to check the GPS on that car. We need to know where it is."

"That'll take a few minutes."

"We realize that. Just do it."

The woman hit a few more keystrokes and printed out some information that she handed to Esposito. "Right now, the car is just north of Lake Placid, New York. The exact area is marked on this map."

"We don't need the exact area. I know where she's going," Castle told them. "I need to call Kate's father and Dr. Burke. Tell them to meet us here because we're flying to Lake Placid."

 **A/N #4: In the next chapter, we're off to Lake Placid.**

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	11. A Race Against Time

**DISCLAIMERS: I don't own anything except seven seasons of 'Castle' on DVD, seven 'Nikki Heat' books and everything I've ever written that's 'Castle' related.**

 **SUMMARY: Castle heads up to Lake Placid to get Kate.**

 **A/N #1: I want to thank everybody who has reviewed the last several chapters. I really want to particularly thank WRTRD for all of the encouragement and ValzBrownie for letting me know that I'm getting it right.**

 **A HOLE IN THE HEART**

 **CHAPTER 11: A Race Against Time**

"Bro, what is in Lake Placid?" Espo asked Castle, who had taken out his phone and was preparing to make phone calls.

"Kate's fathers' cabin is about 15 minutes from town," Castle answered before he spoke into his phone. "Jim, it's Rick. I need for you to call me back immediately. It's an emergency." He hung up and made one more call. "I need to speak to Dr. Burke. It's urgent."

Burke came on the phone a moment later. "This is Dr. Burke."

"Dr. Burke, it's Rick Castle. I desperately need your help. Kate has gone to Lake Placid. I think she needs to be hospitalized and I'm going to need your help to get her back to the city."

"Do you know where she is in Lake Placid?"

"Yeah, I know where she's going."

"Where are you now?"

"I'm at Kennedy along with two of Kate's colleagues. I'm going to see about chartering us a plane to fly up there, but like I said, I'm probably going to need your help and I'm also waiting to hear from Kate's father. I might need his help, as well."

"It's after four o'clock, Rick. If I cancel my appointments and leave right now, I still probably won't be there until close to six."

"That's fine. I need to let my mother know what's going on and that will give Kate's father a chance to call me and hopefully get here, too. Call me when you arrive."

"Okay."

***CCC***

At the house, Martha was pacing the living room waiting to hear from Richard. The children were sitting on the sofa watching their grandmother. Both of them knew that something was very wrong, but they were afraid to voice their fears. "Where did mommy go?" Jack whispered to his sister.

"I don't know. She'll be back pretty soon, Jack," Ariel slipped her arm around her little brother.

"No, she won't. Daddy was mad when he left," Jack's loud whispers finally attracted Martha's attention.

"Oh my babies," she knelt down in front of them. "Your daddy wasn't mad. He's scared for your mommy. She hasn't been feeling well and he wants to find her before she gets worse."

"She's not sick," Jack vehemently disagreed. "She's crazy. There's a big difference."

"James Jackson Castle, why on earth would you say something like that?"

"Because I've heard her tell everybody that she isn't crazy. Why does she keep saying that? She sees people that aren't there. Only crazy people do that."

Martha didn't understand how someone so young could be so bright and intuitive. Alexis had been incredibly smart when she was Jack's age, but Jack clearly outshone his older sister. She made a decision that she was almost sure her son and daughter-in-law wouldn't agree with. She got up and sat between the two children. "Has your daddy told you anything about the man that your mommy keeps seeing?"

"Only that she used to know him and he lives upstate," Ariel told her grandmother.

"Before your mommy married your daddy, she had another boyfriend. His name was Josh and he was a heart doctor. He also used to ride a motorcycle, so he would wear a black leather jacket."

"Like the one mommy has in her closet?" Jack asked.

"Exactly like that one."

"Did daddy like Josh?"

"I think your daddy was jealous of Josh because he liked your mommy. But I don't think that he didn't _not_ like him. He just didn't know him very well. When your mommy got shot, Josh saved her life."

"How did mommy get shot?" Jack wanted to know.

"It happened a very long time ago. Ariel knows some of it, but mommy will tell you all about it when you're a little older." Martha's tale was interrupted by the ringing of the telephone. She looked at the caller id and jumped to her feet. "It's your father. Richard?"

"Mother, are the kids all right?"

"They're fine. Did you find out where Katherine went?"

"Yes. She's headed to the cabin. Dr. Burke is going to meet me and the boys here at the airport. I'm going to charter a plane to Lake Placid to bring her back. I'm just waiting to hear from Jim now. Mother, she's going to have to be hospitalized. It's not something that I want to do, but I can't have her disappearing. The next time I might not be able to track her so easily."

"I know, Richard. And I'm so sorry. Is there anything that you want me to do?"

"Call Alexis and Lanie. Let them know what's going on. Don't tell the kids the whole story. I'll tell them something when I get home."

"All right, Richard. Be careful. I love you."

"I love you, too."

"Did daddy find mommy?" Ariel asked when her grandmother ended the call.

"Where were we in our story?" Martha sat back down, avoiding the question.

"Josh saved mommy's life," Jack reminded her.

"Yes, he did. But, your mommy didn't love him. She loved your daddy, but she was afraid to tell him. But, your mommy broke up with Josh."

"Was he mad?" Jack asked.

"We didn't know it at the time, but yes. He was very upset. Right after your mommy and daddy got married, Josh hurt your mommy. And that's all that I'm going to tell you about that. But he hurt your mommy and because of that, he had to go to prison."

"Is he still there?" Ariel asked.

"Yes. Daddy and I don't know why your mommy is seeing him when he isn't there, but she is. Right now, I want you to play quietly because I have to call Alexis and your Auntie Lanie. No listening in, Ariel. I mean it."

"Okay."

***CCC***

It was cold inside of the cabin. Kate sat down on the battered sofa and removed the two bottles of liquor from the paper bag. The Dewar's was a bottle of 12-year-old Scotch. She knew that Castle would be impressed, although he preferred a much more expensive brand. She remembered how impressed he'd been when he'd learned that Kate also appreciated a good glass of Scotch on occasion.

Now that she had the bottles out, she realized that she had a major problem. There was no way that she could open the bottles with one hand. She stared at her still heavily bandaged hand and knew that the bandages were going to have to go. She unraveled her hand, grimacing at the sight of her black-stitched fingers and palm. After her hand was uncovered, she flexed her hand, almost screaming out in pain as the stitches loosened up. But at least she could now open the liquor bottles.

' _So, what happens if you drink yourself into oblivion?' She looked to find Josh sitting beside her on the couch. 'Tequila and Scotch? What're you trying to do, Kate? Kill yourself?'_

' _I can't kill my baby, Josh. They're going to take my babies away from me. I can't live if I can't be with my babies.'_

' _You could take them with you.'_

' _No, Josh. I'm not a murderer. I'm not like that crazy woman in Houston who drowned her babies in the bathtub.'_

' _Do you remember when we would get drunk and then fuck for hours?'_

' _No! I'm not sleeping with you!'_

Kate looked to her side and saw that nobody was there. "Damn it, Josh! Get out of my head!"

To erase the memories in her head, she quickly opened the bottle of Scotch and raised it to her lips, taking a drink, relishing the burn of alcohol as it seared through her body. "Oh, that's good," she quickly took another drink. The alcohol began to numb everything, making her feel mellow for the first time in what felt like ages.

When the sun went down, the temperature inside of the cabin dropped to arctic temperatures, but Kate no longer cared. The alcohol was warming her blood and body, making her oblivious to everything else around her.

***CCC***

"Rick!" Castle saw Jim Beckett rushing toward where they were waiting at one of the private aviation counters. "What's going on with Katie? You didn't make a lot of sense over the phone."

"Jim, you remember Dr. Burke?"

"Yes, of course," the two men shook hands. "Now, would one of you please tell me what's going on with my daughter? Why in the hell did she go up to the cabin?"

"Mr. Beckett, I have reason to believe that Kate is suffering from postpartum psychosis. She's becoming paranoid and thinks that we're all conspiring to take her children away from her and lock her up in some kind of cuckoo's nest type of facility. It's imperative that we get to her and get her some help before things end in tragedy."

"But you are talking about locking her up?"

"Will Kate have to be hospitalized? In all likelihood, yes," Dr. Burke told Kate's anxious father. "But, we're not going to take her children away from her. In fact, having her children close by will be a huge step in her healing process. I've already spoken to a colleague of mine who is ready to begin treating Kate the moment that we find her."

"Mr. Castle?" Castle turned to the man behind the ticket counter. "If your party is all here, we can get you ready to board."

"Yes, we're all here. Thank you." Castle turned once again to Jim. "I've already rented a jeep when we arrive in Lake Placid. Once we land, we can get the car and go up to the cabin."

"Why are you taking them?" Jim nodded toward Ryan and Esposito. "Please tell me you're not going to arrest Katie if she resists."

"That isn't the plan, sir," Ryan informed Jim. "We're hoping that Dr. Burke can convince Kate that she needs help. We're just going for moral support. We're not cops tonight. We're Kate's friends."

"Mr. Beckett, one way or the other, we're bringing Kate back to the city. How difficult or easy it's going to be depends entirely on her," Dr. Burke said.

"I might be able to help you with that. I once was where Katie is right now. I had to be convinced that I needed help. Let me talk to her when we get there. I might be better at it than any of you."

"We can do that," Dr. Burke agreed.

Once they boarded the eight-seat Cessna and took off for Lake Placid, Dr. Burke turned his attention to Rick, who was sitting hunched over in his seat. "Rick, it's important for you to realize that as angry as I know that you are at Kate right now, none of this is her fault. When she recovers, she's not going to remember most of what she's said or done over the past several days. And none of this is your fault, either. You did the best that you could with a condition that's impossible for any of us to understand."

"This will end badly if she doesn't get help, won't it?"

"If we don't get Kate into treatment, she will become one of those stories that you see on the news where a mother drowns her children in a bathtub or throws them from the George Washington Bridge. It's not a question of if it'll happen, but when. This isn't something that you can cure with love or soothing words. This is a serious condition that is so often overlooked by the medical community until something tragic happens."

"I wish . . . I wish that I had seen what was happening with her sooner. Do you think it was the letter from the parole board that started her spinning out of control?"

"Possibly, but the truth is, we'll probably never know. It could've been the combination of that and learning about Hope's condition. Or it could've been there all along and those things just nudged it. I have a brother," Dr. Burke's voice shook as Castle stared at him. "He has cerebral palsy due to a difficult birth. My mother had a very hard time accepting that he wasn't ever going to be a lawyer or a doctor. Times were different then, but it's always hard when you learn that your child isn't perfect."

"I kept trying to explain to her that Hope's condition could correct itself, but she didn't want to hear that."

"That's the condition, Rick. That isn't Kate. If Kate was her normal, rational self, she'd understand all of that. And when she's better, she'll understand it once again. Please be patient and don't give up on her."

"I've never given up on her. And I won't until she tells me that I should."

***CCC***

At the house in Massapequa, Lanie and Alexis had been joined by Jenny Ryan, who had brought her three kids with her. At the moment the two older children were upstairs in Ariel's room with Ariel and Jack while the women sat downstairs with the two babies, who at the moment were both crying. Martha had warmed up a bottle for Hope, who was screaming and refusing to take it, which was upsetting the older woman.

"I've got her, Grams," Alexis offered. "I think Hope senses that you're upset."

Martha handed the baby over to Alexis, who sat down in her father's recliner. "Hey, princess," Alexis crooned to her tiny sister. "You're okay. Everything's going to be okay."

"Martha, is Castle sure that Kate's at her father's cabin?" Jenny asked, as she rocked her own infant daughter to sleep. "What if she isn't there?"

"If Kate's in Lake Placid, then she's at her father's cabin," Martha answered. "They take the kids there after Christmas to ski and make snowmen. It's a little too rugged for my tastes, but the children love it. Kate said she's been going there since she was a little girl."

"That's where she stayed after she got shot," Alexis added.

"I just wish that I could've convinced her to stay at Remy's," Lanie began sobbing for the fourth time since arriving at the house.

"Lanie," Martha walked over and embraced Kate's best friend. "Nothing you could have said or done would've made Kate stay. This isn't your fault, any more than it's Richard's fault."

"Jack?" Jenny looked over and saw the little boy sitting on the stairs with tears running down his face.

"I want my mommy!" He wailed.

"Oh sweetheart," Martha ran over and gathered him into her arms. "Your mommy will be back home before you know it."

"Can Sissy and I sleep in your room tonight? I'm scared without my mommy and daddy."

"Of course you and Ariel can sleep in my room."

"Grams—" Alexis cautioned her, but stopped talking when Martha fixed her with a stern glare.

"I'm sure that your daddy will call us very soon and tell us that your mommy is just fine."

"Did she run away from home?" Jack's blue eyes were very serious as he stared at his grandmother.

"Not exactly. Your mommy just needed some time to herself."

"But she'll be home tonight?"

"Yes, she should be home tonight. Why don't you go upstairs and play while I make all of you some hot chocolate and popcorn?"

"Okay," Jack got down and ran back upstairs.

"Martha, you should know that Kate probably isn't going to be home tonight," Lanie told the older woman.

"Well, he doesn't need to know that, does he?"

***CCC***

It was below freezing and blowing huge flakes of snow when the men arrived at the small airport in Lake Placid. The rental car agency drove them over to the car lot and they all piled into the rented Jeep for the 15 minute drive up the mountain to the cabin. Esposito, Ryan, and Dr. Burke didn't understand why Castle had rented a Jeep until he made the turn onto the rutted dirt road leading to the cabin. At one point, they thought their heads were going to do through the roof of the car due to all of the bouncing. "Nice road," Espo quipped at one point.

"You should travel it after a heavy rain," Jim told them. "If you don't come up here with four-wheel drive, you could get stuck for days."

"It's too bad it's too dark to see," Dr. Burke watched the snow swirling by the windows. "I'm sure it's beautiful up here."

"It is. There's a lake nearby where you can ice skate. Deer, skunks, and raccoons will sometimes come onto the property."

"She's here," Castle said, pulling in behind Kate's rented Hyundai. "One of us is going to have to drive her car back to Lake Placid."

"Javi and I will take it," Ryan volunteered.

"Are you ready, Rick?" Burke asked.

"No, but I have to pretend that I am. Let's go," Castle opened his door as the other men piled out of the car.

There was one light burning when Castle opened the door and stepped inside, rubbing his arms at the frigid temperature inside. "Fuck! It's freezing in here!" Espo yelped, almost bumping into Castle's back.

"Kate!" Castle called out, as he stepped further inside of the cabin.

"Hey, Castle," Ryan pointed out the two opened bottles on the coffee table. Both were half empty.

The cabin was small, consisting of a small living room, an even tinier kitchen/dining area and two bedrooms. When Ariel was born, Jim had enclosed the patio out back into an area which was suitable for sleeping during the summer, but was like a refrigerator during the winter months.

Castle checked the smaller of the two bedrooms first and after finding it empty, he then went to the second bedroom. He opened the door and flipped on the light switch, instantly seeing Kate passed out on the bed, her injured hand now a bloody mess. "Kate! I found her!" He ran over to the bed and checked her pulse, instantly feeling how ice cold she was. Feeling a steady beat under his fingers, he began shaking her. "Kate! Kate! Wake up!"

Kate felt someone shaking her, but it was warm where she was. She was warm and safe. Nobody was threatening to take her kids from her. When the shaking wouldn't stop, she opened her eyes and saw two of Rick standing over her. "Fuck off, Castle," she waved her hand at him.

"Kate, you need to wake up! It's below freezing in here. You're going to die if we don't get you warmed up."

"How did you find me?" Her voice was slurred. "I turned off my GPS."

"The rental car had GPS and you couldn't turn that one off. Get up! Now! We're going home."

"I'm not going anywhere with you," she rolled over with her back to him.

"Kate, get up! The kids are worried and scared. So is Lanie. What happened at lunch?"

"She took your side. Go away, Castle. The kids are better off without me. So are you."

"Rick," he heard Dr. Burke in the doorway. "Get her out of that bed. Drag her if that's what it takes."

Castle reached down and gathered Kate into his arms, well prepared when she began to fight him with everything that she had left in her still very drunk body. In the living room, the four men could hear her screaming and cursing at Castle, calling him every name in the book. "I hate you, Castle! Put me down! Let go of me! Please, Rick! I'm begging you! Please let me go!"

Castle took the five or six steps into the living room and placed Kate in the tattered armchair that her father loved. She opened her eyes and looked around her, taking in the sight of her father, her two surrogate brothers and her therapist. She covered her face in her hands and took a deep breath before removing her hands, leaving streaks of blood from her hand all over her cheeks and forehead. "What is this? A fucking intervention? Is there a tactical team waiting outside to taze me if I try to run? I'm not crazy! How many times do I have to tell you that, Castle?"

"Nobody said that you were crazy, Kate," Dr. Burke pulled a kitchen chair over and sat down across from her. "But you are troubled and you do need help. I have a friend of mine who specializes in postpartum conditions. I want to take you to see him tonight. Will you go?"

"I don't need any more doctors. I just need some time alone to get my head straight. Rick, you know how I do things. You know how I heal. Sometimes I just have to be alone."

"Kate, we can't leave you here alone. You didn't even start a fire when you got here. It's obvious that you can't take care of yourself."

"I'm drunk. I just want to sleep it off and when I wake up, I'll start a fire then. Please just let me go back to sleep."

"No, Kate," Dr. Burke's voice was as stern as Kate had ever heard him. "If you go back into that bedroom and go back to sleep, you're going to freeze to death. How will Rick explain that to Ariel and Jack?"

"It doesn't matter because he's not going to let me see them again, anyway. He's going to keep me away from my kids just like he kept Meredith away from Alexis."

"I never—" Castle started to argue, but Dr. Burke looked at him and shook his head.

"Kate, don't you want to get better so that you can take care of Hope? She's just a tiny baby who needs her mother."

"We all would've been better off without her."

"Do you really believe that?"

"I look at her and I don't even know her. Please, just let me go back to bed," she began to cry.

"Katie?" Jim walked over and sat on the edge of the armchair. "Katie, those babies need you. Rick needs you. We all love you and we want you to get some help. Do you really like feeling like this?"

"I don't know how to stop this, dad!"

"That's why we're here. To help you to stop it. Rick isn't trying to take your babies away from you, Katie. But if you don't get help, then he's going to. And I'll help him do it. I can't allow you to be around them when you're like this. And not only will you lose your babies, you'll also lose your job. You're going to lose everything, just like you told me that I was going to lose everything if I didn't stop drinking. Do you remember that?"

"You would help Rick instead of helping me?" Kate looked at her father with hatred written all over her face. "I'm your daughter! How can you betray me like this?"

"Katie, believe it or not, I _am_ helping you. I'm helping you by not allowing you to put those three kids through any more torment."

"I need another drink," she started to get up, but Jim stopped her. "Let go of me!"

"No more alcohol, Katie," he motioned at the boys. Ryan picked the bottles up and took them into the kitchen, where he poured them down the drain. "You told me once that alcohol wasn't the answer. It didn't bring your mother back and it's not going to help you with the voices in your head and the visions of Josh that you keep seeing."

"Can we do this in the morning? I'm really tired and I really want to go back to sleep."

"No, Katie. We're doing this now; tonight. Will you come back to the city with us and allow Dr. Burke's colleague to help you?"

"Can I talk to Rick first?"

Jim looked at Castle, who nodded. "Yeah, you can speak to Rick. We'll wait out here."

Castle led Kate back into the master bedroom and closed the door. "You think that you're so fucking smart, don't you? Mister Big Shot Mystery Writer Man has all the answers!"

"I'm doing what I have to do to protect our children. I know that it's not your fault, Kate, but right now I absolutely despise you. So yeah," he removed a folded up piece of paper from his pocket, "Right now I'm the one with all of the answers."

"What're you going to tell our kids?"

"I don't know. I'm a writer," he said sarcastically. "I'm sure that I can come up with something that they'll believe."

"Are Kevin and Javi going to haul me out of here in cuffs if I refuse to go?"

"Nobody's arresting you, Kate. But, you're either doing this the easy way or the hard way. Whichever way you chose is entirely up to you."

"You have no idea how much I hate you right now."

"Oh, I've got a pretty good idea."

"I don't have a choice, do I?"

"No, you really don't."

"Do I have to ride back into town with you?"

"Kevin and Javi are taking your car back to the rental car place. You can ride back with them."

Kate turned on her heel and stomped back to the living room. "I'm going, only because I can't fight all of you."

"She's riding back with you," Castle told the boys. "The thought of riding in a vehicle with me is repugnant to her at the moment."

"What's that in your hand? A court order?" Kevin asked.

"No, it's the outline for my next book, but she doesn't need to know that. I'll see you at the airport."

"Kate, is it all right if I ride back with you and the detectives?" Burke asked.

"I don't care. Unlike me, you have choices."

"Let's get out of here," Castle opened the door and led all of them out into the freezing cold.

 **A/N #2: I started writing this chapter at 10 o'clock this morning. It is now 20 minutes until two in the afternoon. I love it when a chapter flows like this one did.**

 **A/N #3: In the next chapter, we're going to meet Kate's new therapist, which will bring up a déjà vu moment from Season 4.**

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	12. Help on the Horizon

**DISCLAIMERS: I don't own anything that anybody would recognize.**

 **SUMMARY: Kate begins treatment for her postpartum psychosis and Castle tries to come to terms with his decision to hospitalize her.**

 **A/N #1: Kelly, you asked me if Castle was truly that angry at Kate or if he was acting. This chapter will hopefully answer some of your questions.**

 **A/N #2: My muse, Gina, told me all about the soft restraints. She told me exactly how Kate would feel when waking up to those things. Thank you for being the voice of experience.**

 **A/N #3: I'm a huge fan of the show 'M*A*S*H.' In homage to actor Wayne Rogers, who recently passed away at the age of 82, I've given his character's name to Kate's new doctor.**

 **A/N #4: To my reviewers concerning Jack: he's not being neglected in this chapter. Please keep in mind that Castle is both physically and emotionally exhausted.**

 **A/N #5: This is in response to guest reviewer Janice Canup, who said she'll read this story once it's completed because she hates starting a story only to find that it never gets completed. I have only had one story on FanFiction dot net that I didn't complete and I recently removed it from the site. I told myself long ago that I refuse to be one of those authors who doesn't finish a story. If I start a story, I will complete it. It might take me several days between chapters, but the story will get told in its entirety.**

 **A HOLE IN THE HEART**

 **CHAPTER 12: Help on the Horizon**

"Mrs. Castle? Mrs. Castle? Can you hear me?"

Kate slowly opened her eyes, frowning when they came to focus on the strange man dressed in a white doctor's coat standing by her bed, penlight at the ready. "Who are you?"

"I'm Dr. John McIntyre. We met a couple of nights ago, but I doubt that you remember that. You were pretty inebriated, not to mention pissed off."

Kate vaguely remembered meeting this new doctor when Castle and the rest of his entourage had brought her to this strange and scary place.

 _Two nights before_

 _Once in the car with Ryan and Esposito, Kate had leaned her body against the back passenger door and immediately went back to sleep. She awoke briefly as she was being moved onto the plane and then passed out again during the short flight from Lake Placid back to New York City._

 _Once back at JFK, Kate allowed the boys to put her into a cab with Castle, her father, and Dr. Burke. "Call us, Castle," she remembered Ryan telling her husband._

" _I will. Thanks."_

 _She didn't know how long they were in the cab before they stopped and she was once more moved, this time into a brightly lit building. She remembered someone undressing her and someone else shining a light into her eyes, which pissed her off. "Turn off the fucking lights!" She'd screamed at the unknown person._

 _She could then hear two voices talking nearby. She recognized one of them as being Castle's voice, but the other was unfamiliar. "How much has she had to drink?" She heard the unknown person ask._

" _I don't know. We found half-empty bottles of Scotch and Tequila at the cabin."_

" _What did she do to her hand?"_

" _She cut it on a butcher knife a few days ago. She removed the bandages and tore at the stitches. I bandaged her up again the best that I could."_

" _I couldn't open the bottles!" Kate screamed from the gurney._

" _Mrs. Castle, I'm Dr. McIntyre. What were you just saying?"_

" _I unwrapped my hand because I couldn't open the bottles. Tell him to get out of here!" She pointed her finger in the general direction of her husband. "I don't want him anywhere near me! He's trying to take my kids away from me! I hate you, Castle!"_

" _Don't respond," the doctor warned him. "I know that you want to, but don't. Once we get her started on medication, she's not going to remember most of this."_

" _I'm not staying! I don't have to stay! I know my rights!"_

" _Let's get her started on point five of Valium. Mr. Castle, you need to step outside. I'll be out to speak to you soon."_

Kate tried to run her hand through her hair, only to find that she couldn't move her hands. "What the fuck is this?" She yanked at both hands, only to find them restrained to the bed rails with what appeared to be soft leather arm bands. "You tied me to the bed?"

"It was for your own safety, Mrs. Castle. We've started you on lithium. How do you feel?"

"Has anybody ever called you Trapper John? You said that your name is John McIntyre. I used to watch re-runs of 'M*A*S*H' with my dad. I had to deal with a merc once who called himself Trapper John."

"A merc?"

"Yeah, you know, a mercenary. He was holding up a bank. My partner . . . well, he's my husband now, but he was my partner at the time . . . he was inside of the bank with his mother."

"I remember reading about that. There was an explosion at the bank. But no, nobody has ever called me Trapper John, although I did hear it a lot growing up. Again, how are you feeling?"

"You're a shrink?" Kate guessed.

"Yes, I'm a psychiatrist. I specialize in postpartum psychosis. You still haven't told me how you're feeling now."

"I'm not sure. My mind isn't racing. My mind was racing for such a long time."

"So I've heard. The fact that your mind is no longer racing is very good. Do you remember what was going through your mind when it was racing?"

"Can you take these off?" She asked, nodding toward the restraints.

"Soon, I promise."

"I'm not going to attack you."

"I'm sure that you won't, but for right now, let's just talk. Do you remember how you were feeling when your mind was racing?"

"Scared. Someone wanted me to hurt my baby. When I couldn't do that, it wanted me to hurt myself."

"Did that someone have a name?"

"I'm really tired and I really want you to take me out of these things," she shook the bed rails. "Has Castle been here?"

"Yes, he's been here. Would you like to see him?"

"Yes. Can you take these off?" She asked once again. "I need to feel him."

"We do everything around here on a trust system, Mrs. Castle," Dr. McIntyre removed Kate's wrist restraints. "You're a cop, so you should know how this works. If you do anything stupid, these go back on."

"I just want to hold my husband. When can I go home?"

"We'll discuss that soon. Let me go and find your husband."

Kate pushed herself to a sitting position and rubbed her wrists. What had she done? Why was she here? And why was this stupid doctor asking her how she was feeling? She could remember being so cold, but she couldn't remember why. Her mind had been so fuzzy for so long that she wasn't even sure of what day it was.

***CCC***

Castle was exhausted. He couldn't even remember the last time that he'd actually slept. For the past two days and nights, he'd been catching cat naps on one of the uncomfortable couches in the visitor's lounge. His mother, daughter and friends were attempting to keep things together on the home front, but he knew that he was going to have to relieve them at some point.

He found that he liked Dr. McIntyre, the therapist that Dr. Burke had referred Kate to. He was blunt, but honest about the uphill battle that not only Kate, but the rest of the family faced in the upcoming months.

 _Two nights previously_

" _Mr. Castle, we're going to admit Kate and start her on medication."_

" _What kind of medication?"_

" _For right now, lithium. Depending on her response, that might be the only medication or I might add more. You can stay here if you'd like, but I wouldn't advise trying to visit with Kate right now. For one thing, she's probably going to sleep off the effects of the alcohol and for another, as angry as she is, it's not going to be a good idea for you to stir up a hornet's nest."_

" _But, she'll be okay now?"_

" _Will the homicidal thoughts that she's had go away? Yes. Will she be okay? Not right away. She's going to need extensive therapy and so is the rest of the family."_

" _No, we're fine."_

" _Mr. Castle, believe me when I tell you that you're not fine. I see a lot of loving husbands who harbor a lot of anger and resentment toward their wives after these kinds of events. Deep down I know that you understand that the woman that's been living in your home for the past week or so wasn't the woman that you married or who gave birth to your children. But I can still guarantee that you're angry at her. You just don't know it yet."_

" _You said that the whole family will need therapy? Do you mean my children? They're seven, three and two weeks old."_

" _Well, of course your newborn daughter won't need therapy. However, Kate will need her as part of her recovery process. We have to help her learn to bond with the baby. As for your older two children, yes, I think that they need to see someone, too. I'm sure that they've been witness to many of Kate's actions and they're confused by those actions."_

" _What about my mother? She's been in our home trying to take care of everything since Kate injured her hand."_

" _I encourage her to join the rest of you. I'm sure that she has anger issues, as well."_

"Mr. Castle?" Castle looked up when Dr. McIntyre entered the room. "Kate is awake and she is lucid. She's asking for you."

"Is she still mad?"

"I think right now she's confused. I've removed her wrist restraints, but I've made her understand that if she attacks you in any way, they go back on. You should also understand that she's going to beg you to take her home. I know that I'm asking for the impossible, but try not to respond to her pleas. Steer her away however you need to."

"When will she be able to come home?"

"Right now, I don't know. I will get her into therapy with me later today and we'll see how it goes from there. After you see her, I want you to go home. Go take care of your children. After today, I will put Kate on a therapy schedule and I will work on setting up a schedule for you and the children. When you come back tomorrow—"

"Not later today?" Castle was crushed.

"No, Mr. Castle. Not later today, but _tomorrow_ when you come back, you can bring her some things that will help her pass the time. She can have books, music, crafts, those sorts of things. Also bring her some clothes, but nothing with laces or belts."

"Can she have her tablet?"

"Right now I would prefer her not to have anything that has an electrical cord. Maybe in a week or so, she can work her way up to a tablet."

"A week or so? How long do you expect to keep her here?"

"Mr. Castle, this is a process. It might be a long process, or it might be a short process. How long depends entirely on Kate and how well she progresses. And when you come tomorrow, bring the baby."

"Already? You already want to give her access to Hope?"

"Mr. Castle, if you want your wife to get better, she needs to bond with Hope. That needs to start immediately. I know that you're scared—"

"I'm not scared," Castle disagreed.

"I know that you're scared," Dr. McIntyre repeated, "but she won't be alone with her. Not right now. Come on, I'll take you to Kate's room."

Walking down the hall with the doctor, Castle experienced that same feeling of trepidation that he'd had when he had visited Kate right after her shooting. Only this time Kate knew that he loved her.

Kate was twisting the rough sheet on her bed when Dr. McIntyre walked in. "I brought you a visitor," he opened the door and let Castle inside.

"Castle," Kate breathed out his name, her smile the wide one that he'd always loved. She reached her arms out to him, breathing a sigh of relief when he rushed over to her, pulling her into a crushing embrace. "I messed up, huh?"

"Oh, it's not so bad," he pulled back to look at her. "We'll fix it."

"I don't understand why I'm here, Rick. I feel fine now. Sign me out and let's get out of here."

"I see that they fixed your hand," he took her still heavily bandaged hand and examined the new wrap job.

"Are the kids okay?"

"They're fine. Mother and Alexis are with them. They miss you, but they're okay."

"And Hope?"

"Hope's fine, too. You'll see all three of them soon."

"Did I hurt her?"

"No, you didn't hurt her. You ran away. I think that you ran away so that you wouldn't hurt her."

"Rick, I'm sorry," she began to cry.

"I know," he cradled her to his chest. "I can't stay long. I've just been waiting for you to wake up so that I could see you and talk to you. I'm going to head home so that I can give Mother and Alexis a break. I'll be back tomorrow morning."

"You're leaving? You just got here!" She protested.

"I know and I promise that I'll be back first thing in the morning."

"And you'll sign me out then?" Her eyes were hopeful.

"I love you," he kissed her cheek. "I'll see you in the morning."

"I don't have my phone! I can't even call you!"

"Rick, just go," Dr. McIntyre told Castle when he hesitated.

Kate's eyes were blazing when the door shut behind Castle. She directed all of her rage to the man that she now viewed as her captor. "You asshole! You're keeping me here against my will! You're violating my rights!"

"If I were you, I'd probably feel the same way. I know that you're feeling much better than you were when you were admitted, but you are still a danger to your children and to yourself. I took a case history from your husband and Dr. Burke when you were brought in. I understand that you have suffered from PTSD in the past."

"Yes, but I haven't had an attack in a long time."

"Rick told me that you have three children. Can you tell me about them?"

"I have a seven-year-old daughter named Ariel; a three, almost four-year-old son named Jack and a newborn daughter, Hope."

"How old is Hope? You made it a point of telling me the ages of your older children, but you just said that Hope is a newborn. How old is she?" He repeated.

"I'm not sure," Kate's eyes filled with tears. "You must think I'm the worst mother in the world."

"No, I don't. Why aren't you sure of how old Hope is, Kate?"

"Because I don't know what day this is! I had Hope on the 5th of November at 3:47 in the morning. But I don't know what day it is today. I don't know if we've had Thanksgiving, yet, or if Thanksgiving is coming up. So, that's why I don't know how old she is. Are you going to give me a hint or keep making me sound like an idiot?"

"Thanksgiving is next week, which would make Hope two weeks old as of today. How is it being a mom to three kids?"

"Hectic and exhausting. And traumatic."

"How is it traumatic?"

"Being a mom hasn't been a great experience for a long time. I know this sounds stupid. I love my kids, but I feel like a total failure as a mom."

"How do you think that you've failed as a mom?"

"My job is dangerous. Twice now things have happened that have put my kids in danger. My oldest daughter almost died nearly two years ago. She was traumatized for a long time. It's only been in the last few months that we're finally getting back our old Ari."

"Was what happened to your daughter your fault?"

"Not exactly, but it happened due to actions on my part. And my son—" She stopped talking and looked down at her hands.

"What about your son?"

"Me and my husband are both only children. Rick has a grown daughter from a previous marriage. And then we had Ari. After Ari was born, I wanted to give Rick a son, someone who could carry on the Castle name. It's different taking care of a little boy."

"I know. My wife and I have four of them. Tell me about your son. How would you describe him?"

"Describing Jack depends on what time of the day or what day of the week it is," Kate smiled wistfully. "He's very different from his sister."

"Most siblings are very different, Kate. How do you see Jack?"

"Jack is very funny and he's very sweet. He's a lot like Rick. But sometimes I watch him and it's like I'm watching a stranger. I don't feel the same connection with him that I do with Ari."

"Did you suffer from depression after Jack's birth?"

"No. But his birth was difficult. I had to have an emergency c-section. I was under extreme stress throughout the pregnancy and Rick and I fought a lot."

"Did you continue to fight once Jack was born?"

"No, but I could tell that Rick was angry. Can I ask you something?"

"You can ask me anything."

"When can I go home?"

"Honestly, I don't really know. Let's just say that for right now I think that you need to be here. Starting tomorrow, we'll get you started on group and individual therapy. We'll see how you respond to that along with the lithium."

"What we're doing now isn't therapy?"

"No, what we're doing right now is chatting."

"Am I confined to my room?"

"No, although I think you would be more comfortable leaving your room tomorrow after your husband brings you some clothes."

"Can I call home and talk to my kids?"

"Let's wait a few days for that."

"A few days? I want to talk to my kids! You can't keep me away from them!"

"I'm not keeping you from your kids, Kate. But I want to get you on a treatment regiment before I start giving you privileges. You can be angry about it. I would expect nothing less. But around here, I make the rules. You get privileges such as talking to your kids or having a visit with them when you earn it. I'll have an orderly bring you some magazines to read for today, but I want you to get some rest."

"Can I at least take a shower?"

"An orderly will take you down to the showers in the morning."

"You're treating me like I'm a prisoner!"

"No, I'm treating you like a person whose ill, which you are. Get some rest. I'll check on you after lunch."

***CCC***

Castle had no sooner put his key in the front door when he was greeted by his small son. "Daddy! You came home! Where's mommy? Is she on a trip?"

"Dad, how's Kate?" Alexis greeted him with a kiss and a warm hug.

"She's fine," Castle adjusted Jack onto his hip before walking through the living room. "Where's Grams?"

"She went out to lunch with some friends. I practically had to beg her to get out of here for a couple of hours. I was just giving Jack some lunch. We were having macaroni and cheese. Can I interest you in some?"

"Yeah, that sounds great," Castle tried to act far more cheerful than he felt. "Have you had any trouble with the kids?"

"We've been sleeping with Grams!" Jack announced after Castle placed him in his chair at the dining table and Alexis placed a plate of macaroni and cheese in front of him.

"Well, tonight I think you two should sleep in your own rooms," Castle smiled at Alexis when she placed a plate in front of him. "Has anybody called while I was gone?"

"Yeah. Dr. Sayid called to remind you or Kate that Hope has an appointment with him next week. Other than that, it's been pretty quiet."

Castle took a couple of bites of his food before dropping his fork on his plate and covering his face in his hands. He could never remember being so tired in his life. Or so helpless. "Daddy?" He removed his hands and found Jack standing beside him, his eyes full of concern and worry.

"I'm okay, buddy. I'm just tired."

"Where is mommy? When is she coming home?"

"When we pick Ariel up at school, I'll talk to both of you about mommy. I promise that she's okay. And hopefully she'll come home very soon."

"Finish your lunch, Jack. We're going to let daddy get some rest before it's time to go and get your sister." 

"Can I take a nap with my daddy?"

Alexis was surprised that her baby brother was willing to take a nap. Her dad had told her that he was getting to be the age where he thought he no longer needed naps. "Yeah, you can take a nap with daddy if it's okay with him."

"I'd like that, buddy," Castle smiled and ruffled Jack's hair.

"Dad, I can pick Ariel up at school so that you can get some sleep."

"Thank you, pumpkin. I'd really appreciate that. I'm going to take a shower. Wake me up when you bring Ariel home."

"Okay."

"Come on, Jack. Let's go and take a nap."

When Castle came of the bathroom after his shower, he smiled at Jack curled up on his mother's side of the bed. "Can Sissy and I call mommy on the phone later like we do when you're on a book tour?"

"Right now, mommy can't have phone calls."

"Why?"

"It's against the rules where she is."

"Did mommy do something bad?"

"No, buddy. I promise that I'll tell you where mommy is when Lex brings Ariel home from school. I'm really tired, Jack. I'll answer all of your questions when I wake up."

***CCC***

Sometime that afternoon, an orderly brought Kate a tray with something that was supposed to resemble lunch. Along with lunch came a paper cup with a pill in it. "You need to take your medication, Ms. Castle," the orderly told her. "And I need to check your mouth to make sure you've swallowed it."

"Funny, you look nothing like Nurse Ratched," Kate quipped sarcastically, taking the cup and dumping the pill into her mouth, washing it down with a few swallows of tepid water. She then showed her empty mouth to the orderly, who nodded and left the room, locking the door behind him.

Kate sat cross-legged in the middle of her bed with the tray of disgusting food balanced on her legs. She smiled when she thought of the comments Castle would have if he were here right now. She still didn't understand why she was here. Dr. McIntyre had said something about her being drunk and pissed off. She didn't remember being either one.

She couldn't believe that two weeks had passed since Hope's birth. Why couldn't she remember anything from those two weeks? Why was she here? What had she done? And why had Castle had her locked up in this hell-hole?

***CCC***

When Castle opened his eyes, the first thing he saw was Ariel sitting beside her brother. Both pairs of eyes fixed were fixed on him. "Hey, guys," he sat up, running a hand through his hair, which was sticking up in every direction. "How was school, sweet pea?"

"Where's my mommy? Why isn't she here? Jack said that she did something bad."

"No, baby. No," Castle reached out and took both kids into his arms. "Your mommy didn't do anything bad. Let me get dressed and I'll try to explain what's going on. Where's Lex?"

"Giving Hope a bottle," Jack answered.

"Can you get her and ask her to join us in the living room?" Castle asked his son, who leaped off of the bed and ran to do his father's bidding.

A few minutes later Castle and his three older children met in the living room. "Your mommy is sick," Castle began, swallowing to still the tremor in his voice. "She's in the hospital right now with a special doctor who's going to work to make her better."

"When will she come home?" Ariel asked.

"I don't know yet, baby. But the doctor is going to help to make all of us better, too."

"Why? We're not sick," Jack said.

"No, we're not, but he thinks that it's important that we all talk about how we were feeling while mommy wasn't acting like herself."

"Is this doctor like Dr. Franklin?" Ariel was referring to the therapist that she'd seen after Tyson and Nieman had tried to kill her and her father.

"Yeah, he's exactly like Dr. Franklin."

"Why can't we talk to mommy on the phone?" Jack wanted to know.

"Because right now the doctor wants to work hard to help mommy get better. He said that you can talk to her on the phone in a few days."

"Will she be home for Christmas?" Ariel asked.

"I hope so, Ariel. The important thing is that all of us need to work really hard so that mommy can be home and we can be a family again."

"Can we draw her pictures?" Ariel asked.

"I think that is a wonderful idea. When I visit her tomorrow, I'll take her pictures of you that she can keep them in her room."

"Is mommy crazy?" Jack asked.

"No, son. Your mommy's not crazy. She just isn't herself right now."

"If she comes home, is she going to try to hurt Hope again?"

"No, buddy. _When_ your mommy comes home, she's not going to try to hurt Hope or anybody else ever again."

"You promise that we can see her pretty soon?" Ariel begged.

"Yeah baby, I promise that the second the doctor says you can visit her, I'll take you to see her."

Alexis could see that her dad was struggling to keep his emotions under control, so she decided that it was time to step in. "Ariel, Jack," the two kids looked at their older sister. "I'm going to make dinner in about an hour, but I put some peanut butter crackers and some milk on the table for you to snack on."

The two kids looked at their dad, who nodded his consent before they ran to get their snacks. "Thank you," Castle whispered to Alexis.

"It's okay. Dad, Kate is going to be okay, isn't she?"

"Yeah, Dr. McIntyre assured me that she's going to be fine. It's just . . . seeing her this morning was so much harder than I thought it was going to be. She was so scared and she didn't understand why I couldn't just take her home. I wanted to grab her and just run."

"Dad, Kate's where she needs to be. She isn't going to get better if she comes home."

"I feel like I've failed her, Alexis," he buried his head in his hands and began sobbing loudly.

"Dad, you haven't failed her. You're trying to help her," Alexis sat on the sofa and wrapped her arms around her father as he fell into her arms, still sobbing.

Standing in the doorway, Ariel wrapped her own arms around her little brother as they stood there silently watching the scene before them. "Why is daddy crying?" Jack whispered to his sister. "Daddy never cries."

"Daddy cries sometimes. I think he's just worried about mommy. It's going to be okay, Jack. We'll protect each other from mommy. She won't hurt us. She's never going to hurt any of us again."

 **A/N #6: Before anybody complains, this isn't going to turn into the Ariel show again. That last statement is just that; a statement. We're going to see the reactions of both children over the next few chapters.**

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	13. The Healing Begins

**DISCLAIMERS: Nope, still not mine.**

 **SUMMARY: The whole family begins trying to heal, causing different emotions to come to the surface.**

 **A/N #1: Thanks again to all of my reviewers. I know that this is dark territory, but it has to be.**

 **A/N #2: Also, keep in mind that this takes places several years after the end of the series, so I would expect Gates to be chief by this time.**

 **A/N #3: Due to some issues with the previous chapter, I almost threw in the towel and pulled this entire story. Some people know what this issues were, but I won't go into it here. I just want to thank Chuck and Gina for listening to my ranting at midnight and convincing me to not ever give up. I also want to thank my following followers on Twitter: at MelodyPuppyDog, Caskettalways, leingh, Always-Partners, ubetido29, StanaKateFan, tshlw, breakingbeckett, wendykhw, SallySpark1, honeyandvodka (btw, also a great Castle fan fiction writer), AAR1806, and last, but not least, AliSanchevsky31. All of you had a huge part in convincing me to hang in there and not give in to the craziness. Lastly, a huge thanks to Kelly who reads my stuff before I post it.**

 **A HOLE IN THE HEART**

 **CHAPTER 13: THE HEALING BEGINS**

Castle sighed when he walked into his mother's bedroom to get Hope. His mother was downstairs making coffee, but both older children were still soundly sleeping in the middle of her bed. It was Saturday, so they didn't have school, but he wasn't pleased about where they were at the moment. He resolved to have a serious conversation with his mother after he returned home from visiting Kate.

He took Hope into the master bedroom and was dressing her when Martha walked in. "Do you really think that it's a good idea to take Hope with you this morning? It's snowing outside and bitterly cold."

"Dr. McIntyre told me to bring the baby with me this morning. It's not like I'm leaving her alone in a freezing car while I visit with Kate."

"I just don't understand how taking Hope can possibly help anything."

"Mother, Kate needs to be able to bond with Hope. He's also told me that at some point I'll be taking Ariel and Jack up there, too. It's going to be fine. She's going to be supervised and I promise that I won't let her hurt the kids. Speaking of which, you and I are going to have to talk when I get home about your current sleeping companions."

"They're scared, Richard. If they want to get in bed with me in the middle of the night because they're afraid, I'm not going to send them back to their own beds. You used to allow Alexis to get in bed with you when she was small or do you not remember that?"

"I remember, Mother. But when we had Ariel, Kate was adamant about one thing. She doesn't want the kids getting in bed with us. I know that you're angry at her, but she's still my wife! I'm not giving up on her!"

"Neither am I, but I'm also thinking of Ariel and Jack."

"So am I," he carried Hope into the kitchen and warmed up a bottle. "When I get home this afternoon, I'll do something with the kids. I know that you need a break. I'm sorry it's been so awful the past few days."

"It will get better," she patted his cheek before softly kissing Hope's forehead. "When you see Katherine, give her a huge hug and a kiss from me."

"I will, Mother," he took the bottle from the microwave and placed it in Hope's mouth. "Are you ready to go and see mommy, Baby Girl?"

After feeding her, burping her, and changing her once again, Castle zipped Hope into her bright pink snowsuit before grabbing the bag that he'd packed for Kate. He then strapped Hope into her carrier. "Be careful, Richard," Martha kissed him on the cheek.

"I will."

***CCC***

Kate was sitting in the middle of her bed with her knees drawn up to her chest. She was having trouble deciding which she hated more at the moment; her husband or this hospital. She'd barely slept the night before due to a combination of various noises and the fact that someone kept constantly opening her door and calling out her name all night long.

She looked up when she heard her door being unlocked. Dr. McIntyre walked into the room carrying a small suitcase. "Your husband brought you some clothes. An orderly will come and walk you to the shower in a few minutes. Then you can go to the dining room and have breakfast. After that, we'll chat in my office."

"A therapy session or another chat?"

"No, it's a therapy session this time. This afternoon, you'll have your first group session."

"I don't want to sit in a circle with a bunch of other women and talk about my problems."

"Kate, you don't make the rules here. I do. You're attending group therapy sessions either voluntarily or involuntarily. The choice is completely in your hands. I'll see you in my office in an hour."

After Dr. McIntyre left the room, Kate took her bag over to the bed and opened it, removing several items of clothing as well as her toiletries. She noticed that Castle had packed her Ugg's instead of her sneakers. She figured the reasoning was she wasn't allowed to have anything with shoelaces. "Yeah, like I'm going to strangle myself," she muttered to herself.

"Ms. Castle?" She turned to find an orderly standing at the door. "I'm to walk you to the showers. Are you ready?"

"Yeah."

Walking down the hall with her clothes bundled in her arms; Kate got her first look around at her surroundings. There were several closed doors between her room and the showers. "I'll wait for you out here," the orderly told her.

"I don't need a babysitter."

"I'll wait for you out here," he repeated, folding his arms over his chest.

The shower made Kate feel cleaner, but it didn't do much to improve her disposition. After taking her hospital gown back to her room, her companion walked her down two more corridors to a cafeteria, which offered an array of breakfast options. Kate fixed a plate with some eggs, bacon and toast, grabbing a carton of milk before walking over to an empty table and sitting down. "I'll come back for you in half an hour to walk you to Dr. McIntyre's office."

"Fine," Kate opened her carton of milk and stabbed her plastic fork into eggs that were flavorless. "God, this is like eating prison food."

"Get your family to bring you snacks. It's the only way you won't starve to death in here," Kate looked up and found herself staring at a young woman in her early 20's. Her hair was straggly and she had scars on both arms. "I'm Lizzie."

"Kate," Kate answered as Lizzie sat down across from her. "I just got here."

"I figured that. I haven't seen you before. If they let you stay out, I've got some cookies in my room. I'll share them with you in the common room."

"What do you mean, if they let me stay out?"

"If you have a meltdown, they'll put you under house arrest in your room. If you stay calm, you get to stay out from morning until lights out. Your shrink will explain everything to you. I'm hoping to get out of here soon. Only I'm not sure I'm ready to get out."

"Why?"

"Lizzie, stop discussing why you're here," a nurse walked by, admonishing the young woman. "You discuss during group."

Kate was more confused than ever. She still didn't understand why she was here. She'd done therapy before, of course, but she'd never been forced to attend group therapy. She gave up on the eggs and ate the toast instead. It was dry, but at least it was somewhat edible.

"I didn't mean to get you in trouble," Kate said once 'Nurse Ratched' had walked away.

"Don't worry about it. I guess that I'll see you in group this afternoon."

"I guess so."

"Don't worry, Kate. This place actually isn't that bad once you get used to it. It's actually safe here."

"I used to be safe at home," Kate said to herself once Lizzie got up and left.

"Ms. Castle? Come on, Dr. McIntyre is waiting for you."

***CCC***

"How is Kate doing?" Castle asked, sitting across from Dr. McIntyre in his office.

"She's still angry, but I think she's going to realize that she needs to be here. How are you feeling?"

"I'm worried about my wife."

"That's perfectly understandable. I understand that you're going to be seeing Dr. Burke later today."

"Yeah. I've also talked to the doctor who treated my daughter Ariel last spring. He's going to see Ariel and Jack. I haven't convinced my mother to see Burke, yet. That's going to be a work in progress."

"I'll also need to see you and Kate together to help you work out some of the issues that led to all of this."

"The only issue that led to all of this was Kate receiving that fucking letter from the parole board in the mail!"

"We'll discuss all of that," Dr. McIntyre stopped talking when they heard a knock on his door. "Come in!"

Castle's heart skipped a beat, as it always did, when Kate walked into the room. She looked pale and tired, but she still looked beautiful, as always. "Hi," he walked over and embraced her, feeling her stiffen up against him.

"Why did you bring Hope?" She asked, seeing the baby in her carrier. "Did you bring Ari and Jack?"

"No, they're still at home with Martha."

"Why are you keeping my kids from me? What did I do?"

"Kate, we're going to talk about all of that," Dr. McIntyre interrupted their reunion. "Why don't you come over here and sit down?"

Kate sat down on the edge of the sofa, her actions showing how nervous and uptight she was. She watched warily as her husband unbuckled Hope from the carrier and carefully removed her, offering her out to Kate. "What are you doing, Castle?"

"Don't you want to hold her?" Dr. McIntyre asked.

"No, I don't want to hold her!" She shouted as the baby began to cry. "Please make her stop crying. I can't listen to that right now."

Dr. McIntyre nodded at Castle, who took a pacifier from the diaper bag and placed it in Hope's mouth, quieting her cries. "Why don't you want to hold her, Kate?"

"I can't make her happy. I can't do anything for her."

"I thought that you told me that she was getting better!" Castle shouted at the doctor, which immediately made Hope spit out the pacifier and start wailing once again. "She's saying the exact same things today that she was saying three days ago!"

"I can't get better when I don't know what I've done!" Kate screamed back. "All that I've ever wanted is to be better for you; for the kids! Would somebody please tell me what I've done?"

"Kate, we're going to talk about that. What both of you need to understand that this is a process. While Kate has been started on medication, it isn't going to be a quick fix. Like I told you yesterday, Mr. Castle, this is going to be a process. My hope is to get Kate stable enough to return home within the next couple of weeks. But it's going to take a lot of hard work, and you're all going to have to work with me here."

"Two weeks?" Kate began to pace the room. "I can't sleep! Some moron kept walking by my room every five minutes last night, calling out my name until I answered. I don't have anything in my room to kill myself with, in case you haven't noticed."

"Has that thought crossed your mind?" Dr. McIntyre asked.

"No. Why can't you just medicate me, and send me home with a script? I will see Dr. Burke every day if that's what it takes."

"It's not quite that easy, Kate. Why don't you want to hold Hope?"

"I told you, she's not happy with me. Castle's the baby whisperer. They've always liked their dad better when they were babies."

"Kate, sit down," Dr. McIntyre urged her as she once again sat on the leather sofa. "There is no doubt in my mind that Hope has missed her mother. For nine months, she lived inside of you, learning the sound of your heart. She doesn't understand that you're having a rough time at the moment. All she cares about is she isn't feeling your heart beating against her when she's nursing."

"I can't nurse her, anymore. I just can't."

"And that's okay. All that I'm asking is for you to hold her for one minute. Nobody's going to leave you alone with her. You're not going to do anything to hurt her."

"I can't. My hand—"

"We have a solution for that," he walked over and brought a huge round pillow over to her and placed it in her lap. "Now, I'm going to have Rick put Hope on the pillow. All that I want you to do is put your hand on her stomach for one minute. At the end of the minute, Rick will take Hope back. One minute, Kate. Not a second more. You can do this."

Kate was shaking so badly that she thought she was going to be sick. She watched Rick take Hope from the baby carrier, cradling her and bouncing her until she stopped crying before gently placing her in the center of the pillow. Hope was still hiccupping, her little chest jumping with each hiccup. Normally, Kate would find these little sounds cute or funny, but right now she just found all of this terrifying. Finally she took a look down at the pillow and saw Hope's eyes focusing on her, like she was asking where her mother had been. Kate lifted her shaking hand and placed it on Hope's stomach, gradually moving it a little so that she could feel Hope's heart beating under her fingers.

Castle could barely breathe as he stood there watching his wife and their two-week-old daughter. He saw Kate looking down at their daughter with that look of love and awe that she always wore when looking at their kids. But he also saw the terror that lurked beneath the surface. He finally stepped forward and took Hope from the pillow, giving Kate a small smile. "I'm always telling you that you've got this. We're going to work through this."

"Rick, I don't know what I did, but I know that I want to come home. You can sign me out of here and let me come home. Ari and Jack must miss me. Please, Rick?"

"I wish it was that easy, Kate. You're signed in here. There's nothing that I can do about it."

"You got a court order?"

"I didn't but Dr. Burke did. I can't sign you out, Kate, as much as I really want to."

"You are ruining my career."

"We've talked to Chief of Police Gates. It's going to be all right. You have to get better before you can come home."

"Rick, I think that it's time for you to go because Kate and I have work to do. I'll see you tomorrow at the same time. Rick will come back later this afternoon so that you can visit, Kate. Is that all right?"

"Can you bring Ari and Jack?" Her eyes begged him.

"Not today. Soon, I promise," he sat down and reached for her hand, smiling when she put her hand in his. "You'll be home before you know it. What was it that you told me before? That you just wanted to put in the time and do the work? That's all that you have to do this time, too."

"Can you bring me some snacks? The food is awful here. I'm allowed snacks, aren't I?" She looked at the doctor.

"Yeah, you're allowed snacks. Rick, you need to go. You're going to see Kate later."

"Right," he kissed Kate on the forehead before getting up and slipping into his coat before grabbing the baby carrier. "I'll see you this afternoon."

Kate watched Castle leave the room before turning her attention back to her new therapist. "Are you ever going to tell me why I'm here? You said something yesterday about me being drunk and pissed off when I was brought in. I haven't had anything to drink in almost a year."

"You don't remember renting a car and driving up to Lake Placid?"

"I drove to Lake Placid? To my father's cabin? And I had booze with me?"

"A bottle of Scotch and a bottle of Tequila. Your blood alcohol was over the limit. You tore up the stitches in your hand. You said you couldn't open the bottles, so you ripped open your hand. But, we're going to talk about Hope's condition and the letter that you got from the parole board. I think those were the catalysts that landed you here."

"Did I hurt anybody?"

"Besides yourself? No. Kate, what is your last clear memory before waking up here?"

What was the last thing that she remembered? That awful Friday, the day that they'd received the diagnosis from Dr. Sayid regarding Hope and she'd received the letter about Josh. How long ago had that been? A week? Longer? No, it couldn't have been longer. Dr. McIntyre had told her that Hope was two weeks old. Or she would be. What day was today? "What day is it?"

"Today is Saturday, the 21st."

"So, Hope is almost three weeks old?"

"Yes, she's almost three weeks old."

"She has an appointment with her cardiologist soon. I have to get out so that I can be there for it."

"We'll work on that, Kate. What is your last clear memory?" He repeated.

"The day that we saw Dr. Sayid and he told us about Hope. Then we came home and I got the letter from the parole board. I don't remember much after that. I drove to my father's cabin?"

"Yes. Those two things together must've felt like a punch to your gut."

"Yeah, it did."

"Who's in prison?" Kate looked at him with stark terror written all over her face. "You got a letter from the parole board. Who's in prison that you're so afraid of?"

"Josh," she got up and began to pace the room. "He was threatening my children."

"Is that why he was in prison?"

"No. But he was threatening my children. I remember that."

"How could he threaten your children, Kate, if he's in prison? Did you hear him saying things to you?"

"I'm not crazy."

"No, but you were hit with two traumatic events in a single day. That would be enough to throw anybody off of their game. Postpartum events have nothing to do with being crazy. When you have a baby, your hormones go seriously out of whack."

"Yeah, I know. I read all of the brochures. I couldn't have heard Josh saying things to me because he's in prison."

"Yes, he is. But you heard him telling you to do things to your children."

"No, not to _all_ of my kids. Just Hope. What if she doesn't get better? He told me that it would be better if she died."

"Do you believe that?"

"No, of course not! I didn't do anything to Hope, did I?"

"Rick seems to think that might be why you fled to your father's cabin. Were you afraid that you would hurt her if you stayed?"

"No! No! I would _never_ lay a hand on my babies! Oh my god!"

"Why don't we stop for right now? You can go to your room to rest before lunch or you can go out to the common room. Group is at three. I'll make sure that you have a schedule by the end of the day."

"Shouldn't we talk more about this?"

"We will, Kate. We'll be having lots of sessions. I don't want to overwhelm you during your first session."

***CCC***

After leaving the hospital, Castle drove to Dr. Burke's office. His receptionist smiled when he entered the office with the baby in tow. "I'll let Dr. Burke know that you're here."

"Thank you."

A moment later, Dr. Burke opened his door and motioned for Castle to come inside, closing the door behind the both of them. "I'm sorry that I've brought Hope. I really needed to give my mother a break."

"There's no need to apologize, Rick. How is Kate?"

"I don't know. She seems better, I guess. We actually managed to get her to hold Hope for a minute. She's upset because she can't come home."

"That's to be expected. How are you holding up?"

"It's hard. I feel like I'm doing this by myself all over again."

"Rick, you're not parenting your children alone. Kate will be home soon and when she returns home, she's going to once again be your partner in every way, including raising your children. Let's talk about your anger toward her."

"I told you—"

"And I _told_ you that I understand your anger. I know that you know that Kate wasn't responsible for her behavior, but it still makes it hard not to be angry at her."

"She said some awful things that night at the cabin. She said things that weren't true and that's what I'm having a hard time forgiving."

"Rick, you have to remember that she said hurtful things because she felt that we were all conspiring against her. Words were her way of fighting back."

"I never kept Meredith from Alexis. Meredith made that choice."

"Just like you would never keep Kate from her children. But when you feel that you're being attacked, especially by more than one person, you fight back in whatever way you're able. At that moment, in her drunken state, words were Kate's weapons."

"I just thought that we had moved past the running and the hiding when Kate felt like she couldn't cope. And now I find that she's still willing to do it if things get rough."

"Rick, you're failing to remember that Kate wasn't herself. While it's true that you've both got much better at communicating with each other, for whatever reason this time Kate felt that she needed to run. Hopefully you'll learn the reasons for that soon after a few sessions with Dr. McIntyre."

"How do I know that this won't happen again? How do I know that once she's home, Kate won't once again go off of the rails and do something to herself or one of the kids?"

"With medication and intensive therapy, Kate will be fine. However, she's probably going to be advised not to have any more children. Because postpartum depression has a high rate or recurrence and it can get far worse if it happens again."

"Well, we'd already talked about Hope being our last baby. I can always go and get a vasectomy. I can even get it while Kate's in the hospital."

"Why don't you wait until she's home so that you can rationally discuss it? How are Ariel and Jack?"

"I don't know. They're upset because their mother hasn't come home. I explained to them what's going on, but I'm still not sure that they understand. I'm taking them to see Dr. Franklin on Monday after school."

"The good thing is that children are wonderfully resilient and much more forgiving of their parents' sins than we adults are."

"Are you saying that I'm not forgiving her?"

"In the past, you've forgiven Kate of many things. Kate's even told me that your ability to so easily forgive her is one of the many things that she loves about you. I'm just wondering if you're feeling quite so forgiving this time. That's something that we'll talk about on Monday."

***CCC***

Kate walked into the room where her group therapy session was to take place. Just as she'd pictured it in her head, there were six women sitting around a semi-circle on metal folding chairs. They all looked at her when she walked into the room. "Ladies, this is Kate," Dr. McIntyre introduced her. "Please have a seat, Kate. You'll learn everybody's names soon, but for now, let's get started. Who wants to begin?"

"How about the new girl?" An African-American woman in her early to late 30's pointed at Kate. "I think New Girl should start. Tell us about yourself, New Girl."

"That's not how we do it, Nadine, and you know it. You'll all hear from Kate, but not today. Alison, you look upset. Would you like to tell us what's on your mind?"

Alison was a tall, thin redhead in her late 20's. She reminded Kate in many ways of Alexis. She was sitting in her chair with one foot propped in the seat and was gnawing on her thumb nail. "I went in front of the judge yesterday. They won't release me. And my ex filed papers . . . he took my kids! I'm not allowed to have any contact with them! I can't even call them!"

"Can he do that?" Kate spoke up. "What did you do?"

"Hey, New Girl!" Nadine shot back. "We don't ask that here! It don't matter what she did. Her ex is an asshat for not letting her see her kids."

"They don't see that I'm on medication. They don't read the reports that you shrinks send. He's always been against me. Isn't there anything that you can do, Dr. Mac?"

"I sent my report to the judge, Alison. It's no longer in my hands. When do you see the judge again?"

"Three months."

"Then, you'll have to work that much harder. Lizzie, how are things going with you?"

Lizzie was the young woman that Kate had met that morning at breakfast. "My boyfriend and his mother are promising to bring my baby boy here on Thanksgiving."

Kate blocked out the sound of Lizzie's chatter as she fought to comprehend what was going on here. Was she going to have to go in front of a judge to get out of this place? Had Castle filed papers to take the kids away from her and either raise them himself or give them to Alexis and Brian? Was she going to be here for months like Alison? "What're you thinking about, Kate?" She stared at the doctor, like a deer caught in the headlights. "You looked to be a hundred miles away."

"I'm just confused. How long am I going to be here?"

"Did you hurt one of your kids?" One of the other women, an older woman in her 40's spoke up. "If not, once you're stable on meds, they'll probably release you. If you hurt or killed one of your kids or somebody else, chances are you'll be here until you either die or they decide you're well enough to go to prison."

"What'd you do to your hand?" Nadine asked.

"I . . . I can't remember."

"The meds haven't kicked in, yet. Once they kick in, you'll go nuts with the memories coming back to you."

"Sometimes it's better to not remember," another woman chimed in. "Especially if you did something awful."

Group was enlightening, to say the least. After the session broke up, Kate left the room with Nadine trailing behind her. "The good news is, you ain't been on the news. That means they got to you in time. Which is good. It means you'll probably only be here a week, maybe two at the most. How many kids do you got?"

"Three."

"I had three, too. Two boys and a baby girl. I had the postpartum depression bad with my younger son. When he was four months old, I got pregnant with my little girl. The depression got worse. I didn't know what it was. My own mama said it was just baby blues and to get over it. She said all women get them. One day the police came because my neighbors saw my oldest son digging through the trash. They got to my younger son in time, but my baby girl . . . she died. I just quit feeding 'em and no one in my family was around to help."

"I'm sorry."

"Sometimes it's hard to realize that you need help."

"What about—"

"The baby daddies? They weren't around. I'm here because I got a good, decent judge who realized that I needed treatment, not prison. I hope to get out of here one day and be a better mother to my two boys. But I miss that sweet baby girl every day. I'll never be able to forgive myself for what I did to her and her brothers."

"I'm afraid to even hold my baby."

"But at least you've got your baby to hold again. Not everybody gets that second chance."

***CCC***

Castle arrived back at the hospital after dropping the three kids off with Lanie and Esposito, who had willingly agreed to tackle the task for a few hours. He felt awful farming his kids out to friends, but his mother deserved the break. She was an old woman and taking care of two kids and a new baby was too much for her.

Kate smiled when she walked into the visitor's room and saw him. "Hi," she greeted him. "I'm glad that you came back."

"I told you that I would. I brought you some stuff to eat," he handed her a canvas grocery bag. "There's some peanut butter crackers and of course, M&M's and gummy bears. Let me know if you need more and I'll bring you something else. I also stashed some books in there."

"Castle, I'm sorry."

"I know, Kate. You just need to work on getting better."

"I am," she nodded. "I already feel so much better. Maybe I can come home for Thanksgiving."

"Kate, Thanksgiving is in six days. There's no way that you're going to be that much better by then. But I'll see if I can bring all three of the kids up here for the day. We'll have some kind of a Thanksgiving meal here."

They stopped talking when they heard loud, raised voices nearby. Kate turned her head and saw that it was Lizzie. She was arguing with a Hispanic man and an older Hispanic lady. "Daniel, you promised! You promised that you'd bring Eli on Thanksgiving! You can't keep my baby from me!"

"You're not well enough to be near him, Elizabeth," the woman shouted back.

"Kate? Kate?" Kate turned to look at Castle. "Come on, let's move over there." He got up and offered Kate his hand. "I'm not those people. I'm not going to keep the kids from you."

"I'm sorry, Rick, but after the stories I've heard today, how do I know that I can believe you?"

 **A/N #4: The kids see Dr. Franklin in the next chapter.**

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	14. A Reunion

**DISCLAIMERS: The show still isn't mine.**

 **SUMMARY: The children begin seeing Dr. Franklin and Kate gets a visit from an unexpected person.**

 **A/N #1: The buzz that this story has generated has been phenomenal. I want to thank everybody for the reviews, follows, tweets, and favorites.**

 **A/N #2: To refresh everybody's memory, Dr. Franklin is the therapist who treated Ariel in 'In A Castle Dark or a Fortress Strong.'**

 **A HOLE IN THE HEART**

 **CHAPTER 14: A Reunion**

"Is this doctor going to give us a shot?" Jack asked, as he sat in the backseat of the car on Monday afternoon.

"He doesn't give shots, Jack. Dr. Franklin has a lot of toys in his office. You'll like him," Ariel told her brother.

"Why do I have to go? I'm not sick. Sissy isn't sick."

"He just wants to meet you and talk to you, Jack. There's nothing to be scared of," Castle tried to calm his son's fears.

Castle had talked to Dr. Franklin on Friday morning, explaining to him everything that was going on. Dr. Franklin had told him that for the initial meeting, he wanted to talk to both of the children together so that they wouldn't have a fear of being separated from each other.

Twenty minutes later, Castle stepped off of the elevator with the two children and led them into Dr. Franklin's reception area. "Hi, Ariel," the pretty brown-haired receptionist greeted them when they walked in. "I haven't seen you in a long time. Hello, Mr. Castle. I'll let Dr. Franklin know that you're here."

"Thank you," Castle smiled before bending down to whisper in Ariel's ear. "What is her name? I don't remember it."

"Amber," Ariel whispered back. "But she used to have pink hair. Remember?"

"I remember."

"Can I have pink hair?"

"When you're 20."

"Very funny," Ariel rolled her eyes as the office door opened and Dr. Franklin walked out. "Hi, Dr. Franklin!" She ran over and hugged him.

"Hello, Ariel. I see that you brought someone with you today," Dr. Franklin stepped up to Castle and Jack, who immediately hid behind his father. "Hello, Mr. Castle," the doctor shook Castle's hand before kneeling down and peering at Jack. "You must be Jack. I've heard a lot about you. I understand that you like Superheroes. I happen to have some Superhero figures in my office. Would you like to come and see them? I can never tell who's who. Maybe you can help me out."

Jack looked up at his father, then at the doctor, and then back up at Castle, who nodded encouragingly at him. "It's okay, Jack. Go help the doc out. Ariel's going with you."

Jack followed Ariel and Dr. Franklin into the office where he spied the table full of action figures. To him, this was almost as good as FAO Schwarz. "Wow! You have everybody!" He ran over and picked up his favorite, Spiderman. "Look, Sissy! He has the biggest Spiderman in the whole world!"

"No, he doesn't," Ariel disagreed. "Macy's Parade has the biggest Spiderman in the whole world. Don't you remember?"

"You like Spiderman, Jack?" The doctor casually observed the two children.

"He thinks he _is_ Spiderman," Ariel huffed out her indignation as the doctor laughed.

"I understand that you have a new baby sister. What's it like to have a new baby in the house?"

"She cries and poops a lot," Ariel walked over to play with the giant playhouse.

"I have to protect her," Jack piped up. "If I don't protect her, then mommy will hurt her."

"Daddy said mommy won't hurt her anymore, Jack. The doctor is making her better. She's getting medicine now."

"What if the man in the black coat comes back and tells mommy bad things again?"

"Josh was in mommy's head," Ariel argued back. "Grams and daddy said so. Mommy's going to come home and she's going to be fine."

"Do you miss your mom, Ariel?" Dr. Franklin asked.

Ariel didn't say anything, but the mournful expression in her huge eyes told him volumes. "I don't miss her," Jack announced.

"That's a horrible thing to say!" Ariel ran over and shoved her brother, causing him to topple over. "Take it back!"

"Whoa!" Dr. Franklin quickly came between the two battling siblings. "Ariel, maybe you should apologize to your brother."

"No, I won't!"

"Ariel—"

"I'm not apologizing!"

"That's not what I was going to suggest. I was about to say that I think it might be a good idea for you to wait with your daddy while I speak to your brother for a bit." He walked over to the phone on his desk and picked it up. "Amber, will you get Mr. Castle from the media room? I'm going to send Ariel out to him."

"Why do I have to stay and Sissy doesn't?"

"So that you can say whatever is on your mind without someone disagreeing with you."

After sending Ariel out of the room, Dr. Franklin sat down near Jack. "Jack, are you mad at your mommy?"

"She shouldn't have tried to hurt Hope. That was a mean thing to do."

"Have you talked to your daddy or anybody else about why you're mad at your mommy?"

"Daddy's always busy with going to see mommy. He's there every minute now. I try to help my Grams with Hope."

"I'm sure that you do. Do you want to see your mommy?" Jack thought for a second before nodding his head. "It's all right to be angry at your parents. You know that, don't you?"

"If mommy tries to hurt me, I'll just run really fast to get away."

"Are you afraid that mommy is going to hurt you or Ariel when she comes home from the hospital?"

"I told you, she won't hurt me because she can't catch me."

"Because you'll run really fast."

"No, because I'll have my spider webs in my arms and I'll shoot webs and swing away."

"That sounds very exciting. I know that you don't understand why your mommy acted the way that she did, Jack, but I can promise you that she's getting better and it will never happen again."

"She made my daddy mad. Grams is mad at her, too. I heard her telling Lex that when mommy comes home, she'll have to sleep with one eye opened. People can't do that. You have to close both eyes when you go to sleep. Is she going to come home pretty soon?"

"I don't know, Jack. You'll have to ask your daddy."

"What are these toys?" He walked over and picked up some G.I. Joes from a shelf. "Army men, right? These are way cool," he grinned.

"Those are G.I. Joes. I used to play with them when I was a kid. Jack, would you like to come back and talk to me again? I mean, I still need help naming all of the Superheroes. You seem like you'd be the perfect man for the job."

"I'm not a man," Jack scoffed. "I'm just a little kid."

"Well, then you're the perfect kid for the job."

"Okay, but don't let my sister in here. She's mean. But don't tell her that I said that."

"Your secret's safe with me. Come on, let's go and find your daddy." Dr. Franklin walked out with Jack just ahead of him. "Amber, why don't you go and see if you can find some cookies for Ariel and Jack while I talk to Mr. Castle?"

"Come on, you two. I think there are some chocolate chip cookies in the break room."

Castle followed Dr. Franklin into his office and sat down in a chair across from his desk. "Ariel didn't really open up a lot, which didn't surprise me. She was like that when I saw her before. I'd like to see Jack a few more times."

"Why? Is he okay?"

"I want to begin by saying that your son is extremely bright. Talking to him, I found it hard to believe that he's not quite four years old. He's able to articulate himself quite well. However, I don't feel that his fears are being listened to at home."

"I don't understand where you're going with this."

"Did you talk to him following the incident that you told me about where he walked in on his mother when she had her gun?"

"I wasn't sure what to say to him about it. I told him that his mother was seeing things that weren't there. I didn't know what else to say."

"He worries that when his mother returns home, she might try to hurt him or his sisters. He also worries about the 'man in the black coat' coming back. He also says that both you and his grandmother are angry at his mother."

"I'm working through those issues. My mother . . . well, let's just say she's not too keen on seeing a therapist at this point."

"Jack needs to be assured that when his mother returns home; she's no longer a danger to him or to his siblings. He also needs to know that you're going to remain a family."

"I was planning on taking him and Ariel to see Kate on Thanksgiving. Do you think that I should rethink that?"

"Have you already told them that you're taking them?" Castle nodded. "Then, keep your word. It's important right now that you don't let them or Kate down. Gauge their reactions to her, Mr. Castle. My practice won't be opened on Friday, but call me over the weekend if you have any concerns. I'll see Jack again next Monday."

"Thank you."

Castle was thoughtful during the drive home. He felt like if his plate got any fuller, he'd go insane. He was getting up at five in the morning so that he could make sure that the kids got up and off to school before going to the hospital with Hope for their daily session with Dr. McIntyre. After that, it was time for his session with Dr. Burke. After that, he was able to grab a quick bite before picking Ariel up at school. After that, it was home for homework and dinner with both kids before going back to the hospital to see Kate for an hour or so. Now to learn that he was going to have to figure in a way to get Jack to Dr. Franklin. Just the thought was exhausting.

Kate was making progress, which was encouraging. She still wouldn't willingly pick Hope up, but she'd hold her on her lap for several minutes now. During their last appointment, the doctor had pulled Castle aside and told him that he was hopeful that she could be released within the next week to 10 days. He was happy to hear it, but also worried because Hope had an appointment with Dr. Sayid for the following Friday.

Martha got up to greet them when they walked into the house from the garage. "I just put the baby down. How did it go?"

"It seemed to go pretty well. Dr. Franklin wants to see Jack again next Monday," Castle walked into the kitchen with his mother on his heels. "He seems to feel that Jack has some anger issues that need to be addressed."

"Our Jack? Jack is the sweetest little boy on the planet. He doesn't have an angry bone in his body."

"He also doesn't feel that Jack's being listened to here at home. Has he said anything to you, Mother?"

"He's said that he misses his mother, but we all miss Katherine, Richard."

"We'll talk about this later. I need to make them dinner, and then I need to have a talk with Jack, _and then_ I need to go see Kate."

"Richard, you're exhausted. Surely Katherine will understand if you stay home for just one night."

"In Kate's current mental state, skipping a visit is probably not a good idea. Speaking of which, I think that you should come with us Thanksgiving Day."

"I've already promised Alexis that I'd help her prepare dinner for Brian's family. You are still coming over after your visit with Kate?"

"Yes mother, I too have made promises. I still think that you should think about talking with Dr. Burke."

"And I've already told you how I feel about that."

"Just one visit, Mother. It won't kill you. You might even found out things about yourself that you didn't know."

***CCC***

"That is one man that I would never sling out of my bed," Nadine and Kate were watching 'Dirty Dancing' in the common room. "What about you? I mean, I've seen your man and I've got to say that he's hot and all that, but would you trade him for Patrick Swayze if he walked into the room right now?"

"Oh, I don't know. Patrick's a great dancer, but Castle's also not a bad dancer."

"He really wrote books based on you?"

"A whole series of them. I can have him bring you signed copies."

In the few days that Kate had been attending group, her and Nadine had become friends. The younger woman reminded Kate a lot of Lanie when they were younger. She had learned that the women on this floor were facing a transitional period. Some would be there a short time and released to return home; while others were waiting to see if they would be transferred to the long-term floor or in the worst cases, transferred to prison to serve out sentences. Nadine was waiting to go before a judge in a few weeks to see if she'd remain in the hospital or go to prison for the death of her one-year-old daughter.

"I don't read much, but I suppose if they ship me off to state, I'll need something to do to pass the time. If they send me to prison, will you come and visit me?"

"Yeah, I'll come and visit. But Nadine, you said that judge realized that you were sick."

"The judge saw that I was sick and the doctor that I saw after it happened saw that I was sick. But my family," Nadine shook her head, "they all think I'm a baby killer. My mama has my boys. She wrote me and told me that if I do get out, I'll never get them back. Maybe that's for the best. Three babies in five years. I didn't have my shit together."

Listening to Nadine, Kate realized that without a strong support system, that would've been her. She knew that she'd said some awful things to Castle that night at the cabin. Words that she could never take back, no matter how much she wanted to. "It'll work out," Kate wiped at her face, causing Nadine to chuckle. "What's so funny?"

"Girl, I didn't mean to make you cry. How many people came to get you from that cabin?"

Kate laughed as she remembered telling her tale that day in group. "Let's see; there was my husband, my regular therapist, my father, and two of my friends."

"They all love you. If they didn't love you, they wouldn't have cared enough to go after you. I tried to get my family to help before all of this happened. I remember calling my older sister and telling her that the kids were driving me crazy with all of the constant crying and the mess. She told me 'They're little kids. They're supposed to make you crazy. It's what they do.' But after they found my five-year-old digging in the trash and the police came, Lord, have mercy! You should've heard them all then. 'We didn't know it was that bad. If we'd known, we would've stepped in.' Yeah, sure they would have."

"You don't belong in prison, Nadine. None of the women here do."

"No, there's some here that do belong in prison. Not all of us suffered from postpartum depression. You see women here sometimes who kill their baby because they just can't stand the crying any longer. That has nothing to do with depression. That has to do with being mean. Sometimes I think I'd sell my soul to the devil just to hear my baby girl laugh just one more time. She had a crazy laugh," Nadine smiled in remembrance. "She'd laugh and then everybody would be laughing."

"My son has a laugh like that. I miss my babies. I miss listening to the chaos at home."

"And you miss that man of yours. Admit it."

"Yeah, I miss him, too," Kate smiled wistfully.

"I knew it," Nadine shoved at her. "You're thinking about him right now; about what you're going to do to him with he takes you out of here."

"Is that all that you think about?" Kate laughed.

"Pretty much. Which explains why I had three kids under five."

Kate's spirits were still high when Castle arrived a couple of hours later. "How's it going?" He asked when they sat down in the visitor's room.

"I'm feeling better. I don't feel so fuzzy. How's it going at home?"

"It's hard," he admitted. "I miss you. The kids miss you. Hope has an appointment next Friday with Dr. Sayid. Are you going to be okay with that?"

"Yeah. I'm hoping that I'll be home so that I can go with you. Dr. Mac said I might be able to get out early next week."

"Yeah, he told me. He said that you're getting the stitches out of your hand tomorrow."

"I can't wait," she smiled. "Rick, I remember what happened that night . . . at the cabin. I'm so sorry. I never meant to hurt you."

"We both said some things that night that we never meant. But it's going to take some time for the sting of those words to go away. When I said that I despised you, I didn't mean that to come out the way that it did. I didn't despise you so much as I despised your actions."

"I was scared. I thought that all of you were trying to keep me away from my kids. I see it in here every day, Rick. You saw what happened with Lizzie the other night. And she's like me. She didn't do anything. Someone got to her in time, but her boyfriend and his family got a court order. She can't see her son unless it's supervised and then it's for one hour one day every two weeks. I knew that you could do that to me."

"But I wouldn't do that to you, Kate. I wouldn't do that to you just like I didn't do that to Meredith. I will never, no matter what happens, take our kids away from you."

"You're still bringing them on Thursday? They're going to have a meal in the cafeteria. Of course, I'm not sure how good it's going to be," she made a face as Castle laughed. "Is your mother coming, too?"

"She's going to help Alexis make Thanksgiving dinner for Brian's family."

"Oh god, I've made such a mess of everything," she looked up and took a deep breath.

"Yes, but we're going to fix it. It's just going to take a little bit of time."

"Thank you, Castle," she leaned her forehead against his, breathing in the scent of him.

"For what?"

"For not giving up on me."

"I told you a long time ago that I'll never give up on you until you tell me that I should."

When Castle got home later, his mother was in the living room reading. "Hello, Richard. How is Katherine?"

"She's slowly returning to normal," he sat down and looked at her, watching as she put down her book. "Mother, for this to work, the whole family needs to put in the work. I don't want to bring Kate home next week and feel your anger and resentment—"

"Richard, I've never—"

"Please let me finish," he held out a hand out. "I know that you're angry. Hell, we're all angry. But Kate is trying. I know that what they call postpartum depression wasn't as well known when I was a baby. I know that they used to refer to it as 'baby blues' and just assumed that all women eventually got over it. It wasn't until we started hearing these horror stories on the news that it came to light as a serious medical condition. I want you to see Dr. Burke. Just talk to him one time. I didn't realize that I was so angry at Kate until I talked to him. She loves you. She doesn't want you to hate her for what she's done."

"Richard, I could never hate her. I'm just so frightened. What if it happens again?"

"Dr. McIntyre has assured me that with the medication and continued therapy, it won't. But you have to come to terms with your feelings before I bring Kate home. She can't come into a house filled with fear and resentment."

"All right. I'll see Dr. Burke."

"Thank you, Mother. Now, which of my children is in your bed tonight?"

"Richard, it's so hard to tell him no."

"I know, but you're going to have to. Once you return to the city, he won't be allowed in mine and Kate's bed. Now, I'm going to go upstairs and take my son back to his bed."

He walked into the guestroom where Jack was fast asleep with his elephant clutched to his side. He mumbled sleepily when Castle picked him up into his arms and walked down the hall to his bedroom, placing him in his bed and covering him. "Daddy, I have to sleep with Grams. I have to be near Hope if she needs me."

"Buddy, I know that you think that you need to protect Hope, but you need to stay in your own bed. Soon Hope will be in her room and you'll be closer if you stay in here."

"Daddy, is mommy going to get her gun back?"

Castle sat on the edge of the bed and lifted Jack up, placing him in his lap. "Jack, your mommy was sick. That's why she was acting so weird. But now she's getting medicine and she's getting better. You don't have anything to be afraid of. Are you worried that mommy is going to hurt you or your sisters?" Jack slowly nodded his head. "That's not going to happen. Your mommy loves you and your sisters so much. She can't wait to see you. She misses you so much."

"What if she hurts you, daddy?" Jack cuddled into his father's chest.

"That won't happen, buddy."

"You pinky swear, daddy?" Jack's voice was fading as his body sagged heavily against Castle's chest.

"Yeah, little man," Castle carefully placed Jack back in his bed, covering him with his Spiderman comforter and making sure his elephant was in easy reach. "I pinky swear." 

He then went next door to Ariel's room, smiling at his daughter soundly sleeping with both cats curled up at her feet. He then went downstairs and checked the messages on his phone. He saw that he had one from former Captain and now Chief of Police Victoria Gates. He quickly called her back, speaking to her for several minutes before hanging up, taking a shower and wearily climbing into bed.

***CCC***

"Kate!" One of Kate's least favorite nurses called out her name. "You have a visitor! Make it snappy because you still have a session with Dr. Mac to get to."

"Right," Kate figured that it was probably either Castle or her father, since they were the only two people who visited her. But she was surprised when she walked into the visitor's lounge and found Chief of Police Gates sitting there. "Sir? Wow, I was expecting Castle or my father."

"I called Mr. Castle last night and asked if it was all right if I visited. It is all right, isn't it?"

"Yes, of course. I'm just . . . floored," Kate sat in one of the chairs.

"I heard about what happened and I wanted to make sure that you were all right. I also wanted to assure you that as far as the NYPD is concerned, you're still on maternity leave. We don't want you returning to the job until you're 100 percent."

"Thank you, sir. I appreciate that. I have to admit that I was worried about that."

"You didn't fight when you were confronted. The situation might've been different if you had resisted in any way. I understand that you're going to be seeing the children on Thanksgiving Day."

"Yeah, Ari and Jack. Castle's been bringing Hope up here every morning so that I can bond with her once again, but I haven't seen Ari or Jack since this happened. What if they hate me?"

"They're not going to hate you. It might be hard on them, at first. But once they see that you're the mother to them that you were before this happened, they'll come around. The important thing is to give them some time and space."

"You sound like the voice of experience," Kate watched the expressions on her boss' face change. "It happened to you, didn't it?"

"Not quite as badly as what you've experienced. It's hard for women who are used to being in complete control, like you and me, to encounter things that we can't control. Like newborn babies," Gates smiled. "I came through it and so will you."

"I'd love to sit and chat, but I have to see my therapist in about 10 minutes. Thank you for coming. I should be home early next week."

"Call me and we'll talk about your return to active duty."

"I will, sir."

***CCC***

Thanksgiving morning, Kate was sitting anxiously in the visitor's room with some of the other women who were waiting for their families to arrive. She didn't see Nadine, which concerned her, but suddenly her thoughts were filled with the people that she wanted to see more than anything in the world. Castle had dressed up all of three of the kids, which made Kate smile. But her fingers itched to hold Ari and Jack. She knelt down on the floor and opened up her arms to them. Ari hesitated for half a second before running and throwing herself into her mother's arms, both arms and legs wrapped tightly around Kate. "Mommy! Mommy! Mommy! I missed you so much, mommy!"

"Oh, I missed you, too. Let me look at you," Kate pulled Ari away so that she could look at her. "Oh, you look so pretty."

Jack was standing beside his father, who was holding the baby carrier with one hand and Jack's hand with the other. He stood there, watching his mother with his sister. "Jack," he looked up at his father, "go and see mommy. She's missed you."

"Jack?" Kate kept one arm around Ari, but held her other arm out toward Jack. "Jack? I missed you, little man."

"No, daddy," Jack hid his face in Castle's leg. "Can we go home now?"

 **A/N #3: The next chapter will pick up where this one left off.**

 **A/N #4: There is now a light at the end of the tunnel. At least for this part of the story.**

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	15. Damage Control

**DISCLAIMERS: Nope, I still haven't had a visit from AWM.**

 **SUMMARY: As Kate prepares to leave the hospital, she attempts to come to terms with the damage that she's done to her family.**

 **A/N #1: This chapter picks up where the previously one left off.**

 **A/N #2: This is going to be a long chapter because I have a lot of stuff to cover.**

 **A HOLE IN THE HEART**

 **CHAPTER 15: Damage Control**

Kate still had her arms around Ari and both of them were staring at Castle, who had placed the baby carrier on the floor and was now trying to comfort Jack, who was clinging to him like his father was a life preserver. "Jack, it's okay," Castle tried soothing the little boy with softly whispered words. "Let's go over and see mommy. Come on," he managed to shift Jack to his hip before picking up the carrier and walking over to Kate.

Kate couldn't stop the tears that were running down her face. "Don't cry, mommy," Ari hugged her mother. "I still love you."

Those words only made Kate cry harder. Castle was at a loss for words. Fortunately, he was rescued by the appearance of Dr. McIntyre. "What seems to be the problem?"

"Jack hates mommy," Ariel said. "And now everybody's upset."

"Well, we can't have that. I'm Dr. Mac. What is your name?"

"Ariel Castle."

"And what is your name, young man?" The doctor asked Jack, whose response was to hide his face in his father's shoulder.

"That's Jack," Ariel answered.

"I have an idea. Why don't we all go somewhere where it's quieter?" Dr. McIntyre motioned for the family to follow him down to his office.

"Don't you ever take a day off?" Castle asked when they walked into the office.

"I had an emergency, so I came back here. Mr. Castle, put Jack on the floor."

"No!" Jack howled.

"Jack, I'm the doctor who's making your mommy better. You believe me, don't you? Why are you afraid?"

"She hurt Hope and she ran away from home."

"Jack, I'm so sorry," Kate's voice was barely above a whisper. "I never meant to hurt you or your sisters."

"Your mommy loves you and your sisters, Jack," Dr. Mac explained to the little boy, who was finally watching his mother with wary eyes. "That's why she's here. I'm helping her to get better so that she can go home, hopefully very soon."

"Is she getting a lot of shots?"

"No, baby," Kate smiled. "We talk a lot."

"Oh, like Dr. Franklin. He has Spiderman and I.G. Joes."

"G.I. Joes," Castle corrected Jack with a smile.

"That's what I said, daddy."

"Do you want your mommy to come home, Jack?"

"Can she come home today?"

"Not today, but hopefully in a few days."

"I thought that we were bringing her home today!" He began howling again, kicking his feet against his father's shins. Kate could see Castle wince in pain at the contact.

"Kate, your son needs you," Dr. McIntyre told her. "How do you normally deal with him when he's like this?"

Kate looked like she'd been shell-shocked. Jack normally didn't throw tantrums. He was a calm, go with the flow kind of a kid. But he was also a small boy who'd been through a hell of a lot in just a few short days. She got up and walked over to where Castle was sitting with Jack, who was still kicking and screaming. "Jack? Hey, Jack? Come here," Kate managed to take her kicking, squirming son from his father and held him close, breathing in the scent of him. "Oh my sweet, sweet boy," she couldn't stop kissing him all over his wet face until he finally stopped squirming and pulled back to look at her, his brows scrunched up.

"Mom, why are you kissing me all over?"

Kate couldn't help but laugh through her tears. "I've missed you. So, so much."

"Then come home."

"Sweetie, I wish that it was that easy. Dr. Mac doesn't feel that I'm quite ready to come home. I know that you miss me. I miss you, too."

"Can you come home tomorrow?"

"Not tomorrow, but probably early next week."

"Will you be home for my birthday?"

"I'll definitely be home by then."

"Can we have pumpkin pie now?"

"Yeah, I think that we can go and have pumpkin pie now," Kate managed to laugh.

After a Thanksgiving dinner that was only slightly better than Kate thought that it would be, Ariel and Jack went to play with some of the other children that they'd met during the meal, which allowed Kate and Castle a chance to talk. "I talked to your dad last night. He said that he'd be by later this afternoon."

"Thanks," she smiled. "Rick, has Jack been like this since I've been here?"

"I don't know. He didn't really open up about anything until I took the kids to see Dr. Franklin on Monday. Dr. Franklin said that he doesn't feel that we listen to Jack at home. But Jack's not like Ariel. She's the talker. Jack's more like you," he smiled. "He holds things pretty close to the vest."

"We'll just have to make more of an effort to draw him out when I come home. I can't wait to come home," she was almost giddy with the thought.

"I can't wait to have you come home. I'm glad that you're feeling better."

"So am I," she looked over to where Ariel and Jack were playing. "But I messed up so badly, Rick. How am I going to make it up to them? To you?"

"You don't anything to make up for, Kate. You weren't responsible for what happened. You can make things better by coming home and loving all of us. That's all that you need to do."

Hope began to cry, so Castle removed her from the carrier. "I need to change her. Or do you want to take her?"

Kate looked at the crying baby and immediately began to feel anxious. "No, you'd . . . you'd better take her. You can take her over there," she pointed to a corner of the visitor's room.

Castle grabbed the diaper bag before walking over to the corner. He placed the changing pad down on the battered sofa and then put Hope down on it. He quickly changed her before walking back over to where Kate was sitting with Jack in her lap. "Mom, can I have some I.G. Joes for Christmas?"

"G.I. Joes, son," Castle gently corrected him once again.

"Daddy, that's what I said," Jack argued.

"We'll see if Santa Claus can bring you some G.I. Joes," Kate kissed her son's hair, inhaling the once again familiar aroma of shampoo.

It was close to three o'clock when it came time to leave. Both kids clung to Kate and cried as Castle got them into their coats. "I'll see you tomorrow," he kissed her softly. "Come on, guys. Mommy will be home in a few days."

After they left, Kate went to her room and cried for the next hour. "It's hard," she looked up and saw Nadine standing in her doorway. "It's hard. That's why I stayed in my room. I couldn't sit out there and see all of those babies. How is your little boy and girl?"

"My son didn't want anything to do with me at first. Dr. Mac came out and helped with that. I just want to get home soon so that I can make everything better."

"I hope that you can make everything better. Maybe Lizzie's right. Maybe it is safer to just stay in here. In here nobody judges you. After all, we're all here for the same reasons."

"But, isn't staying in here forever like hiding? You could get out of here, Nadine, and start your life over. You're going to find someone who loves you—"

"Women like me don't find the 'happily ever after,' Kate. I dropped out of school in the 11th grade. I worked a bunch of crap jobs and met three different men who all promised me the same thing. That they loved me, that things were going to be good. Then I'd get pregnant and they'd bail. Even if I did get out, my mama isn't going to let me see my sons again. I'm always going to be that woman who starved her kids."

"Nadine, you sound like you're giving up."

"I'm not giving up, Kate. I'm being realistic. I'm happy that you're going to get out of here to go home to your babies. But your babies are all still alive. There are women in this place who will never see the light of day again because our babies are dead."

"Nadine, you were suffering from postpartum psychosis, the same way that I was. The only difference being that you had no one around to see that you needed help. While it's true that I get to go home to my babies, the damage that I've done isn't going to be so easily repaired. My three-year-old son walked in on me pointing a gun at his baby sister's bassinet. I would've probably shot her if he hadn't intervened. But that image is going to remain in his brain for a long time. I can help you get an attorney, so that you can get visitation with your sons. You're in treatment. That has to count for something."

"I can't let you pay for a lawyer. I want to see my boys. But right now I need to work on fixing me. Maybe once I feel that I'm fixed, and then I can work on convincing my mother."

"Well, do you want to go and see if there's any pumpkin pie left?"

"The hell with the pie. I want to see if there's any cookies left," Nadine laughed as Kate got off of the bed and the two women went in search of dessert.

***CCC***

"How was your visit with Rick and the kids?" Jim Beckett asked Kate as they sat across from each other at one of the tables in the visitor's room.

"It was good, but it was hard all at the same time. Castle is trying so hard."

"So are you, Katie. You're here and you're putting in the work."

"Jack had a massive fit. If it hadn't been for Dr. Mac, I don't know what would've happened. And then Hope—"

"What about Hope?"

"I still can't bring myself to pick her up when she needs me. What am I going to do when I go home and I have to take care of her if Rick or Martha aren't home? I can't leave her crying until someone comes home."

"And you won't. Katie, your mother left you alone with me when you were about seven or eight weeks old. She had some errands to run and it was just too cold to take you out. Up to that point, I'd never had to care for you. Your mother assured me that you would most likely sleep the entire time that she was gone."

"Let me guess," Kate smiled. "I woke up the second that mom stepped out."

"Pretty close to that. I had no choice but to go in and take you out of your crib myself. I didn't even think about it. I just did it. And that's what you're going to do, too. How was Jack once he calmed down?"

"He was great," Kate's smile was huge. "He announced that he wants I.G. Joes for Christmas."

"Don't you mean G.I. Joes?"

"Dad, that's what I said," Kate said in a perfect imitation of her son.

***CCC***

"I'm glad that Rick finally convinced you to come in and see me," Dr. Burke smiled at Martha, who was sitting rather stiffly across from him.

"I still don't understand why I'm here. I've always believed in solving my own problems."

"I'm not necessarily going to solve your problems, Ms. Rodgers. I've talked to Kate and Rick in the past. I'm working with Rick now, as a matter of fact. Let's talk about your relationship with Kate. How do the two of you get along?"

"Oh, Katherine and I have always gotten along splendidly. I knew that someday she and Richard would get together. But—"

"But?" Dr. Burke looked at her with a raised eyebrow.

"She's hurt Richard so many times in the past. He has loved her for such a long time."

"She's loved him for a long time, too. You're worried that she's hurting him again now?"

"He's running himself ragged. He wakes up with the kids, he's taking care of the baby, he's going to visit Katherine. It's not like it was when he was taking care of Alexis. He was so much younger then."

"Do you worry that Kate will leave him alone with the three children like his first wife did when she left him with his oldest daughter?"

"I try not to think about that. Katherine is so much different than Meredith was. I know that Katherine absolutely adores being a mother. But what happens if she flips out again?"

"Ms. Rodgers—"

"Please, call me Martha."

"Martha, it's highly unlikely that Kate will revert back to the behavior that landed her in the hospital."

"Richard said that she's on medication. Will she be on medication for the rest of her life?"

"No. At some point, Kate will be weaned off of the lithium, but she'll probably continue seeing her therapist for the next several months. However, I'm sure that she will also be told not to have any more children."

"It can happen again if she has another child?"

"The chances are very high."

"I worry about what will happen when she comes home. I haven't gone to visit her. It's not because I don't love her . . . I do. I'm just not sure what I'm supposed to say to her."

"Why don't you and Alexis go visit her together? I understand that she hasn't been to see Kate, either."

"What do we do if she's angry with us?"

"Don't you think that Kate has the right to express her anger, just as you and Alexis have every right to be angry with her? There's nothing wrong with being angry, Martha. But there's something that you need to be asking yourself," he gave her a pointed look. "Are you worried that she's going to hurt the children or that she's going to hurt Rick again?"

***CCC***

Kate had just finished telling Dr. McIntyre what had happened when Josh had abducted her. He handed her a box of tissues so that she could blow her nose. "How long was it before you were found?"

"Five days. He drugged me and repeatedly assaulted me over that period. He filled my head with all kinds of garbage about Rick. How can I make sure that he doesn't get out of prison?"

"You tell the parole board the same thing that you just told me. Let's talk about yesterday and Jack's reaction to seeing you. How did that make you feel?"

"Upset, of course. I'm not used to my children shrinking away from me."

"The day that we spoke for the first time you talked a little bit about your relationship with your children. You said that your feelings for Jack are different than your feelings for Ariel. You said that sometimes watching Jack was like watching a stranger. What did you mean by that?"

"Right after I got pregnant with Jack, the man who was responsible for my mother's murder went on trial. Everybody told me not to attend the trial. My doctor, my dad, Castle. But I had to be there for my father. They had found a tape . . . I didn't want my father to be alone when they played that tape."

"The stress must've been hard to take."

"I went into pre-term labor twice. After the second time, my doctor put me on strict bed rest. But one day, while everybody was out of the loft I went to the courthouse. That was the day that they played the tape. I passed out at the courthouse. Castle was furious when he found out what I had done. We fought constantly during the entire pregnancy. He accused me of not caring about our baby."

"And was he right?"

"No! I wanted this baby more than anything in the world. He was out of town when I learned that I was having a little boy. He rushed home. I was so sick from the magnesium sulfate, but I remember showing him the sonogram. His whole face lit up with joy. I loved knowing that I was responsible for making him that happy."

"But why do you feel estranged from your son?"

"I had to have an emergency c-section. Afterwards, I started hemorrhaging. I didn't get to see Jack until he was almost a day old. I didn't get the experience that I got with Ariel's birth or even Hope's. When they were born, they were immediately handed to me. Jack won't let me cuddle him unless he's sick. Ari always wants to be loved on, even now as old as she's getting to be."

"Little boys are very different from little girls. I think if you ask most mothers of little boys, they'll tell you the same thing; that their sons don't like to loved on."

"How do I fix things when I go home?"

"The wonderful thing about children is they have this amazing ability to bounce back. When you come home and they see that you're the same mom that you were before this happened, they'll settle in. How do you feel about going home?"

"I'm a little anxious," she admitted. "I mean, don't get me wrong, I don't like this place, but here everything is structured. At home—"

"Things can be a little chaotic?"

"Yeah," she nodded.

"Take your medication the way that you're supposed to and keep coming to therapy. You're going to be fine. And I think you're going to handle the situation with Josh just fine. Like I said, tell them the same thing that you just told me."

"Thanks, Dr. Mac."

Later that afternoon, Kate was in her room doing a crossword puzzle that Castle had given her on one of his last visits. She looked up when one of the nurses stuck her head in. "You have visitors."

"Is it Rick and my dad?"

"No, two redheaded women. One of them looks like Martha Rodgers. You know; the Broadway actress."

"That's because it is her!" Kate threw down the book and leaped from the bed. "She's my mother-in-law!"

"Of course she is," the nurse scoffed.

Martha and Alexis hadn't visited in the week that Kate had been in the hospital. She ran down the hall to the visitor's room, stopping short when she saw her mother-in-law and her stepdaughter, although she'd never thought of Alexis in that capacity before. "Martha? Alexis?" Kate ran over and embraced both women. "Oh, thank you for coming. I thought that you both hated me."

"No," Martha was the first to break free and she gently cupped Kate's tear-streaked face. "No, darling. I could never hate you. We've just been so worried about you," she looked at Alexis, who fervently nodded.

"Dad said you're doing better. How are you feeling?" Alexis asked.

"Better," Kate smiled before wiping at her face. "Especially now that the two of you are here."

"Richard said that the food in here is dreadful, so we brought you these," Martha handed her a cardboard box of pastries.

"I'm going to gain 20 pounds before I get out of here," Kate laughed, accepting the box gratefully.

"We told dad that we were coming, and he sent this," Alexis handed Kate a small book. "Don't ask me what it is. Do you know when you're getting out?"

"Hopefully Tuesday or Wednesday. How's the baby? I see her every day, but how is she?"

"She's fine," Martha patted Kate's hand. "All three of the babies are just fine. They miss their mother."

"I miss them. So much," tears leaked from her eyes as Kate impatiently brushed them away. "I can't begin to tell the two of you how sorry I am—"

"Katherine, don't," Martha pulled her close once again.

"That wasn't you," Alexis added. "We all know that wasn't you." 

"Thank you so much for visiting," Kate began to sob as all three women huddled together, holding each other. "I just want to go home and make everything right. To Rick, to my babies, to you."

"And you will," Martha assured her.

The visit brightened Kate's mood considerably. She was still smiling when she went back to her room. She propped her pillow against the metal headboard and settled against it before opening the small book that Alexis had handed her. It was about the size and thickness of a diary. Opening it, she smiled when she saw Rick's familiar handwriting on the inside of the front cover.

 _My beautiful, extraordinary Kate,_

 _Even though I know you'll be coming home in a few days, I thought that I'd send this instead of waiting to present it to you when you come home. Please know that I mean every single word that is written in these pages. I can't tell you enough that you are extraordinary._

 _Rick_

At a party once, Rick's agent, Paula, had told Kate that 'Heat Wave' had been a love story under the disguise of a crime novel. Flipping through the pages of the diary, Kate realized that 'Heat Wave' had nothing on what she now held in her hands. What she was holding was truly a love story. What she was holding in her hands told her far better than anything Rick could possibly say that he had forgiven her. She just hoped that she was worthy of his forgiveness.

 **A/N #3: Kate goes home in the next chapter and I'll try to add some cheer to the mix.**

 **A/N #4: I got the 'I.G. Joes' from a Bill Engvall comedy routine.**

 **A/N #5: I apologize for how long it's taken me to post. I like to stay two chapters ahead and I struggled with Chapter 17 and then my peeps said it needed some tweaking, so I tweaked it.**

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	16. Homecoming

**DISCLAIMERS: I don't anything that you would recognize.**

 **SUMMARY: Kate returns home and begins trying to integrate herself back into her life at home.**

 **A/N #1: Thank you for all of the great reviews for the previous chapter. And welcome to all of my new followers.**

 **A/N #2: From here on out, I will be including excerpts from the book that Rick sent to Kate. So things will now be starting to get a bit fluffy.**

 **A HOLE IN THE HEART**

 **CHAPTER 16: Homecoming**

Kate was curled up on her narrow bed, with Rick's book clutched tightly in her hand. She loved reading his words and always had. There was a piece of paper clipped to the first page. She removed the page and opened it, smiling when she read it.

 _Kate,_

 _You are probably asking yourself when I started writing the entries in this book. I started writing this about the time that I decided what the number one item on my bucket list was. I debated whether I wanted you to read my thoughts. But since you always seem to know what I'm thinking, I decided that it was time to let you know how I've felt over the years. I love you and I will always love you._

 _Rick_

"I love you too, Castle," she whispered, closing the book and her eyes, allowing sleep to overtake her.

***CCC***

"Rick, I wanted to see you without Hope and without Kate this morning. I've got her release papers, but there's one thing that I'm still concerned about," Dr. McIntyre had Castle in his office the morning before Kate was due to be released to go home. "While Kate has been very good about holding Hope, she still hasn't picked her up. At some point, you're going to need to put her in a situation where she's forced to pick her baby up."

"I don't want to push her—"

"Rick, I know that you're worried about upsetting her, but let's be realistic here. You or Martha isn't always going to be in the house to help her with the kids. Kate is going to have to start mothering her children again. And that includes taking Hope from her crib, changing her and feeding her."

"What if this pushes her over the edge again?"

"Rick, Kate is doing wonderfully. She has to know that you trust her with the kids, but she also has to learn to once again trust herself with them. This isn't going to happen if things are done _for_ her. I'm not saying that the second that you bring her home tomorrow that you should leave her alone with the baby. What I'm suggesting is that you give your mother a timeline in which she needs to return to her own home and her own life. Ease Kate back into caring for the baby. Does Hope still wake up in the middle of the night?"

"Yes. I give her a bottle at around 11 before I go to bed and then she wakes up at around three or so. I give her another bottle, and then she wakes up right after I get the kids up for school."

"I'll be talking to Kate in a little while and I'll help her come up with some sort of a schedule to help her get back into the swing of things. But believe me when I tell you that Kate is doing great and I don't see any further problems. Have you told the kids that their mom is coming home?"

"No, I didn't want to get their hopes up just in case things fell apart."

"Things aren't going to fall apart, Rick. Of course, I want both of you to continue with therapy and Kate will stay on the lithium for right now. But I only see bright things in the future."

"Thank you."

***CCC***

"How do you feel about going home?" Dr. Mac asked Kate an hour later.

"Anxious, terrified. I feel like I'm going to be put under a microscope."

"By whom?"

"Everybody," Kate played with a loose thread on her sweatshirt, wrapping it around her index finger. "What if I mess up again?"

"Kate, you're doing very well. You're not going to mess up. It's going to be scary and uncertain when you first go home, but you were a great mom before all of this happened. There's no reason to think that you won't be a great mom once again."

"Will I still be attending group?"

"Yes. You and Rick will come in to see me twice a week and you'll attend group once a week. At some point, both sessions will stop, but I think we'll both know when it's time to end them."

***CCC***

 _April 2009_

 _I've done something that Kate might never forgive me for if she finds out. I asked Espo for the file on her mother. I could see the pain in her eyes when she told me about her mother's unsolved murder. There is one part of me that knows that what I've done constitutes an extreme invasion of Kate's privacy. But if I can find something that the original detectives missed, then maybe I can take some of that pain away._

Kate remembered how angry she had been when Rick had told her about getting the file from Esposito. She remained angry for months. She stayed angry until the Jack Coonan case. Castle had been able to discover stuff that the detectives had missed; as did Lanie, who noticed the wound similarity between Coonan and her mother. If it hadn't been for Castle, they never would've found Bracken and never would've got justice for her mother. Kate would be grateful for that the rest of her life.

"Hey," she looked up and smiled at Nadine standing in her doorway. "I just wanted to drop by and see you before you leave here tomorrow."

"Nadine, I was going to say goodbye to everybody in the morning."

"I'm not big on goodbyes, Kate. You go home and take care of those babies," she sat on the edge of Kate's bed. "Dr. Mac talked to my mother."

"That's great or is it?"

"No, it is," Nadine gave Kate a small smile. "She's agreed to come in and talk."

"Nadine, that's great!"

"She even told him that she'll bring me some pictures of the boys. Dr. Mac is hopeful that eventually she'll bring them to visit."

"Just keep putting in the work, Nadine. That's all that you can do."

"You too, girl."

***CCC***

A cold, drizzly rain was falling the next morning when Castle took Kate out of the hospital and over to his car for the long ride home. "Where's Hope?" She asked, noticing instantly that he hadn't brought the baby with him.

"I left her home with Mother. It was too cold and wet to take her out. We have an appointment on Friday with Dr. Sayid. If you're not ready, I can take her by myself."

"No," Kate shook her head. "I need to go with you."

"Also, Dr. Caldwell called and said that you missed your appointment for your post-natal checkup. I rescheduled you for next Wednesday."

"Does she know where I was?"

"I just told her that you were sick. You can explain everything if you want to when you see her. Kate, you didn't do anything to be ashamed of. Please remember that."

"I know. It's just going to take some time. Do the kids know I'm coming home?"

"No, I wanted to surprise them," he grinned as she smiled back. "Mother will be returning to the city tomorrow after I take the kids to school. I didn't want you to feel like your every move is being scrutinized."

"Thank you," she reached over and squeezed his hand before turning her attention to the passing scenery. It felt wonderful to be able to see more of the world than the four walls of her hospital room.

It took a little over an hour to get to the house. Rick pulled into the garage and turned off the engine before looking at Kate. "Welcome home," he leaned toward her and kissed her. "I missed you so much."

"I missed you, too."

Martha enthusiastically greeted Kate when they walked into the house. "Welcome home, darling!" Martha hugged Kate. "Hope is asleep. I am going to go upstairs and pack my things."

"I thought you weren't leaving until tomorrow," Kate was puzzled.

"I think that you and Richard need your lives back. I will call tonight to see how you're feeling. I will come by with Alexis and Brian this weekend."

"Wow, I wasn't expecting that," Castle said. "I'm going to take your bags to our room and then I'll make us some lunch."

Kate waited until Castle had left the room before walking upstairs to the guest room where Martha was putting her things into a suitcase. "Martha, it would mean a lot to me if you'd stay until tomorrow. Rick had already told me that you were going to go back to town after he took the kids to school. I know that the kids love having you here. I don't want them to come home and find that you left without saying anything."

"Are you sure?"

"Believe me, I'm positive," Kate smiled.

"Then I will stay until tomorrow. Now, why don't we go and check on Hope?"

Kate's heart began pounding at the mere thought, but she remembered what Dr. Mac had told her about the fact that she was going to have to start taking care of Hope. She took a deep breath before following Martha to the bedroom at the very end of the hall. She smiled when she looked at the bright room with Hope's name spelled out in huge block letters on the wall. They walked over to the crib and looked down at Hope, who was sleeping with both tiny hands on either side of her head, her small lips puckering in her sleep. Kate reached down and straightened the yellow blanket that was covering her. She turned when she heard Castle's familiar footsteps. She leaned against him when he wrapped his arms around her, and pressed his lips to her forehead. "Are you hungry?"

"I am starving," she turned in his arms. "I'm really looking forward to food that has some taste to it."

"How about chocolate chip pancakes?"

"Oh, yes," she rested her head on Castle's chest. "Can you add bacon, eggs, and hashed browns, as well?"

"Yeah, I can do that," he chuckled. "Come on, let's go and feed you."

After breakfast was over and the dishes cleaned up, Castle left the two women to go and get Jack from school. Both women were still enjoying their coffee at the dining table when Kate heard Hope's cries over the baby monitor. "I'll go and get her," Martha patted Kate on the shoulder. "You'll have plenty of time to bond once again after I'm gone. I think that Richard and I can handle things for one more day."

Kate took lithium to calm her shaking nerves. She knew that she couldn't mess up again. There was no way that she was ever going back to that hospital. Martha returned downstairs moments later with a tightly swaddled Hope, who was crying and waving her arms in the air, clearly upset. "I can hold her while you make a bottle, Martha," Kate offered.

"She's fine. I've got her," Martha began walking past her.

"Martha, please give me my baby," Kate's voice was insistent. "I promise that I'm not going to hurt her."

Martha turned and looked at Kate, whose lower lip was starting to tremble. "I'm sorry, darling. I know that you're not going to hurt her," Martha walked over and carefully placed the baby in Kate's outstretched arms. "Let me warm a bottle for her."

Kate looked down at the screaming baby in her arms. "Shh, Hope. It's okay. Mommy's here." When her soft voice did little to calm Hope's frantic screams, Kate began to hum, much like she always had when she nursed her.

Martha was impatiently waiting for the bottle in the microwave to warm. At first she could still hear Hope's cries, but then the crying stopped. Martha felt her heart start to pound in her chest and she raced back to the dining room, expecting the worst. Instead, what she saw brought tears to her eyes. Kate was slowly rocking back and forth in her dining chair, softly humming to the baby. Just then, the microwave beeped, so she quickly went and got the bottle. "Kate, would you like to take Hope into the living room where you can be more comfortable?"

"I think I'll let you feed her. But, at least she still likes my humming," Kate managed a smile.

"Of course she does, Katherine. She loves you," Martha took Hope and put the bottle in her mouth.

Kate was watching Martha with the baby when she heard the door from the garage leading into the house open and close, followed seconds later by small footsteps. At first, Jack stood in the doorway between the dining room and living room, his blue eyes huge at the sight of his mother. Then with a loud shriek and pounding footsteps, he ran and leaped into Kate's arms, his small arms clutching around her neck. "Mommy! Mommy!"

Kate couldn't even talk because she was crying so hard. Jack felt so sturdy and warm in her arms, his four limbs wrapped around her. After several minutes, she finally managed to pull him away so that she could look at him. "I missed you so much. Did you miss me?" She asked as he nodded fervently. "Daddy said that you've been a really good boy. He said you've been a huge help."

"I feed Royal by myself and everything."

"I'm so proud of you."

"Is Josh going to come back and say things to your head again? Will you have to go away again?"

"I'm taking medicine to make sure that I don't hear Josh, anymore. I'm not going to go anywhere, Jack. I'm sorry that I scared you. I'm sorry that I scared everybody."

"Jack, let's go have lunch so that mommy can relax a little."

"No," Jack cuddled closer into Kate. "I'm staying with mommy."

"He's okay, Castle. When he gets really hungry, he'll go and eat."

For the rest of the afternoon, Jack stayed close to Kate. He went and got his backpack full of action figures and climbed into her lap where he happily played, leaving only long enough to go to the bathroom, after which he'd immediately return to Kate's lap. Castle knew that his small son had to be starving, but he decided that this was a situation in which he had to pick his battles. So, shortly before he left to get Ariel from school, he brought in a plate with some cheese and crackers, along with some fruit and a glass of milk. At least that way he knew that Jack would eat something.

Martha was upstairs and the baby was asleep when it came time for Castle to leave to get Ariel from school. "Kate, I'm going to go and get Ariel. Are you and Jack going to be okay?"

"We're fine. Martha is upstairs if I need her."

"Okay," he kissed her first and then his son. "I'll be back as soon as I can. Call if you need anything."

After Castle left, Kate reached down and picked up the plate of snacks he'd left. "Jack, you need to eat something," she handed him a strawberry before taking one herself. "Daddy makes good snacks, huh?" She smiled as he nodded before picking up some cheese and giving that to him. "Here, drink some of your milk," she gave him the cup.

She settled back against the sofa cushions, growing drowsy as she listened to Jack playing with his action figures. She wasn't even aware that she'd fallen asleep until she felt Jack jump off of her lap and run to the door leading to the garage. "Sissy, come see! Mommy's home! Come see!"

Kate sat up, shaking the cobwebs from her head. She smiled when she saw both kids standing in front of her, Jack, still clearly excited; and Ari, staring at her in disbelief. She watched Ari look at her father before looking back at Kate. "Are you just visiting?" Ari asked. "Are you going to have to go back on Monday?"

"No, baby," Kate reached for her, puzzled when Ari took a step back, the exact opposite of the way that she'd reacted on Thanksgiving Day. "The doctor said that I was well enough to come home."

"For real? You're not leaving us again?"

"Ari, I'm not leaving you, Jack, or your daddy again."

It was only then that Ari walked over and threw her arms around Kate. She reached her hand out for Jack and pulled him into her other arm, breathing in the familiar scent of both kids, crying when she felt them latch onto her so tightly that she could barely breathe. "I missed both of you so much."

"I think mommy's homecoming calls for a celebration," Castle announced. "Do we want pizza or Chinese?"

"Pizza!" Both kids chorused as Kate began to laugh.

"Pizza sounds great to me, Castle," she looked at him while still holding both kids to her.

During dinner, the two kids chattered like magpies while Kate couldn't stop smiling. She didn't think that it was possible to miss anybody as much as she'd missed her family. After dinner was over, Castle took the kids to give them baths, allowing Kate a chance to relax and catch her breath for a little while. She was still sitting at the table with Martha, each of them enjoying a chance to unwind from the day; Kate, with a glass of soda and Martha, with a glass of wine. "Thank you, Martha."

"For what?"

"For being here and helping Rick with them. I know it hasn't been easy. It made me realize that I was lucky to have family who would back me up. Some of the women I met in the hospital weren't that fortunate."

"How are you feeling, Katherine? Honestly?"

"I'm happy to be home, but I can't help thinking—"

"That it'll happen again?" Martha guessed as Kate nodded. "It won't. When Alexis and I came to visit the other night, I knew the moment that I saw you that you weren't the same woman that you'd been two weeks ago. I knew that instead you were the woman that Richard had married and who had given birth to his children."

"That other me must've been awful."

"Yes, she was," Martha admitted. "But now you're back home and you're going to get back into the swing of things. It's not going to be easy, but you'll figure it out."

Kate knew that the kids were going to be difficult to get into bed, but between her and Castle, they finally got both of them settled in for the night. After tucking them both in and kissing them goodnight, she went downstairs to their bedroom and fell across the bed, exhaustion radiating off of her in waves. "I had forgotten how hard it can be to get them into bed some nights," she had one arm over her eyes when Castle entered the bedroom.

"It makes you want four more, doesn't it?" He teased, laughing when she raised her arm to glower at him. "No, it really doesn't. Hey, there's something that we need to discuss, but we don't have to get into it tonight."

"I'm easy prey, Castle. I'm exhausted, so you can tell me anything and I probably won't fight or disagree with you on the issue."

"I know that we talked about Hope being our last baby—"

"Yeah, we did," she sat up. "Castle, what I said about having another baby to replace her . . . that wasn't me talking."

"I know," he was quick to soothe her. "I know. Dr. Mac told me that if you were to have another baby, the postpartum depression would probably return. He said it would probably be worse. I was thinking that I would get a vasectomy. That way we wouldn't have to mess with birth control."

"Do we really have to discuss this now?"

"No, but it's something that we should talk about soon. I love you, Kate."

"I know. I love you, too. And I want nothing more than to make love with you, but we'll figure things out. Right now, I would love to take a shower without someone standing outside and yelling at me to hurry up."

"Shit, that place must've felt like prison to you."

"Some parts of it were kind of like prison. But for the most part, I had the freedom to do what I wanted. So long as I attended my therapy sessions, I was left alone. And I know that it's still early, but I'm really, really tired."

"You go and take a shower while I make sure that the house is locked down for the night," he pulled her close and kissed her, smiling when he felt her hands grasp the back of his shirt. "I love you."

When Castle walked into the kitchen to check the back door, he was surprised to find Martha looking out on the backyard with tears streaming down her face. "Mother, what's wrong?"

"Richard, I'm so ashamed of myself," she sobbed before turning into Castle's arms. "I gave Kate the baby this afternoon while I made her a bottle. Hope was screaming the way she always does when she thinks we're taking too long with her bottle. But then she stopped screaming. I thought . . . I thought . . . oh my god!"

"You thought that Kate had hurt the baby?" Castle guessed as Martha nodded against his chest. "Mother, you have nothing to be ashamed of. It's going to take all of us a little time to let our guards down again. Just keep telling yourself that the woman I put in that hospital wasn't our Kate. It's going to be okay."

"I just feel so ashamed for thinking that she'd hurt her baby! I'm so sorry, Richard."

"It's all right, Mother."

Standing under the pounding water of the shower, Kate held her face up to the spray, welcoming water that was a consistent pressure and wonderfully hot. The only thing missing was having Castle in here with her. While she washed, she thought about what he'd said earlier about getting a vasectomy. One part of her would welcome never having to take a pill ever again. But she wasn't sure she wanted to put Rick through the pain of being cut down there.

When she came out of the bathroom following the shower, her hair wrapped in a huge, fluffy towel, she smiled at Castle stretched out on the bed. He held her hair brush up in the air, patting the bed in front of him. Her smile was huge as she crawled up between his legs and felt him remove the towel and rub the excess water from her hair before he carefully began running the brush through it. "I've missed taking care of you," his voice was soft while he continued brushing her hair.

"You don't take care of me. We take care of each other," she corrected him.

"I stand corrected," he placed the brush on the bed beside him and wrapped his arms around Kate.

After a few minutes, she extricated herself from his arms and went to get the book he'd sent her. She then climbed into bed and smiled at him before opening the book. "I love my book, by the way."

"I'm glad," he settled against the headboard and propped his laptop on his lap. "Let me know if you want to go to sleep and I'll take this to my office. I usually stay up until after Hope has her eleven o'clock bottle."

"Don't you dare go to your office. I mean it, Castle."

"Okay, I won't go anywhere."

Kate forced herself to relax before turning her attention back to the book in her hand. Instead of reading the entries in order, she decided to flip to a random one. She smiled as she read, glad that she'd made that decision.

 _May 8, 2012_

 _I'm lying here in the wee hours of the morning watching you while you sleep. I think I've pinched myself until I'm black and blue. I can't believe that you're here in my bed. When we parted ways at the end of our very first case, you told me that I had no idea. And you were right. As a writer, I know that there are a lot of adjectives to describe what happened tonight. But not a one of them describes how I'm feeling at this very moment. You are indeed the most frustrating, challenging, maddening woman I've ever met in my life and I so hope that I will get a chance to unravel the mystery that is you. I love you, Kate, like I've never loved any woman in my life._

"You wrote in this the morning after we got together for the first time?" Kate smiled at him.

"Well, it wasn't that my brain wasn't extremely well fucked, because it was," he was quick to point out as she bit her lip, "but it was also full of random thoughts about what had happened. If I didn't write those random thoughts down, they'd roll around like marbles. That's how my writers' brain works."

"I'm still so over the top crazy about you," she moved closer, letting her lips brush over his. "I'm so happy to be home."

"I'm over the top crazy about you, too."

***CCC***

It was the crying over the baby monitor that woke Kate up sometime in the pre-dawn hours. She looked over at Rick, who was sound asleep on his back. 'Maybe Martha will hear her and get her,' she told herself. When the crying continued after several minutes with nobody besides Kate noticing it, she knew that she had to be the one. 'You can do this, Kate,' she bravely told herself before throwing her blankets back and getting out of bed.

She walked into the nursery and turned on the small lamp that was on top of Hope's chest of drawers. She could feel her chest tightening as she fought rising waves of panic. Walking over to the crib, she looked down at the loudly crying baby, who was red-faced with crying and was waving her arms around frantically. "Shh, Hope. It's okay. We're going to get through this, okay?" She suddenly remembered the story that her father had told her about the time he'd been left with her when she was a baby. She reached down and scooped Hope out, holding her to her chest.

Hope smelled her mother's familiar scent and immediately stopped crying. "You still remember me?" Kate asked, her eyes filling with tears.

Downstairs, Castle woke up when he heard something over the baby monitor. Looking at his cell phone, he cursed when he saw the time. He also saw that Kate wasn't in bed. He ran upstairs and down the hall to the baby's room, stopping in the doorway when he saw his wife in the rocking chair, holding Hope and crying like her heart was going to break. "Kate? Kate? What's wrong? Is something wrong with Hope?" He ran over.

"She remembers me, Castle!" Kate sobbed, laying her head on his shoulder. "She remembers me and she still loves me."

"Of course she remembers you, Kate. You're her mother. Listen to me. The kids might not understand what's going on, but they're never going to stop loving you. Neither am I. Would you like to feed her?" His eyes were hopeful as they met hers.

"I would _love_ to feed her. You'll stay with me, won't you?"

"Always," his smile was huge, as was hers. This one small step gave him hope that maybe things really were going to be all right.

 **A/N #3: Things will start to get better from here on out. In fact, I have something very special planned in the next few chapters.**

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	17. Trying to Return to Normal

**DISCLAIMERS: No, the show still doesn't belong to me.**

 **SUMMARY: As Christmas approaches, Kate continues to try to fix her wounded psyche and her family.**

 **A/N #1: This message is for Renee, who sent me a review after reading Ch. 20 of 'Mind Games.' Renee, I would not be insulted at all if you pointed out the grammatical errors that I'm making. I have a feeling I know what one of them is because it's been pointed out to me in the past. But feel free to email me at Wylie dot Cindy at Yahoo dot com. I can't respond to guest reviews any other way. Thank you. Sometimes I need all the help that I can get, especially from an English teacher.**

 **A HOLE IN THE HEART**

 **CHAPTER 17: Trying to Return to Normal**

Kate was sitting at the breakfast table enjoying a cup of coffee while Castle made breakfast for the kids. "Mommy, can you fix my hair?" Ari stepped up to Kate's chair with a brush and two ponytail holders in her hands.

"I would love to fix your hair," Kate smiled, turning so that she could place Ari between her knees and carefully began to French braid her daughter's long hair. It felt wonderful to do something so normal after the craziness of the past couple of weeks.

"Why do we have to go to school?" Jack whined, his lower lip sticking out petulantly. "I want to stay home and be with mommy."

"I'll be here when you get home," Kate reassured him.

"I don't need to go to school," he jumped out of his chair in excitement. "I can spell my whole name and I can count to 30."

"That isn't enough," Ari shook her head, earning a sharp tug on one of her braids from her mother. "Sorry."

"It's okay, just stay still. But Sissy's right, buddy. You need to go to school."

"But, I didn't tell you the best part. I can count to 30 by two's and by three's."

"I'm very impressed, but you still need to go to school." Kate picked up her phone and glanced at it before looking at Castle. "Uh Castle, why do I have 27 missed text messages from Lanie?"

"Oh, I might have mentioned that you had been released. She's been worried about you, Kate. So have the boys. They'd call a couple of times a day and they were a great help with the kids."

"We slept at Auntie Lanie's. She let us have Turtles for dinner," Jack informed his mother.

"What exactly is a Turtle?"

"Vanilla ice cream, pecans, chocolate fudge sauce and whipped cream," Jack looked at Kate as if she were very stupid. "Why won't daddy make us Turtles for dinner?"

"Because daddy likes staying married," Castle tickled Jack, who burst into giggles. "Finish your breakfast and go brush your teeth. We need to leave soon."

"You're all done, sweetie," Kate smiled, acting far brighter than she suddenly felt. "Go and eat your breakfast."

"Thanks, mommy," Ari walked over and took her seat beside Jack.

"How often did you stay at Auntie Lanie's?" Kate asked.

"It was just when daddy and Grams were really tired," Jack said.

"It was no big deal," Castle was quick to tell Kate. "Lanie offered. She said she wanted to give me and Mother a break. Let me go and get Hope dressed."

"Castle, you can leave her here."

"Mother's heading back to the city, so I just thought—"

"Castle, I think that I can handle our daughter alone for a couple of hours. I got up with her this morning, remember?"

With that, Kate got up and quickly left the room. "Did you make mommy mad? Is she going to go away again?" Jack asked, his eyes filling with tears.

"No, buddy. Mommy's not going anywhere, okay? You guys finish your breakfast and then brush your teeth. I'll be right back."

Kate was standing at their bedroom window, staring out at the white landscape. "I don't know how to fix this, Castle. I don't know how to fix us. I want you to trust me again."

"Kate, I do trust you. I'm . . . _we're_ just going to have to readjust. I'm sorry." 

"Hope and I will be fine. I promise that if I need you, I will call you. Or I'll call Dr. Mac. What time is our appointment with Dr. Sayid tomorrow? The reason that I'm asking is I also have to see Dr. Mac and then I have to go to group. How are we going to juggle all of this?"

"Our appointment with Dr. Sayid is at nine. After we get done there, I will take you to see Dr. Mac. While you're with him, I'll get Jack from school. Then we'll pick you up, go have some lunch, take you back for your group session, after which I will get Ariel from school. Then I will pick you up again, we'll come home and have dinner."

"Wow, you've got this all orchestrated, haven't you?" She couldn't help but smile.

"It comes from all of the years spent ferrying Alexis from one activity to another."

"I'll be driving again soon, so that should make it easier."

"I've got a great idea. Why don't you come with me while I take the kids to school? Then we can stop by the 12th to see everybody."

"Castle, I don't know if I'm ready to see everybody. I acted so awful that night at the cabin. I'm so embarrassed—"

"Hey, that wasn't you. The boys understand that. They've been so worried, Kate."

"If they were all so worried, why didn't any of them bother to visit me?"

"I don't know. That's something that you'll have to ask them."

"Did you ask them not to visit?"

"No. Sometimes people don't know what to say."

"I know that, Castle. I dealt with that when my mom died."

"Will you come with me to take the kids to school? We won't go to the 12th if you don't want to."

"Yeah, I'll come with you," she smiled.

The kids were very excited when they learned that their mother was coming with them on the ride to school. "Will you walk us to our class?" Ari begged. "Please, mommy?"

"Yes! Please, mommy?" Jack chimed in.

"Go ahead," Castle beamed at her. "I can wait in the car with the baby."

"Do they know?"

"No, Kate. I didn't take out an ad in The Ledger."

When Castle pulled up in the school parking lot, he put the car in park before looking at Kate. "I'll be back in a few minutes," she took a deep breath before getting out of the car. She opened the back door and helped Jack with the buckles on his booster seat while Ari managed to get herself out. Then walking around and taking Ari by the hand, she walked into the school with a child on either side. Her first stop was Jack's Pre-Kindergarten class, where Jack's teacher was waiting just outside. "Good morning, Jack," she smiled brightly at the small boy.

"Miss Hilary, my mommy brought me to school today. She's well now."

Kate felt like disappearing into the floor. She thought that nobody knew. "I'm glad that you're feeling better, Mrs. Castle. Jack told us that you had been sick and in the hospital."

"I'm feeling much better, thank you," she managed to say after a few minutes. She then bent down so that she was on Jack's level. "I'll see you in a few hours. Be good and have a great day," she hugged and kissed him before standing up and taking Ari's hand once again.

"You'll come and get me, won't you, mommy?" He called out.

"I'll come to get you, Jack. Go inside with Miss Hilary now."

Castle was sitting in the car with the heater running when the passenger door opened and Kate got back in. He could see that she seemed to be upset about something. "Kate? What's wrong?"

"You told me that they didn't know I had been sick. Jack's teacher said that he told his class that I had been sick and in the hospital. You told me that they didn't know!" She shouted at him.

"Kate, Jack's a small boy. He knew that you had been sick. But he thought it was like a cold."

"Are you kidding me, Castle? He saw how I was acting! He saw me pointing a gun at his sister! How is that like having a cold?"

"I know that he saw the way that you were acting, but he doesn't understand mental illness. To him, being sick means that you go to the doctor and get a shot. Believe me; the school doesn't know where you were. There was no reason to tell them. Let's go home and relax for a little while before we have to come back to pick him up."

Castle didn't understand why Kate was suddenly acting so manic again. He had thought that they were past all of that, but he attributed it to the fact that she was still getting used to being home again. He reached across the seat and took her hand in the hope of dissipating some of the tension. She looked at him and gave him a shaky smile before squeezing his hand.

When they got home, Castle took the baby upstairs to change her and put her down for a short time while Kate went to the kitchen for another cup of coffee. Her hand shook as she poured her coffee. She took a deep breath before replacing the coffee pot and taking out her phone. Dr. Mac answered on the third ring. "Dr. Mac, it's Kate Castle."

"Kate, we have a session tomorrow. What's wrong?"

"I don't know. I feel out of control. I feel like everybody is looking at me and judging me."

"Is that your perception or is that what's really going on? Kate, I wouldn't have signed your release papers if I didn't think that you were ready to go home."

"I just feel so . . . so . . . I feel strange in my own skin."

"That's to be expected from your first few days at home. Have you talked to Rick about how you're feeling?"

"I don't want him to be mad at me."

"Kate, talk to Rick and then we'll talk in the morning. Okay? You're going to be okay."

Kate ended the call and put her phone away just as Castle walked into the room. "I figure that we should have about an hour or so of peace and quiet before Hope wakes up and needs to be fed. Did you want to watch some TV?"

"No," she shook her head, walking over and reaching for Castle's hand. "I didn't mean to get so upset, Rick. I feel like I dumped everything on you and now I can't put things back together."

"Kate, you've been home for one day. Let's go and sit down," he led her into the living room where they both took seats on the sofa. "You didn't 'dump' everything on me. You were getting help. As for putting everything back together, we'll work on that. Give yourself time. Nobody expects you to be your old self right off the bat. We all understand that's going to take some time."

"What if Dr. Sayid gives us bad news tomorrow and it starts all over again?"

"Kate, it wasn't just the bad news from Dr. Sayid and the letter from the parole board that started the depression. Lanie explained to me that it had a lot to do with your hormones. She said that combined with those two bits of news, your psyche just couldn't handle the overload. Your hormones should be almost back to normal. And as for seeing Dr. Sayid tomorrow, I just can't see him giving us bad news. Hope has been doing so well, Kate. I know that you haven't been here to see that, but you will now."

"I just want to stop being . . . a blubbering mess," she wiped at her face, smiling when she felt Castle wrap his arms around her and tug her against his chest, his hands rubbing her back. "I want to do normal family things."

"I have an idea," he pulled away, smiling broadly. "The kids have been driving me crazy about when I'm going to get the Christmas things down from the attic. I can arrange to have someone come to decorate the outside of the house while we decorate the inside. That's a normal family thing, right?"

Kate couldn't help laughing. Her husband loved Christmas. She was surprised that he hadn't already started decorating, because normally the festivities started the day after Thanksgiving. "Were you waiting for me to come home before you started decorating?"

"Well, of course. Christmas decorating isn't the same without you. I really missed you, Kate," his voice was soft as he leaned forward and kissed her.

Kate slipped her arms around his neck, moaning into his mouth at the feel of his lips on hers. She felt his hands, broad and warm, slip under her shirt and up her back. She was just about to get up from the sofa and lead him into their bedroom when she heard a cry over the baby monitor. They were both breathless, but laughing when they broke apart. "Our children have the worst timing _ever_ ," he chuckled, leaning his forehead against Kate's. "I'll go get her if you'll warm up a bottle."

Kate went into the kitchen and warmed up a bottle just as Castle reappeared with Hope in his arms. She bit her bottom lip as she reached out for her. She still felt nervous about feeding the baby, but she noticed that the nervousness wasn't quite as bad as it had been earlier that morning when she'd got her from her crib. "She feels heavier," she smiled at Rick.

"That's because she is. Come on; let's go back into the living room."

Kate followed Castle back into the living room and sat down in the recliner, adjusting Hope in her arms before placing the bottle in her mouth. "Do you think that she looks more like Ari or Jack?"

"I don't know," Rick sat down on the sofa, watching Kate with the baby. "Sometimes she looks like Ariel and at other times she looks like Jack. And then there are times when she looks like Alexis when she was a baby. Your dad says she looks exactly like you when you were a baby. Everybody has an opinion."

"I know that I was only gone for a week and a half, but that was half of her life, Castle," Kate's eyes were watery. "I missed so much."

"Kate, it's okay," he walked over and knelt down beside the recliner. "She's not going to remember."

"But, Ari and Jack will. Is this going to haunt them like my mother's murder haunted me?"

"No," he touched her cheek. "It's not going to haunt them. Now, you need to relax because it's starting to affect Hope," he nodded toward the baby, who had stopped sucking on the bottle and was staring at Kate.

"I'm sorry, sweetie," Kate brushed her lips over Hope's forehead, breathing in the scent of her baby daughter. "She always smells so good, Castle," she smiled at him.

"That's just good old-fashioned Johnson's Baby Lotion.

"Can we take the kids out for pizza tonight? Like I said, I want to do some normal family stuff."

"Yeah, the kids will like that."

They arrived at Marlowe to pick Jack up from school at eleven. Castle put the car in park and looked at Kate. "What're you doing?" She asked.

"Why don't you go inside and get Jack? He'd love that."

Kate got out of the car and went inside to Jack's Pre-K class where she had to weave her way through several small children who were leaving the room. She walked inside of the classroom and smiled at Jack, who was struggling to pull his backpack on over his heavy down jacket. "Hey, buddy? Do you need some help?"

"Mommy!" Jack dropped his backpack and ran into Kate's arms. "You came back!"

"Of course I came back. I told you that I would. Come on; let me help you with your backpack. Daddy's waiting in the car with Hope."

"I'm glad that Jack had a good day today," Miss Hilary spoke up, watching Kate adjust Jack's backpack.

"Has he been having bad days?" Kate asked. She saw Miss Hilary hesitate. "Miss Hilary, I've been in the hospital for the last week. Is that when Jack was having bad days?"

"Mommy, come on," Jack tugged on Kate's hand. "I don't want to get restricted."

"Jack, it's okay," Kate bent down to his level. "It's okay to have bad days. Everybody has bad days sometimes."

"Your mommy's right, Jack. Mrs. Castle, it's not anything to be worried about. Most of it was your typical three-year-old behavior. Tantrums, not paying attention, stuff like that. I did speak to Mr. Castle and he said that he'd talk to Jack."

"And he did," Jack nodded his head, his blue eyes huge. "We talked and talked. I don't want to be restricted, mommy. Come on; let's go home now."

"Thank you, Miss Hilary," Kate helped Jack with his mittens before taking one small hand in hers and leaving the classroom.

"Don't be mad at daddy," Jack looked up at her when they walked out of the school and toward the car. "He told me that he didn't want you to worry."

"It's okay, Jack. I'm not mad at daddy."

Kate was upset with Castle as she walked out to the car with Jack. She knew that he didn't want her upset, but he'd never said anything to her about either of the children misbehaving at school. And she knew from the way that her small son was acting that there must have been some sort of punishment involved. It wasn't often that Castle was required to play the bad cop, but she'd learned that when the need arose for it, he could be quite effective. Alexis had even told her as much.

When Jack got in the car, Castle could see that he seemed upset. "Hey, buddy. How was school?"

"I don't want to be restricted, daddy," Jack whined while Kate buckled him into his seat.

"Jack, it's all right," Kate smoothed his hair before getting out and closing the back door.

"What is he talking about?" Castle asked Kate when she got in the car and buckled her seat belt.

"We'll talk about it later. Jack, how would you like to go and get pizza after Sissy gets out of school? And then, we'll go pick out a Christmas tree," Kate looked at her son in the rear view mirror.

"Yay! Christmas is coming!" Jack immediately cheered up.

"Not right away, but it's getting closer," Castle chuckled as he put the car into gear and left the parking lot.

***CCC***

It was after nine by the time they got back home with the kids that evening. After going out for pizza, they had then gone to see the tree in Rockefeller Center before going to their favorite Christmas tree lot, where they found what they deemed to be the perfect tree for their first Christmas in their new home. They made arrangements with the proprietor of the lot to have the tree delivered on Saturday evening.

"Is daddy putting the train together tomorrow?" Jack asked when Kate came to tuck him into bed. "Will you tell him to wait until I'm home from school?"

"I'll ask him to wait until both you and Ari get home. Okay?"

"Okay, mommy. Mommy?"

"Yeah, sweetie?"

"You're really not going to go away again?"

"Jack, I'm not going anywhere. I want you to stop worrying. Okay?"

"Okay."

"Now you need to go to sleep because it's past your bedtime."

"Okay," he gave her his father's grin. "I love you, mommy."

"I love you too, baby," she kissed his cheek. "Good night."

After checking on Ari and the baby one final time, Kate walked downstairs and into their bedroom where she fell across the bed in exhaustion. "Maybe we did too much today," she heard Castle's voice from the bathroom doorway.

"I had fun. But I had forgotten how exhausting it is being a mom. Castle, why didn't you tell me that Jack was acting up in class?" She forced herself to sit up and look at her husband.

"Because it wasn't that big of a deal and I had been warned to expect it. We had a long chat about it and he lost his tablet for two days. Kate, I didn't say any reason to tell you about it."

"Especially since there wasn't anything that I could do about it, right?"

"Kate, that isn't fair."

"Castle, I had a breakdown! I'm not a delicate flower. I felt like I'd got blindsided when Miss Hilary told me that. From now on, we share everything where our children are concerned. Okay?"

"Okay. I am sorry," he sat down beside her on the bed. "I know you're not a delicate flower. You're the toughest woman I've ever known in my life. Would this tough woman be interested in relaxing in the bath that I drew for her?"

"Oh god, Castle," she sighed, pressing her face into his shoulder. "I can't even remember the last time I got to take a bath. Join me?"

"The next time," he got up from the bed. "I think that you should enjoy this first bath by yourself. I'm going to go and make us some hot chocolate."

Kate smiled before getting up and grabbing the book that Castle had written for her. She went into the bathroom and disrobed before climbing into the tub and sinking into water that was deliciously warm and fragrant with lavender scented bubbles. After getting comfortable, she opened the book once again to a random page. She became wistfully nostalgic as she read.

 _Oct. 11, 2011_

 _I think I knew the instant that you fell in love with me. When that bomb went off and we were all trapped in that bank vault, I had never been so scared in my life, other than that awful morning in the cemetery. When I heard the panic in your voice when you called out my name, followed moments later by the immense relief in your eyes when you found me, I knew that you felt the same way for me that I had felt for you for so long. If it hadn't been for my mother, I think we would've had our first 'real' kiss right there in that bank vault._

Kate put the book on the shelf next to the tub and remembered that day. When that bomb had gone off, she felt like something inside of her had died. She wasn't sure that she could live through losing another person that she cared about. But he was right about one thing. She did come within seconds of kissing him right there in front of the other hostages. She smiled when she thought of the frustrated look on his face when Martha interrupted their moment.

When she came out of the bathroom, Castle was waiting in their bed with two mugs of hot chocolate, complete with a huge dollop of whipped cream. "You were sort of right," she said, getting into bed and snuggling down beside him.

"Sort of right about what?"

"About when I fell in love with you. I was already in love with you when that bomb went off in the bank. I just wasn't ready to admit it. I was still trying to heal after my shooting. I was scared that you were going to reject me if you found out that I'd lied about not remembering."

"I know. I understand that you weren't ready, but I could still read you like a book," he kissed her before handing her a mug of hot chocolate. "I think of all the things that I missed about you while you were gone, I missed this the most. Just the two of us curled up in bed after the kids were asleep, enjoying the peacefulness."

"I missed all of it," she leaned into his shoulder while she enjoyed her cocoa. "I'm so sorry that I let everybody down."

"Kate, no," he forced her to look at him. "You didn't let anybody down. And while I know that you want to do normal family things, I also think you should do some things for yourself. I think that you should call Lanie and get together for a girls day out. She's missed you so much."

"Okay, I'll call her in the morning," she smiled, thinking that a girl's day did sound nice. Maybe she could also invite Alexis and Jenny to come along. Those were the last thoughts on her mind when she handed her empty mug to Castle and prepared to go to sleep.

 **A/N #2: This story took forever for me to finish. I couldn't think of a direction.**

 **A/N #3: There will be more focus on Hope in the next chapter.**

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	18. A Time to Heal

**DISCLAIMERS: No, I still don't own anything other than my 'Castle' related goodies.**

 **SUMMARY: Everybody continues to heal while things slowly return to normal. Lanie and Esposito hatch a plan for their friends to have some much needed alone time.**

 **A HOLE IN THE HEART**

 **CHAPTER 18: A Time to Heal**

Kate and Rick were sitting in Dr. Sayid's waiting room with several other parents and their children. Kate was sitting with her head resting against Castle's shoulder, fighting to keep her eyes opened. The night before she hadn't slept well, her sleep peppered with nightmares. She'd awakened when she felt Castle get out of bed to get the baby shortly after three in the morning and had been unable to go back to sleep, so she'd laid awake thinking about the entries that she'd read in Castle's diary. Many of them made her smile.

 _Times that I found you just too adorable for words_

 _The time that you met Joe Torre. That was the first time that I'd ever seen you the least bit flustered about anything. And then there was the time that we were in L.A. trying to find Royce's killer and we both met Gene Simmons. The look on your face was just too adorable for words._

 _But the day that I found you the most adorable of all was the day that Ariel was born and you held her in your arms for the first time. Kate, you've often told me how sexy fatherhood looks on me, but seeing you with our children never ceases to make my heart skip several beats. You are an amazing mom. Never forget that._

"Are you okay?" She felt Castle's lips press the top of her forehead.

"I'm just tired. I didn't sleep very well last night."

She reached out and touched Hope's long, thin fingers that were clinging to Castle's shirt. Hope was happily snoozing in the Baby Bjorn that was strapped to his chest. They had tried the carrier on Kate, but she was still so nervous that the baby sensed it and began screaming. So they had switched it to Castle and Hope had quickly settled down. Kate looked across the room where another mother was sitting with a small boy of about four. The boy had a distinctive blue cast to his skin, which made Kate wonder if that was what Hope would look like in a few years.

"Hope Castle?" The receptionist called out, looking at Kate.

"It's going to be okay," Castle took her hand and they followed the receptionist to an exam room.

Kate wandered around the exam room, picking up various objects while Castle sat down in a chair and removed the baby carrier from his chest, lifting Hope out of it, smiling as the baby made a face and stretched her arms over her head. He saw Kate startle slightly when someone tapped on the door. "Good morning, Mr. Castle, Mrs. Castle," Dr. Sayid walked into the room with the nurse right behind him.

"Good morning," Castle answered, while Kate just stared at the doctor.

"Mrs. Castle, if you could undress Hope, we can get started," Dr. Sayid looked at Kate, who just continued staring at him. "Mrs. Castle?"

"I've got her," Castle got up and took Hope over to the exam table, quickly removing Hope's sleeper. "Do I need to remove her diaper?"

"No, you can leave that on. The gel is going to be cold, so Hope is probably going to cry. But, she won't be hurt."

"I know. We remember from the last time," Castle looked at Kate, who was still staring at Dr. Sayid. "Kate, I need your help to hold Hope down. Okay?"

Kate finally snapped out of the state that she'd been in and stepped up to Castle's side. Taking a deep breath, she placed her hands on Hope's legs, feeling the baby flinch and hearing her first screams when the doctor placed a dab of gel on her chest and turned on the transducer, smearing the gel over her chest while looking at the video monitor. "There's Hope's heart," he told them as they looked at the image on the screen.

"Is the hole any smaller?" Kate asked; her tone hopeful.

"No, it is the same size. If it gets smaller, it will take some time for this to happen," he turned off the machine and wiped the gel from Hope's chest. "You may get Hope dressed now. I would like to talk to you about performing a coronary angiogram on Hope—"

"No!" Kate's shout filled the small room. "Not a chance in hell!" 

"Mrs. Castle, this will allow us to better see Hope's heart, to see if there is anything else going on that can't be seen on an echo."

"You told us that you wouldn't be performing any invasive procedures on Hope unless you had to. Is this really necessary?"

Castle couldn't understand why Kate was so angry. He wanted the doctor to do whatever he deemed necessary. He was certain that Kate would feel the same. "When would you want to do this?" He asked, earning a glare from his wife.

"Not until after the holidays. Mrs. Castle, often times an Atrial Septal Defect isn't the only defect. And sometimes these other defects don't present themselves right away. I'm only being thorough."

"I've had an angiogram and it was awful. I don't want her to go through what I went through. I don't want her to be in pain."

"I promise you that Hope won't feel any pain. On her next visit, I will set up an appointment to do this."

"You're sure that you need to do this?" Kate asked.

"I wouldn't be advising it if I didn't. For the record, Hope is doing very well. She has gained weight and seems to be thriving. I am very happy to see this. Talk to my receptionist about scheduling Hope's next appointment for early January." 

"Thank you, doctor," Castle placed Hope back into the Baby Bjorn, strapping her to his body before placing a blanket over her.

"You're a good father, Mr. Castle," Dr. Sayid nodded toward the carrier. "Many fathers would find wearing one of those carriers sissy."

"What can I say? I love my kids," Castle managed a smile before taking Kate's hand and exiting the room. "Are you okay?"

"No," she shook her head. "I'm far from okay, Rick."

"Is it the angiogram that has you worried? What happened during yours, Kate?"

"I'll tell you all about it later. Right now, I really need to see Dr. Mac. I promise that I'll talk to you," she pressed up onto her toes and kissed him.

***CCC***

"What happened yesterday that had you so convinced that you're spinning out of control again?" Dr. Mac began their session with Kate's phone call from the day before.

"Being at home is so hard. It was so much easier being here. Nobody judges me here because we're all the same. At home everybody knows what I've done and I feel like they're all watching me."

"Kate, wouldn't you say that being safe here is something of a cop-out? Don't you get the feeling that by wanting to come back here; you just want to hide from your problems?"

"I never said that I wanted to come back here. I just said that it was safe here. This morning Hope's cardiologist told me and Rick that he wants to perform an angiogram after the first of the year. I don't want him to do it."

"Why? It's an excellent diagnostic tool."

"Have you ever had one?"

"No."

"They put a catheter into a vein in your leg and inject dye into it while you're strapped to a table. They then move the table all over the place and take pictures while you get the feeling that you're on some sort of a demented carnival ride."

"You had a bad experience with yours?" He watched as Kate bit her lip and slowly nodded. "But Kate, that doesn't mean that Hope will have a bad experience."

"I was scared and I was alone. I didn't have anybody with me."

"But, Hope won't be. They'll let you and Rick go with her when she has the procedure. You have that right as her parents. Did you not know that?"

"None of my kids have ever spent any significant amount of time in the hospital. Once . . . once when Ariel was a few months old, Alexis and I had to rush her to the ER because she had a really high fever, but she didn't have to stay."

"Where was Rick?"

"He . . . he was on a book tour. He rushed home for a few hours because he knew that I needed him. I'd never been so scared."

"I'm sure. How is it going with the children?"

"Jack's very clingy," she smiled. "He's terrified that I'm going to go away again."

"That's to be expected. What about Ariel? How has she been acting?"

"Like my being home is no big deal. She's a tough one to figure out."

"I'd say she's rather like her mother," Dr. Mac smiled.

***CCC***

Walking into group later that afternoon, it felt strange to walk into the familiar room with a badge clipped to her shirt, letting everyone know that she was no longer a patient, but she was still under treatment. Nadine spotted her immediately and ran up to her, embracing her tightly. "Hey, girl! How does it feel to be a civilian again instead of an inmate in an asylum?"

"I'm still adjusting to being a civilian again."

"Kate, Nadine," Dr. Mac called out their names. "Sit down and we'll get started."

After they took their seats, Dr. Mac started the lines of communication. Each of the women shared their stories until it was finally Kate's turn. "Kate, you were telling me earlier that it seemed easier to stay here than it was being at home. Why don't you explain to the rest of the group what you meant by that?"

"In here, we're all here for the same reason. We've either harmed our children or we've been stopped before we got to that point. At home, I just feel like I'm going to do something to make my husband or my children angry at me."

"So, you're saying that you'd rather be here than be at home?" One of the other women spoke up, her voice slightly raised in anger. "Girl, I would give anything to be able to go home and have people make judgments on me than be in this place where I'm locked in my room once the lights go out and I have a guard standing outside of the bathroom while I shower. Oh, and not to mention the ever delightful treat of having my name called out every thirty minutes all night long. I don't see how anybody gets any sleep in this place."

"I'm not saying that I'd rather be here," Kate argued. "I'm just saying that I don't feel judged in here."

"Kate, I've seen that husband of yours when he's visited you," another woman spoke up. "How long have you been married?"

"Almost 10 years."

"Almost 10 years? My husband and I were married for five and he never, _ever_ looked at me after the first year the way that your man looks at you. Even locked up in this shithole, he looked at you like that. Stop being so fucking hard on yourself and try to enjoy what you have."

***CCC***

After group ended, they had some time to burn before going to get Ariel at school, so Kate decided that it was time to go to the OCME to see her best friend. Lanie saw them walking past the large window and let out a squeal of delight when she ran out and hugged Kate so tightly that Kate thought her ribs were going to break. "Oh, Kate! I've missed you so much! How are you?"

"I'm slowly getting there," Kate pulled back and smiled. "Lanie, I'm so, so sorry."

"For what? Kate, none of this was your fault. None of it."

"Hi, Auntie Lanie!"

"Hi, baby boy!" Lanie lifted Jack up into her arms. "Where's your sister?"

"Her's still at school."

" _She's_ still at school," Castle gently corrected his son.

"That's what I said, daddy," Jack glared at his father.

"I understand that you took care of the kids a few times. Thank you," Kate hugged Lanie again.

"Oh, we loved it. Although Javi wasn't crazy about the dirty diapers part." Lanie made a face when Kate let out a huge yawn. "Girl, am I boring you?"

"No, I just didn't sleep well last night. I'm sorry."

"You know what we need to do? Get together for a girls' spa day. You, me, Alexis, Jenny and Martha. Go get massages and our nails done. Maybe our hair, too. What do you think?"

"I agree," Castle nodded, looking at Kate. "I can hold down the fort with the kids for a few hours."

"I go to my doctor next week. How about next Saturday?" Kate asked.

"That sounds perfect."

"We should go," Castle looked at his watch. "Tell the boys that we'll make plans to all get together soon."

"I will," Lanie hugged Kate and then Castle, before handing Jack over to Kate and chucking Hope under her chin. "Be careful going home."

Once they got Ariel back home, had dinner, gave the kids baths and got them into bed, Kate's batteries were seriously drained. She was relaxing on the sofa, fighting to stay awake while Castle tucked the kids into bed. "Everybody's down for the count, except for Hope, who will be awake again in about three hours," she opened her eyes when she felt Castle sit down beside her. "I'm sorry you've had such a rough day."

"It'll get better," she cuddled into his shoulder, sighing when she felt his arm wrap around her, pulling her closer. "This always helps."

"Can I ask you a question?" She opened her eyes and nodded. "Why are you so scared for Hope to have this procedure?"

"The angiogram? I never told you about mine?"

"No. You never talked a lot about what happened while you were recovering."

"Most of it was mental, but the whole experience was awful. I felt so scared and so alone."

"Kate, what happened?"

"Dr. Kovac told me about it the night before they did it and then Josh also explained it to me in more detail. But the explanations didn't make up for the reality. They gave me something that was supposed to make me relax, but I was so hyped up on adrenaline. I was already in pain and it hurt to move, but they put me on this table and stuck this catheter in my leg. I was scared and nobody was there to hold my hand. Then they kept moving the table so that they could get views from different angles and I started getting more scared and then I started getting really sick. I begged them to stop, but they kept telling me to relax; that it was almost over. They told me that if I couldn't stay still, they'd just have to do the test again."

"Oh, Kate," Castle pulled her close, holding her while she cried against his chest, the memory of the experience still so vivid after such a long time.

"Apparently, the radiologist told Josh that I was a difficult patient, so I had to listen to him lecturing me about why it was important that I stay still during the procedure. I told him that it would've been nice if he could've acted like a boyfriend for once and come with me. He made a crack about how he was too busy to hold my hand like I was a small child."

"Kate, why didn't you call me or your dad? I would've been more than happy to be there for you."

"I didn't want my dad to see me in pain. And, I'm sorry, Rick, but I didn't want to send you mixed signals when I was still with Josh."

"We're going to be there for Hope. Nobody's going to tell us that we can't."

"You promise?"

"I promise. Come on, let's go to bed. I'll try not to wake you when I get up with Hope."

***CCC***

"I saw Kate and Castle today," Lanie announced over dinner with Javi.

"How is she?"

"She's okay, I think. But I also think that her and Castle need some time to reconnect."

"What're you suggesting?"

"Well, we're supposed to go out and have a spa day next Saturday, so I was thinking that when we get back to Casa Castle, I can suggest that I take the kids for the night to give her and Castle a date night."

"What if she says no?"

"Don't worry; I plan on filling Castle in on the details. I'm sure that if I can't persuade her, then he certainly can. Javi, don't sit there and tell me that you don't like having those kids around. Two of them are your godchildren and Hope will be, too, as soon as Beckett has her christened."

"It is fun spoiling them and then giving them back to Castle and Beckett," Javi grinned.

"That's what I thought. But you're going to have to change a diaper or two while we have that baby here."

"Lanie, are you kidding? Have you seen what's in that kid's diapers? What in the hell are they feeding her? I'd rather investigate a popper than change another of those diapers. Give me Jack and Little Chica any day. At least they can walk and talk."

"If you remember, they also started out non-verbal and with more than a few dirty diapers along the way," Lanie pointed out to him.

***CCC***

When Kate stumbled into the kitchen the next morning, Castle was on the phone. He smiled when Kate walked over and kissed him on the cheek. "Where are the kids?" She mouthed to him.

"Upstairs playing with Royal and the kittens," he whispered before returning to his phone call. "That sounds great. Thank you so much. Okay, I'll see you then. Bye."

"Who was that?" Kate asked, pouring herself a cup of coffee.

"Uh, Alexis," he said, making a face when Kate gave him a skeptical look. "What's wrong?"

"Why do I get the feeling that you weren't talking to Alexis?"

"Why would I lie about talking to my daughter?" He walked over to the refrigerator and began removing eggs and bacon for breakfast. "I told the kids that as soon as breakfast is over; we'll start bringing the Christmas stuff down from the attic. The decorators are due here at noon to work on the outside of the house."

"Are they still going to do the blue and red lights like we talked about?"

"I told them that you wanted the house decorated in blue and red twinkling lights. I made them promise no huge light display and no annoying holiday music playing day and night," he walked over and kissed her again, feeling her smile against his lips.

"I'm going to get dressed and then I'm going to check on the kids," she reached around and squeezed his butt before leaving the room.

Castle heaved a huge sigh of relief that he was able to steer her away from who he was really talking to on the telephone. If she knew that he was plotting with Lanie to give them a date night, she'd probably kill him. He just hoped that a date night would start to put them back on track again as a couple.

 **A/N #1: One of my Muses gave me the idea about Kate's history with the angiogram. Her young daughter had a horrible experience at the age of six with the procedure. It was much worse than what Kate went through.**

 **A/N #2: In police jargon, a 'popper' is a body that has decomposed to the point where the gases have built up, causing the body to bloat. They're a cop's worst nightmare to get called to.**

 **A/N #3: I also know that Ryan would most likely be the godparents of the children since he's married. I'm planning an explanation for that soon.**

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	19. Taking Back Control

**DISCLAIMERS: Nope, I still don't own 'Castle.'**

 **SUMMARY: Kate decides to change the course of her treatment while she and Rick begin discussing what happened before and during her hospitalization.**

 **A/N #1: I want to apologize to the person I blocked from my account. I blocked you for all of the wrong reasons and I want everyone to know how wrong I was. I also want to thank you for the direction in which I'm going to take this chapter. Thank you so much for all of the insight.**

 **A/N #2: My original idea was to make this an M-rated chapter, but I think I'm going to push that back to the next chapter.**

 **A/N #3: There will also be a reference to one of the chapters in 'Shadows in the Darkness' regarding Jack's stuffed elephant.**

 **A HOLE IN THE HEART**

 **CHAPTER 19: Taking Back Control**

"I want to return to my regular therapist," Kate announced to Dr. Mac on a frigid Tuesday morning. "I also want to discontinue group."

"Have you discussed this with Rick?"

"The last time that I checked, I'm a grown woman. I don't need anybody's permission to decide how I want to proceed with my treatment. Dr. Burke knows me and he's very familiar with my history. Or are you going to threaten me with the court order that put me here in the first place?"

"There was no court order, Kate," the doctor folded his fingers under his chin, observing his patient. At some point he'd been expecting this break; he just hadn't expected it quite so soon.

"Don't you think I already figured that out? I've been married to my husband for almost 10 years; I knew him for more than five years before that. I know when he's lying to me, even when I'm in a drunken state."

"I can understand why you would like to return to your regular therapist, but can I ask you why you don't want to continue with group?"

"Because I have nothing in common with those women! I turned my twisted feelings onto myself. I never hurt my kids! I'm not those women in that little . . . circle," she waved her hand around.

"May I ask what brought on this sudden dislike of the group therapy sessions?"

"It isn't a sudden dislike. I didn't want to attend from the beginning. Everything I did while I was here is because I was forced to do it. Well, I'm home now. I know that I still need to be in therapy, but I want to do it on my terms, not yours or anybody else's."

"Then I will have your file transferred over to Dr. Burke."

"That's it? I'm free to go?"

"Like you said, I can't force you to do anything that you don't want to do."

Kate couldn't believe it had been that easy. She and Castle had talked for a long time the night before regarding her options.

" _You're still having trouble sleeping?" He'd climbed back into bed after feeding Hope._

" _I don't want to go back to Dr. Mac."_

" _Dr. Burke said that he's the best in treating women with postpartum depression."_

" _I know, but he doesn't know me. Burke knows me; he knows my history. I'm comfortable with him in a way that I'm not with Dr. Mac. Castle, I would never hurt our babies."_

" _I know that," he pressed his lips to her forehead._

" _The morning when I cut my hand, I heard Josh telling me to go and hurt Hope. I cut myself hoping that it would make his voice go away. I love our babies," she began to cry. "I could never hurt them. I hate talking to him," she gritted her teeth. "And I hate sitting in that circle with those other women who have done the most unthinkable things imaginable to their kids because they listened to the voices in their heads. I'm not them! I could never be like them!"_

" _Then tell Dr. Mac how you feel. There's nobody forcing you to see him. Burke can keep you on the lithium and I'm guessing that you can probably stop taking that if he felt that you were well enough to do so."_

" _I love you," she pressed her lips to his before lying her head on his chest, feeling his hand softly stroking her back, lulling her to sleep, the first good sleep she'd had in ages._

An hour later, she was sitting on the familiar leather settee across from Dr. Carver Burke, her bare feet tucked up under her in spite of the cold weather. This office was where she felt comfortable. This office was where she had first spilled out her innermost secrets about her life. Dr. Burke easily knew her as well as Castle and her father did. "I'm sorry that you weren't comfortable with Dr. McIntyre."

"It's not that I was uncomfortable with him; I just felt he wasn't making an attempt to know me as a person. He was just interested in why I did what I did."

"And have you figured that out, yet?"

"It was a mixture of a lot of things. My hormones were already seriously out of whack from giving birth to Hope. Then we were given the news about her heart and within a few hours, I learned that Josh was up for parole. I went into a freefall."

"How do you feel now?"

"Almost normal," she stared down at her hand, the scars vivid from where she'd cut herself with the butcher knife.

"What will it take for you to feel normal again?"

"A lot of things," Kate's eyes were misty when she once again looked at Dr. Burke. "I'm still terrified that I'm going to do something awful to Hope. I can handle maybe one feeding a day. But I'm scared to bathe her; I'm scared to put her in the Baby Bjorn when we go out. How do I get past that fear?"

"With time, Kate. You've only been out of the hospital a short while. You need to learn to trust yourself with her. Have you talked to Castle about your fears? Maybe he can help you with them."

"Why did he tell me that he had a court order? That night when you found me at my dad's cabin," she elaborated when he gave her a funny look. "Was that your idea?"

"No, it wasn't my idea. He was worried about you, Kate. We all were. None of us had any idea of what we were going to find when we got to that cabin. Rick was afraid that you'd gone up there to kill yourself. Do you remember why you went up there?"

"I was scared," she remembered. "I was afraid that if I stayed in the house, I'd hurt one of the kids. I'd never hurt my kids! I knew that if I went away, they'd be safe. I knew that Castle would take wonderful care of them."

"What else would it take for you to be completely normal again?"

"I think that I'm ready to be intimate again," she bit her lip and stared at her hands.

"What about Rick? Is he ready for that to happen?"

"I don't know. Sometimes I can feel him holding himself back from me. I see my OB/GYN on Wednesday for my post-natal checkup. I'm actually late with that, since I was in the hospital when I was supposed to have originally gone."

"You said that you think that you're ready to be intimate with Rick again. What do you feel is holding him back?"

"When I first came home, Castle told me that if I were to get pregnant again, the postpartum depression would probably return and it would be far more serious. He wants to get a vasectomy."

"How do you feel about that?"

"Well, we agreed before Hope was born that she was going to be our last baby, so I really have no intention of getting pregnant again. It would be nice not to have to take the pill, but I don't want to put Castle through the pain of a vasectomy."

"Have you ever talked to a man who's had one?" Dr. Burke inquired, watching Kate shake her head. "It's not a terribly painful procedure. And it's actually much easier for a man to get a vasectomy than for a woman to get her tubes tied."

"You've had one?" Kate asked as Burke nodded.

"Tell Castle that it's a 45-minute procedure, followed by a day or two with an ice pack. Personally, I found the ice pack worse than the actual surgery," he said as Kate chuckled.

***CCC***

Castle went to the school to pick Jack up at 11 o'clock, as usual. However, the little boy had been expecting his mother and wasn't particularly happy to see his father arrive instead. "Where's mommy?" He asked after Castle had helped him with his backpack and coat.

"She had some errands to run. She'll be home in a little while."

"But where did she go? When is she coming back?" Jack asked as they walked out to the car, where Castle securely buckled him in his booster seat. "Where's Hope?"

"Hope's with Grams. We'll pick her up on the way home."

"Why didn't you bring Hope? Why didn't mommy come to get me?"

"It's too cold outside to keep getting Hope out of the car. Let's go home and I'll make grilled cheese sandwiches for lunch. How does that sound?"

"Daddy, you didn't answer my other question."

"Jack, mommy will be home soon. Let's go pick up Hope and then we'll go home to have lunch."

***CCC***

Castle had arranged for a car to take Kate to her appointments. She was grateful to be able to just sit in the backseat and let someone else deal with the traffic. She took out her tablet and checked her email. She then took out her phone and texted Castle to let him know that she was on her way home. Seconds later, she got a text back. **'When did Jack turn into a 3-yr-old?'**

' **Why? What's going on?'** She texted back.

' **U didn't pick him up school. He thinks u went away again. I can usually deal with this, but he's seriously out of control.'**

Kate felt like bursting into tears as she hit the button to call Castle. When he answered, she could hear Jack's screams. "When did this start, Castle?"

"In the car after we picked Hope up from Mother's. Kate, we had some meltdowns while you were gone, but usually I could redirect him."

"Castle, let me talk to him."

"Hold on." She heard Castle calling out to Jack. "Jack, mommy's on the telephone. Come and talk to her. She's on her way home right now. Come on."

"Mommy, where are you?" Kate held the phone away when Jack shrieked in her ear.

"Jack, I'm in the car on my way home right now."

"When will you come home?"

"By the time you've finished eating lunch and watching two 'Jake and the Neverland Pirates,' I should be home."

"You promise, mommy? Do you pinky swear?"

"I promise, Jack. I'm coming home. Let me talk to daddy." A moment later, Castle came back on the line. "Castle, I'm so sorry."

"Kate, don't. He'll be fine. He just has to realize, like Ariel has and like Alexis before both of them that he doesn't always get his way."

"What's going to happen when I go back to work?"

"Kate, relax. We're going to get this nipped in the bud before then. I'll see you in a little while. I love you."

"I love you, too," she hung up the phone and rested her head against the headrest.

***CCC***

Kate walked through the front door to the sound of two screaming children. She quickly made her way to the kitchen where Castle was walking around, bouncing a loudly shrieking Hope while her son was in the middle of the floor, flailing his arms and legs, also screaming at the top of his lungs. "You take him!" Castle shouted over the din. "I've got her. I think Hope will calm down once you remove Jack from the room."

"Jack?" Kate reached down and picked her son up, his arms and legs still thrashing around. "Jack, stop. Enough. I'm going to count to three and you had better stop this before I get to three. One . . . two—" the noise stopped and Jack stared at his mother, his face red and blotchy from crying. "What's going on?"

"You took so long. I thought daddy made you go back to that place."

"No, Jack. I told you on the phone that I was coming home. Come on, let's go and get you cleaned up."

Slinging Jack more comfortably onto her hip, Kate made her way up the stairs to the bathroom where she soaked a washcloth in cold water before taking Jack to his room, where she sat down on his bed, perching him on her knees. She then bathed his face with the cold cloth before looking at him. "You are my handsome boy," she smoothed his hair with her fingers. "Jack, I'm not going anywhere. I had to go away so that I could get better. Do you understand that?" He shook his head. "I had to go away so that Josh's voice would go away. If I didn't stop hearing his voice, something awful was going to happen."

"To Hope?"

"Yes, but I might've also hurt somebody else and I didn't want to do that. But I'm home because my doctor said that I was okay. He wanted me to come home to you and your sisters. I missed you guys and I missed your daddy."

"We missed you, too. Can I tell you a secret?" He got very close, his voice a whisper.

"Yes, you can tell me anything."

"I heard daddy crying."

"I'm sorry that you heard that, buddy. Mommy's and daddy's cry sometimes when they're sad." She picked up the huge stuffed elephant that was her son's almost constant companion. "Did I ever tell you the story about how you got Valentino?"

"No," Jack cuddled against Kate's chest, one chubby hand reaching out to his stuffed best friend, softly stroking his gray fur.

"Before he belonged to you, Valentino was in Sissy's room. But then Sissy decided that she liked doll's better, so she gave Valentino to you. But even before Valentino belonged to Sissy, he belonged to me."

"He was yours?" Jack's eyes were huge with surprise.

"Daddy gave him to me for Valentine's Day," she said, not wanting to tell her son the real story behind the gift. He didn't need to know that she'd been tortured by the couple who had hurt his daddy and older sister. "And I remember telling him that when we had a baby, I wanted Valentino to be in the baby's room. And that made your daddy so happy."

"Valentino's my bestest friend in the whole, wide world."

"I know that he is. You know that I love you, Sissy, and Hope more than the world," she tightened her arms around him, happy that he was more than willing to cuddle for once instead of playing escape artist.

"And daddy, too?"

"Oh buddy, I love your daddy so much more than the world. Now, are you feeling better now?" He nodded against her chest. "I'm glad. Jack, there are times when I have things to do. But I will let you know when I won't be picking you up at school. Did you eat lunch?" He shook his head. "I'm starving. Let's go downstairs and see if daddy will make us lunch."

***CCC***

Later that night, Castle was reading on his tablet when Kate came out of the bathroom after taking a shower, crawling into bed next to him. "Was that what the teacher was talking about when she talked about Jack having bad days?"

Castle shut down his tablet and placed it on his bedside table before rolling onto his side, facing Kate. "Yeah, but it was never as bad as it was today."

"I guess that it's to be expected that he's going to act like a normal three-year-old on occasion. He's going to be fine, Rick," she moved closer, wrapped her arms around his waist and kissed him, her lips moving lower until she was nuzzling his neck.

She was surprised when Castle didn't immediately start kissing her back, especially when she kissed his neck. "Castle? What's wrong?"

"Nothing. Nothing's wrong," he repeated, pulling away. "I was just thinking that maybe you should wait until you see Dr. Caldwell on Wednesday."

"Castle, I'm more than a week late with my appointment. I'm sure everything's fine. I feel great and I really, really want you," she reached down into his shorts and fondled him.

"I know," he gently removed her hand, bringing it up to his chest. "I really want you, too."

"Do you?" She yanked her hand away from him and leaped from the bed. "Do you really, Rick? Because it sure as hell doesn't feel like it to me!"

"Kate—"

He didn't want to say more without spilling the beans about the plans that he'd made with Lanie and Esposito for that Saturday after their spa day. He got out of bed and slowly approached her. "I can't believe this, Castle."

"Kate, it's not like that," he forced her to look at him. "You know that I always want you. _Always_ ," he repeated, finally getting a smile from her. "I just want to make sure that everything's okay. We also should discuss contraception."

"Among other things."

"O-kay," his words came out in a drawl. "What else is on your mind?"

"The night that you came up to the cabin, why did you tell me that you had a court order? Castle, I know that you didn't. I've known and loved you for so long that I can tell when you're lying to me."

"Let's sit down," he motioned her over to the bed. "I was scared, Kate. I was determined to do whatever it took to get you into that hospital. I'm sorry that I lied to you."

"Would you have gone to that point? Would you have got a court order?"

"I told you a long time ago that I'd do whatever it took to protect the people that I love. I love you so much, Kate, but I will do whatever it takes to keep our children safe. I know that you'd do the same if the situation had been reversed."

"Yes, I would."

"Now, about the other thing. What are we going to do?"

"I can start taking the pill again if you're feeling averse to the vasectomy."

"I'm not averse to the idea. In fact, I've been researching it and I really feel that it's our best option. Because we're both certain that Hope is going to be our last baby, aren't we?"

"Yeah, we are."

"It's not a big deal, Kate. It's permanent, but I think it's easier for me to do this than for you to continue taking the pill until you finish with menopause. You can consider it one of my Christmas presents to you."

"Does that mean you're going to make an appointment?" She kissed him, giving him a sweet smile.

"Will you come with me to hold my hand?"

"Of course. I'll even keep you supplied with ice packs."

***CCC***

Wednesday morning, Kate stared at the ceiling while her OB/GYN completed her exam. "Everything looks good from this end, Kate. I'm sorry to hear that you were under the weather last week when you were supposed to have been here," Dr. Caldwell stood up and removed her gloved, disposing of them before walking over to the sink and washing her hands.

"I wasn't ill," Kate sat up and threw her legs over the side of the table. "I had some problems."

"I know, Kate. Dr. McIntyre called me after you were hospitalized."

"I got a letter from the parole board," she took a deep breath.

"I'll tell you what," the doctor walked over. "Get dressed and then we'll talk in my office. Okay?"

"Okay."

Several minutes later, a fully clothed Kate sat in Dr. Caldwell's office. "Now, what happened when you heard from the parole board?"

"I went into a tailspin. It was the same day that we learned about Hope heart's condition and it just did something to my mind. I started hearing Josh in my head. He was telling me to do the most unthinkable things to my baby. I ran away so that I wouldn't hurt her, but Castle and Dr. Burke found me. I was in the hospital for a week and a half."

"How do you feel now?"

"Better most of the time, but sometimes the doubts come back."

"You got hit with a lot of stuff in just a short time. I'm not surprised that it sent you reeling. Do you need a new prescription for birth control pills while you're here today?"

"Yes, but Castle is talking about getting a vasectomy."

"After what you went through, I feel that a vasectomy is your best option. And Rick's right. If you were to get pregnant again, it's very likely that you would suffer from much worse postpartum depression."

When Kate got home, she called Lanie. "Hey girl," Lanie's cheerful voice answered.

"Hey, yourself. What time do you want to meet up on Saturday?"

"Is nine too early?"

"No, nine is perfect. How is work?"

"Oh, the usual. Somebody died and I've got to find out why and how. What about you?"

"It's going okay."

"Why do you sound like things are everything _but_ okay? What's going on?"

"My son has suddenly turned into a three-year-old. I can't leave his sight, Lanie. He absolutely loses his mind. What have I done to him?"

"Kate, you haven't done anything to him. At least you're not letting him sleep in your bed."

"What are you talking about?"

"Castle was having an issue with Martha allowing both kids to sleep in her room. He said Ariel only did it for a few nights, but Jack was another problem."

"I see," she sighed.

"Kate, it's not that big of a deal. Castle took care of it and managed to get Jack to sleep in his own bed again."

"Why does he tell everybody these things, but neglects to mention them to me? I'm not going to freak out when he tells me how difficult it was while I was in the hospital. I know that it was hard!"

"Kate, I'm just sure that he didn't want to worry you. Hey, I'm just the messenger here. Like my mother always used to say, don't sweat the small stuff."

"I'm so tired of everybody treating me like I can't deal with stuff!"

"Sweetie, I'm sorry that I said anything. Please talk to Castle. He's really the one who should be hearing this."

"Yeah, you're right. You're right. He's out with the kids right now, but they should be home soon. I'll see you Saturday."

When Castle walked into the house with the kids later that afternoon, Kate was in the kitchen making spaghetti and meat sauce. "Spaghetti!" Jack crowed, jumping up and down. "Sissy, I told you that mommy was making us spaghetti!"

"Great, you're a certifiable genius," Ariel rolled her eyes.

"I think you mean 'certified,' sweetie," Castle laughed, removing a sleepy Hope from the baby carrier.

"Is there a difference?" Ariel asked, sounding so much older than her seven years that it just made Castle laugh harder.

"So, what did you guys do with daddy?"

"He picked me up at school and then we went to the library. Can I grate cheese, mommy?" Ari pulled out a small footstool.

"Yes, you may," Kate passed her the block of parmesan cheese and the grater. "Be careful of your fingers."

"I know."

"Of course you do," Kate smiled.

Castle grabbed a bottle from the refrigerator before kissing Kate on the cheek, puzzled when she sort of brushed away from him. "Are you okay?" He popped the bottle in the microwave and turned it on.

"I'm fine. I was talking to Lanie today and it was very enlightening," she stirred the sauce in the pan before tasting it and adding some more crushed herbs to it.

"Enlightening in what way?" He removed the bottle from the microwave and tested it before placing the nipple in Hope's mouth.

"Oh, in _so_ many, many way," she turned and gave him an 'if looks could kill' type of a look.

"I think that I'm going to feed Hope and put her down. I think I'll take Jack with me to get him out of your hair."

"No, I think that Jack needs to stay down here with me because the three of us need to have a little chat," Kate once again glared at Castle before turning her attention back to her cooking.

Ariel looked at her mother before looking behind her at where her father had been just seconds before. "Mommy, why are you mad at daddy? Are you mad because he made you go away?"

"No, that's not why I'm mad at daddy. Why I'm mad at daddy is between me and your daddy. It doesn't concern you or your brother. Jack, pull up the other footstool because there is something that I need to talk to you and Sissy about. I understand that you were sleeping in Grams bed while I was gone. Now, you both know how I feel about that."

"I only did it for two days. Jack kicks too much," Ari looked at her little brother. "We were just scared and daddy wouldn't let us sleep in your room."

"I understand that you were scared, but you both know that I want you sleeping in your own rooms in your own beds."

"Are we going to have to be restricted? Because being restricted sucks," Jack blurted out as Kate bit back a laugh.

"No, you're not going to be restricted this time. But from now on, you stay in your own beds. You know that daddy would've come to you if you needed him because he's really good about that."

"Is daddy going to be restricted?" Ari asked.

"Oh, I'm sure I'll punish him somehow."

***CCC***

"What are you so upset about?" Castle asked once the kids were in bed and they were alone for the night.

"Castle, you haven't told me anything about how rough it was for you while I was in the hospital. You're not going to hurt my feelings or upset me by telling me that there were times that you were struggling. I'm a big girl. I can handle it."

"What is it that you want me to tell you, Kate? Do you want me to tell you how fucking pissed off I was at you? Fine. I hadn't been that angry at you since the summer after you were shot. And you know how mad I was then. I understand that you weren't responsible for what was going on in your head. I totally get that. But it doesn't stop me from being so angry that I couldn't see straight at times. Yes, there were times that I vented to whoever would listen. Lanie, the boys, Alexis, my mother, your dad . . . they all got subjected to my venting."

"When we had Ari, the one thing that I was adamant about was not having her in our bed. I was never allowed in my parents' bed, and it was just something that they did that I agreed with. Then I hear that both of the kids were sleeping with Martha. Rick, I can't be the bad cop all of the time."

"Okay," he held out his hand to stop her tirade, "before you say another word, you weren't here. That first week, the kids were a wreck. They cried a lot. It was hard to get them to go to sleep at night. I didn't like them sleeping in my mother's room. I told her that I didn't like them sleeping in there. Finally, I took matters into my own hands. Ariel didn't sleep in there for long."

"I know. She told me that Jack kicked too much."

"I took Jack from her bed and took him back to his room. I then explained to him that he had to stay in his own bed. I played bad cop, Kate. I just took a few days to do it, but I got it done."

"I'm sorry, Rick," she stepped up and touched his face with her palm. "You have every right to be angry. I'm stupid to criticize your parenting skills when you've done this before and I wasn't here to help you this time. I don't know why I'm still flying off of the handle so easily over things that I have no control over."

"I was scared, Kate," his voice was trembling. "I was scared that I was going to have to do this alone again."

"Oh no, babe," she wrapped her arms around his neck and held him, feeling his body shake with sobs. "I promised you a long time ago that I wouldn't make you do this alone again and I mean that. It's okay to be scared and it's okay to be angry."

"Are we going to be okay, Kate?"

"Yeah, we're going to be okay," she pulled back and touched his face again, wiping the tears from his face. "You know what I want right now?"

"I have a pretty good idea," he gave her a grin.

"Yeah, I want _that_ , but right now I want you to read to me," she moved away from him and over to her nightstand where she retrieved her book and handed it to him.

"What would milady like to hear tonight?" He asked, getting into bed and tugging her behind him.

"Surprise me," she snuggled up, resting her head on his shoulder.

He opened to an entry near the beginning of the book and smiled when he began reading. _"I love the playful side of you that I'm only just beginning to see. It's always fun when you team up with the boys to pull something over on me or when we team up to try to put one over on Espo and Ryan. I also like how you check me out when you think I don't know it."_

"Wait! What in the hell are you talking about? I _never_ checked you out before we became a couple."

"Oh, but I beg to differ, Captain Beckett," he teased her by using her work name. "When I was cursed by that mummy and got attacked by the dog, I knew that you were checking my ass out when I asked to go home to change."

"So maybe I sneaked a peek. But it was a one-time thing. Keep reading," she urged him.

"Let me find something else," he thumbed through several entries, finally finding one that made him smile. _"I knew that you and I had a real chance of becoming a couple when we were at the swings. You told me about your walls and about how you couldn't have a real relationship until those walls came down. I knew that those words were directed at me. Those words gave me hope for the first time. Hope that you love me half as much as I love you. I was sad for you that you had broke up with Josh, but only because you seemed to upset about it."_ He looked at Kate, who cuddled closer into his shoulder, her fingers stroking his chest.

"I cared about him, but I didn't love him. I was in love and am still in love with you," she turned her face up and kissed him. "We're going to be great."

"Oh, I should also confess that I let Jack take a nap with me a few times. It was the only time to get him to nap when you were first hospitalized. Am I forgiven?"

"Yeah, you're forgiven," she kissed him, stroking his jaw with her fingertips. "I'm sorry that I got so pissed. Now can I confess something?"

"Yes," he gently bit her lower lip before soothing the bite.

"I used to check out your ass constantly," she smiled against his lips, feeling his answering smile against her.

"See? I knew that you secretly always wanted me," he pulled her close, feeling her body shake with laughter. It was a great way to end the evening. He couldn't wait until Saturday.

 **A/N #4: Chapter 20 will conclude Part 1. I figure that Part 2 will encompass approximately 10 chapters.**

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	20. A Relaxing Day and A Hot Evening

**DISCLAIMERS: No, I still don't own anything that anybody would recognize.**

 **SUMMARY: The girls have a spa day while Castle makes plans for the evening.**

 **A/N #1: I just got a new computer, which means new word processing software. I'm now getting used to Office 365.**

 **A/N #2: This chapter will be M-rated and will also conclude Part 1. Part 2 will focus on Hope's condition and Josh's upcoming parole hearing.**

 **A HOLE IN THE HEART**

 **CHAPTER 20: A Relaxing Day and a Hot Evening**

The girls were all gathered together getting manicures and pedicures. It had been a wonderful day which had started early that morning with a limousine ride to the spa, courtesy of Castle, who had told Kate that he wanted her and the other girls to get the royal treatment.

"Kate, this place is wonderful," Jenny Ryan sighed.

"I saw it online when I was pregnant with Hope and mentioned to Castle that I wanted to come here. I'm glad that he remembered."

"Darling, he remembers every single thing that you tell him," Martha smiled at Kate.

"How have you been feeling?" Lanie asked.

"It's gradually getting better. Speaking of which, what are you and Javi planning with my husband?"

"How do you know anything's going on?"

"Because my husband is lousy at hiding anything. Girl, you had better spill."

"We were going to take the kids for tonight so that you and Castle could maybe get your freak on again," Lanie quipped as the other women started laughing.

"Kate, can we talk for a few minutes?" Alexis leaned over toward Kate.

"Sure, sweetie. What's on your mind?"

"I don't want my dad to know this yet, in case things don't go well . . . but Brian and I are trying to have a baby."

"Alexis, that's super! Everything's going to be great this time," Kate was quick to assure her stepdaughter. "What happened before was an awful tragedy. It won't happen again."

"Well, it could," Alexis said. "But my doctor has told me that it's not very likely. I just worry that it's going to take forever."

"When I wanted to get pregnant with Jack, I thought the same thing. I'm going to tell you the same thing that my doctor told me. Relax and let nature work its magic. It will happen when you least expect it."

"Kate's right," Jenny added. "Kevin and I were getting prepared to go to a fertility specialist when I learned that I was pregnant with Colleen. I had no idea until she told me the news. You and Brian are going to make amazing parents."

"If I do half as good a job as my dad did raising me, I'll be very happy."

"Lanie, while I appreciate you and Espo taking the kids, I'm not sure Jack will go. He's been very clingy since I came home. He had a meltdown earlier in the week when I had to see my therapist."

"I understand that you're worried about the kids, Kate, but you and Rick need some time to yourselves. Time to get to know each other again."

"In the biblical sense, of course," Martha chirped as the women laughed.

"That would be nice. We haven't had sex in so long," Kate threw back her head. "Sorry, Alexis."

***CCC***

"I wanted to talk to you and Jack before Uncle Kevin and Uncle Javi get here," Castle sat down at the dining table with the two older kids. "After mommy gets home this afternoon, you're going to go back to Auntie Lanie's house with her and Uncle Javi."

"Why? I don't want to leave mommy alone," Jack protested.

"I don't that you don't buddy, but I want to give mommy a date night."

"Like before Hope was born. Do you remember, Jack?" Ariel looked at her brother.

"I don't want to go," Jack thrust his lip out petulantly.

Castle sighed, realizing that this was going to be a problem. Jack had become extremely clingy since Kate's return home and neither of them knew how to fix the problem. But Castle also knew that he wanted to give Kate an evening where they didn't have to focus on the kids. She deserved that, and he selfishly felt that he did, too. "Jack, I know that you don't want to go. But you always have such a great time with Auntie Lanie and Uncle Javi. And you'll come home tomorrow."

"Early?"

"Tomorrow afternoon. Is that early enough?"

"I guess. Will mommy call us? Can I call her if I want to come home?"

"Mommy will call you tonight before you go to bed and yes, you can call if you want to come home."

Castle went into the kitchen to get some more coffee and to start breakfast for the kids. "Daddy?" He turned to find Ariel standing by his side. "He's just worried about mommy. I'll get him to go to Auntie Lanie's."

"What about you?" Castle knelt down in front of Ariel. "Are you worried about mommy?"

"Mommy's fine. She's always fine. I know that you'll take care if her if she isn't fine."

"Yes, I will. You're a great big sister."

"I know," Castle laughed at the haughtiness of her tone. "You don't worry about mommy, at all?"

"I don't have to. Like I said, you take care of her when things are bad. Besides, Jack saw the bad stuff and I didn't. I don't have anything to worry about. Can I go and play with Jack now?"

"Yeah, baby. You can go and play with your brother. I love you."

"I love you too, daddy," Ariel hugged him around the neck.

Castle slowly rose back to his feet, wincing when his knees cracked loudly. He understood Jack's clinginess, but Ariel's nonchalant attitude puzzled him. There were times when Ariel was so much like Kate that it was frightening.

***CCC***

Kate loved her massage. Of course, she loved Castle's massages better, but her masseuse, Anna, proved to be a wonderful replacement. She focused on everywhere Kate was tense and expertly worked her magic on her. By the end, Kate was feeling relaxed and drowsy.

She came out of the massage room and found Lanie relaxing by the pool with a cold drink in her hand. "What're you drinking?" Kate asked, sitting in the lounge chair next to her best friend.

"Fresh squeezed orange juice. I also have some fresh strawberries," Lanie picked up a bowl and offered it to Kate. "They're so sweet."

"Oh, these are good," Kate bit into a fresh berry as a waiter brought her a glass of orange juice on a tray. "I love this place. You don't even have to ask. Stuff just appears."

"How was your massage?"

"Wonderful. Anna was almost as good with her hands as Castle is."

"Speaking of which, are you looking forward to tonight?" Lanie looked at Kate with an arched eyebrow.

"Yeah, but not just because I get to have sex with Castle," she smiled at her friend, "but because I can also talk to him without being interrupted by the kids or by Hope needing a bottle. I love my kids, Lanie, but sometimes I really miss the times when it was just the two of us."

"How has it been being back home again?"

"Hard," Kate admitted. "Really hard. I went back to Dr. Burke because I'm more comfortable talking to him. I complained to him that the lithium doesn't seem to be working."

"Sweetie, lithium can take up to six weeks to start working. The doctor at the hospital didn't explain that to you?"

"He probably did, but I was so messed up at the time that it didn't register. Lanie, I don't know if I can deal with another three weeks of feeling like I'm constantly on edge."

"Does Rick know about any of this?"

"I don't want to worry him with more stuff. He had such a rough time trying to hold everything together while I was gone. I hate putting more on him."

"Kate, you two have got to stop this little game that you're playing."

"I don't know what you're talking about."

"Oh yes, you do. This is almost the same little dance the two of you did before you started seeing each other. You said that you wanted the time to talk to him alone without distractions?" Lanie repeated Kate's words to her, watching her nod. "Then _talk_ to him. He understands that he needs to take more of the load for the time being. This isn't going to be a shocker to him. Now, let's move on to a much happier topic. How do you feel about the possibility of becoming a grandmother?"

"Are you kidding? I love it. I know that Alexis and Brian have been trying for a while, but I guess they didn't decide to get serious about it until recently."

"How do you think Castle's going to feel about it?"

"Well, most men don't want to think about their little girls having sex, so the idea might make him cringe for about five seconds. Then I think he's going to be happy that Alexis is happy. That's all that he's ever wanted for her. Meredith on the other hand?" Kate shuddered at the thought. "I don't even want to think about that."

***CCC***

The Ryan and Castle children were upstairs in Jack's bedroom while the men played video games downstairs. "Why didn't your baby sister come today?" Jack wanted to know.

"I heard mommy telling daddy that they were going to be busy with four kids and a baby. Four kids and _two_ babies was too much, so Siobhan is at my grandma's house. We'll get her later," Colleen Ryan answered.

"We're supposed to go to Auntie Lanie's apartment later, but I don't want to go. I need to be here with my mommy in case she needs me," Jack said as Ariel rolled her eyes.

"Jack, mommy has daddy to take care of her. She doesn't need you, too. Besides, if we're here, they can't be alone."

"Yes, they can. I can stay in my room and shut the door."

"Daddy's going to be mad at you if you don't go. I think he has something special planned. If you stay, you'll just mess everything up. Anyway, you might have to help Uncle Javi take care of Hope," Ariel played her trump card. Jack adored Baby Hope and would do anything for her.

"He doesn't even change diapers right," Jack shook his head.

"My daddy doesn't change diapers at all," Liam told the other kids. "He just calls for mommy to do it."

"He even called her when she was at the store once," Colleen added. "She got really mad. But now he changes diapers sometimes." She glowered at her younger brother.

"My daddy changes diapers all of the time," Ariel proudly boasted. "He changes more diapers than mommy does."

"Uncle Javi doesn't like it when Hope poops," Jack giggled.

"Nobody likes it when a baby poops," Colleen said. "It's gross."

"If you stay here, I'll miss you," Ariel told Jack. "I don't want to go over there by myself. So, you have to go, Jack."

"Mommy will miss me, too."

"Mommy will have daddy. Besides, we won't have a bedtime if we go to Auntie Lanie's. And she'll make us turtles again."

Downstairs, the men were playing Halo. "So, was Beckett surprised by the limo this morning?" Espo asked.

"Yeah, it was totally unexpected. I told her that I wanted her and the girls to enjoy their spa day in total luxury."

"What time should they be back?" Ryan asked.

"Around five or so."

"Do you think Beckett suspects that you have made plans for this evening?" Ryan wanted to know.

"She's a detective, so I'm sure that she suspects that I'm up to something. I just hope she doesn't decide to sabotage my plans."

"Dude, I'm sure that Beckett is as anxious for a date night as you are. I remember those first date nights after our kids were born," Ryan smiled nostalgically, laughing at the look on Esposito's face. "What?"

"This is one reason why I'm glad I don't have kids tying me down. I don't have to schedule alone time with my Chica. We can just do it wherever and whenever we want to."

"'Do it?' What are you? Twelve?" Castle teased as Ryan laughed. "And I admit that being spontaneous is nice, but planning also has its perks."

"So what's on the agenda besides the obvious?" Ryan asked.

"Well, wine is out because Kate's on antidepressants, but I'm still going to make her favorite dinner and we'll see where things go from there."

"How is she really doing?" Espo put down his game controller.

"Some days are better than others. She gets upset when she finds out things that happened while she was gone. She's also upset than none of you visited her while she was in the hospital."

"I just couldn't do it, bro," Espo hung his head and stared at his shoes. "It was hard watching her struggle during the whole Lee Travis thing. I just couldn't do it again."

"Then that's what you need to tell her when she confronts you, because she's going to want answers. What about you, Ryan? What's your excuse?"

"I keep seeing her that night that we went to the cabin. Castle, I know that person wasn't the Beckett that we all know and love, but I have to go with Javi here. I just couldn't bear seeing her like that."

"Well, she kind of feels abandoned. Not only by you two, but also by my mother and Alexis. She hasn't actually said that, but that's the impression that I get."

"Castle, we're sorry," Ryan looked at Espo, who nodded. "That wasn't our intention. We love both of you. You're our family. It's just hard to see your family in pain."

"I understand that, but you two need to talk to Kate and explain it to her."

***CCC***

It was late afternoon when the women all piled into the limousine feeling incredibly relaxed after their long day at the spa. "Kate, that was the best afternoon ever," Jenny sighed, leaning against her seat. "Thank you so much for inviting all of us."

"Well, a spa day is never any fun alone. But you're welcome. Thank all of you for coming with me. It really meant a lot to spend the day with all of you."

"Darling, you're more than welcome. Make sure that you thank my son for allowing us to go in the lap of luxury. The limo was a very nice touch."

"Oh, I'm sure that I'll be thanking Castle for a lot of things later," Kate bit her lip and grinned shyly.

The limo dropped off first Martha and then Alexis before heading to Long Island with Kate, Lanie and Jenny. "Kate?" Kate looked over at Lanie. "Are you all right with me and Javi taking the kids for the evening? Because if not, I'm sure that Castle will understand."

"No, it's fine. I don't want to ruin Castle's plans for the night. Besides, they love spending time with you. You're the cool aunt who gives them ice cream sundaes for dinner," she gave Lanie a pointed look.

"That was a one-time deal. You should have seen Jack's face when he tried that turtle, Kate. He was so cute," Lanie stopped when she saw the sad look in Kate's eyes. "Kate? I'm sorry. I didn't mean to make you feel bad."

"It's not you, Lanie. It's me," Kate wiped at a tear that had trickled down her cheek. "Jack saw so many awful things. I pulled a gun on his sister. What kind of a mother does that?"

"Kate, no," Jenny joined Lanie in comforting their friend. "That woman wasn't you. If you had been well, you never would've done that. I know that the kids don't understand and maybe it's better that they don't. The memories of what you did will fade from Jack's memory over time. That's the wonderful thing about children. They have this amazing ability to forgive. It's easier for them than it is for adults."

"Jenny's right, Kate. You're beating yourself up for what you've done to Ariel and Jack, when the truth is that they know that you still love them. They know that both you and their father will do anything for them."

"I want to thank both of you for being there when Rick and Martha needed a hand with the kids. I'm so happy that my kids have other people in their lives that can be there for them."

"There's no need to thank us," Jenny hugged her. "We were glad to lend a hand."

"Can I ask a question? Why didn't any of you come to visit me?"

Lanie and Jenny looked at each other, both realizing they had just been put on the spot. "Honestly, I don't have an excuse," Lanie finally spoke up. "There's nothing that I can say that will be a satisfactory answer. The best that I can come up with is seeing you in a place like that was so different than visiting you after your shooting. I didn't like that other Kate. Does that make sense?"

"A little. Lanie, I didn't like that other Kate, either. But if she had been my friend, I still would've made an effort to visit her at least once."

"I think that I was afraid to see you surrounded by those other women. I think it made me a little afraid," Jenny said.

"It wasn't like 'Cuckoo's Nest,' Jenny. The majority of those women in that place never would've done anything to their children if they'd had help beforehand. I was afraid of them also, until I learned their stories and saw that I had nothing to be afraid of."

"I've known you for a long time, Kate, and I know that you like to lick your wounds in private. I think that's another reason why I didn't visit."

"The old Kate would've been like that. I'm not that person anymore, and I haven't been for a very long time. I'm sorry, but I consider that a poor excuse for not visiting a friend during the one time in her life when she really needed to be surrounded by people who cared about her."

"Are we really going to talk about this now? We had such a great day together at the spa."

"We're going to have to talk about it at some point, aren't we?"

"And I promise that we will. Just not today."

The rest of the ride was spent in silence. When they walked into the house 45 minutes later, Jack flew into Kate's arms before Castle had a chance to do anything. "I missed you, mommy!" He cried as Kate swung him into her arms.

"I missed you, too. Hey, Castle," Kate walked into Castle's arms. "Thank you for today. It was perfect."

"I'm glad that you enjoyed it. Um, I was thinking," he reached out and removed Jack from her arms. "Javi was offering to take the kids for the night to give us a date night. That is, if it's all right with Lanie," Castle looked over at the M.E.

"I'm okay with it."

"A date night does sound nice," Kate gave him a smile, playing along with his surprise. After all, she knew how hard he'd been working to set it up.

"I've already talked to Ariel and Jack, so they've already got their overnight bags packed. Javi and Ryan even said they'd take all of the kids for pizza when they get into the city."

"Mommy?" Jack tugged on Kate's jacket.

"Yeah, baby?"

"If you need me to stay here and take care of you, I will."

"Jack, I told you that's what daddy is for!" Ariel shouted at her brother. "She doesn't need you to take care of her."

Ignoring Ari's outburst, Kate knelt down so that she was eye-level with Jack. "Jack, while it is very sweet of you to offer to take care of me, I want you to have a good time with your sister and your cousins. Uncle Javi is going to take you guys to get pizza and he knows all of the best places for pizza."

"Famous Nick's?" Jack looked at Javi.

"Famous Original Nick's," Javi corrected.

"You do know that none of those joints are actually owned by guys named Nick, don't you?" Castle interjected.

"I like Famous Original Nick's," Jack kicked at the floor with his foot. "You're sure you'll be okay, mommy?"

"I'm going to be terrific. And Ari's right," she looked at her daughter. "Daddy will be here taking care of me and he always does a wonderful job. Almost as good as you do," she poked Jack's stomach, causing him to giggle. "I want you to go and have a good time. I'll see you tomorrow."

"In the morning?"

"How about after lunch?" Kate looked at Lanie, who nodded.

"Let me get Hope squared away," Castle went upstairs to get the baby.

"Thank you, Lanie," Kate hugged her friend before walking over to Espo. "Thank you for being a sport about this."

"Tell Lanie I'll change the wet diapers. I don't do surprises," Espo hugged Kate.

"If you don't stop, I'll make you get up with her in the middle of the night. She'll definitely have a surprise for you then," Lanie threatened, smiling when she saw Castle walking downstairs with Hope in her carrier.

"Come on, I'll help you get her in the car," Castle offered.

"You guys be good," Kate kissed first Ari and then Jack. "I'll call you this evening before bedtime. Have fun."

"We will. I'll make sure that Jack minds," Ari told her mother.

"I think that Uncle Javi and Auntie Lanie will see to him. I'll miss you both."

"We know."

Kate followed the kids out to the driveway where Castle was helping Lanie put the car seat into the backseat of Javi's car. After the car seat was in, she helped the kids into the spare booster seats that Javi kept in the trunk of his car. "I told them that I'd call them tonight," Kate told Lanie.

"They'll be fine. We'll bring them home around one tomorrow."

Jenny and Ryan left with their kids shortly after Lanie and Espo departed, leaving Kate and Castle with a house that suddenly seemed far too quiet. "Wow, it's quiet," Kate said as she walked through the living room into the kitchen.

"You knew, didn't you?" Castle followed her. "You knew that I had something planned for tonight."

"I suspected, but I asked Lanie this morning and she admitted that she'd been cooking this up with you and Espo. It's really sweet, Rick, and it means a lot to me."

"I know that you've wanted to make love and I know that you feel like I've been pulling myself back from you. I just really wanted something that was special after the hell that you've been through the last few weeks. Because you deserve special."

"Castle, I don't need special. I just need you. And I wasn't the only one who went through hell. None of this was easy on you, either."

"Well, can I do special, anyway? Because I already have everything kind of mapped out."

"Yeah, you can do special, anyway," she walked into his arms, whimpering softly when he cupped her face and kissed her, drinking her in. "This is special. This is very special."

"I'm just getting started." He kissed her once again before reluctantly releasing her. "Are you hungry? Because I was thinking that I could make you my fabulous Chicken Marsala."

"I'm not starving, but by the time you get everything fixed, I will be. Chicken Marsala sounds wonderful. It's one of my favorites."

"I'd better get started then, unless you want to skip dinner," he waggled his eyebrows at her.

"I'd love to skip dinner, but I know that you planned all of this out. So," she reached around and squeezed his butt, "the sooner you get dinner cooked, the sooner we can get on to other things."

"Okay," he grinned against her lips before kissing her once more.

Kate lit the candles in the middle of their dining table and watched Castle bring their dinner to the table about an hour later. Knowing that Kate couldn't drink wine, he poured them both sparkling apple juice into wine glasses. "This looks wonderful," she smiled after he'd sat down at the table. "Do you mind if I ask what the rest of your plans are for tonight?"

"If you're asking me if we're going to eat and then jump into bed, the answer is no. I was thinking that we could talk if you wanted to or we could take a nice long bubble bath. Lady's choice," he gave her a smile that turned her insides to mush.

"Well, I'd ask for one of your million dollar massages, but I already had one of those today. My masseuse was wonderful," she reached out and placed her hand over his, smiling when he immediately clasped her fingers. "I had a really wonderful day."

"Like I said earlier, you deserved to have a wonderful day."

"A really long bubble bath sounds like heaven."

"Let me get everything cleaned up and then I'll run us a bath."

"You should let me do something to help, Rick."

"You're helping by keeping me company."

Watching him putter around the kitchen reminded Kate of the many reasons why she loved Castle. He was the most selfless man she'd ever known. He always made sure that her needs and the needs of his children were met before his own. Their happiness was all that mattered to him. She longed to tell him what Alexis had told her earlier that morning, but she'd made a promise not to. She knew that he was going to make an amazing grandfather.

"What're you thinking about?" Castle came around the island and turned her chair until she was pressed against him.

"You," she touched his face softly. "I love you so much."

"Oh Kate, I love you, too," his lips claimed hers in a tender, yet searing kiss. He poured his soul into showing her how much he did love her. He finally pulled away, resting his forehead against hers, breathing heavily before reaching down for her hand and tugging her off of her stool. "Come and take a bath with me."

They had taken hundreds of baths together, but those simple words never failed to make Kate's heart quicken and the dampness to build between her legs. She followed him down the hallway and into their bedroom where he then pulled her into the en suite bathroom to the bathtub. He turned on the tabs full blast and added a generous amount of bubble bath to the water, mixing the water with his hand to swirl the bubble bath generously through the warm water.

He then turned to Kate and began to undress her, following every inch of bared skin with hot, open mouthed kisses. "Castle," she held his head to her breast, groaning when he tugged her nipple between his teeth. "Shit, Castle. We need to get in the tub. For us to do that, you need to get your clothes off."

Instead of answering, Castle pulled her slacks down over her hips, followed seconds later by her panties. He then slipped his fingers between her legs, eliciting the most delicious whine from Kate's lips. "Oh my god, Kate," he kissed her while rubbing delicate circles on her clit, feeling her rock against him. "You're so wet."

Kate began impatiently unbuttoning his shirt, pushing it off of his shoulders before going to work on his pants, brushing her fingers against his fly and feeling his instant reaction. "Tub, Castle. Now. Then you can play as much as you want."

Castle kicked out of his pants before bending down to remove his shoes and socks. He then stepped into the tub and held his hand out to Kate. She climbed over the side of the tub and sat down facing her husband. The water was wonderfully hot and filled to the brim with foamy white bubbles. She picked up a handful of suds and blew them at Castle. He blew a handful back before reaching for her, pulling her in between his legs. Once more he captured her lips with his own, his tongue sweeping the inside of her mouth as she passionately kissed him back.

He let his fingers move down to the wet heat between her legs, rubbing against her swollen flesh as she pressed closer to his probing fingers, moaning into his mouth. It didn't take long before Castle felt Kate shudder and cry out into his mouth. "Oh god, Castle," she sagged against his shoulder. "I had forgotten how truly magical your fingers are."

"There are other parts of my body that also have magical properties," he kissed her neck, loving the way that she seemed to melt against him.

"Mine . . . too," she reached down for him, feeling the hard heat of him in the palm of her hand.

"Well, you did say that I could play as much as I wanted," he reminded her.

After a playful half hour in the tub, they got out and dried off before strolling naked into their bedroom. Kate climbed up onto her side of the bed, smiling as Castle crawled up after her, pulling at her until she was lying flat on her back. She reached for him, kissing him as he supported himself on his hands so that he wasn't crushing her with his weight.

"I want you, Castle. Please?"

Castle let one of his hands travel down the length of her body, reacquainting himself with her curves and the feel of her. He cupped first one breast and then the other, rubbing her nipples with his fingers, enjoying the way that Kate undulated under him, trying to meet more of her flesh with more of his. His hand left her breast and traveled down her side, brushing against her old, healing scar, finally reaching her hip.

Kate groaned when he opened her legs, his fingers trailing along the inside of her thigh, moving gradually closer to where she wanted him. It had been so long that she knew she was going to explode again just like she had in the bathtub earlier.

Giving her one more kiss, Castle began traveling down Kate's body, kissing and nibbling the whole way, listening to her soft sighs and occasional keening whines. He caressed her breasts as his lips continued worshiping Kate's satiny skin. Reaching the sharp plane of her hip bone, he nibbled the inside of her thigh, smiling when he felt Kate's hand reach into his hair, even though he wasn't close to where she wanted or needed him yet. The anticipation was always the fun part. She knew what he was going to do, she just never knew when he was going to do it.

"Castle, please," Kate begged again, feeling him nibble and rub his cheek against the soft skin of the inside of her thighs.

"Please what?" His voice was muffled against her thigh.

"You know what! Touch me! Do something!" She could feel him grinning and would've kicked him if she hadn't been so turned on that she wanted to gnaw on something.

As much as he would've loved to continue torturing her, Castle couldn't resist the lure of Kate any longer. He knew it wasn't going to take much to make her shatter under his lips and tongue. He'd already made her come twice while they were in the bathtub and he'd been able to sense that she was just getting revved up. He brushed against her with his thumb, feeling her jerk against him before replacing his fingers with his tongue, brushing the length of her as she gave another jerk, this time accompanied by a high pitched cry.

Kate felt Castle holding her legs down as he worked his magic between them with his lips, tongue, and extremely talented fingers. "Oh shit, Castle! More! Just like that!"

Castle was so hard that he ached, but he loved making love to Kate; loved listening to her as she screamed out what she wanted and how she wanted it done. He loved the feel of her and the taste of her as she came apart under his mouth and fingers. But most of all, he loved joining together with her, feeling her wrap her long arms and legs around him when they made love. He loved the look in her eyes when they moved together; the way that she said his name when she came.

He felt her fingers tighten in his hair, pulling him closer to her wet core. "Castle, don't stop. Please don't stop," she writhed and panted under him, threading her fingers into his hair. "A little harder. Perfect!"

Kate screamed out Castle's name as she came hard, continuing to cry out his name for a few minutes, even as she felt him moving back up her body. She opened her eyes to find him smiling down at her. "So, was it good for you?" He teased, kissing her and feeling her wrap her arms around him.

"Oh, it was perfect. I'm ready for round two," she reached down for him, listening to him groan at the feel of her hand stroking him.

"Do we need a condom?"

"Well, it's better to be safe. Are we covered? Or, I should ask, are you covered?"

"Yeah, we're covered," he leaned over to his nightstand drawer and opened it, rummaging around until he found a foil-wrapped packet. "You want to do the honors?"

Kate grinned before taking the condom from him and rolled him over onto his back before ripping open the packet and expertly sheathing Castle's length in latex. Then with a predatory gleam in her greenish brown eyes, she straddled his hips and once again reached for him, rubbing herself against his length before lining up and sinking down on him, letting herself adjust to the feel of him inside of her after months of not having sex. "Kate, you feel so amazing," Castle breathed out, watching her face as she moved down on him. "Are you okay?"

"Oh my god, Castle. I'm beyond okay. I'm fucking amazing," she grinned, moving down to kiss him before moving up and down on him, bracing herself against his chest. "You feel so good inside of me. I think I'd almost forgotten how good you feel."

Castle reached for Kate, pulling her down so that she was lying flat on his chest, his mouth seeking hers, his hands roaming down her body, all the while meeting her movements with his own. Holding her tightly against him, he rolled them so that she was beneath him. Kate wrapped her legs around his waist, changing the angle of Castle's thrusts. She gasped when he hit all of the spots that never failed to send her over the edge.

Castle knew that she was close. All he had to do was listen to her breathing to tell when she was close to orgasm. She closed her eyes and moved her hips frantically against him, needing more friction than he was providing. In desperation, she grabbed one of his hands and pressed it between her legs where they were joined. Taking the hint, he pressed his thumb hard against her swollen clit, feeling her instantly tighten around him, her sharp cries becoming more strident.

"Shit, Kate," he gasped against her shoulder. "Let go. Please let go for me."

Those words were all that she needed. Clasping her legs tighter over his hips, she felt Castle thrust into her hard once, twice, and finally a third time before she came hard, biting into his shoulder. It didn't take long for Castle to follow her, emptying himself into the condom before collapsing on her shoulder.

Kate was still attempting to get her breath when she felt Rick get up from the bed to dispose of the condom before returning to bed where he pulled her against him, cuddling her tenderly as she gradually came back to earth. "I hate to burst the bubble, but we need to call the kids," she kissed his chest.

When she called Lanie to check on the kids, she could hear them laughing and squealing in the background. "They sound like they're having a great time," Kate put the phone on speaker so that Castle could hear.

"They're fine," Lanie told her. "But I'll let them tell you themselves. Jack, Ariel! Mommy's on the phone!"

"Mommy!" Jack's voice made Kate smile. "Are you and daddy having fun? Sissy and I are playing cops and robbers with Uncle Javi! Sissy 'rested him and he's in the slammer."

"Daddy and I are having fun, baby. I just wanted to call before you go to bed. Let me talk to Sissy."

"Hi, mommy. I can't talk long. Auntie Lanie is trying to bail out Uncle Javi."

"Okay. I guess I'll let you go so that you can restore law and order. Ariel, I don't want you and Jack staying up too late, okay?"

"Don't worry, Kate," Lanie came back on the line. "I'm planning on stopping the criminal activity soon so that they can calm down before bed."

"Thank you. How's Hope?"

"Hope's terrific. I bathed her and put her down about 45 minutes ago. We'll see you early tomorrow afternoon."

"Thank you, Lanie," Kate hung up and placed her phone on the nightstand before rolling over into Castle's arms. "The kids are fine."

"I heard," he kissed her, allowing his hands to roam down her bare body. "What round would this be?"

"Who cares?" She slung her leg over his hip before reaching for him. "We have a whole box of condoms."

 **A/N #3: This chapter was much longer than I intended it to be. But I hope everybody enjoyed it.**

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	21. Holding Down the Fort

**DISCLAIMERS: No, the show still isn't mine.**

 **SUMMARY: While Castle is away, Kate tries to hold down the fort while she deals with Hope's first cardiologist appointment on her own.**

 **A/N #1: There will be a time jump of a few weeks in this chapter.**

 **A/N #2: Part 2 will deal with Hope's condition and Josh's upcoming parole hearing. While Kate will still be dealing with the postpartum psychosis, it's going to be a mere backdrop for this part of the story.**

 **A HOLE IN THE HEART**

 **PART II**

 **CHAPTER 21: Holding Down the Fort**

"Daddy will be home on Tuesday," Ari stated, looking up at her mother. "He can give Hope a bath when he gets home."

"No way," Jack shook his head in disagreement. "She needs a bath now because she really, really stinks." He wrinkled his nose to emphasize his point.

Kate was standing in front of Hope's crib with Ari on one side and Jack standing on the other. The three of them were staring down at Baby Hope, who stared up at them, kicking her legs and smiling. Smiling was something that Hope now did a thousand times a day. However, at the moment, the three of them were faced with a larger, smellier problem. Hope was in desperate need of a bath, which up till now, Kate had only done with Castle's help.

Castle was in Washington DC, on a book tour that was taking him into Maryland and Virginia. He was due home in two days, but Kate knew that there was no way she could leave Hope unbathed for two more days. "Mom, there's no way she can wait two more whole days," Ari spoke up, voicing Kate's thoughts.

"I know."

"I have a great idea," Jack jumped up, thrusting a tiny forefinger in the air. "We can undress her, put her on the floor and let Royal lick her. He'll get her really clean."

"Jack, that is disgusting!" Ari made a face while Kate tried to keep from laughing. "Do you know how many germs are in Royal's mouth?"

"Royal licks me when I'm dirty," Jack argued quite logically.

"There's only one thing that we can do," Kate looked at her two older children. "We have to launch Operation Bathe Hope. Ari, you get the baby bathtub and take it downstairs. Jack, you get the baby soap from your bathroom. Meet me in the kitchen."

"Cool! This is like war!" Jack ran from the room in excitement.

Kate scooped the baby up, wrinkling her nose in distaste. "Girl, you are one smelly baby. That's okay, we're going to get you smelling all nice and pretty again."

Once the lithium had finally kicked in, Kate felt herself feeling more normal, the good days now far outnumbering the bad ones. But the bad ones were still really bad. On the bad days, it was hard to function. Castle had been reluctant to go on the book tour, his first one since Kate's illness. But Kate had insisted. He'd only be gone a week and she promised to reach out to Martha or Alexis if the need arose.

For the past few days, she'd been getting by with just washing Hope down with a soapy washcloth, but today both of the kids had insisted that Hope needed a bath badly. Kate had to agree with them. She was getting pretty ripe. She took the baby into the kitchen and placed her on a towel on the kitchen counter, removing her clothes just as Ari walked in, lugging the tub. Pulling one of the footstools over, Ari stood on it and placed the tub over the sink. "Thank you, baby. Where's Jack?"

"Right here!" Jack ran in, brandishing the bottle of baby wash.

Kate ran some water into the tub before carefully placing Hope into it. Ari could see her starting to panic. "Mommy? It's okay. You've got this," she said the words she'd heard her father say hundreds of time in the past.

Kate gently wet Hope's hair before washing her carefully. She then washed her body, as Hope cooed and kicked her legs, making Kate smile. She loved how her personality was beginning to come alive with each passing day. She finally took the cloth and washed her face, which Hope never liked. "I think you are finally as clean as you're ever going to get," Kate lifted her from the tub and placed her on the towel, wrapping her up before taking her into the living room. "I forgot her clothes. Can one of you bring me a onesie and a diaper?"

"I'll do it," Ari offered.

"No, I'll do it!"

"Hey guys, come on. One of you can get the onesie and the other can get a diaper."

The kids stomped up the stairs while Kate continued drying Hope. She then rubbed some baby lotion on her just as the kids came down the stairs with clothes. "She smells much better, mommy," Jack told his mother.

"Yes, she does," Kate lifted Hope up, smiling at the adorable grin that came across her two-month-old daughter's face. "You two were a huge help. Thank you."

"We made a great team," Ari looked at her brother, who nodded eagerly.

"Yes, we did," Kate agreed.

"Sissy and I can stay home from school tomorrow so that you don't have to take Hope to the doctor alone. We can be your oral support," Jack said.

"You mean moral support," Ari corrected him.

"That's what I said."

"While I'd love to have the company tomorrow, you should really go to school. Do you remember when we talked about how I have to start doing things on my own?" The kids both nodded. "This is one of those things that I need to do by myself."

"But what if it's bad news?" Ari asked.

"Then I'll have to handle it. Or I'll talk to daddy and he'll help me to handle it. Ari, you and Jack are little kids. Daddy and I want you to be little kids. Daddy and I are the grownups. I know that you two want to help and you are, more than you will ever know. But let me and daddy handle any of the bad stuff from now on. Okay?"

"Okay," Jack looked at Ari, who nodded her agreement. "Can we eat now? I'm starving."

"Yeah, let's go make dinner."

Later that night after she'd fed Hope her last bottle of the evening, but before putting her down for the night, she opened her laptop and called Castle via Skype. "Hey," his smiling face soon greeted her. "How's my family?"

"About to turn in for the night. We all miss you. Hope's right here beside me. She's not quite asleep yet." She moved the computer so that Castle could see Hope lying on his side of the bed and sucking her thumb.

"Hi, Hope," Castle smiled when Hope opened her eyes, which were turning into miniature replicas of Kate's. "I miss you guys, too. Two more days, Kate. What did you do today?"

"The kids and I gave Hope a bath. We had to. She was about to run us out of the house. How does a small baby get so smelly? I was cleaning her several times a day, but she still stank."

"I used to wonder the same thing when Alexis was a baby. So, I take it that the bath went okay."

"It went fine. The kids were a huge help. They offered to stay home from school tomorrow when I take Hope to see Dr. Sayid."

"It's going to be okay, Kate. You have to keep telling yourself that. Call me tomorrow when you get home. If Dr. Sayid sets up an appointment, go along with it. I trust him, Kate. I trust that he knows what's best for Hope."

"Okay. I'm scared, Rick."

"I know and I'd be with you if I could. But I'm going to be at a book signing tomorrow, otherwise I'd fly in to go with you."

"I know that you would. What time will you be back at your hotel?"

"I should be back by five."

"I'll call you at 5:30. I'll text you before that if he tells me something bad."

"Kate, he isn't going to give you bad news. Look at her," he nodded toward where the baby was now soundly sleeping, her thumb still in her mouth. "She's happy and she's doing so well. She's perfect, Kate."

"Yeah, she is," Kate placed her hand on Hope's chest, feeling it rise and fall with her breathing. "I'll call you tomorrow evening and I'll see you Tuesday. I love you."

"I love you, too. Put Hope to bed and get some sleep yourself."

Kate ended the call and closed the lid on her laptop before placing it on the floor by the bed. She then lifted Hope into her arms, smiling when the baby stretched before settling against her mother's chest. "Let's go to bed, baby girl."

The next morning Kate took the kids to school before driving to Dr. Sayid's office for Hope's appointment. Rather than dealing with the Baby Bjorn, Kate opted for the stroller instead. She snapped the car seat into the stroller base before going into the building.

Once again, she found herself in a room with parents of other children, all of them battling heart defects of one kind or another. "How old is your baby?" The woman sitting beside her asked. She was holding a little boy of about two on her lap.

"She's two months old. How old is your little boy?"

"He's almost three. Dr. Sayid is going to schedule him for surgery."

"Open heart surgery? He's so little," Kate blurted out before wishing she could take it back.

"He's had surgery twice before. The first time was when he was 18 days old."

"What's wrong with him? I'm sorry if that's too personal, but I'm new to this and—"

"It's terrifying, I know. My name is Glynnis," the woman held her hand out to Kate.

"Kate and this is Hope," she nodded toward the stroller.

"This is Ben," she cuddled the small boy in her lap. "He has Tetralogy of Fallot. It's several defects, each of which has to be treated differently. He'll have several surgeries throughout his life. One of those surgeries was for a ASD."

"How do you—"

"Stay strong? I don't have a choice. He's happy. He knows that his heart has a boo-boo, but that's all that it is to him."

"Hope has an atrial septal defect. I still don't really understand what that means."

"Honestly, it means that she's luckier than most of the kids here. If Ben hadn't been born with an atrial septal defect along with the other defects, he would've died. Even if Hope eventually has to have surgery to correct the defect, it's a one-time surgery. She'll be in and out in less than an hour."

"Hope Castle," the receptionist called Kate and Hope to the back room.

"Thank you for talking to me. I hope everything goes all right with Ben."

"Thank you. Believe me when I tell you that Hope is going to be fine."

After settling in the examination room, Kate placed Hope on the table and removed her clothes except for her diaper. After undressing her, she wrapped her in a pretty pink blanket that had been a gift from Martha and sat down in a chair, holding the baby close to her. She smiled when Hope grabbed the satiny edge of the blanket and tried to put it in her mouth. "I know you're hungry," Kate kissed the top of her head. "Mommy will feed you as soon as we're finished here."

Hope gave a bright smile in response. Kate lifted her up so that she was eye level. "Daddy will be home tomorrow. I miss daddy. Do you miss your daddy?"

Hope just smiled more, which made Kate laugh. At that moment, Dr. Sayid entered the room with the nurse. "Good morning, Mrs. Castle. How is Hope doing?"

"I think she's doing well. She's starting to sleep through the night now."

"Let's take a look at her heart today and then we'll discuss whether I still feel that she needs an angiogram," Kate walked over and placed Hope on the table while the doctor turned on the ultrasound machine before placing a small dab of gel on the baby's chest, causing her to start crying.

Kate rubbed Hope's leg, hoping to calm her while she watched the video monitor. "Will the angiogram show you if the hole has got smaller?"

"Yes, it will."

"What happens if it hasn't got smaller?"

"We will give it more time. I won't do anything surgically until after Hope's first birthday. If it hadn't closed by that time, then it probably isn't going to."

"Will it cause problems if it doesn't close by then?"

"As long as Hope is kept on the beta blockers, she will be fine. Right now, it appears as if nothing has changed. Mrs. Castle, I understand that you're apprehensive about the possibility of an angiogram."

"I had a bad experience with one. I don't want my baby to be in pain."

"I promise you that Hope won't be in any pain. You and your husband can be with her when she has the procedure. Are you all right with scheduling this today while you're here?"

"My husband is away, but he told me last night to agree with an appointment."

"Dress Hope and we will set a date."

Kate dressed Hope, whispering to herself, 'Please don't make it the fourth of February.' After the baby was warmly dressed, she wrapped the blanket around her and settled in the chair while Dr. Sayid brought up an electronic scheduler. "What date works for you in February, Mrs. Castle?" He asked.

"Let me check," Kate reached down in her purse for her iPad and turned it on. "Any day during the second week will work. Can you do it then?"

"How about February 12th at 8:45 in the morning. I'll do the procedure at New York Presbyterian. It will take approximately three hours."

"How long will it be before we know the results?"

"You'll know the results that day. I can tell you the results as soon as the procedure is over. Hope won't like the procedure, but not because it will be painful. I will give her sedation for the pain, but she will need to be held down and I've yet to meet a child who enjoys that," he smiled.

"How will she be afterward?"

"She will be groggy and cranky, but she should be her normal self by the next day. You said that you had a bad experience. Was it because you were in pain?"

"No, I think I let my fear get the better of me. I guess we'll see you on February 12th."

Kate strapped Hope into her stroller and made her way back to the reception area where she was stopped by Glynnis. "Kate!" Glynnis ran up to her and placed a piece of paper in her hand. "It's a support group of sorts. I've met a lot of parents during hospital visits. We get together once a week and vent our feelings. It's pretty informal, but you're welcome to join us if you'd like."

"Thank you. I'll talk to my husband, but I'd be interested in meeting other parents."

***CCC***

That evening after letting the kids talk to their dad, Kate sent them upstairs to play. She rocked Hope in the baby swing by her side while she brought Castle up to date on what Dr. Sayid had said that morning. "He definitely said the angiogram will show if the hole is decreasing in size?"

"That's what he said. Castle, I met a woman in the doctor's office this morning. She said that she has created a support group with other parents of kids with heart problems. She said that they meet once a week to vent. I was wondering if you'd be interested in meeting these other parents."

"I don't know, Kate. What if Hope is improving and their kids aren't? It doesn't exactly seem fair."

"I was just thinking that if Hope isn't getting better, some of these parents can at least tell us what we can expect. Doctors never tell you everything."

"We'll talk about it when I come home tomorrow."

"But you promise that we will talk about it?"

"Tomorrow when I get home. I should be home shortly after you get the kids from school. Do you want me to pick up something for dinner?"

"No. I think I'll just call in for a pizza."

"That sounds great. I'll see you tomorrow afternoon. I love you."

"I love you, too. Have a safe flight."

***CCC***

"How was it holding down the fort while Rick was away?" Dr. Burke asked Kate the following morning.

"It was rough, at times, but it also felt rewarding. I proved to myself that I can take care of the kids without fear of falling apart."

"But you're happy that Rick is coming home today?" He smiled at her.

"I'm so happy that he's coming back today. I met a lady yesterday when I took Hope to the doctor. She has a support group for parents of kids with congenital heart defects. When I mentioned it to Rick last night, he seemed reluctant to meet these other parents. Why do you think that is?"

"I can't answer that question for you, Kate. Rick's the only one who can tell you why he's apprehensive. Did he tell you anything?"

"He said that if Hope gets better while these other children are so sick, that it doesn't seem fair. I guess he feels we'd be flaunting Hope's good health."

"What are your thoughts about Hope's upcoming angiogram?"

"While I'm still not crazy about the idea of her having one, at least now we'll know something regarding the ASD."

"I hope that all goes well."

"So do I."

***CCC***

It was drizzling when Kate picked the kids up from school the next afternoon to drive them home. "Will daddy be there when we get home?" Ari asked.

"He told me last night that he'll probably be home right after you get home from school. Are you excited to see daddy?"

"I miss him when he goes on a book tour."

"I miss him, too," Jack chimed in. "But I also missed you when you were at that bad place, mommy."

"Jack, the hospital wasn't a bad place. They helped me to get better so that I could come home to you and your sisters. Who told you that the hospital was a bad place?"

"Nobody. I just thought that it was a bad place because daddy was so sad all of the time."

Kate pulled into the garage and shut off the engine before getting the kids out of the car. She then unlocked the door leading into the house and hung her keys on a hook by the door. She took the baby carrier into the living room before taking Hope out of it. That was when she heard the laughter and squeals coming from Castle's office. She was about to go and investigate when her husband walked out of his office with a child in each arm. "Look, mommy!" Ari shouted joyfully. "Daddy's home! He got home before we did!"

"So I see," she walked toward Castle with Hope cradled in her arms. "You're early, Castle."

"I know. Nice surprise, huh?" He kissed her, laughing when he heard the kids groan. He then lowered Ariel and Jack to the floor before reaching for Hope. "Hello, Baby Girl," he laughed when she gave him a huge smile. "I missed all of you so much."

"We helped mommy give Hope a bath," Ariel told her father. "Jack, mommy and I were a team."

"I'm glad that you two were such a big help while I was gone. And the three of you make a great team."

"Let me change her and then I'll order pizza," Kate took Hope before going upstairs.

That night it was difficult to get the kids to bed because of their excitement over their father's homecoming. By the time they were finally asleep, Hope was awake and demanding her last bottle of the night. Kate was sitting in the nursery feeding her when Castle walked in and collapsed on the floor at her feet. "I am wore out," he threw his arms over his head. "So, she's really doing okay?"

"Dr. Sayid seems to think so. Castle, I'd like to go to the support group that Glynnis told me about. It would be nice if you'd come with me, but I understand if you don't want to."

"How many parents are in this group?"

"I don't know. Glynnis didn't say. It would be nice to be with parents who understand what we're going through."

"Kate, I just worry . . . when I was researching Hope's condition, I saw so many other defects. Defects that are just devastating. What if Hope gets better and these other children don't? I'm not sure I could handle that."

"One meeting, Castle. That's all that I'm asking for right now. Let me call her and we'll go to one meeting."

"Okay. I can do one meeting. I'm going to go and take a shower. Come join me when you're finished with her," he stood up and kissed the top of her head before leaving the room.

"Your daddy loves you so much," Kate looked down at the drowsy baby. "You're special to him because you were born right into his hands. I know that he's going to tell you that story a million times as you grow up. He's going to tell you about how I woke him up in the middle of the night because you were already on your way. You were in a big hurry, Hope."

After placing Hope in her crib and covering her, Kate walked downstairs to their bedroom. She smiled when she entered the ensuite and saw Castle through the shower door. She quickly undressed and opened the shower door, laughing when he pulled her in and closed the door behind them. But her laughter soon died away when his lips crushed down on hers, his hands hungrily traveling over her body.

When they got in bed half an hour later, Castle pulled Kate down onto his chest, allowing his fingers to trail down her spine. "I'm so glad that you're home," she murmured sleepily into his skin.

"I'm happy to be home. Get some sleep," he kissed her forehead as she closed her eyes and drifted off.

 **A/N #3: I'm going to be delving into Josh and the parole hearing in the next chapter.**

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	22. Explorations

**DISCLAIMERS: No, I don't own anything that you would recognize. I wish that I did, but I don't.**

 **SUMMARY: A lot of stuff in this chapter. A little Josh, a little Kate and Rick and a little Alexis and Brian.**

 **A/N #1: Thanks KJ for the suggestion on where to take this chapter. I felt so blocked.**

 **A/N #2: There will be a minor character introduced in this chapter who is based on the daughter of one of my muses. Everything that I'm writing in this chapter is based on watching the hell that they went through as a family.**

 **A HOLE IN THE HEART**

 **CHAPTER 22: Explorations**

 _Clinton Correctional Facility; Dannemora, New York_

The man sitting in the small office no longer resembled the tall, handsome cardiac surgeon that Kate Beckett had briefly dated so long ago. Josh Davidson was now pale and gaunt; his head shaved close to his scalp and now more gray than dark brown. Following his arrest and subsequent recapture, he'd had to earn back the good graces of the warden. He had worked his way up to where he was now allowed to work in the prison infirmary, taking care of the cardiac patients. It was a job that he'd now held for the past six years.

"Your parole hearing is coming up in about eight weeks. I'm here to see where you stand on your former girlfriend, Kate Beckett, and her family," the prison psychologist, Dr. Evan Deerfield, glanced at Josh over his notes.

"After I was recaptured, I was found to be suffering from severe bi-polar depression. I have been medicated since that time and haven't had any more breaks from reality."

"You haven't answered my question, Mr. Davidson. I'm here to evaluate you and give the parole board my honest opinion."

"If you're asking if I'm going to hunt Kate down when I get out of here, the answer is no."

"You didn't hunt Kate down when you escaped before. You went after her stepdaughter and then her father, injuring both of them severely. They arrested you in your former girlfriend's apartment, where you were holding her, Alexis Castle, and Kate's infant daughter, who you kept insisting was yours."

"That's because I had suffered a break from reality. I'm no longer psychotic. Kate and her family will no longer be in danger if I were to be released."

"How long did you and Kate date?" The doctor changed tactics, paying particular attention to Davidson's body language.

"Almost a year. I knew she was never in love with me though."

"Did she tell you?"

"She didn't have to. She'd tell me stories about her adventures with Castle and her whole face would just light up. She never looked at me the way that she looked at him. She thought that I was never there for her and we'd fight about it. But there were times when I really thought that she didn't want me there with her all of the time. I love her."

Dr. Deerfield made a note that Davidson had used the 'love,' indicating present tense. That was a huge red flag. "How did she feel about you? Did she ever say that she loved you?"

"No," Josh shook his head. "Not even when we had sex."

"Why did you take her to your mother's property upstate?"

"Again, I wasn't thinking clearly. I read that she had married Rick Castle and something inside of me sort of snapped. But I guess that I thought I could make her listen to reason and somehow convince her that she should be with me."

"Did you honestly think that she was going to stay with you when you knew that she'd had feelings for Mr. Castle for some time?"

"Like I said, I snapped."

"What about when you escaped and started calling her with threats that you wanted your daughter? Were you aware that Kate's daughter wasn't your child? Were you aware that there wasn't any way that was even possible?"

"I was angry," Josh's posture instantly became defensive. "She got the best of me; her and that writer."

"How did they get the best of you?"

"I underestimated her. She kicked me down a flight of stairs and broke my arm in three places. I won't make that mistake again."

Dr. Deerfield found Josh's words extremely telling. He made a few more notations before looking at the prisoner. "I believe that we're done for today."

"What're you going to tell them?" Josh asked as he got to his feet.

"Who? The parole board?" Dr. Deerfield asked as Josh nodded. "That's between me and them. You'll know soon enough what I told them."

***CCC***

"Is this the place?" Castle asked Kate.

"According to the address that Glynnis gave me, this is the place. She said you could park at the curb," Kate directed Castle to an empty spot right in front of the brownstone building where the support group was meeting.

Kate could tell that Castle still had reservations about meeting parents of other children with heart defects, but he'd agreed to come since she had wanted to so badly. They had left Ari and Jack with Alexis, but had brought Hope with them.

Kate removed Hope from her car seat and followed Castle up the front steps where he rang the buzzer for Apt. 308. "Hello?" A man's voice answered the intercom.

"Yes, we're here for the support group," Castle felt incredibly stupid. What if they were at the wrong house?

"Come on up," the front door buzzed, signaling that it was unlocked, so Castle opened the door and let Kate inside before following her and making sure the door locked behind them.

They walked up three flights of stairs, stopping in front of the door that had 308 on it. They could hear voices inside, so Castle pushed the door buzzer. Seconds later, a woman in her early 30's answered the door. "You must be Kate. I'm Emma. Please come in," she opened the door for them to enter.

"Kate, hi!" Kate smiled when Glynnis came over to her. "I'm so glad that you could make it."

"Thank you. Glynnis, this is my husband, Rick. Rick, this is Glynnis. I met her at Hope's doctor's appointment."

"Hi, Rick. Please come in and have a seat. We're pretty informal, so you'll meet everybody as things move along."

Besides Kate and Rick and Glynnis and her husband, there were three other couples in attendance along with a multitude of children of every age. "How many couples are in the group?" Castle asked as he took a seat beside Kate on a loveseat.

"There's about six to eight parents at any given time. The numbers vary depending on the situation," Glynnis explained. "Would either of you like coffee?"

"Yes, please," Kate said as Castle nodded.

Glynnis' husband, Bruce, was a huge man in his early 40's. He was dressed in a pair of faded jeans and a plaid shirt. He came over to introduce himself to Kate and Castle as Glynnis brought them both coffee. "Are all of you patients of Dr. Sayid?" Kate asked, trying to find a way to learn why they were here.

"Most of us are," Emma said. "Glynnis was telling us that your daughter is just a couple of months old."

"Yes, she'll be three months old on the 5th of February. We thought that she was fine and then—" Kate's thoughts drifted off.

"Our daughter was misdiagnosed. When she was 12 days old, she went into congestive heart failure. If Dr. Sayid hadn't been in the NICU that day, she would've died and we never would've learned what was wrong with her," Emma said.

"How . . . how was she misdiagnosed?" Castle asked.

"Mary Kathryn was eight weeks premature," Emma's husband, Matt, spoke up. "The doctor told us that she had a hole in her heart and that it needed to be repaired. We were naïve. I mean, we weren't first time parents, but we were first time parents to a micro-preemie. We didn't know that the hole was supposed to be there. It's common in premature babies because they haven't matured in the womb. We didn't know that the hole would close in time. We didn't know that the hole was actually keeping her alive."

Kate could see the emotion in Matt's face; she could hear it in his voice. She could hear the emotion and the anger. "What was wrong with her?"

"It's called Transposition of the Great Arteries. Her aorta and pulmonary artery were switched. That hole in her heart was allowing blood to flow to her lungs. When he closed it, he put too much pressure on her heart, causing her to go into heart failure. Emma and I were there every day. We kept telling the nurses that something wasn't right. But they kept telling us that Mary Kathryn was fine; that preemies aren't like full term babies. Dr. Sayid walked in to see to another baby," Emma had picked up the story. "He walked by Mary Kathryn's isolette and ordered tests to be done immediately. She was rushed to surgery within two hours of him first seeing her. He removed the Dacron patch from her heart, but the damage had already been done."

"What happened?" Kate was almost afraid to hear the rest.

"Mary Kathryn has survived, but it hasn't been without struggles. She's had so many surgeries and she's always in so much pain. And now we've been told that further surgeries just won't be possible. Dr. Sayid feels that she's just too frail to withstand any more trauma."

"What happened to the first doctor? The one who's responsible for her suffering?" Kate looked at Rick, who was staring at Hope.

"Nothing," Emma said. "Matt and I were going to file suit against him, but we were advised not to."

"Why?" Castle looked at the couple.

"Dr. Sayid told us after Mary Kathryn's surgery that he didn't blame us for wanting to hire an attorney. But he explained to us that if we were to relocate and another doctor saw that we had filed a suit against a cardiac surgeon, it could make future surgeons reluctant to treat her. And we were also told that it could take years to reach a resolution. So we decided to make Mary Kathryn's life as good as we could possibly make it. It's all that we've ever wanted for our children is for them to be happy."

"That's true," Castle agreed.

"Has Mary Kathryn had an angiogram? Dr. Sayid has scheduled one for Hope and I'm terrified. I had a bad experience with one and I don't want Hope to have to go through that," Kate told the group of parents.

"Mary Kathryn has had several angiograms. For the most part, they've gone well. And the one time that it didn't had more to do with a clash of egos than anything else," Emma said. "The first one is always the most frightening. With any luck, there will only be the one. While they will strap Hope down, you and Rick can still be with her. I promise you that she'll feel very little discomfort."

"Hearing that from someone who's been there does make me feel so much better."

"That's what we're here for," Matt told her. "To hold hands and offer encouraging words when they're needed."

A short time later, Castle excused himself to find the bathroom. After getting directions, he headed off down the hallway toward the bathroom. He was about to turn on the light when he heard a gasp from behind him. He turned around to find a young girl with long dark hair and huge eyes. She reminded him of those paintings of the ballet dancers his mother had once had hanging in one of their apartments. He'd seen pictures of concentration camp survivors who looked healthier than this small child. "Oh my god! It's really, really you! You're Richard Castle, aren't you? Oh my god! I've read all of your Derrick Storm and Nikki Heat books! Did my dad invite you here as some sort of a demented Make-A-Wish thing?"

"Uh, no. Your parents have let you read Derrick Storm and Nikki Heat? What are you, like eight?"

"Everybody thinks that," the young girl rolled her eyes. "I'm 13. I'm Mary Kathryn Bailey," she held her hand out to him. "And I'm a huge fan of yours, Mr. Castle. Is your wife here? Because I've never met a real life cop."

"Yes, she's in the—"

"Never mind! I'll find her! Go ahead and go to the bathroom!"

Castle watched as Mary Kathryn turned and walked toward the living room, her walk reminding him of Tim Conway on the old 'Carol Burnett Show.' She walked slowly and all hunched over.

The adults were all talking in the living room when Kate sensed they were no longer alone. "Mary Kathryn, what is it? Are you in pain?" Emma asked.

"Oh my god! I can't believe this!" Mary Kathryn walked over and stood in front of Kate, who stared up at the small girl, who seemed to be all long hair and huge eyes. "You're Det. Kate Beckett. I've followed you for years. Well, not exactly followed you because that makes me sound like a stalker, but—"

"Mary Kathryn," Matt got his daughter's attention. "What are you doing?"

"Daddy, you didn't tell me that Richard Castle was going to be here tonight. I've wanted to meet him forever."

"Mary Kathryn is a fan," Emma explained. "I'm so sorry. I didn't think she'd come out here and _interrupt_ ," she fixed her daughter with a glare.

"You read my husband's books?" Kate asked as Mary Kathryn eagerly nodded, flashing a smile full of metal braces.

"I even read the one about Jerry Tyson, but that one scared the crap out of me. But I'm a fan of yours, too. I've never met a real life cop before. I thought daddy had tried to do a Make-A-Wish thing again."

"They're here because they're checking out the group, Mary Kathryn. Now, please go and see what your sisters are doing."

"But I have a million questions."

"Mary Kathryn, go. _Now_ ," Emma sharpened her tone until the young girl left, once again walking slowly and all hunched over. "I apologize for that. We took her to a book signing once, but the line was so long and she got so tired. We finally had to leave. Kate, if you'd like, I can go up there with you when Hope has her angiogram. Just to lend the moral support."

"Let me talk to Rick and get back to you."

On the drive over to Alexis' to get Ari and Jack, Kate noticed that Castle was unusually quiet. "What did you think of the group?" She finally broke the silence.

"I liked them. I met a very young fan when I was looking for the bathroom."

"Mary Kathryn?" Kate asked as Castle made a face. "She wanted to play junior reporter, but her mother ended the interrogation and made her leave the room. I think she's dying, Rick."

"I know," he reached over and placed his hand over hers. "She was a funny little girl, though. I was shocked when she told me that she was 13."

"Her mother said that they took her to one of your book signings once, but the line was too long and she got tired, so they had to leave. I think that she'd get a kick out of having you sign a couple of books for her."

"Are you sure? She seemed to think my being there was part of Make-A-Wish."

"Matt was telling me that she thinks that a lot. He said they took her and her sisters to the Jersey Shore once and she was convinced that it was because she was dying and they wanted to make sure that she saw the ocean before she did. He said that she can be rather melodramatic. Emma offered to be there with us when Hope has the angiogram. I think it would be nice to have someone there who's been through it."

"We'll talk about it."

***CCC***

Alexis, Brian, and the two children were sitting around the dining table playing Chutes and Ladders. "Why did mommy and daddy take Hope to the party? Why couldn't we go?" Jack asked.

"They weren't going to a party, Jack," Alexis explained. "They were going to talk to other parents who have children with bad hearts like Hope. They should be back soon."

"I wish I had a bad heart."

"Jack, why would you say that?" Brian asked.

"That way I would get attention, too. Mommy and daddy will take me to parties if I had a bad heart," Jack got up from the table and left the room. Alexis' dog Rook immediately got up and followed him.

"What about you, Ariel?" Brian turned to his small sister-in-law. "Do you wish that you had a bad heart?"

"Are you kidding? I hate needles. I heard mommy and daddy talking about an angiogram, so I looked it up on YouTube. No way," she shook her head. "I'll go and check on Jack."

"I've seen your dad and Kate with those two," Brian looked at Alexis after Ariel had left the room. "There's no way that Jack is being neglected."

"I know, but I think they're still adjusting from their mom being in the hospital. Kate's a great mom. We'll talk to her and dad when they come to get the kids."

"Are you going to tell them what you've decided regarding Josh's parole hearing?"

"Yeah, they deserve to know," she smiled.

"What about the other thing? Are you going to tell them about that?"

"Not yet," Alexis shook her head. "But soon. Come on, let's go and check on the kids."

 **A/N #3: Mary Kathryn will probably make a couple of more appearances in this story. I used the late daughter of one of my muses as the inspiration. Her family took her to South Padre Island, Texas, and she thought it was because she was dying. Everything that was written in this chapter regarding the misdiagnosis, etc., actually occurred.**

 **A/N #4: Alexis' news probably won't be a shock to the readers, just to Rick and Kate. She's going to tell them soon enough.**

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	23. Unresolved Feelings

**DISCLAIMERS: No, I still don't own 'Castle.'**

 **SUMMARY: Kate has a session with Dr. Burke where she attempts to reconcile leftover feelings from her hospitalization as well as nightmares regarding the upcoming parole hearing.**

 **A/N #1: This chapter will pick up where the previous chapter ended, but there will be a time jump after that.**

 **A/N #2: To the guest reviewer who thought that 13 was a bit young to be reading Castle's books, keep in mind that this is a very precocious child. The inspiration for said child read 'Gone with the Wind' when she was seven. She scored off the charts on IQ tests.**

 **A HOLE IN THE HEART**

 **CHAPTER 23: Unresolved Feelings**

Jack and Ariel were in the living room playing tug of war with Rook when the doorbell rang. "I bet that's your mommy and daddy," Brian walked over and unlocked the door, allowing Kate and Rick into the apartment.

"Mommy! Why couldn't I go to the party? If I get a bad heart, will you take me to the party the next time?" Jack's sentences came out in a rush as he ran over to hug Kate's leg.

"Sweetie, daddy and I didn't go to a party," Kate bent down and lifted Jack into her arms. "And we don't want you to have a bad heart."

"But that's why Hope got to go to the party and we didn't. Lex said it's because Hope's heart is bad and the other people have kids like her."

"That's true, but sweetie, it wasn't a party. Daddy and I will talk to you about it when we get home. Thank you for taking care of them, Alexis."

"Are you kidding? We had a blast. We played CandyLand and Chutes and Ladders. Can I talk to you and dad for a minute before you go?"

"Sure," Kate looked at Castle, who nodded before placing the baby carrier on the floor. "Jack, you and Sissy play with Rook. Don't wake Hope up. Do you hear me?"

"Yes."

Kate and Rick followed Alexis into the small kitchen/dining room. "I've been thinking a lot about what you said that night about Josh. About how we have to stand up to make sure that he stays in prison."

"It's up to us, Alexis. He's a smooth talker. He can sweet talk himself right out of that prison if we don't talk to the parole board," Kate confirmed.

"You're sure that he won't be there?"

"Honestly, no. I don't know if he'll be there or not. But Alexis, you don't have to give your statement in person. You can send a letter or you can make a taped statement that will be played at his hearing."

"Are you going to go in person? Even if he's there in the room?"

"Yes, I'm going in person. Alexis, if he's there, I'm going to show him that I still have all of the power. He didn't win."

"Alexis, Brian can go with you," Castle added. "He can't participate in the hearing, but he can be there with you."

"Are you going to go?"

"If Kate wants me to be there, then I'll be there."

"I have to make sure that he doesn't get out, Kate."

"Do you mind if I ask what brought about this change of heart?" Kate asked.

"Brian and I have been talking about it a lot. I told him what Josh had done to you and he saw what he did to me. We just finally agreed that he can't get out and hurt anyone else."

"It's going to be hard, but you're not going to be there alone."

"Thanks, Kate," Alexis hugged first her and then her dad. "How was the group?"

"It was nice," Kate smiled. "We met some very nice people. If we go again, we'll see about taking Jack and Ari."

"Jack's fine," Alexis told them. "He just didn't understand why they didn't get to go."

When they got home, Kate helped Jack into his pajamas before tucking him into bed. "Do you really wish that you had a bad heart?"

"I wanted to go tonight, mommy."

"I know, buddy, but tonight mommy and daddy were meeting with other parents who have kids with bad hearts. I didn't know if there were going to be other kids there or not."

"Were there?"

"Yes, there was. So, if we go again, I promise that we will take you and Sissy. But Jack, I want you to try to understand something. We don't love Hope more because she has a bad heart. I love all three of you. And one day very soon, we're hoping that Hope's heart will fix itself. That way when she gets bigger, she can run and play like you and Sissy. I'm sorry that we didn't take you tonight."

"That's okay, mommy," he gave her an impish grin. "Can we go to the zoo on Saturday?"

"We'll see. Now, you need to go to sleep," she kissed him on the forehead before tucking his elephant next to him.

Her next stop was Ari's room where she smiled at the sight of her daughter already fast asleep with her Raggedy Ann doll tucked close to her and one of the cats sleeping on top of her feet. "Salt, you're spoiled rotten," Kate softly stroked the kitten, who arched her back and purred.

She walked downstairs to the master bedroom where she found Castle slowly rocking Hope in the chair by the window. "Did she wake up? I didn't even hear her."

"No, she didn't wake up. I just haven't taken her upstairs yet. I was thinking about Matt and Emma. I can't even imagine having to sit by and watch my child just fade away right before my eyes and not be able to do anything about it. How can one young girl get under your skin so quickly?"

"She intrigues you, doesn't she?" Kate sat on the edge of the bed, watching her husband with their baby.

"Yeah, I guess she does," he got up from the chair. "I'm going to go up and put Hope to bed."

"Okay."

***CCC***

 _A week before Hope's angiogram_

Kate was folding laundry and smiling at Hope who was enjoying tummy time on a busy blanket that had survived both Ari and Jack. She laughed at the sounds that she was making while she played with her toys. "Hope, are you having a good time?" Kate called out, watching her infant daughter kick her legs and babble nonsense.

In the past several weeks, things had been up and down as far as reconnecting with her baby daughter. But with the help of both Dr. Burke and Castle, Kate was making great strides. Kate was frustrated over the fact that she still couldn't hold Hope for long periods of time without the baby fussing and wanting her daddy.

Castle was writing in his office, but he'd left Hope out on her blanket so that she knew that her mother was nearby. Kate remembered the days when both Ari and Jack had spent time on the same blanket. They'd always enjoyed it when she got on the floor and played with them. After putting the laundry away, Kate got down on the floor with Hope.

At the sight of her mother right in front of her, Hope's brownish-green eyes opened wide before she gave Kate a huge smile. "Hi, princess," Kate picked up a rattle and placed it in front of Hope. "Do you mind if I join you? Come here," Kate sat up and lifted Hope into her arms, shushing her when she immediately started to fuss. "Shh, don't cry, Hope. Please don't cry. Look what I've got," Kate picked up another rattle that had a mirror in the center of it. "Who's that in the mirror? Is that Hope? She's such a pretty girl."

Castle stopped writing in his office when he heard Kate talking to Hope. He got up and walked to his doorway, stopping to watch his wife. "If you stand her on your legs, she'll start bouncing. It's her favorite thing to do." 

"Which I would know if I paid attention," Kate placed Hope back on her blanket, putting her favorite toys in easy reach before getting to her feet.

"Hey, stop beating yourself up," he walked over and put his hands on her shoulders. "You're doing fine. She doesn't fuss as much when you hold her. At least she doesn't start screaming anymore."

"But she's happier when I just leave her alone on her blanket."

"Kate, she's that way with me, too. All three of our kids have different personalities, but of the three, I think that Hope's the most like you."

"How so?"

"She's fiercely independent. You wait and see. She's the one who's going to insist on doing everything herself by the time she's two. What time is your appointment with Dr. Burke?"

"Two thirty. I guess I should finish with laundry before you have to go and get Jack at school."

"Don't worry about how you're doing with the baby. Dr. Burke will tell you if you're messing up."

***CCC***

"What's on your mind today, Kate?" Dr. Burke began their session.

"I don't even know where to start."

"Start with the first thing that you're thinking about."

"The closer that it gets to Josh's parole hearing, the more terrified I get."

"That's perfectly normal."

"I've been waking Castle up every night."

"Are you having nightmares?"

"I don't know."

"Something must be waking you up, Kate. Something that is making you fearful, so what is it?"

"I still don't remember most of it, but I remember that last morning so clearly."

"Do you want to talk about it?"

"He kept telling me that Castle didn't love me; he kept telling me that Castle wouldn't keep looking for me. But I knew that wasn't true. I knew how much Castle loves me. I knew that he would never give up looking for me. He'd never give up until he had all of the answers. That last morning when he walked me to the bathroom, I knew that I had to get away. He started to cuff me back to the bed and I kicked him. Then I ran, but he caught me on the stairs, so I kicked him again. I thought that I had killed him because his head hit four or five steps on the way down. It was the most sickening sound ever."

"Do you wish that he had died?"

"Sometimes," she bit her lip. "Does that make me an awful person?"

"It makes you human. What happened after you kicked him down the stairs?"

"I found the front door and there were four or five locks on the door. I thought he was going to grab me before I got the door opened. When I got the door opened, I didn't recognize anything. I didn't know where I was or how I could find a road. I just wanted to go home. I just wanted Castle to find me and take me home," she angrily wiped at the tears on her face. "This is what keeps waking me up."

"What does Castle do when you wake up? Do you talk about your dream?"

"He holds me. Sometimes he makes love to me. We don't talk about the dream. We don't talk about a lot of things."

"What other things do you not talk about, Kate?"

"That hospital was awful."

"It was supposed to be awful, Kate. If it was a fun place to be, you would've never wanted to leave. You don't talk about the hospital, at all?"

"No. He tells me about how hard it was taking care of the kids, but we never talk about anything that happened while I was in the hospital. I get that he had a rough time holding things together while I was gone. Am I supposed to feel guilty about that?"

"Kate, I'm sure that Rick doesn't tell you how rough it was to make you feel guilty."

"And now when we disagree, the kids freak out and think that he's going to 'send me away' again."

"Kate, if you'd like, I can bring both you and Rick in to open up some dialogue about the things that you're upset about."

"I don't want him to be mad at me."

"But you're clearly upset with him. Don't you want to clear the air? Don't you think that Rick deserves to know why you're upset with him?"

"Yes, he does," she wiped at her face again.

"What else is going on? How's Hope?"

"She's doing great," Kate smiled before taking out her phone and showing the doctor her latest pictures. "She has the angiogram next week. One of the women from the support group has offered to be there with us, but Rick—"

"What about Rick?"

"This couple have a daughter. She's had several angiograms, and she's so sweet. She's a huge fan of Castle's," Kate smiled. "But I think Rick's afraid of her."

"Why do you think that Rick's afraid of her?"

"Like I said, Mary Kathryn's very sweet, but she's obviously not doing very well. Both Ari and Jack are very fond of her and vice versa. Rick worries about what will happen if something happens to Mary Kathryn. He's worried about how the kids will handle it. How do we explain to them that sometimes children die?"

"I'm sure that Ariel and Jack are aware that Mary Kathryn isn't as healthy as they are. You explain her condition to them the way that you explain everything else to them; in words that they understand. Don't overcomplicate it. More than likely, though, they will come to you or Rick if they have questions. Be as honest as you can with them. Let me call Rick later and I'll schedule a time for you both to come in. Does that work for you?"

"Yeah, that works for me. Thank you."

***CCC***

When Kate walked through the door shortly before five, she could smell dinner cooking. She hung up her coat before making her way to the kitchen. "Mommy!" Jack ran over and hugged her around the waist.

"Hi, baby," she hugged him before going over to give Ari a kiss. "Where's your sister?"

"I just put her down before I started dinner," Castle answered, drying his hands before he walked over to greet Kate with a kiss. "Uh, Emma Bailey has called a few times. Kate—"

"I'll talk to her about the angiogram. Let me change clothes and I'll help you finish dinner."

"Daddy, are we going to visit the Bailey's again?" Ariel asked after Kate had left the room. "I like Mary Kathryn. She let me borrow _Heidi_. She has a lot of books in her room."

"I don't know when we're going to the Bailey's, Ariel. I'm glad that you like Mary Kathryn."

"She said that she was going to die. Little kids don't die. Only old people die," Jack joined the conversation, climbing on a barstool beside his sister.

"Does Mary Kathryn tell you that she's going to die?" Castle turned to the two children.

"Only all of the time, daddy," Ariel's tone was so reminiscent of her mother's that normally Castle would've laughed if he hadn't become so concerned. "She said that she's not even afraid."

"I don't want to die, daddy," Jack began to sniffle. "I'm still a little kid."

"Hey, buddy," Castle came around and scooped Jack up. "Nobody's going to die. Okay? Why don't you and Sissy go play so that mommy and I can finish dinner?"

Castle was still taking deep breaths to calm himself when Kate came back into the kitchen. "Where are the kids?"

"I sent them upstairs to play. Kate, I don't want Ariel and Jack around Mary Kathryn anymore."

"Castle, I know that Emma is being a little pushy regarding the angiogram, but that's no reason to keep the kids away from Mary Kathryn. I'll call Emma later and tell her that we don't need her there to hold our hand."

"Mary Kathryn has been telling Ariel and Jack that she's dying. Now our four-year-old is terrified that he's going to die."

"Did you talk to them about this?"

"That's what I was doing while you were changing clothes. Ariel is very blasé about the whole thing, but Jack is scared to death. I don't know what to say to them, Kate. They've never experienced the death of a loved one. I like the Bailey's, but I can't have Mary Kathryn filling them with fear."

"Let's get through dinner and then we'll talk to them. Okay?" She took his hand and squeezed it.

"Okay. How did it go with Dr. Burke today?"

"We'll talk about it later."

Sitting at dinner, Kate listened to the kids chatter about their day while she supplied the necessary comments from time to time. But her mind was on what Castle had told her a short time before. He was clearly very upset and she was, too. Emma Bailey had told her during one of the support meetings that she and Matt had made the mistake of giving Mary Kathryn too much knowledge of her condition. The young girl knew as much as the doctors who treated her. Kate knew that Ari and Jack were extremely bright, but she knew that she wanted them to remain children. She didn't want to raise them to be small adults. She knew they'd be adults soon enough. There was no need to push it.

After dinner, the kids were playing upstairs with Royal and the kittens when Kate and Castle came into the room and sat down on the floor with the kids. "Are we in trouble?" Ari asked, looking up from her play.

"No, baby. You're not in trouble. Daddy was telling me earlier that Mary Kathryn has told the two of you that she's dying. I was just wondering if either of you have any questions that you want to ask me or daddy," Kate said as Jack got up and came over to get in her lap. "Jack, do you have questions?"

"It was just a stupid story," Ari spoke up.

"Jack?"

"Is Mary Kathryn really going to die? Because she's just a kid."

"Well, she's been very sick for a very long time. And while it's true that most people don't die until they're very old, sometimes children do get very sick and they die."

"Is Hope going to die?"

"Hope's heart isn't as sick as Mary Kathryn's. She may have to have an operation if her heart doesn't get better, but the doctor has told me and daddy that Hope's not going to die."

"Why can't Mary Kathryn's heart get an operation to make it better? Why can't she just get a new heart? The Cowardly Lion asked Oz for a heart and he got one. Why can't Mary Kathryn just go to Oz?"

"Because that's a story, Jack. It isn't real." Ari went back to playing with Salt and Pepper, clearly nonplussed by the family meeting.

"I don't know why Mary Kathryn can't get a new heart. But I'm going to talk to her mother and ask her to not talk to the two of you about dying. I don't want her scaring either of you."

"She didn't scare me, mommy," Jack smiled at his mother. "I like Mary Kathryn. She plays games with us."

"I'm glad that you like her, little man," Kate pressed a kiss to the top of Jack's head. "I like her, too. Now it's time for baths and story time."

After bathing the kids and reading to them, Kate and Castle got them tucked into their bed before going into Hope's room to check on her one final time before going back downstairs. "My mother used to say that life never gives you more than you can handle," Kate said, staring down at the tiny baby peacefully sleeping in her crib, her small lips puckering up every so often.

"I've often heard that," Castle reached down and clasped her hands in his. "Are you okay?"

"I'm going to stay up here for a few minutes. That's okay, isn't it?"

Sensing that she needed some alone time, Castle squeezed her hand before releasing it. "I'm going to lock the house up and go take a shower. Come join me in a few minutes?"

"Yeah, I won't be long," she smiled at him, watching him leave the room and go back downstairs.

Taking a deep breath, she reached into the crib and carefully lifted the sleeping baby from it before walking over to the rocking chair by the window and lowering herself into it. Hope sleepily opened her eyes, giving Kate a smile before closing her eyes and going back to sleep. Rocking Hope, Kate thought about those words of wisdom that her mother was so fond of saying. But she found herself wondering if that was really true. Thinking back over her life since the age of 19, Kate wondered just how much more she was supposed to be able to handle. She'd already handled her mother's murder, her own near fatal shooting, being kidnapped by a psychotic ex, almost losing her son due to her own stubbornness. And most recently she'd survived almost losing her husband and daughter at the hands of a psycho serial killer and his evil mate. She didn't think she'd be able to survive any more tragedy. She didn't see how Emma and Matt Bailey could even put one foot in front of the other knowing that they were facing the imminent death of one of their children. She knew without a doubt that losing one of her children would destroy her.

After putting Hope back into her crib, she went downstairs to the bedroom. Hearing the shower running, she undressed and stepped into the bathroom, walking over to the huge glass enclosed shower and opened the door. Castle turned and smiled at her in surprise. "Hi," he reached for her, frowning when she stepped up and wrapped her arms around his waist, resting her head on his chest. "What's going on?"

"I'm so jumbled, Castle. Can you just hold me for a few minutes?"

Castle didn't say anything. He simple held her as tightly as he could while the shower pelted down on both of them. He knew that she'd been having bad dreams. Her cries in the middle of the night had told him as much. He didn't know what was troubling her, but he knew that she'd tell him when she was ready.

 **A/N #3: I wasn't crazy about the direction of this chapter. I promise the next chapter will be better.**

 **A/N #4: Yes, the real Mary Kathryn was that obsessed with death. It was a huge problem for her parents. Explanations will be forthcoming.**

 **A/N #5: There will also be more entries from Castle's diary that he wrote for Kate.**

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	24. Dreams and Explanations

**DISCLAIMERS: No, I don't own 'Castle.'**

 **SUMMARY: With the help of Dr. Burke, Kate and Castle begin talking about what happened during Kate's hospitalization.**

 **A/N #1: This will be the last chapter focusing on Kate's hospitalization. So I hope that I get everything accomplished in this chapter. This chapter begins where the previous one left off.**

 **A HOLE IN THE HEART**

 **CHAPTER 24: Dreams and Explanations**

Castle was lying in bed writing in his new notebook, a light clipped to the page the only illumination in the room. He didn't want to disturb Kate, who was sleeping soundly for the first time in the past several nights. He looked over at her and thought about the night before. He didn't know how long he'd stood under the shower, simply holding her, but eventually she'd stepped away from him. After lathering him up, she'd pressed up on her toes to kiss him before washing him. He'd returned the favor before they'd rinsed off, turned off the water, dried off and got into bed.

Instead of settling into her usual position of using Castle's chest for a pillow, Kate had turned so that her back was to him. "Are you okay?" He'd asked her.

"I'm just tired, Castle."

He had spooned himself around her, half-expecting her to draw away from him. When she didn't, he softly stroked her hip, eventually lulling her to sleep. It was only then that he picked up his moleskine, which was rapidly filling with new entries dedicated to his wife.

 _You're sleeping now, for which I'm grateful. The last several nights, you haven't slept well. I know that you're upset, but you won't tell me why. I hate it when you try to keep your anger from me. It always makes me think that I've said or done something to upset you. I know that you have so many things on your mind, which is why you've been having bad dreams. Or maybe they're flashbacks. I know that whatever they are, they're terrifying you. I can tell by the way that you cling to me when you seek me out in the middle of the night after having one._

 _I remember when we first rescued you from Josh. You held onto me and begged me to please take you home. I know how much you hate hospitals. You told me that after our first night together. I wouldn't have made you stay in that hospital if I had known that you were okay. But you looked so wild-eyed and so scared, Kate. I knew that he'd been giving you something. And you heard Gates when she saw you. She wasn't about to let you go home without being thoroughly checked out._

 _Those first weeks after coming home were rough, Kate. The least noise would send you running for cover. The night times were the worst. Those first weeks you'd wake me up a dozen times a night or more. But you wouldn't let me comfort you in the way that I was accustomed to. Josh ruined that for us for a long time. That intimacy that we had shared from that first moment together. Have I told you lately how much I hate Josh?_

With that last entry, he turned off the light and closed the book before placing it in his nightstand drawer and rolling over toward Kate, draping his arm over her waist, sighing when she snuggled closer to him.

***CCC***

Castle was making breakfast for the kids the next morning when his cell phone rang. He frowned when he saw the name on the caller id. "Castle," he answered brusquely.

"Rick, this is Dr. Burke. I was wondering if you come into the office with Kate this afternoon," the doctor's voice came over the line.

"Is everything all right?"

"Everything's fine. There's just some things that Kate brought up during her last session that I think need to be addressed."

"What time do we want us there?"

"How does 4:30 sound?"

"That's fine." Castle ended the call and looked at the table where the kids were watching him with expectant looks on their small faces. "How would the two of you like to spend the evening with Grams?" He brought breakfast over to them before sitting at the table.

"Why do we have to go to Grams?" Jack took a bite of his eggs. "Is mommy sick again?"

"No, buddy. Mommy's fine. We have an errand to run after Ariel gets out of school. I just thought that you'd like to spend some time with Grams."

"How long will your errand take?" Ariel asked.

"I don't know, sweetie. About an hour or so. I promise that it won't take very long. Now, eat your breakfast so that we can go to school."

Kate woke up to a quiet house. She pulled her robe on before going into the kitchen where she found a note from Castle on the counter. _'Kate, I took the kids to school. Hope is upstairs sleeping. We have a 4:30 appointment with Dr. Burke. Maybe you can tell me what that's about when I get home. Castle'_

Kate put the note aside before walking over and pouring herself a cup of coffee. She then went upstairs to check on Hope before returning downstairs to take a shower and get dressed. She knew from the tone of his note that Castle was upset. No, he was pissed. When Burke had said that he'd call Castle about coming in to see him, she'd assumed that he'd be seeing Burke _alone_. She wasn't even sure what she was going to say to him about her time in the hospital.

***CCC***

Kate fed Hope and had just placed her in her baby swing when Castle returned home. Seeing her father, Hope grinned and chortled in delight, which made Kate smile. "Hi, princess," Castle walked over and placed a kiss to the top of Hope's head. He then walked over and kissed Kate. "You were sleeping so soundly that I didn't want to wake you up this morning."

"Thank you, Castle."

"After we pick Ariel up this afternoon, we'll take the kids to the loft. Mother's going to keep an eye on them while we see Burke. Is there anything that I should be worried about?"

"I don't know."

"What do you mean you don't know?" Castle sat down on the sofa and looked at her. "Kate, what did you say to him yesterday?"

"You know that I can't tell you what I said. Can I ask you something, though? Everybody tells me what a rough time you had with the kids. Do you say it to make me feel bad or to make me feel guilty?"

"No, Kate. It was rough because they were scared and they didn't understand what was going on. If you think that I told you that to make you feel guilty, I'm sorry. That was never my intent. Is that why you're so upset with me? Don't say that there's nothing wrong, Kate. You haven't been sleeping; you've been waking up with nightmares—"

"The nightmares have nothing to do with you. He's going to be at that hearing, Castle. I have to look at him again and the thought terrifies me."

"Kate, you don't have to go to the hearing. Like you told Alexis, you can video tape your statement or send a letter—"

"No, I can't, Castle. If I don't go to that hearing and face him head-on, I'm always going to wonder if I could. I thought that he was going to kill me, Rick," her voice caught before she took a deep breath and continued speaking. "He kept telling me that you wouldn't keep looking for me. I keep hearing him say that over and over."

Castle got up from the sofa and walked over to her chair, crowding in beside her as she dissolved into tears. Kate had kept up a brave façade where Josh was concerned since he'd been sent upstate following his escape. The thought that he was never supposed to come up for parole had helped. The thought that she'd ever have to face him again had never occurred to either of them. Castle had lost count of how many times he'd told her that he never would've stopped looking for her. His not searching for her had been a common theme of many of her nightmares. "Kate, not finding you was never even an option," he held her as tightly as he could, resting his chin on the top of her head. "I would have turned over every rock in the world until I found where he was holding you. I can't begin to imagine a life that doesn't have you in it. You and our babies are my whole world."

"I thought that he was going to grab me. There were so many locks on the door. I thought that he was going to grab me before I got the door opened. There were so many trees when I got the door opened. I didn't know where to run."

Castle had to blink back tears when he thought back to that morning in the woods. When he and Ryan had found her, Kate was a disheveled mess, her eyes wide and wild. She hadn't even believed that it was Castle calling out to her. In her state, she'd thought that Josh was trying to trick her. He remembered Ryan cautioning him not to startle her. He also remembered holding his hand out to her and feeling her cling to him when she realized that it was him and not a trick of her mind.

"In my dreams, it's not you and Ryan," her voice was muffled against his chest. "It's not you and Ryan that find me. It's him. Except that there's two of him. There's two of him and I can't get away from them. And then he tells me, 'I told you that he wasn't going to find you, Kate.' And that's when I wake up. And that's why I wake you up. Because I have to know that you're there and that you did find me. Just please promise that you're not going to send me away again."

"Kate, why would you think that I would ever send you away? I didn't want to send you to that hospital. You know that, don't you? Is that what Burke wants to talk to me about?"

"He wants to talk to _us_ , Rick. That means you and me."

"Okay," Castle took a breath before glancing over at Hope. "Look at her, Kate."

"I know," Kate smiled as they both watched the baby, who was slowly swaying in her swing with her thumb in her mouth. "She's always so happy. I'm glad that she doesn't know what a wreck her mommy is."

"Hey," Castle got her to look at him. "We're going to get this straightened out."

Kate moved closer to Castle as he held her against him, the both of them watching Hope sleepily closing her eyes, her thumb still in her mouth. "I should get her out and take her upstairs," Kate murmured against Rick's shoulder.

"She'll be okay for a few minutes. Kate, is this going to be our existence for the rest of our lives?"

"What do you mean?" She straightened up to look him in the eye.

"Are we going to have to face the threat of Josh coming up for parole every few years for the rest of our lives? Because I'm not sure either of us can take it."

"No. Chief Gates told me that depending on what the prison psychiatrist says, Josh can be forced to serve out the rest of his sentence. That means if he's denied parole this time, he won't be released until the end of his sentence. Since he was sentenced to 10 years to life, he could spend the rest of his life behind bars."

"That sounds great to me. Let me get Hope and take her upstairs. Then I'll come back and make us some breakfast."

***CCC***

"Thank you for agreeing to come in, Rick," Dr. Burke started the session with Kate and Castle later that afternoon. "Kate, would you like to start?"

"I'm not sure I even know where to start. When you said that you were going to talk to Rick, I assumed that you were going to speak to him alone."

"Kate, I clearly said that I would call him so that you could both come in to talk to me. Yesterday you started talking about the hospital. But you were also talking about the nightmares that you've been having about Josh. So, where would you like to start?" He repeated the question.

"We talked about the nightmares this morning."

"So, I guess that leaves the hospital."

"Yeah, I guess that it does. I still have huge gaps where I don't remember things that I did," Kate pulled on a thread on the end of the sweater that she was wearing. "I just want to understand why you kept me away from my babies, Castle. Why that place? You acted like I was a criminal and I just want to understand why."

"Kate, I don't know what you want me to tell you."

"I was on a floor with women who had done horrible things to their children. I understand that they weren't themselves when they did it, but they were still murderers! I didn't hurt our kids, but I was treated as if I had! You locked me up there and I wasn't allowed so much as a phone call to my kids! You told Jack that I was in a horrible place—"

"No," Castle jumped to his feet. "No! I never said any such thing to either of our kids! I did tell them that you were getting help. But I never said the hospital was a horrible place."

"Then, why does he keep saying that it is? He had to have heard it from someone. If not you, then whom?"

"Kate, I don't know. Maybe my mother or Alexis said something to him. Maybe he overheard one of us. But I don't know."

"All I wanted was to talk to my kids on the phone for five or 10 minutes, Rick. It didn't even have to be every day. But once in a while would have been nice. I had my fucking rights violated like I was a criminal! That would've been okay if I'd been sent to prison. I could've even understood it if I had actually committed a crime. But all I did was run away to try to protect my kids!"

"Do you remember the night that we found you at the cabin, Kate? Do you remember any of it?"

"No," Kate shook her head. "I remember all of you there like you were storming the beaches of Normandy, but the rest of it is a blank."

"You don't remember going to lunch with Lanie and then going to JFK?"

"No."

"Lanie called me to make sure that you got home all right. At lunch, you accused her of conspiring with me and my mother to take the kids away from you. I didn't know where you had gone, Kate. I didn't know if you'd gone somewhere to kill yourself. I didn't understand what was going on. I didn't want to hospitalize you. That's the last thing that I wanted to do. But I talked to Dr. Burke and we both agreed that you needed help."

"Okay, I'll buy that. But why that place and why that doctor? Castle, he was a militant Nazi. So were his staff. I did what they asked me to and they still wouldn't let me see my kids!" She screamed at him. "I did what they asked and they still wouldn't even let me talk to them on the fucking phone! I hated you, Rick! I thought that it was your idea to keep me away from Ari, Jack and Hope."

"No, Kate," he approached her. "Dr. Mac told me that he thought that it was better for you if you could focus on getting better. He said that it would be less painful for them if they didn't see you until you get much better."

"You are the person who made me want to be better. You are the person who is always telling me what a great mom I am. And yet you kept my babies away from me."

"Kate, I never wanted to keep the kids away from you. I only went with what Dr. Mac was telling me. If there was a way that I could've kept you at home under treatment, I would have."

"When I got home, I researched the way that I was treated in that place. Do you and Dr. Burke know that he violated my rights? I had the right to make phone calls, I had the right to see my kids whenever I wanted to. I even had the right to check myself out if I wanted to. He and his staff denied me and every woman in that place all of those things!"

"Kate, some of those women are there under a court order, which means that they can't leave," Dr. Burke interjected.

"And that's the other thing. Why in the hell did you tell Rick to threaten me with a court order if he never had one?" She turned her rage onto her long-term therapist.

"Because he was desperate. We both agreed that if you fought us about going to the hospital, we'd tell you that we had a court order."

Castle felt like kicking himself listening to the more than two months of pent up anger that Kate was spewing. Dr. Mac had told him one thing while obviously telling her something completely different. He knew that he had to do some serious damage control. He walked over and sat down next to Kate. "Dr. Burke told me that Dr. McIntyre was the best when it came to treating postpartum depression. I didn't meet him until the night that you were admitted to the hospital. Kate, I never would have kept you away from the kids. He told me that it wasn't a good idea for you to see Ariel and Jack until you'd stabilized. I thought that was for the best. You were a wreck and they'd already seen too much."

"He told me that if I wanted to talk to the kids, I had to earn it. I followed their rules, Castle! I went to therapy and to group! Every time I asked to see Ari and Jack, I would just get more excuses."

"Kate, why didn't you tell me any of this when I visited you?"

"Because I didn't think you'd believe me. I figured that you'd think it was more of my delusional ramblings. But you were the one who did this to me. You research everything, Castle. Why in the hell didn't you research the prison that you were sending your wife to?"

"Kate, if anybody's to blame for sending you to that hospital, it's me," Dr. Burke interrupted. "I've known Dr. McIntyre for 25 years. I was the one who recommended him to Rick."

"I hated him," Kate wiped at her face. "He'd make Castle bring Hope and then he'd tell me that I had to hold her. He didn't understand that I wasn't ready to hold her! If I touched her, I'd only hurt her! Rick, I honestly don't remember that night in the cabin. I do remember running because I was scared that I was going to hurt my babies and I was going to hurt you. I ran because I believed that they would be safer with you."

"Kate, if you had said something to Rick, he could've taken you out of there. We would've explored other options to treat you."

"I thought that there was a court order. I thought that I didn't have any other options."

"Kate, I was desperate to get you some kind of help. I wasn't only worried about the kids; I was worried about you. I was losing you and I didn't know how to get you back. If I had any idea of what they were telling you, I would've taken you out of there in a heartbeat. I am so, so sorry. I know that there aren't enough ways to let you know how sorry I am. I wish I had known."

"Well, now you do."

"Kate, I can put in a call—"

"No, don't," Kate told him, her eyes wild. "I'm out of there now."

"But those other women are still in there under his thumb. You'd be doing this for them," Dr. Burke reminded her.

"Fine. Whatever," Kate waved her hands in the air.

Castle knew that Kate was still very upset when they left Burke's office. "Can we go and get some coffee before we go pick up the kids? It might give both of us a chance to calm down."

"Yeah, okay," she agreed.

They went to a nearby Starbucks where Castle bought them both coffee before they sat at a small table in a far corner. "I can't say it enough, Kate. I'm so sorry. I just knew that you needed help and Burke happened to know a guy."

"I know that finding a doctor specializing in postpartum depression is hard. But Rick, with your connections and your money, you could've put me in a private clinic somewhere. I get that you were desperate, but that place was awful."

"Again, I'm sorry," he reached across, covering her hand with his. "If I had it to do over again, I would've got you private help."

"I don't want to talk about this anymore, Castle. We still have to take care of Hope and we have Josh's parole hearing still to get through."

"Are you sure that you got everything out of your system?"

"Yeah. I let you and Dr. Burke know how I felt. If Burke can do something that'll help those other women still under Dr. Mac's care, then my ranting will have achieved a purpose."

"Let's get the kids and go home."

***CCC***

"Why can't Royal sleep in my bed?" Jack asked when Kate was tucking him in later that night. "Sissy has the cats on her bed. Why can't I have Royal in my bed?"

"Because he's bigger than you are. He'll take up your whole bed," Kate smiled at her son. "But I'll ask daddy if we can move Royal's bed up here to your room. Would that be okay?"

"That would be great!" Jack's whole face lit up, much like Castle's did when he was overjoyed by something.

"Jack, can I ask you a question? Why do you keep calling the hospital where I went a bad place? They were helping me to get better, so it wasn't a bad place."

"Daddy was always so sad. So was Grams. I didn't like them being sad. I still think you were sent to a bad, bad place, mommy."

"No, Jack. I'm sorry that daddy and Grams were sad. I'm sorry that you had to see that. If the hospital had been a bad place, I wouldn't have got better so that I could come home to you and your sisters."

"Did you like it there?"

"No," Kate shook her head. "I missed all of you so much."

"You're not going to go back there, are you?"

"No, Jack. I'm going to stay right here with you, daddy and the girls."

"I'm glad. Because I was sad when you weren't here. So was Sissy."

"Go to sleep now, okay?" Kate grabbed Valentino the Elephant and placed him within Jack's reach before kissing him goodnight.

"You'll talk to daddy right now about Royal?"

"I'll talk to him, but I don't think we're going to move Royal up here tonight. I love you. Now go to sleep."

When Kate walked downstairs, she heard noises coming from Castle's office. When she poked her head in the doorway, she was shocked to find Rick sitting in front of his laptop with his hands covering his face, muffling the sound of his sobbing. "Castle? Rick?" She spoke his name and approached him, sitting on the edge of his desk and gently pulling on his hands to force him to look at her. "What's going on?"

"I'm sorry, Kate. You were right," he turned his laptop so she could see the Google searches he'd brought up regarding psychiatric commitments. "If I had just taken the time and did my research—"

"Rick, no. You explained why you didn't. I was angry, but I understand. What if I had stayed here instead of running away that day? I could've hurt Hope or one of the older kids. I love you so much," she leaned in, letting her lips brush against his "You're the one person who has always tried to protect me from myself. I don't always like it, but I know why you do it. Now," she got up and took his hand, tugging him to his feet. "Let's go into our room and take a long shower together."

"I don't know how to make this right."

"You'll make it right the way that you always do. Come on. Let's go take a shower and then you can read to me."

"How many times have you read that journal now?"

"I've lost count. I love it."

After they were settled into bed a little while later, Kate rested her head on Castle's shoulder and handed him the book, which was now battered from her constant reading of it. "What do you want me to read?"

"Read to me about the first time we made love."

"Oh, you want a little X-rated literature tonight, do you?" He flipped through the book, wincing when he felt Kate punch his shoulder. "Ow! What was that for?"

"Don't read about the actual sex. Read what you were thinking when I first showed up at your front door."

Castle found the entry and kissed the top of Kate's head before he started reading.

 _I really didn't think that I was ever going to see you again. We had had an awful argument and I told you that I was done. I refused to stand by and watch you die trying to solve your mother's murder. You tried to call me after I returned from Alexis' graduation, but I turned off my phone. Imagine my surprise when just minutes after refusing your call, you showed up at my front door, dripping wet. I was even more taken aback when you lunged at me, announcing that you just wanted me. You have always taken me by surprise, but that was the last thing that I expected. I was too stunned to even react. That is until your fingers lightly touched my lips and then all bets were off. At that moment, every dream that I'd ever had of you was coming true. I knew that I was about to make love to the last woman that I'd ever be making love to. And you still have no idea how very much I love you._

"I love that entry," Kate kissed his bicep. "I knew that we were going to be spectacular."

"Mind blowing."

"Sensational."

"Are you trying to one-up me, Beckett?"

"No," she smiled up at him. "But we're still spectacular, mind blowing and sensational, are we not?"

"Yes, we are. What you just did in the shower proves that we're still all that and so much more. I love you."

"I love you, too. By the way, our son wants Royal to start sleeping in his room."

"We'll talk about it tomorrow," he kissed her softly and sweetly, smiling when she slid down so that her head was resting on his chest.

 **A/N #2: To Kelley, I hope that this is what you were looking for by way of an apology. If not, I don't know how else I can fix this.**

 **A/N #3: I am in shock over the termination of Stana Katic and Tamala Jones from 'Castle.' Words can't even to begin to describe how I'm feeling at the moment.**

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	25. Birthday Wishes and Birthday Surprises

**DISCLAIMERS: No, I don't own 'Castle.'**

 **SUMMARY: Two birthdays and two very different birthday surprises.**

 **A/N #1: I'm writing two chapters ahead of what I'm posting, so I want to take this opportunity to thank everyone for the kind words regarding my new character in Chapter 22. Mary Kathryn will be making another appearance in this chapter.**

 **A/N #2: There will be two time jumps in this chapter.**

 **A/N #3: This is in response to the guest reviewer for 'The End of the Story.' You know who you are. The one who called me an idiot. That story was my way of saying goodbye to Beckett. Yes, I had to write it. However, I didn't twist your arm to make you read it. And I really don't appreciate being called names. I put my email address at the end of every chapter of every story that I write. If you have a problem, email me and we can discuss it. Don't call me names on a public forum.**

 **A HOLE IN THE HEART**

 **CHAPTER 25: Birthday Wishes and Birthday Surprises**

 _The night before Hope's angiogram_

"Happy birthday to Mary Kathryn, happy birthday to you," the small group gathered around the birthday girl finished singing as Mary Kathryn, along with the help of her sisters, blew out the candles on her chocolate cake.

"What did you wish for, Mary Kate?" Eleven-year-old Alexandra asked.

"If I tell, it won't come true. Everybody knows that."

"Can we eat cake now, mommy?" Jack asked his mother.

"Jack, this is Mary Kathryn's day," Kate laughingly reminded her small son. "Jack loves chocolate cake," she told Mary Kathryn.

"So do I, but I can't have it very often. Mom, let's have the cake first and then I'll open presents," Mary Kathryn's huge blue eyes implored her mother.

"Okay."

After Mary Kathryn had opened her gifts from her family and the few other guests in attendance, Castle left the room, returning moments later with a huge box. "Your mom and dad told me that you waited in line to get a book signed, but that the line was very long and you got very tired. I want you to know how privileged you are, because I've only privately signed books for one other person."

"Are you kidding? I get my very own book signing? Mr. Castle, this is great!"

"Calm down, Mary Kathryn," Matt Bailey cautioned his over-excited daughter.

"Dad, I'm fine," Mary Kathryn rolled her eyes.

While the others were in the other room after all of the gifts were opened, Castle signed every one of his books for Mary Kathryn. "Hope's going to be okay, you know?"

"And how do you know that? Are you psychic or something?" Castle teased.

"It's what I wished for. The first angiogram is the scariest. I don't remember my first one, but my mom said she and my dad were really scared. Hope won't feel anything. They don't hurt. They just feel kind of weird."

"Can I ask you a question?" Castle asked watching her nod. "Your mom and dad did say that you had one bad experience with the angiogram. Kate had a bad experience, too. What happened during yours? Or is it a touchy subject?"

"I'll tell you on one condition. Will you name a character in your next book after me? Only without all of the health problems."

"Sure. Do you want to be a hero or a villain?"

"A really bad-ass villain would be good."

"One bad-ass villain, it is."

"When I was five, I had to have an angiogram before I had major surgery. I couldn't feel anything, but I knew that something was wrong. When I tried to tell the radiologist that something was wrong, he told me that I was just a little kid and that I didn't know anything. Well, it turned out that he was threading the catheter in wrong. He didn't realize it until he couldn't see anything on the monitor. I couldn't walk for three days because it left a huge hematoma on the inside of my leg. I told my dad that if that guy was working the next time I had to have an angiogram, I was walking out. I remember the tech's name, too. It was Mr. Wong. I always called him Mr. Wrong after that." She saw Castle smile a little.

"Wow, I'm so sorry."

"Don't be," she stated, very matter-of-factly.

"I did think that you'd wish for something for yourself rather than wishing for Hope to get well."

"Well, I could wish to go back to school, but that's not going to happen. Not as long as I have this thing," she pointed at a spot between her neck and shoulder blade that was covered with a square of gauze.

"Your mom and dad said at the last meeting that you could probably have that removed if you'd start eating more."

"Eating makes me sick and not eating makes me sick," the young girl shrugged. "The doctor said that I was the youngest patient that he'd ever had who was suffering from pancreatitis. When he told my mom and dad what it was, he suggested that they have me tested for AIDS, because it's often a symptom of it in children. It really upset my dad a lot. He told my mom that if was AIDS, he'd put me out of my misery."

"Can I ask you something else?" Castle asked as Mary Kathryn once again nodded. "Why are you so obsessed with death and dying?"

"Mr. Castle—"

"Rick," he corrected her.

"Rick, I'm sorry that I scared Ariel and Jack. I really didn't mean to. I've lived with this for 14 years. I was okay for a little while after they fixed everything. But when I was 11, I got really sick. At first they thought that it was my appendix, then they thought that it was my liver. It took them almost three months and literally hundreds of tests before they found out that it was pancreatitis. I did a lot of research when I found out what it was. Did you know that it's mainly drug addicts and alcoholics who get pancreatitis? That, and kids with AIDS, which I don't have. I'm not scared to die. At least if I die, I'll be free from all of this pain. I won't have to listen to my mom and dad crying when they think that I don't hear them. Most kids are scared of me because they think that I'm a freak. Nobody wants to hang around with the girl who walks like Groucho Marx and can't go to school, anymore. Plus, I scare them because I'm smarter than most of them."

"Why did your parents let you start reading my books so young?"

"My parents have always encouraged me and my sisters to read. Their motto is that as long as we can understand it, we can read it. I read 'Gone with the Wind' when I was seven years old. It's still my favorite book of all time. I know what your favorite book is," she smiled at him. "'Casino Royale.'"

"Wow, you are almost a stalker," he told her as she started laughing.

"Stalking would involve following you around very intrusively. I can't even leave the house except to go to the doctor."

In the living room, Kate helped Jack with rest of his cake before sitting down near Emma. "How has she been feeling?" Kate asked.

"She has her good days and she has her bad days. But the bad days are now outnumbering the good days and they're really bad."

"I'm so sorry, Emma."

"Castle's gift made her very happy. Right now, that's all Matt and I care about anymore is seeing her happy. Hope's going to be fine, Kate. She'll be cranky because she won't like being strapped down, but I promise she won't be in any pain during the procedure."

"That's good to know."

"Call me after you get home."

"I will."

***CCC***

"The kids had a good time tonight," Castle said to Kate, who was nestled on his chest, her fingers slowly stroking his chest and abdomen.

"She's dying, Castle. Emma said tonight that Mary Kathryn's bad days are outnumbering her good days. I don't see how they are even functioning. I think if it was one of our kids, I'd be cowered in a corner of our bed."

"They have to function. They have three other children who need them. She's truly an amazing kid, Kate."

"I know. Ari and Jack are crazy about her."

"That's good, because she told me today that most kids avoid her because they think of her as a freak. She read 'Gone with the Wind' when she was seven years old. I can't even wrap my mind around that."

"She's crazy smart, that's for damn sure."

"We need to get some sleep. We have an early day tomorrow."

The next morning, Martha arrived at the house so that Kate and Castle could take Hope to the hospital for her angiogram. Per instructions, Hope hadn't been fed since the night before, which made for an extremely cranky baby by the time they arrived at the hospital. Kate's nerves were already on edge by the time they were taken up to the floor for the procedure. She was rocking Hope and trying to calm her when a nurse came into the room pushing a cart in front of her. "I'm going to start an IV to put Hope under general anesthesia for the angiogram. This will be the only time she'll feel anything," the nurse gave Kate a reassuring smile.

Kate held Hope while the nurse swabbed the back of the baby's hand and expertly started an IV in her tiny vein before tying it to a board to make it immobile. Kate felt like crying herself when she heard Hope's pain-filled scream. "Shh. It's okay, sweetie."

"The orderly will be in shortly to take her to radiology. You can wait in here for her to come back. The procedure will only take 45 minutes to an hour."

"Wait!" Castle turned toward the nurse. "I thought that we'd be allowed to go with her."

"I'm afraid that's not possible. Hospital policy."

"Castle—"

"Where's Dr. Sayid? Find him and tell him that we want to talk to him now."

"I'll have him paged," the nurse turned and left the room.

"Castle, they told us that we could go with her," Kate was almost in hysterics. "I can't let her go by herself."

Several minutes later, Dr. Sayid came in followed by an orderly. "I understand that you have questions, Mr. Castle."

"Yes, I do. I thought that we were going to be allowed to be with Hope when she had the angiogram. Now we're being told that it's against hospital policy."

"Mr. Castle, Hope is going to be fine. However, it's really for the best if you and Mrs. Castle wait here for Hope. The room isn't very big and it's a sterile environment. Hope will be back here before you know it and I can then let you know the results of the angiogram."

"I thought that you weren't going to put her under," Kate said, glancing down at the now sleeping baby.

"The general anesthetic will keep her from fighting the radiologist when he does the procedure. You can take her home as soon as she's awake. You can walk her down there if you'd like," he offered as Kate nodded.

Castle slipped his arm around Kate as the two of them walked behind Dr. Sayid, the orderly and the nurse down to radiology. He felt Kate stiffen up when the doctor took Hope from her. The second that the door closed behind them, Kate turned into Castle's arms, clutching his shirt as she broke down in sobs. "Shh," he whispered into her hair. "Kate, she's going to be okay. Come on, let's go back to her room and wait."

"Castle, I need to be with her."

"I know. I know, sweetie. And you will be soon. Come on."

Castle finally managed to get Kate to follow him back to the room and to the narrow hospital bed where he continued to hold her against his chest as she cried. After several minutes, she looked up at him with red-rimmed eyes. "Tell me Hope's story, Castle. Tell me about the night that she was born."

"You woke me up sometime in the middle of the night. When I went into the bathroom, I thought that you had fallen. Then I saw the floor and knew that your water had broken. I was going to call 9-1-1 for an ambulance, but you told me that there wasn't time. You told me that I needed to call emergency services and then pray that they got there before the baby did. I called 9-1-1 and told the operator that we needed an ambulance. Then you screamed that the baby was coming right now. I was so scared, Kate," he smiled at her, "but then you told me that you needed me. Hope was fast, Kate. I dread what's to come when she starts walking."

"So do I."

"I remember when she came out, she looked at me and . . . my heart was gone. She was so beautiful and you were such a trooper. It was among the top 10 greatest events of my life."

"She has to be okay, Castle. I can't face a future like the one that Matt and Emma Bailey face. I can't face losing one of our kids."

"We won't," he kissed the top of her head.

Kate leaned into Castle's shoulder and allowed her thoughts to drift while she waited for Hope to be brought back to them. It was a little more than an hour later when the door opened and the nurse walked in, holding Hope. "How is she?" Kate asked, reaching for her infant daughter.

"She's fine. Dr. Sayid will be in shortly to talk to you. Hope did very well," the nurse smiled before leaving the room.

Kate and Castle looked down at the soundly sleeping baby, who except for a small Band-Aid on the back of her hand where the IV had been, looked none the worse for wear. Upon closer examination, Kate also found another small Band-Aid on the inside of her left thigh where the catheter had been inserted.

Dr. Sayid walked into the room 10 minutes later, carrying a clipboard and smiling. "Hope will be waking up soon. The procedure went extremely well. And I have very good news. The hole has gotten smaller."

"It's closing?" Kate asked.

"It would appear so. It still won't completely close for several more months, but it does appear to be closing."

"You won't have to do another angiogram, will you?" Castle wanted to know.

"No. I did the one today to make sure there were no other defects. Other than the ASV, Hope is fine."

"Thank God," Kate collapsed against Castle's shoulder.

"As soon as she's fully awake so that I can assess her, you can take her home. She might have some discomfort later. If that's the case, give her either Tylenol or Motrin."

"Can I feed her when she wakes up?" Kate asked anxiously. "She hasn't had a bottle since last night."

"The second that I'm done assessing her, you can give her a bottle. I know that she's going to be very hungry. I'll come and check on her soon. Wait about half an hour and then try to start waking her up."

When Hope did begin to wake up, as predicted, she was cranky. Dr. Sayid examined her quickly while her ear splitting screams of hunger rang in the room. "I don't think that she likes you much," Castle raised his voice to be heard over the screams.

"I know, and I'm not even the person who did the procedure," he smiled before turning toward Kate. "She's fine, Mrs. Castle. Give her a bottle and I'll get her discharge papers."

"Thank you," Kate lifted the baby into her arms before taking a bottle from the diaper bag. The instant that the nipple was placed in her mouth, Hope began to drink hungrily, her hazel eyes fixed on her mother. "I'm so sorry, princess." She looked over at Castle before reaching out for him. "She's going to be all right, Rick."

He sat on the bed and wrapped his arms around both Kate and the baby. Both of them wept tears of joy as they held each other.

***CCC***

 _Three weeks later_

Kate and Castle were throwing a party celebrating Hope's ongoing recovery as well as Castle's upcoming birthday. The older kids were busily running back and forth while Hope babbled happily while being passed from one person to another. "Girl, this has got to be the most cheerful baby ever," Lanie commented while bouncing Hope on her lap, laughing at the baby laughter emanating from Hope.

"You should hear her around Jack. I don't know what he does, but he makes her laugh like crazy," Castle said.

"Not to bring up a maudlin topic, but how's it going with the other thing?" Espo took a drink of his beer.

"Well, it's going to happen. I just hope that we can keep him behind bars," Kate said.

"Alexis, have you decided if you're going to the hearing or not?" Jenny asked.

"Brian and I have done a lot of talking about the pros and the cons. I agree with Kate. We have to keep him behind bars. Speaking of which," she looked at her father, "I want to give dad his gift now. Is that okay, dad?"

"Yeah, of course, pumpkin. But why the rush? We're going to open all of the gifts soon."

"This gift is kind of for everybody," Alexis stood up and handed her father a large cream colored envelope.

"Did you buy a cruise for all of us?" Espo teased. "A cruise would be kind of cool."

"Before you open it, could you bring the kids down here?" Alexis asked just as Castle started to tear open the envelope.

"I'll go and get them," Kate got up and left the room.

While she was gone from the room, Castle shook the envelope. "Hmmm, no rattle. It must be a check."

"Dad, why would I need to give you money?"

"Okay, Castle. The gang is all here. Go ahead and open Alexis' gift."

"Actually, it's from me and Brian," Alexis corrected Kate.

Castle opened the envelope and removed the card and began reading it. _'To the World's Greatest Dad on his Birthday.'_ "This is true. I have the novelty mug to prove it," he smiled at Alexis, who just rolled her eyes. But the joking stopped when he opened the card. "Oh my god, Alexis."

"I've wanted to tell you, but I also wanted to wait until it was safer."

Castle pulled out the sonogram picture and handed it to Kate, who passed it around to the rest of their family. He then got up and rushed over to his daughter, pulling her into a crushing embrace. "I love you so much!"

"Why is daddy crying? Is something wrong?" Ariel asked.

"Oh no, sweetie," Kate walked over and knelt down in front of the kids. "Daddy's crying because he's happy. Alexis is going to have a baby."

"Is she having a boy baby or a girl baby?" Jack asked.

"I don't know yet, Jack," Alexis told her brother. "Hopefully we'll know pretty soon."

"I can't believe it! I'm going to be a grandpa! How do you feel?" By now, he'd been joined by Martha, who was just as excited at the prospect of being a great-grandmother.

"Actually, I feel great. This is why I've decided that I have to go to that hearing. I have to protect my child from the threats of Josh Davidson and people like him."

As they all congratulated Alexis and Brian, Kate smiled. It was wonderful to be able to celebrate something once again after so many months of uncertainty and gloom.

 **A/N #3: I think there will be maybe two or three more chapters in this story.**

 **A/N #4: The story that Mary Kathryn told Castle about Mr. Wong is a true story. She was five years old and even at that young age, knew more about her condition than most of the medical professionals treating her. She kept telling this radiologist that something was wrong. He told her (he had a heavy accent, she told me): 'Oh, you just little girl. You don't know what you talking about.' Well, it turned out that she was right and he was wrong.**

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	26. A Time to Dance, A Time to Mourn

**DISCLAIMERS: I don't own anything that any of you would recognize.**

 **SUMMARY: I call this the 'Seinfeld' chapter, because it's really about nothing. Just a filler to act as bridge between Ch. 25 and the next chapter, which will be about Josh's parole hearing.**

 **A/N #1: I'm issuing a tissue alert for this chapter.**

 **A/N #2: The song 'Circle' is written and sung by Harry Chapin.**

 **A/N #3: There is a lot of debate regarding young children and funerals. Please bear with me with this chapter. It's not necessarily something that I agree with, but it is something that happened to one of my muses.**

 **A/N #4: I'm sorry it's taken so long to update. There are two more chapters plus an epilogue. The chapters are finished and I'm going to work on the epilogue today. This story will be completely posted by the end of the weekend. For those of you who have compared my writing in this story to the current Season 8, I apologize. I admit that I got somewhat off-track and was never really able to reel myself back in. I promise that my next story will be much, much better. Oh and no more Mary Kathryn after this chapter, for the guest reviewer who truly hated my inclusion of her.**

 **A HOLE IN THE HEART**

 **CHAPTER 26: A Time to Dance, A Time to Mourn**

"So, how are you feeling?" Kate asked Alexis over lunch a few days after the announcement of her pregnancy.

"Pretty good most of the time. I'm starving _all_ of the time," she said as Kate laughed.

"So was I. When I was pregnant with Ari, your dad would cook me a full meal and an hour after I ate, I'd make him go get me donuts or something else to eat. I was surprised that I didn't roll when I walked."

"I want sweet and salty snacks constantly. Last night it was caramel popcorn and the night before it was potato chips with plain M&M's. Brian asked me why I don't want ice cream and pickles."

"With Jack, I'd want omelets with totally off the chart ingredients. Ingredients that made your dad's smorlettes seem like gourmet cuisine. What did your mom say?" Kate began to eat her salad.

"That she's too young to be a grandmother. She thought that Brian and I were going to wait."

"What were you supposed to be waiting for?" 

"I don't know. We both have good jobs; we're buying our townhouse; we have money in savings. We're both ready. Can you do me a favor though?"

"Sure."

"Can you ask dad to stop with the toy deliveries from Amazon? We don't have any more room in the room that we're going to use for the nursery."

"I'll tell him, but Alexis, he's so excited."

"I know. I'm happy that he's so excited. I'm excited, too."

"You're going to make a terrific mom, Alexis," Kate smiled.

Later that night, Rick was reading in bed when he spied Kate coming out of the bathroom with a huge smile on her face. He put his book aside and sat up straighter in bed as she crawled up the bed toward him. He let out a grunt when she straddled his lap. "Okay, you have my undivided attention now," he wrapped his arms around her, his lips chasing hers.

"I had lunch with Alexis today," she sighed when his lips found the sweet spot on her neck. "She wants you to stop with the deliveries from Amazon."

"But I'm excited," he whined, pulling back from her. "I'm going to be a grandpa."

"We know that you're excited, but Alexis said they're running out of room. Martha is hoping that the baby will be a redhead."

"You do know that my mother's red hair comes from a bottle, right?" He quirked his eyebrow at her.

"But Meredith's and Alexis' don't. Speaking of your ex-wife, you might want to call and explain to her that like it or not, she's going to be a grandmother."

"I don't like talking to Meredith. I didn't even like talking to her when I was married to her," he dropped his head to her shoulder, feeling Kate chuckle against him.

"Rick, she's upsetting Alexis and it's never a good idea to upset a pregnant woman."

"Okay. I'll call her tomorrow. Now, can we please pick up where we left off?"

***CCC***

"The hearings in a little more than two weeks," Dr. Burke started his and Kate's session the next morning. "How are you holding up?"

"Good, most of the time. But then sometimes I remember back when he was on trial for what he did to me. I remember being on that witness stand and having to tell everybody in that courtroom what he had done to me and the terror comes rushing back."

"I remember helping you through that, Kate. I can help you through it again."

"You are," Kate smiled. "Believe me, you are. If it weren't for you, I would've probably done something awful to my baby. Or to myself."

"I'm glad that I've been able to help."

"I do have a question, though."

"What's on your mind, Kate?"

"As you know, Alexis and Brian are expecting their first child. Martha is going to be a great-grandmother; Castle and Meredith are going to be grandparents. I was just wondering what I'm going to be. I mean, Alexis and I established a long time ago that she'd never refer to me as her stepmother. What is this baby going to call me?"

"That's an interesting question. Why don't you discuss it with Alexis and Brian? There are a lot of blended families who face the same dilemma, Kate."

"I haven't felt out of the loop where Castle and Alexis are concerned for a long time. I remember that Lanie once told me that I had to make my baggage match their baggage. And I did, for a long time. But now, the family dynamics are changing. And I feel like an outsider once again."

"You told me once that Alexis' relationship with her mother is complicated."

"That's true. It is."

"How is her relationship with you? Is it also complicated?"

"No," Kate smiled. "Alexis and I have a great relationship. She's come to me for advice for as long as I can remember."

"Then is there any reason why you wouldn't consider Alexis' baby your grandchild, too?"

"No, of course not. I just worry that Alexis won't feel the same way. Or that Meredith will be jealous if she learns that I'm going to be the baby's grandmother."

"Why do you care so much about what Meredith thinks? You're the one married to Rick. She had her chance and blew it."

"That's true," Kate shook her head as she laughed softly. "Alexis used to joke about us raising our kids together. Alexis is due in late November. Hope will be about a year older than her baby."

"They're going to be terrific playmates."

"Yeah, they will."

***CCC***

Saturday evening, Kate invited Alexis, Brian, and Martha over for dinner. Following dinner, the adults all gathered in the living room while the two older children played upstairs. Kate was sitting in the recliner, idling rocking Hope, who was fighting sleep. "I had a session with Dr. Burke earlier in the week. I told him about your pregnancy," she smiled at Alexis. "I've been wondering about something."

"What's that?" Alexis asked.

"All of you are going to have titles. Of course, you and Brian are going to be mommy and daddy; your dad and mom are going to be grandpa and grandma—"

"Oh, my mother has already said she doesn't want to be called grandma," Alexis interrupted. "To quote Shirley MacLaine in 'Terms of Endearment,' she thinks she's too young to be a grandmother. Kate, you've been a major part of my life since I was 15 years old. You've been there for me when my mother couldn't or wouldn't be. As far as I'm concerned, you're this baby's grandmother. If he or she starts to call you grandma, I'm going to have no problem with that."

"Are you sure?"

"I'm very sure," Alexis began laughing when Kate jumped up, startling Hope in the process and ran over to embrace Alexis tightly.

"Oh, thank you, Alexis! Thank you so much!"

Later when they were in bed, Castle turned toward Kate, who was reading from her journal. "What was that all about earlier? With you and Alexis?"

"I don't know, Castle. I guess it was just me wanting to be a part of something with you and Alexis. There have been times since we began our relationship when I felt left out. I was afraid that it was going to happen with the baby."

"Oh, Kate," he drew her close, kissing her softly while cradling her face in his palms. "Alexis absolutely adores you. She always has. There was never any doubt in my mind that she wants you to be a huge part of her child's life."

"I'm so glad. Because I just wanted to be a part of this."

The next morning, Kate was making pancakes for the kids when the house phone rang. She smiled when she saw the caller id. "Hi, Emma," she said cheerfully. "Can I call you back? I'm making breakfast for Rick and the kids."

"Kate," Emma's voice was strained. "Matt and I are at the ER with Mary Kathryn. She woke up this morning and told her dad that she wanted to go to the hospital. She has a tension pneumothorax. That's a—"

"A collapsed lung," Kate finished the sentence for her. "Have they put in a chest tube?"

"That's just it, Kate. She doesn't want one. Even such a minor procedure can kill her. The doctor was threatening to get a court order."

"Oh god, Emma," Castle walked into the room and mouthed 'Who's on the phone?' "Hold on, Emma," she put her hand over the phone. "It's Emma. It's not good, Castle. Can you check on the kids? I'll tell you everything when I get off of the phone."

"Kate?" Emma's voice came over the line.

"I'm sorry, Emma. I was just talking to Rick. Do you need anything? We can get the girls—"

"No, the girls are with my sister. Kate, Mary Kathryn's dying. Without the chest tube, the doctor said she'll go into respiratory failure. He said it could be anywhere from six to 18 hours."

"Emma, I'm so, so sorry," Kate felt hot tears sliding down her face. "Please let us know if there's anything that we can do."

"I will. I'm going to go and be with Mary Kathryn now. I'll keep you posted."

Kate hung up and quickly swiped her hands across her face. She knew that she needed to talk to Ari and Jack, but she wanted to talk to Castle first. It was only moments later that first Jack and then Ari skipped into the room. "Look at you two, all bright-eyed and bushy-tailed."

"What does that even mean?" Jack looked behind him before looking at his sister's behind. "We don't have tails."

"It's just an expression, buddy," Kate told him. "Where's daddy?"

"Hope was awake, so he was changing her. Are we still having pancakes?" Ari climbed up on a stool.

"Yes, we are. Are you hungry?" Kate poured pancake batter on the griddle.

"I'm sooo hungry," Ari complained.

"So is Hope," Castle walked in, carrying Hope in his arms. He walked over and took a bottle from the refrigerator before walking over to Kate. "Say good morning, mommy."

"Good morning, princess," Kate touched Hope's cheek, smiling when she received an answering smile. "Babe, I need to talk to you after breakfast."

"Is something wrong?" He asked, before popping the bottle in the microwave and setting the timer.

"It can wait until after breakfast."

Watching the kids eat a short time later, it never ceased to amaze Kate how many pancakes two small children could possibly consume. They were like bottomless pits. She looked across the table at Castle, who just smiled and shook his head in wonderment. After consuming four pancakes each, they finally asked to be excused. "They're definitely your children," Kate picked up their plates and took them to the kitchen.

"Hey, you have a healthy appetite yourself," he finished helping her clean the table. "What did you want to talk about?"

"Emma called earlier. Mary Kathryn's lung collapsed. The doctor has said she won't live through the day."

"Kate, a collapsed lung is nothing. Put in a chest tube—"

"Mary Kathryn refused it. They were told months ago that she wouldn't survive any more surgery, not even something as relatively minor as a chest tube. Rick, I don't know how to tell the kids. How do we tell them that she's dying? Do we take them to the funeral?"

"Hey," he walked over and pulled her into his arms, feeling her clutch at his shirt and sob. "It's going to be all right. We'll tell them together. As for the rest of it, we'll let them decide. They're smart kids, Kate. If they want to go, that's fine. If they don't want to go, that's fine also. Now, I'm going to go and put Hope in her swing. Pull yourself together and let's go talk to Ariel and Jack."

Pulling away, Castle wiped the tears from Kate's cheeks with the pads of his thumbs before giving her a lingering kiss. He then left the room to put Hope in her baby swing and to go bring the kids downstairs. Kate took a deep shuddering breath before splashing some water on her face. After drying her face, she walked out to the living room where she smiled at the sight of Castle sitting on the sofa with a child on either side of him. She then looked over at Hope who was contentedly swinging in her musical baby swing, cooing at the hanging toys and kicking her legs.

She walked over and lifted Jack up before sitting next to Castle and placing her son in her lap, wrapping her arms securely around him. "Mommy, what's wrong?" Ari's bottom lip began to quiver. "Is something wrong with Lex or Grams or Pop-Pop?"

"No, sweetie. They're all fine. Mary Kathryn's mommy called this morning. Mary Kathryn is in the hospital."

"Is she going to be okay?" Jack craned his head to look at his mother.

"No baby, she's not."

"Can't the doctors fix her?" Ari began to cry.

"Ariel, the doctors have been fixing Mary Kathryn for a very long time. But they can't do anything more to fix her."

"That's not fair!" Ari jumped to her feet, pointing her small finger at her father. "When you were hurt, the doctors fixed you and you're old! I don't want her to die! It isn't fair!" She repeated before turning and running up the stairs. Seconds later, Kate jumped when they heard her door slam shut.

"Mommy?"

Kate looked down at Jack, who was once more fixing her with the exact replica of his father's blue eyes. "Yeah, baby?"

"Mary Kathryn will go to heaven, won't she?"

"Of course she'll go to heaven," Kate hugged Jack closer to her, not wanting him to see her tears.

"Will she go right away?"

"I don't know, Jack. Why don't you stay down here with daddy and Hope while I go talk to Sissy?" She stood up and handed Jack over to Castle.

"Do you want me to come with you?"

"No, I've got it."

When Kate walked into Ari's room, the little girl was sitting in the middle of her floor with her arms wrapped around Royal, her arms wound tight around the dog's neck. Kate eased herself down and gently disengaged her daughter's arms before pulling her into her lap, softly stroking her long tangled curls as Ari gradually cried herself out. "I know that you don't think that any of this is fair and you're right. It isn't."

"Will Mary Kathryn go to heaven?" Ari repeated the question Jack had asked earlier.

"Yes, she'll go to heaven."

"Will my Grandma Jo-Jo take care of her?"

"I'm sure that she will," Kate smiled through her tears.

"I'm going to miss her, mommy."

"I know. I'm going to miss her, too."

The dreaded call came later that night, after the kids were in bed. Castle was in his office attempting to get some writing done. Kate was curled up on the loveseat in his office, re-reading the journal that he'd given her when her cell phone rang. Castle watched her face when she looked at the caller id. "Hello?" Kate's voice was trembling when she answered the phone. "Okay. How are Emma and Matt? Do they need anything? When you talk to them, please send them our sincerest condolences. Thank you, Glynnis," Kate ended the call before tossing her cell phone and burying her face in her hands, her wracking sobs echoing in the room.

Castle immediately got up from his desk and rushed over to her, cradling her in his arms, his tears mixing with hers. "It's okay, Kate. She's out of pain now."

He finally coaxed her into going to bed where she lay in his arms and cried even more, eventually crying herself to sleep. Unable to sleep himself, he opened his nightstand drawer and pulled out his new journal and his light. Clipping the light to the top of the opposite page, he began to write.

 _Our friends Matt and Emma lost their daughter Mary Kathryn this evening. No parent should ever have to bury their child. It seems to go against the natural order of things. Kate has taken her death very hard. We haven't told the kids. How do you even tell two small children that a friend has died? Are we supposed to take them to the funeral? How do we even explain to them about a funeral? I haven't been to a funeral since Capt. Montgomery's funeral. I don't even know what to think right now. My thoughts are a jumbled—_

Kate's ear splitting screams rendered into the stillness of the night. Castle jumped, causing the notebook in his hands to go flying. By the time he got his nerves under control, Kate was already starting to hyperventilate. "Kate," he said her name quietly before she realized that he was calling her name. "It's okay. You're dreaming. You're okay now."

"My mom," she was gasping for air.

"Hold on," he got up and went into the bathroom, returning moments later with a glass of water. "Here, drink some of this."

She took a few swallows of water before giving the glass back to Castle. "I saw my mom. And it wasn't my mom the way that she looked in the alley that night. It was my mom when I was home from college for Christmas, right before the murder. But she knew everything, Castle. She referred to our babies by name. And she . . . she told me that Mary Kathryn will be okay. Am I crazy, Castle?"

"No, love," he pulled her closer to him. "I believe that she came to you. Remember when Ariel would see her before you had Jack?" He asked as she nodded. "I think that's what's going on now."

"Ari asked me if my mom would take care of Mary Kathryn. Should I tell the Bailey's?"

"No. I'm not sure they would understand. I was sitting here writing in my journal and thinking about the funeral. I was thinking that we could take the kids to the visitation to see how they react to the open casket and all of that. If it upsets them, I'll ask my mother to watch them when we go to the funeral."

"Yeah, we could do that."

***CCC***

Walking into the funeral home two days later for the visitation was rough. Kate had explained to the kids that Mary Kathryn would be there in an open casket. Ari had seemed to have a rough grasp of that concept, but she could tell that Jack didn't fully understand.

Castle was walking in front of her, holding Jack's hand while she followed with Ari. Castle lifted Jack into his arms when he approached the casket. "No!" Jack's howls erupted in the otherwise quiet room. "No! Make her wake up! Mary Kathryn, wake up! We can read 'The Wizard of Oz!' Daddy, make her wake up!"

"Castle—"

"I've got him," Castle wrapped his arms around Jack and quickly removed him from the room.

"Ari, do you want to go out with daddy and Jack?" Kate glanced down at Ari, who was staring into the open casket with a curious look on her face.

"No," she shook her head. "I'm okay. She's not here anymore, mommy."

"I know, baby."

"No, I mean she's here, but Grams said that her spirit has already flown away. Doesn't that sound pretty? Do you think that her spirit really flew away like an eagle?"

"Yeah, I guess that it could have. Come on, there are other people waiting to say their goodbyes."

"Can I stay here for just one more minute?"

"One more minute. I'm going to be over there talking to Mr. and Mrs. Bailey, okay?" Ari nodded, so Kate made her way over to the grieving parents.

"Kate," Emma Bailey embraced her. "Thank you so much for coming and thank you for the beautiful flowers."

"Castle is outside with Jack, but he asked me to give you this," Kate handed Emma an envelope. "We made a donation to the Pediatric Cardiology Ward at New York Pres in Mary Kathryn's memory."

"She would've loved that. Thank you."

"How are the girls?"

"Alexandra keeps asking when she can go back to school. It's infuriating."

"Children process grief differently than we do. We know that death is final. Children don't understand that until they're much older. I hate to just run off, but I need to see about Jack. Please call if you need anything."

"I will, Kate. Thank you again."

Kate went to get Ari and walked her out to where Castle was walking around with Jack, who now had his head on his father's shoulder. "How is he?"

"I don't know."

"Jack?" Kate reached her arms out, breathing a sigh of relief when he went to her. "It's okay, sweet boy. We're going to go home now."

"I don't want to see her anymore, mama."

"Okay, buddy. You and Hope can stay with Grams tomorrow, okay?"

That evening after giving him a bath, Kate sat on the side of Jack's bed, smoothing her fingers through his unruly hair. "Mama, if they close the lid on that box, then Mary Kathryn won't be able to get out. It'll be dark in there and she'll be so scared."

"Jack, I know that right now you won't understand what I'm talking about, but the Mary Kathryn that you saw today isn't really here anymore. She's gone to heaven."

"Is it pretty there?" 

"I hope that it is. But I don't really know. None of us really do."

"But I won't see her, anymore."

"I know, but you will always have good memories of her. Memories of her reading to you and playing G.I. Joes."

"Will she be able to play with other kids in heaven?"

"That's the best part of all, Jack. She'll be able to play as much as she wants to without hurting."

"I guess that's okay," he yawned as Kate smiled. "But I don't want to see her anymore, Mama. That box was scary."

"I know. Daddy has already talked to Grams. She's going to come over bright and early tomorrow to stay with you and Hope. I'm going to go and say goodnight to your sisters. Go to sleep," she stood up and bent down, kissing him on the forehead.

A short time later, Castle walked into the master bedroom to get some notes he'd made for his latest novel. He saw the bathroom door closed and assumed Kate was taking a bath, until he heard the unmistakable sounds of muffled crying. "Kate?" He walked over and lightly knocked on the door. "Are you okay?"

"Come in, Castle," she called out, looking up from her position by the tub when Castle opened the door and walked in. "The casket scared Jack. That's why he got so upset. He was scared of what was going to happen when they closed the lid on Mary Kathryn. I explained to him the best that I could that Mary Kathryn really wasn't there, anymore. I'm not sure how much he understood."

"He's a smart boy," Castle slid down until he was next to her on the floor. "Maybe it was a bad idea to take him."

"We wouldn't have known if we hadn't at least tried. When all of this is over with Josh, can we go somewhere? All of us as a family before I have to go back to work?"

"Where would you like to go?"

"I don't know. Maybe we could take the kids to Disneyworld in Florida. I just want to get as far away from New York as we can get and still stay in the states."

"How about California? Remember when we took Ariel when she was a baby?"

"That's where she learned to walk," Kate rested her head on Castle's shoulder, smiling at the memory of their infant daughter taking her first halting steps in their hotel room. "I loved the Santa Monica Pier."

"I remember. Would you like to invite your dad, my mother, Alexis, and Brian?"

"Yeah, that would be great. We could have a true family vacation," she gave him a wide smile.

***CCC***

The funeral the next morning was a blur. Kate and Castle sat in one of the pews with Ari sitting between them. Various people got up to speak about Mary Kathryn, and the pastor read several bible passages. Finally, Matt Bailey stepped up to the podium. "Mary Kathryn couldn't run and play like her sisters, so she would lose herself in books and music. This was her favorite song."

Kate listened to the words and stole a quick look at Castle, who had tears running down his face. She reached across Ari for his hand, feeling him close over her hand in a vice-like grip.

 _All my life's a circle_

 _Sunrise and sundown_

 _The moon rolls through the nighttime_

' _Till the daybreak comes around_

 _All my life's a circle_

 _But I can't tell you why_

 _The seasons spinnin' around again_

 _The years keep rollin' by_

The song was so true. So much had happened in the last few months that it was hard to process, but life kept going on. And Kate knew that it would keep on going after everything was over today.

***CCC***

"I've called you here today to talk about your upcoming parole hearing," the warden looked across his desk at Josh Davidson, who was in the office along with the guard who had brought him down. "After reading the reports from the prison psychiatrist, I have decided that the parole board will be questioning you via closed circuit TV."

"Why?"

"I'm not required to provide you with an explanation, Davidson."

"Kate's behind this, isn't she? What did she do? Pull rank to make sure I couldn't attend the hearing in person?"

"Again Davidson, I don't have to provide an explanation. Get him out of here."

"Let's go, Davidson."

Walking back to his cell, Josh was fuming. He silently vowed that if he made parole, Kate Beckett and that writer husband of hers was going to pay.

 **A/N #5: I know that this was a long filler. The next chapter we go before the parole board.**

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	27. Facing Your Fears

**DISCLAIMERS: I don't own 'Castle.'**

 **SUMMARY: Kate, Alexis, and Jim talk to the parole board regarding Josh.**

 **A/N #1: I'm still utterly disgusted about what has happened on 'Castle,' but I've also decided that the show must go on. So, onward and upward. There will be one chapter after this one and then an epilogue. However, I want all of my followers to know that I will continue writing 'Castle' fan fiction. I'm going to pretend that Season 8 never happened. To me, the show ended with 'Hollander's Woods.'**

 **A/N #2: This chapter will have an M rating.**

 **A/N #3: I'm going by my timeline of when I married them in my universe. In my universe they got married in May of 2014.**

 **A HOLE IN THE HEART**

 **CHAPTER 27: Facing Your Fears**

It was a five-hour drive between the Castle's house in Massapequa to the Clinton Correctional Facility in Dannemora, New York. They left at five in the morning on a cool April morning. They had already been told that there would be several hearings before theirs and that it could be as late as three or four in the afternoon before they were finally able to tell their stories.

Castle rented a van so that they could all make the trip in comfort. Ryan and Jenny had agreed to take care of the three kids since Martha was busy with her acting school. "Have you ever been to a parole hearing, Kate?" Alexis asked from the backseat of the van.

"No," Kate shook her head. "Police officers don't have a say in when a convict gets paroled. For a very long time, neither did the victims. I'm glad that's all changed. I'm glad that we have a say in whether he gets out or not."

"What are the chances that he'll get paroled?" Alexis' voice was shaking.

"Alexis, I really don't know. _If_ he is released, he'll be given conditions that he must follow or he'll be charged with a parole violation and he'll be returned to prison to serve out the remainder of his sentence."

"It'll be okay, Alexis," Brian took her hand. "Just tell them what you told me last night. If they aren't moved, then they don't have a heart."

They arrived at the prison shortly before 11 that morning and went through the process of having their bags searched before being led to an elevator which took them to a long corridor with doors on either side. A smartly dressed woman wearing a gray business suit approached them. "Capt. Beckett?" She asked as Kate nodded. "I'm Anne Sanders. I'll be your liaison for the hearing."

"What does that mean?" Kate asked.

"I'll basically be guiding you through the process. There are two hearings ahead of yours, but you should be seen at around 2:30 or three this afternoon. Inmate Davidson will be allowed to give his statement first. The board will probably ask him questions regarding his crimes and then you, Ms. Castle and Mr. Beckett will be allowed to give statements. Your statements can be as long or as short as you'd like to make them. There is no time limit. Please tell the board exactly how you feel. After you've all had your chance to speak, you'll leave and the board will deliberate their decision. That could take days or weeks, but you'll be notified by phone when they've made their ruling. Since we have time, would anyone care for coffee?"

Anne led them into a small room and went to get coffee for everybody. Castle looked over at Kate, who was staring into space while twisting her wedding ring. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah, I'm just nervous."

"So am I. But I'm going to be there with you and you're going to be fine."

Alexis and Brian were watching Kate, who was suddenly turning white as a sheet. "Kate?"

"Where's the restroom?" Kate bolted to her feet. "Please? Where's the restroom? I'm going to be sick!"

"Down the hall to the left. Come on, I'll take you," Anne motioned Kate to follow her.

"Dad, is Kate okay?" Alexis asked after Kate had left the room with Anne.

"Yeah, pumpkin. I'm sure that it's just nerves. Let me go and see if she's okay."

"Brian?" Alexis' voice was small as she cast a glance at her husband.

"Yeah, babe?"

"What if I can't do this? What if I get in there and freak out?"

"Alexis, you're not going to 'freak out.' We talked about this, remember? Baby, I was on the phone with you the night that he grabbed you. I thought that he was going to kill you. I didn't even know who Josh Davidson was until that night at the hospital when the marshals showed up and Kate started screaming. Rick . . . Rick told me about what he'd done to her. Baby . . . Alexis, he can't get out. You, Kate, and Jim have the power to keep that from happening." He looked at Jim for confirmation.

"Alexis," Jim Beckett added, "you and Katie are strong women. Your strength comes from two very different sources, but you are so strong. You go in there and you tell that parole board the very reasons why that man can't get out. You go in there and tell them about this baby that the two of you have been fighting for. I know Katie is going to tell them what happened to her and I'm sure as hell going to tell them about the bullets that he put into me. Hell, I'll even show them to that board, if that's what it takes."

"Thank you," she smiled. "I really needed to hear that."

Castle stepped out of the conference room and saw Anne standing down the hallway. "Is Kate okay?"

"I think it's just nerves, Mr. Castle. I've seen it many times before."

"She's had a rough few months. Can I go and check on her?"

"Go ahead."

Castle slowly opened the restroom door and stepped inside. "Kate?"

"I'm okay, Castle," she called out from a closed stall. "I just got sick at my stomach all of a sudden." She stepped out and walked over to the sink, cupping cold water into her hands and spitting it out. She smiled at Castle when he handed her some paper towels. "Thank you."

"You're welcome." He opened his arms, smiling when she stepped into his embrace. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah, but this always makes me just a lot better. Come on, let's go back to the others."

They sat in the small conference room talking about various topics to pass the time. Anne entered the room at 2:45. "The parole board is ready for you. There's something that I need to tell you before you go into the room. Inmate Davidson isn't at the hearing. They'll be talking to him through closed circuit TV."

"Do you know why he's not going to be at the hearing in person?" Kate wanted to know.

"They never give me details, Mrs. Castle. Come on, I'll take you to the room now."

"I thought that you'd be relieved that he's not going to be there," Castle took Kate's hand.

"I am. I'm just curious."

"Can he still see us?" Alexis asked.

"Possibly," Anne turned to her. "It depends on how they have the video equipment set up. However, he won't be able to speak directly to any of you."

Anne led all of them into the room where the parole board was meeting. The board, which consisted of two men and one woman were seated at a long table at the front of the room. There were a few rows of folding chairs in front of the long table. There was also a podium in front of the parole board. Kate also noticed the video equipment and a large screen TV to the left of the room.

One of the men spoke up. "We are here today to determine whether or not Inmate Joshua Davidson will be granted parole. Is everyone present who wishes to make statements as to why the board should deny Inmate Davidson's request?"

Alexis, Kate and Jim all mumbled their assent as the gentleman at the table made notations on a clipboard. "I understand that you have brought family members with you for moral support. I must ask these family members to please remain quiet during the proceedings. If there are any outbursts, you will be asked to leave. We are first going to hear from Inmate Davidson, after which we will be asking him a series of questions as to his plans if he is paroled. After that, we will give Ms. Castle, Mrs. Castle, and Mr. Beckett all a chance to speak."

After he finished speaking, they switched on a video monitor. Kate's heart began pounding when Josh's face appeared on the screen. She had expected him to be wearing prison garb, but instead he was dressed in a blue-gray chambray shirt and work pants. He looked the same, except his hair was much shorter and was heavily streaked with gray. She clasped her hand tightly in Castle's, feeling him reassuringly squeeze her hand in his, his thumb rubbing her knuckles.

This time, the lone woman on the board spoke up. "Mr. Davidson, are you ready to read your statement?"

"Yes."

"Go ahead, please."

The rattling of paper could be heard before Josh cleared his throat and began to read. "I was messed up when I escaped from prison and pursued my former girlfriend, Kate Beckett, and her family. I didn't realize how messed up until I was shot and recaptured after terrorizing Alexis Castle and Kate's infant daughter in her home. I was diagnosed with severe bi-polar depression. I began medication and extensive psycho-therapy to turn things around. I have been medicated since my re-arrest and my subsequent prison record has been exemplary. I haven't received any disciplinary actions since I was taken back into custody. I want to assure Kate, Alexis and Kate's father that I'm not the same person that I was when I was returned to prison. If I am allowed to return to society, I will never make any attempt to contact any of you in any way. I am truly sorry for the pain that I have caused all of you."

Kate was livid. He kept talking about when he had escaped from prison, but what about what he had done to her to be sent to prison in the first place? He hadn't said one word about that.

"Inmate Davidson, we have a few questions for you before we listen to the victims of your crimes," one of the men spoke up. "You have had your medical license taken from you after your incarceration. How do you plan on supporting yourself if you're released from prison?"

"I have obtained my master's degree in education and I hope to get a job teaching at one of the colleges or one of the junior colleges."

Castle gasped when he felt Kate's nails dig into his palm. He was grateful that Davidson hadn't been at the hearing in person. Kate probably would've leapt from her chair and strangled him. He managed to redirect her attention to the parole board. "Where will you live?"

"I still have money left from my inheritance. I'll use it to buy myself a new apartment."

"How do we know that once you are released from prison, that you will continue taking anti-depressants and seeing a psychiatrist? After all, there's nobody on the outside to force you to stay on your treatment regimen."

"I will continue my therapy because I hated the way that I felt when I wasn't on medication. I know that I never want to feel that way ever again."

"Very well, Inmate Davidson. We're now going to listen to the statements of your victims. You are not allowed to interject in any way while they are speaking. I'm warning you right now that if you interrupt, you will be removed. Do you understand?"

"Yes, sir."

"Ms. Castle, I understand that you wish to speak first. You can either step up here or you can remain seated, if you'd like."

Brian gave her an encouraging smile and a slight nod before Alexis took a deep breath and walked up to the rostrum. She placed her notes in front of her and smoothed them out before she took another deep breath before she started speaking. "You grabbed me when I was getting ready to walk into my home. If I hadn't been on the phone with my boyfriend at the time, I'm sure that you were going to kill me. He heard me scream and called for help. At the time I didn't know who had grabbed me. I don't know if you drugged me, but I woke up in the floorboard of your car with a blindfold and my hands and feet tied. When you dragged me into that alley, you dropped me and that was when I saw your face. You told me to give Kate a message that you were coming after her to get your daughter back. I just discovered that I'm expecting our first child. A child that I hope to see grow up. I don't feel that will happen if you walk out of this prison. I don't for one second believe that you're a changed man. No one in my family is safe from you if you get out. All this parole board has to do is read the transcripts from your interviews with the police after you were arrested when you almost killed me and my baby sister. You swore vengeance on basically everybody in my family. If this board votes to grant you parole, the blood that undoubtedly will flow afterward will be on their hands. Members of the parole board, as you listen to me, Kate, and Kate's father today, I hope that you really hear what we have to say. My physical injuries healed quickly, but I still deal with the mental injuries of what this man," she pointed at the video monitor, "did to me."

Alexis turned and walked back to her chair, leaning into Brian's shoulder when he placed his arm around her. "You did great," he whispered in her ear. "How do you feel?"

"Good," she whispered back.

"Mr. Beckett, are you ready to give your statement?"

Jim stood up and straightened the knot in his tie before stepping up. "Unlike my daughter and Alexis, at the time I didn't know who my attacker was. He made sure that I never saw his face. However, there was no doubt in my mind that it was Mr. Davidson. We knew that he had escaped from prison and had already attacked Alexis. He had already made several phone calls to my daughter, taunting her and threatening her. I would like to address my comments to Mr. Davidson, but I want you three to listen carefully to what I have to say. Josh, to this day my daughter rarely refers to you by name. However, I don't have that problem. I had you in my home on several occasions. I know that at one time you cared deeply for my daughter and I know that she also had feelings for you. You saved her life after she was shot in the heart and for that I will forever be grateful. But when you kidnapped her and later attacked first Alexis and then me, you ceased to be that same man. You shot me three times and almost took me from my daughter and grandchildren. You don't deserve to walk around free. I'm glad that you learned about your depression and that you're getting treatment for it. However, I believe you to be so arrogant that I know the second that you step out of those prison gates, you will stop medicating yourself. No one in society is safe from you. At one time you were a brilliant heart surgeon with an extremely promising future ahead of you. I hope that you have to sit behind bars the rest of your life remembering how you threw your life away because of jealousy. If you had truly been a man, then you would've wished Kate well and moved on with your life. Instead you kissed your career and your life goodbye. I have nothing further."

With that, Jim turned and sat down on Kate's opposite side. Kate gave him a tremulous smile before taking a deep breath and getting ready to go to the rostrum. She knew that as the last words the board would hear, she had to make her statement really count. She walked up and stood so that she wouldn't have to look at Josh, much as she had in court when she'd testified against him. "I don't remember most of what you did to me during those five days when you held me chained up in a basement. When we dated those 11 months, I told you things that I'd never told anyone before. Things about my vulnerabilities. During my captivity, you took everything that I'd ever told you and turned it against me. You took my love for my husband and tried to turn that against me. You told me over and over again that Rick didn't love me. You told me over and over again that he didn't care enough to keep looking for me. You have no idea how wrong you were. Rick not only found me, but he stood beside me during months of trying to return to normal. You sexually assaulted me repeatedly after heavily drugging me with Ketamine. It took everything that I had to sit in that courtroom that afternoon and tell a jury what you had done to me. But I wasn't about to let you win. When Alexis got attacked and I learned that it was you who had done it, I was determined to make sure you were caught before someone died. Then you . . . then you shot my father. You knew that I'd already been through the loss of one parent through violence and yet you tried to take away my father. But the final blow was when you would call my house and threaten the life of my daughter. She was a baby and yet you would call and say the vilest things! You would go into great detail about what you were going to do to her if Rick or I were stupid enough to let her out of our sight. I didn't understand how you could even talk about harming a child. At one time, you were a doctor. You took an oath to 'First do no harm.' Members of the parole board, all that I ask of you is to examine my medical records after I was found. The levels of Ketamine in my blood was so high that the doctor said he was surprised that I didn't die. It took more than four days for it to work its way out of my system. To this day, more than 10 years later, I still have huge blocks of memory loss. The only thing that I clearly remember is the day that I managed to escape from him. Like my daughter and my father stated, no one is safe from this man if he were to be released. I beg you to please examine all of the evidence here; medical records and police transcripts don't lie. They both state very clearly what this man is capable of. I again beg you to keep him where he belongs and that is in an eight by twelve-foot cell. Thank you for the opportunity to speak to you today."

Kate walked on shaky legs back to her chair and sat down, feeling Castle take her hand and squeeze it. She gave him a small smile before they turned their attention back to the parole board. "We'd like to thank all of you for speaking to us today. We will deliberate and the moment that you have our decision, you'll be notified by telephone. This hearing is adjourned," the female member of the board said with finality.

When they stepped out into the corridor, Castle hugged first Alexis and then Kate tightly before shaking Jim's hand. The older man also embraced Kate and then Alexis before looking at Rick. "I don't know about any of you, but I'm ready to get the hell out of here."

"I'll second that," Castle agreed, slipping his arm around Kate as they made their way out of the prison.

Kate fell asleep in the van before they got back to the city. She woke up when Castle stopped in front of Alexis and Brian's townhouse to let them out. "What time is it?" She mumbled sleepily when she felt the back door of the van slam closed.

"Almost midnight. I'm about to drop your dad off and then we'll head home. I called mother earlier and told her that we'd get the kids in the morning."

"No, Castle," she shook her head. "I want to go and get our babies."

"Katie, it's late," her father spoke up from the back seat. "I'm sure that they're asleep. You can get them in the morning."

"Castle—"

"Kate, we'll compromise. We'll sleep at the loft tonight and bring them home tomorrow. Okay?"

"Okay," she nodded.

Castle used his key to get into the loft after they'd dropped Jim off at his house. The loft was dark and quiet. "I'm going to go upstairs and let mother know that we're staying the night," he kissed her before softly padding upstairs.

"Can you look in on the kids?"

"Will do."

Even though the loft now belonged to Martha, she had kept her old bedroom upstairs, leaving Castle's bedroom for when they visited. The only thing she had changed was Castle's old office. It was now her office. Kate walked through it into their former bedroom and into the bathroom. Stripping out of her clothes, she stepped into the shower and turned it on. Bracing her hands against the wall, she let the hot water pound down on her, washing away the events of the day. Now all that was on her mind was getting out and letting her husband know how very much she loved him.

Castle had just stripped down to his boxers when Kate came out of the bathroom, wearing nothing but a towel. He let out a grunt when she stalked up to him like a predatory cat, put her hand on his chest and pushed him back onto the bed, crawling up his body as he pushed himself back to the headboard. "I should really take a shower, Kate," he started to protest as her lips attacked his. "I've been driving for hours—"

"Stop talking, Castle," she reached into his boxers, wrapping her hand around him. "I love you so fucking much. I couldn't have got through today without you. If it hadn't been for you, I wouldn't have got through the last 16 years. I love you."

He wrapped his arms around her, bringing her closer to his chest. He could feel her breasts rubbing against him through the towel, so he reached up with one hand and tugged it off of her body, leaving her bare to his hands. He reached down and grabbed her ass, squeezing it in his hands while her hand continued stroking his growing erection.

Suddenly she moved back far enough to yank his boxers off of him before positioning herself over him and easing down, sighing at the feel of him stretching her, filling her. "Oh shit, Castle," she pulled him into a sitting position and wrapped her legs around him, getting even closer to him as he began to slowly thrust up into her, their ragged breathing mixing together. She cupped his face in her hands before pressing her lips to his, her tongue dancing with his while they continued to slowly move together in perfect harmony.

She reached behind her and took one of his hands, bringing it around to the front of her body. "Remember our first night, Castle?" She whimpered as he hit all of the places inside of her that set her aflame. "Remember how you took your hands and memorized every inch of my body?"

"Yeah, I remember," his words stuttered out as he continued thrusting up into her.

"Map out my body, Rick," she placed his hand on her breast, smiling broadly when he suddenly flipped her onto her back.

Starting with her face, Castle slowly traced his fingers down her body, following close behind with his lips and tongue. She wrapped her legs around his back, changing the angle of his movements and moaning out in pleasure. She let out a loud cry when his hands, lips, and tongue moved to her breasts, swirling her nipple with his tongue before biting down and then soothing the bite with his tongue before moving to her other breast and repeating the process. "More, Castle," she begged, kissing his shoulder, using her arms to bring him even closer to her. "I'm so close. I want to come with you."

Castle continued mapping her body with his hands, re-memorizing her scars just as he had that first night. Now there were new scars. The scar that she'd got delivering Jack. And other scars that had come from other things. Scars that were a roadmap of their lives together. Kate's body had quickly become as familiar to him as his own was. He had quickly learned everything that she liked and didn't like, just as she'd learned the same things about him.

He now reached his hand down to the inside of her thigh, feeling how her muscles tensed while she clung to his back. He pressed his thumb to her swollen clit, earning a keening cry from his wife. "Let go, Kate. I know you're almost there. I'm right behind you. It's okay. I love you. Come with me, Kate."

He once again pressed down on her, instantly feeling her bite into his shoulder and her muscles tighten around him as she came hard. She was still reeling from the aftershocks when he let out a cry of his own and emptied himself inside of her, which sent her into orbit once again.

Castle collapsed onto her shoulder, feeling her nails lightly scratch up and down his sweaty back, her lips kissing his shoulder before she reached up to capture his lips with hers. "Hi," he pushed up and gave her a dopey smile.

"Hi," she answered back.

"I still really need that shower," he finally managed to say as she started laughing. "What's so funny?"

"I think I need another one, too. Come on and we'll go take a shower together."

"Are you okay?"

"Yeah, today just made me realize how much I need you. How much I love you."

"I need you and love you, too. Come on, let's go take a shower and maybe have round two."

 **A/N #4: I haven't done this in a while, but I want to take this opportunity to thank Kelly, who has taken the time out of her busy schedule to read each and every chapter of this story. She's the one who tells me when I do things like write the word 'surprise' three times in one sentence (yes, I really did that). I finally got to meet her and we had a blast. I was glad that we didn't know about Stana the day that we met for lunch.**

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	28. Good News Abounds

**DISCLAIMERS: Yeah, I wish 'Castle' belonged to me. If it did, Season 8 would be a whole lot better than it has been.**

 **SUMMARY: There's plenty of good news in this chapter.**

 **A/N #1: This is the last actual chapter, although there will be an epilogue after this. I want to thank everybody who has come along for the journey. For those of you who haven't been crazy about the story, I apologize and hope that you'll still follow me. I promise that my next story is going to be great.**

 **A HOLE IN THE HEART**

 **CHAPTER 28: Good News Abounds**

Kate was sitting on the sofa on a cool May morning with six-month-old Hope in her lap. Castle had an early meeting at Black Pawn and the older two kids were in school. At the moment, Hope was playing with one of her favorite toys, which happened to be her mother. An extremely active baby, Hope loved nothing better than to climb all over either of her parents.

"You're going to be a bigger monkey than your sister was," Kate laughed after pulling Hope back onto her lap after the adventurous infant had decided to go exploring. "What're we going to do with you?"

Hope reached out and grabbed at Kate's nose, while her mother made noises and funny faces at her, which made the baby chortle with glee, showing off a four-toothed grin. Since returning home from testifying in front of the parole board, Kate could feel herself slowly feeling normal once again. She planned to return to work in the middle of the summer after they returned from their family vacation to Disneyland. Dr. Burke had assured both she and Castle that Kate was doing just fine.

Kate made more faces at Hope, who was now tugging on Kate's lower lip with chubby baby fingers. She took one of her hands and pretended to nibble on her fingers which elicited more laughter from Hope. Just then, they were interrupted by the ringing of her cell phone. She picked it up and looked at the number, not recognizing the number. "Hello?"

"Kate? This is Anne Sanders. I was with you and your family when you testified at Joshua—"

"The parole hearing!" The name finally rang a bell. Kate put the phone on her other ear, laughing when Hope tried to grab it. "Ms. Sanders, can you hold on for just a second?" Kate got up from the sofa with Hope in her arms and deposited the baby in her play chair which was nearby. When the baby started to fuss, Kate added more toys to the tray, which calmed her down somewhat. "I'm sorry. I was trying to talk to you and ward off my six-month-old who has more arms than an octopus."

"I remember those days well," Anne laughed. "Kate, I was just calling to let you know that the word came down this morning about Mr. Davidson. He's been denied parole."

"Did you just say he was denied?" Kate wanted to make sure that she heard right.

"It was a unanimous decision. You and your family will be receiving letters detailing all of the reasons why parole was denied."

"Have you spoken to my father and Alexis, yet?"

"I wanted to call you first. How do you feel?"

"Great! Anne, will he be coming up for parole again?"

"No, Kate. Not until the end of his sentence."

Kate knew that meant at least 15 years. Maybe by that time he'd be too old to do anything if he got out. "Thank you, Anne, for letting me know. I need to go so that I can call my husband."

"You're welcome, Kate."

Kate ended the call and looked over at Hope who was watching her with big green eyes. "Hope, let's get dressed and go into town to meet with daddy. How does that sound?" At the mention of the word 'daddy,' Hope began bouncing furiously in her chair.

Kate quickly texted Rick. **'Rick, will pick Jack up at school and then we'll meet you at Black Pawn. Let's go to lunch. I have something to tell you.'**

***CCC***

Sitting in the seemingly never-ending meeting with his publisher, Castle felt his cell phone vibrate against his hip. He reached down and dug the phone out of his pocket, smiling when he saw that he had a message from Kate. "Are we boring you, Richard?" Gina asked when she saw him on his phone.

"Are we almost done here? Because my wife is meeting me up here."

"How domestic of her," Gina tone was bitter.

"I can't believe that you're still jealous of Kate after all of these years."

"I'm not jealous, Richard. I'm glad that you met a woman who was willing to stay home and be a wet nurse to a bunch of snotty-nosed Castle babies. I told you when we married that I wasn't interested in being a mommy."

"Well, even if you hadn't told me, I would've guessed it by the lack of sex that we were having immediately after the wedding ceremony," he answered back as Gina gave him a dirty look.

Kate entered the reception area of Black Pawn Publishing and smiled at Gina's longtime receptionist, Michelle, who was sitting behind the desk. "Is Castle still in with Gina?"

"I'm afraid so," Michelle answered apologetically. "I'm so glad that you brought the baby. Rick's shown me pictures of her. Jack, do you like your sister?"

"No," he shook his head before shyly hiding his head in Kate's leg. "I love my sister."

"Oh, that is so sweet. Can I hold her?"

Kate removed Hope from the carrier and handed her over to Michelle. "She just woke up, so she might get a little cranky."

"Hello, Hope," Michelle crooned to Hope, who just stared at her with big eyes before giving her a big smile. "I really miss the days when Rick used to bring Ariel and Jack here with him."

"I know that you miss it, but I'm sure that someone else doesn't," Kate nodded toward Gina's closed door.

The door finally opened and Castle stepped out, smiling when he saw Kate. "Daddy!" Jack ran over to him, laughing when Castle scooped him up.

"Hey, buddy," Castle hugged his son tightly before walking over and kissing Kate. "I got your message. Is everything okay?"

"Everything's great. Really great," she smiled.

"Richard, I want those new chapters in two weeks," Gina's voice sounded from the opened doorway. "Hello, Kate."

"Gina," Kate greeted the other woman.

"Michelle, have you finished sending those emails that I told you about this morning?"

"Not yet," Michelle smiled at Hope while gently bouncing the laughing baby, who was eating up the attention of a new person.

"Well, maybe you'd like to hand _that_ baby back to Kate and get back to work."

"Thank you again for bringing her, Kate," Michelle handed Hope back to her mother.

"You're welcome."

"So, where are we going for lunch?" Castle asked after they'd got in the elevator and the doors closed behind them.

"Jack and I stopped at Zabar's. I was thinking that we could go to the park and have a picnic."

"Jack begged to feed the ducks, didn't he?" Castle smiled down at his small son, who beamed up at him.

"That was part of the deal."

"You know, Ariel is going to be upset when she learns that we went to the park without her," Castle pointed out.

"Well, when she gets out of school, we'll go back. It's a nice day."

"Okay, what's going on?"

"I'll tell you after our picnic lunch."

When they arrived at the park, Castle removed the stroller and picnic basket from the trunk of the car, along with a couple of blankets. Once Hope was clipped into the stroller, they began walking toward a nice area near a small pond. "Jack, wait!" Kate cautioned when Jack made a beeline for the ducks.

When they reached their destination, Castle spread the two blankets out while Kate opened the basket of goodies that she and Jack had bought at the deli. "So, what do we have?" Castle asked, watching Kate remove the food and drinks.

"Jack and I bought chicken salad sandwiches, potato chips and apple juice. And we bought some oatmeal cookies for dessert."

Kate and Castle laughingly had to tell Jack to slow down more than once as he gobbled his food so that he could go and feed the ducks. Finally, he finished and took a bag of bread that Kate had fixed for him. "Stay away from the water's edge," she warned him, taking Castle's hand as they watched him scamper off. "Why don't you get Hope out of her stroller and let her stretch out on the blanket?" She nodded toward the stroller.

"Hey, baby girl," Castle crooned, unbuckling Hope from her seat and bringing her down to the blanket with him and Kate. Happy to see her daddy, Hope began her routine of crawling all over him and Kate, who was lying on her back beside him on the blanket. "Do you think she's going to be walking soon?"

"Not for a few months, but yeah, I think she's going to be our early walker. Castle, Anne Sanders called me this morning. The lady from the parole board," she added when he gave her a puzzled look. "They denied him parole, Castle," she sat up, quickly catching Hope who'd been crawling on her. "She said he'll have to serve the remainder of his sentence."

"So we don't have to worry about him for a long time?"

"Not for at least 15 years. We're going to be safe, Castle. Our kids are going to be safe. He's not getting out anytime soon," her eyes were bright and her smile was the biggest he'd seen in months.

"That is the best news I've heard in so long," he leaned forward and kissing her, the kiss deepening until he felt tiny hands patting his face, which forced them to break apart, laughing. "Come on, baby girl, let's go help Jack feed the ducks. Come on, mommy. You come along, too."

When they picked Ariel up at school, instead of going back to the park, they decided to make 'smores in the backyard on the fire pit. Kate had put the baby to bed after feeding her and joined the rest of her family. Royal was curled up at Castle's feet, but he moved to lay beside Kate when she came outside. She took the skewer that her husband offered her and placed a marshmallow on it, roasting it slowly over the fire pit. She then assembled her graham cracker and chocolate before placing the blackened marshmallow and smashing the concoction together. She took a bite and then laughed at the messy faces of her son and older daughter. "Daddy, can we have 'smores every day?" Ariel asked.

"Baby, you'd have a horrible tummy ache, plus I don't think the dentist would be very happy."

"I'd brush my teeth."

"Speaking of which, you need to finish your 'smores and go get ready for bed."

"Awww, mom," both kids chorused.

"You have school tomorrow. This was a very special treat."

"You heard your mom," Castle chimed in.

"I'm going to put them to bed. Go get my favorite bottle of wine," she whispered in his ear before she followed the kids into the house.

Castle smiled before going into the house and pulling Kate's favorite bottle of red wine from the wine cooler. Dr. Burke had taken her off of the lithium a week before, which once again allowed her to enjoy a glass of wine on occasion. This particular wine always led to much more exciting activities. Castle smiled while pouring each of them a glass. He then returned to the backyard, tossing a treat to Royal, who caught it in mid-air. "Good catch," Castle praised the dog.

Minutes later, Kate came back outside and climbed on the glider next to Castle, kissing him before taking her glass of wine. She rested her head on his shoulder as he gently swung the glider back and forth. It was a lovely night with enough of a breeze to make it slightly chilly. "How are you feeling?"

"Really good. I mean, I know that he's eventually going to get out anyway, but the fact that we don't have to worry about it for a very long time is great. I haven't felt this good in months, Rick. It feels almost as good as it did when we took down Bracken. I just feel like a huge weight has been lifted."

"After the fire has died down, let's go inside and celebrate."

"Okay," her smile was huge as they shared a long, tender kiss.

***CCC***

"Mommy, can I have a pool party for my birthday?" Ari asked over breakfast a few mornings later.

"Sweetie, if you want a pool party, that means we have to have your birthday at the house in the Hamptons and right now, there's not enough time to send invitations out."

"Why can't we have a pool party here? Can't daddy just buy a big swimming pool?"

"Sissy, you don't know anything. Daddy can't dig a hole to put a new swimming pool in," Jack informed his sister.

"Jack's right, but if we put a pool in our backyard, we have to put a fence around it like we have in the Hamptons so that Hope doesn't accidentally fall in."

"Can't daddy just buy a big round pool like Evangeline has at her house?"

"Ari, I will talk to daddy about all of this. But right now, you two need to finish your breakfast so that daddy and I can drive you to school. Hope has an appointment with Dr. Sayid this morning."

"Her last 'pointment?" Jack's eyes were huge.

"I hope so, buddy," Kate ruffled his hair.

"Can we celebrate if it is?" Ari's eyes were huge in her face. "Can we have pizza and ice cream?"

"If it's her last appointment, we'll celebrate this weekend with everybody. How does that sound?"

"Auntie Lanie and everybody? Colleen, Liam, and Siobhan everybody?" Both kids were now clearly excited at the idea of everybody visiting. "Grams, Alexis, and Pop-Pop everybody?"

"Yes, those everybody's. Now please finish eating. I'm going to go and dress Hope. When I come back, I expect both of you to be done with breakfast and I want to see your dishes in the sink."

Kate went upstairs to get Hope, who was just waking up and wanting to be fed. "Good morning, princess," she crooned, lifting the baby from her crib and taking her over to her changing table. "Today's a big day for you. Let's get you changed and fed, so that we can take your sister and brother to school."

Castle was just coming out of the master bedroom just as the two older kids came thundering out of the kitchen and up the stairs. "Whoa! Where's the fire?" He called out.

"Mommy said that she wanted us done with breakfast and ready to go to school before she comes downstairs with Hope. We're in a hurry, daddy," Ariel explained.

"Then, by all means, please carry on," he waved his hands up the stairs, chuckling as the two kids hurried up the stairs.

He went into the kitchen and removed a bottle from the microwave so that it would be ready when Kate came downstairs with the baby. While waiting for the bottle, he rinsed the kids breakfast bowls and put them in the dishwasher before walking over and pouring himself a cup of coffee. The microwave beeped just as Kate walked in, holding Hope on her hip. The baby bounced gleefully when she spotted her father. "Thank you, Castle," she took the bottle gratefully before popping it into Hope's mouth. "I told Ari and Jack that we'll have everybody over this weekend if we get good news today."

"We can do that. Kate, I have a really good feeling about today. Hope's going to be great."

***CCC***

An hour later they were sitting in an examination room awaiting the arrival of Dr. Sayid. Hope was perched on Kate's lap, sucking on her fist. They looked up when there was a light rap on the door and the doctor entered, followed by one of his nurses. "Good morning, Mister and Mrs. Castle. And good morning, Hope. How has she been doing? Is she still taking the beta blockers?"

"She has a dose in the morning and at night when she has her last bottle. She's been doing really well," Kate answered. "She's very active."

"Well, let's get her undressed and see what we see. The hole has been progressively smaller on each visit since the angiogram, so I'm hopeful that the hole will be completely gone either this visit or in the next few months."

"If the hole is closed, will we ever need to bring her back to see you?" Castle asked.

"No, there will be no need." He smiled at Kate, who placed the partially naked baby on the examining table. After placing a small dab of gel on her chest, he turned on the transducer, moving it around while they all looked at the monitor.

Dr. Sayid moved the transducer around Hope's chest, typing in a few keys now and then. Kate kept switching her gaze between the monitor and Dr. Sayid's face. She decided that the cardiologist would make a great poker player. His expression revealed nothing. "Doctor?"

"You can get her dressed now," he wiped the gel from Hope's chest before rising to his feet. "The hole is completely closed up."

"Are you sure?" Castle asked as Kate's smile grew huge.

"Yes, Mr. Castle. They taught me how to read a cardiac ultrasound in med school. Take Hope home and love her. She's going to grow up and be a normal little girl. I'll get your paperwork."

The second the door closed behind the doctor and his nurse, Kate squealed and launched herself into Castle's arms, laughing when Hope protested at being squashed between them. "Oh, Hope," Castle laughed, holding Kate with one arm and taking Hope with the other one. "Oh, my baby girl." He smothered her small face with kisses before kissing Kate. "She's going to be all right, Kate. She's going to be perfect now."

"She's always been perfect, Rick. Now we can relax because she's going to grow up to be as normal as Ari and Jack."

***CCC***

That Saturday, everybody was in the backyard as the guys grilled steaks for the adults, and hot dogs for the kids. The talk of the day wasn't only the wonderful news of Josh being denied parole and Hope's clean bill of health, but the fact that Alexis was now sporting the cutest of baby bumps. "I woke up one morning and I had popped out," she said as Kate, Lanie, and Jenny started laughing.

"That was how it was with me, too," Kate remembered. "How have you been feeling?"

"Wonderful. I'm tired a lot of the time, but most of the time, I feel great. Speaking of which, I have something to show you," she disappeared into the house, returning moments later with an envelope.

Seeing the envelope, Kate had a feeling she knew what was inside. She glanced over at Rick, who was laughing out at the grill with the boys and her dad. She got up and strolled over to them, taking his hand as he smiled down at her. "Hey," his lips brushed against hers.

"Uh, I think Alexis has something to show us," she tugged on him, to get him to follow her over to where Alexis was sitting beside her grandmother on the glider. Brian soon joined her on her opposite side.

"Dad, I hope to do half a good a job on my child as you did on me," Alexis took a deep breath, but she smiled at Brian, who'd taken her hand, encouraging her to continue.

"Hopefully, your kid won't have to raise you," Espo chimed in.

"True that," Castle agreed.

"All of you have been my family since I was 15 years old," she looked at all of the people that had cared about her for so long. "So, I thought that it was only fitting that you share in the addition to the family. Here, dad. You and Kate get to see it first."

She held the envelope out to Rick, who sat beside Kate and opened it with shaking fingers. As Kate had guessed, it was a sonogram picture. An updated sonogram picture, with the date being only a few days before. Castle stared at the picture and then looked over at his oldest daughter, his eyes filling with tears. "Alexis—"

"Say hello to your grandson," Alexis smiled as Castle ran over and enfolded her in his arms, hugging her tightly.

 **A/N #2: So, there you have it. I hope to get the epilogue posted by the end of the week. I want to get it done before the finale, because I doubt I'm going to want to write once I see 8x22.**

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	29. Epilogue

**DISCLAIMERS: I wish.**

 **SUMMARY: A new addition to the family completes a year that has had its ups and downs.**

 **A/N #1: This is the epilogue that will complete the story. I started this story in November and it's now May. It's never taken me this long to complete a story. Like the story, I've suffered my ups and downs while writing it. While this story is now done, I won't be down for long. My next 'Castle' adventure will be up shortly and it's going to be much fluffier than this one was. My beta Kelly loves the first chapter and is demanding more.**

 **A/N #2: There will be a significant time jump for this epilogue.**

 **A HOLE IN THE HEART**

 **EPILOGUE: A New Branch to the Family Tree**

 _November_

Castle and Kate were pacing outside of the room at New York Presbyterian, waiting for Brian to emerge from the room where Alexis was currently giving birth to their first child. Sitting nearby, Martha smiled at how nervous her son was. And how excited. She remembered the excitement of seeing Alexis for the very first time as a new grandmother. Richard was now experiencing that excitement, as was Kate.

It had been a long, hot summer for Alexis. It seemed that the bigger she got, the crankier she got. Kate had commiserated with her as much as possible, remembering those days of late pregnancy all too well. She had been in that same position just over a year ago.

Brian had called them late the afternoon before to let them know that Alexis' contractions had started and they were on their way to the hospital. Alexis had allowed all of them to visit during her labor, but had only wanted Brian in with her for the actual delivery. She had been steadily pushing for over two hours now and there was still no baby.

"How are you doing, grandpa?" Kate took Castle's hand.

"I'm excited and scared and angry, all at the same time."

"Angry? At who? Alexis? Rick, it was her right to just have Brian in there with her."

"No, I understand that," he turned to her. "I'm pissed at her mother, Kate. How can Meredith not _want_ to be here to welcome her first grandchild into the world?"

"Rick, we've had this discussion so many times over the years. We're talking about Meredith. She doesn't have a motherly bone in her body. Please don't be angry with her. It's just who she is. This day is about Alexis, Brian and _our_ grandson," she smiled as he bent down and kiss her.

Suddenly, the door opened and Brian burst out of it, a huge smile almost splitting his face in two. "He's here and he's perfect!" He shouted as he found himself immediately embraced by his parents and in-laws.

"How's Alexis?" Castle asked.

"Alexis is just great. She's tired, but she's just great. They're getting them cleaned up and then I'll let you in."

"So give us details, darling," Martha said. "Weight, height, does he have red hair?"

"Eight pounds, three ounces, 22 inches long. His head is kind of wet right now, so what hair he has is pretty dark."

"What's his name, Brian?" Kate asked.

"I'll let Alexis tell you that. Let me get back in there."

After he re-entered the room, all of the adults hugged, each of them practically jumping up and down with nervous, excited energy. Moments later, the nurse stepped out and motioned for them to come in, putting a finger to her lips to stay quiet.

Alexis was sitting up against the raised back of the bed, her hair tied back in a messy ponytail, but her blue eyes radiant. In her arms, rested a bundle wrapped in a blue and white striped blanket. "Hi, daddy," she smiled. "Or, I should say 'grandpa.' He's finally here. He also has a very long name, but this was something that Brian and I agreed on months ago. I'd like to introduce everybody to Brian Richard Castle Abernathy."

"You gave him my name?" Castle was in tears.

"You were my mom and dad rolled up in one. Of course I was going to name at least one of my kids for you. I wouldn't be where I am now without you. Without you, Grams, and Kate. Would you like to hold your grandson?" She offered the bundle up to him.

Castle took the baby and lowered his arms so that everybody could admire the new addition to the Castle and Abernathy families. "Sorry, mother. No red hair. He's going to have dark hair like his father and grandpa," Castle smiled down at the baby. "Welcome to the world, Brian Richard."

Kate walked over and hugged Alexis, pressing a kiss to her forehead. "Welcome to the club, Alexis. Now you get to spend the next 18 years worrying and not sleeping."

"It's all right. Being a mom is totally worth it, isn't it?"

"Totally worth it," Kate echoed the sentiment, watching her husband, mother-in-law and Brian's parents with the new baby. "I couldn't agree with you more."

 **A/N #3: And there you have it.**

 **A/N #4: As we all know, 'Castle' has come to the end of a terrific eight-year run. I'm sorry that the fans have been at war over this for the last several days now. While I'm sad that the journey will come to a conclusion on May 16, my journey as a writer will continue. I will keep writing for this fandom as long as I have fans who want to read what I write. I have a story in the works right now that I hope to have published very soon.**

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